Disclaimer: Are you even still reading these? Fine…nothin'.

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6

Purely exhausted, he hung his head as the doctor and his lawyer walked out. No justice was served, but, to him, the case was solved. It was over, and he'd just poured his heart out to a murderer. A murderer. How could he share his deepest feelings with a murderer and not with the woman he truly cared about? He realized that it hadn't been about who he was talking to, but about admitting his feelings to himself. All of the feeling's he'd been hiding all these years, even from himself, weren't hidden anymore. Becoming more tired with every second, his head slowly sank to his folded arms on the table.

"So, you wanna get a beer?"

Startled, he jumped at Jim's words, and then cringed as he realized his speech had been made in front of him also. Knowing that the invitation was more like an order, he made it easier on himself, "My place?"

"Sure, Gil. I'll drive."

"I'll meet you outside. I've gotta get something from my office and tell Cath I'm leaving. Fifteen minutes?"

"Okay." Jim watched as his friend stood on very weak legs and walked out of the interrogation room with his head hung. He gathered his papers and walked out just as Sara walked out of the viewing room. 'This was not good,' he thought to himself, 'but maybe she'd only just gone in.' Out loud, "Hey, Sara. How's it going?" When she raised her head to reveal swollen, red eyes he knew she'd heard the whole thing. "You okay?"

She spat out, "Fine."

He raised his hands in submission, "Hey! Don't shoot the messenger."

"Sorry."

He reached a hand out to her arm. He didn't know how much she knew or didn't know and didn't want to overstep, "Did you know?"

With a harsh tone, "Know what?" After a raised-eyebrow look she continued with a softer voice, "That for 50 years he feels like he hasn't lived at all? No, I guess I just assumed…well…he was happy. The young and beautiful part? You know, he's never really stressed the whole age thing, and that kind of surprises me. But the beautiful part, yeah, I knew that. It was a long time ago on a case we were working. You remember that hockey rink case?" After a nod she continued, "We were sitting in the seats looking at the rink and we were talking about him liking baseball. He said that it was a beautiful sport and then I asked him when he'd become interested in beauty. He said it was when he met me. Funny, but to this day, it's the best compliment anyone's ever given me. It was so sincere and obviously not planned out. It was simple, raw emotion. You know, at that point I really thought we'd make a go of this. But now, after hearing him in there…it's just so hard to hear that I wasn't worth the risk." She'd ended with a choke in her voice and more tears running down her cheeks.

"I don't think that's what he meant, Sara. He's scared. Let me talk to him."

The anger returned, "I don't need you to convince him that I'm worth it, Jim. If he doesn't think I am then I'm not. Just leave it alone." With that, she jerked her arm from under his grasp and broke into a run down the hall, wiping her tears from her face.

He knew there was no sense in going after her; she was done talking to him. She was hurt; there was no denying that. But he felt like she'd gotten it all wrong. What he heard was that she was worth it but Gil was just too scared to make the decision and now he regretted it. The only way to find out who was right was to get it from the horse's mouth.

Once inside Gil's apartment, Jim made himself comfortable on the sofa while Gil poured drinks. Jim only spoke after they were both seated and had taken a couple sips of their bourbon, "So, rough case?"

Staring off into space, as if he wasn't even listening, "You have no idea."

He wanted to give him time to explain in his own way, "You usually don't let cases get to you. Why was this one so different?"

"Did you see her, Jim?"

"Who? Debbie Marlin? No."

"She was Sara's twin."

"Doppelganger?"

"Yeah. It was uncanny." After a few moments of contemplation, "I just couldn't let go. I don't know what came over me." He rubbed his eyes before he continued, "The whole case, all I could see was Sara's face. I just couldn't push her image from my head. I knew the only way I'd get it to stop would be to solve the case."

"So?"

"So…what?"

"Is the image gone?"

"No."

"So I guess your plan didn't work then."

"I'm just tired, Jim. I haven't slept in well-over two days."

"That what made you give that speech back there? Being tired, I mean." After not getting a response, he pushed on, "'Cause it sounded pretty sincere to me. I mean, this guy did what you couldn't and you were jealous."

"Don't interrogate me, Jim. I know you're good at it. Just ask what you want to ask."

"Fine. You love her?" A shocked expression came over Gil's face and he knew he wouldn't get an answer. "Okay. Easier question…maybe. What are you so afraid of? Losing your job? You're the best they got, Gil. They're not gonna get rid of you. I know you're not afraid of what other people think. You could give two shits about politics. So what is it?"

After a long, silent moment, "I hurt her, Jim. A lot. She's made every effort to make something out of…us, and I've just pushed her aside."

"So you're afraid she's gonna tell you no, reject you. You're afraid of getting hurt."

"Maybe."

"Maybe, hell, Gil! Christ! Don't you think you owe her enough to take that chance? If you've hurt her as much as you say you have then I think it's the least you could do for her." After another silent stretch, he continued with a softer tone, "I seem to remember us having a conversation a few years back about this girl you met in California while you were doing some bug seminar. You said she was a student. You said she was intelligent, interesting, funny, beautiful and that she liked bug stuff. You talked about her a lot. You told me the two of you were going to keep in touch and I thought someone had finally broken through your wall. But then you stopped talking about her right around the time Holly Gribbs was killed. Funny, but that's the same time that a certain CSI showed up here that no one but you knew anything about. Now, you never told me her name, and I guess I never put the pieces together before now, but I'd be willing to bet a pretty large sum of money that your 'student's' name was Sara Sidle."

"Very good, Detective."

"So, don't' you think someone you've been infatuated with for five years is worth taking a risk for?"

"I don't know, Jim. I need to sleep on this."

"Fine. You sleep on it. But dream about this. Dream of spending your life with the one person that can distract you from your creepy little bugs. The one person that actually appreciates your work habits. The one person that understands interrupting your only night off for a dead body. The one person you see when you close your eyes. Then, when that dream is over, have a nightmare. A nightmare of your lonely life without her. A nightmare about seeing her with someone else while you dream about her alone in your bed every night. Because you and I both know you'll never love anyone else." He stood to leave and glanced over at Gil with his mouth hung open and his drooping eyes widened. "Night, Gil."