Disclaimer: As I drift back to sleep and into dreamland, the next chapter unfolds in my mind. Then I slip into a nightmare, knowing this will never belong to me. So, "Welcome to my nightmare. I think you're going to like it." Alice Cooper.
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11
At eight o'clock on the dot there was a knock at her door. "Good morning."
He handed her a single yellow rose, "Yes it is. You look great."
Griss, I'm wearing jeans and a sweater." She didn't add that she thought he looked fabulous leaning against her door jam in his blue jeans, black shirt and jean jacket.
"You still look great to me."
"You're nuts. Get in here." After he hung up his coat, "Coffee?"
"Please. Anything I can do to help?"
"Just make yourself comfortable at the table. Everything's ready." She kept talking to him from behind the counter and he immediately decided he liked the open layout of her apartment. No matter where she was, except the bedroom or bathroom, he could always see her. "Did you sleep all right?"
"For a couple hours. I had a lot on my mind."
She set a plate with a Belgian waffle, fruit and yogurt in front of him and then sat down with hers across from him. "Wanna talk about it?"
"This looks fantastic, Sara! I didn't know you could cook."
"I can; I just choose not to most of the time. It's no fun cooking for one person. There's no one to impress with the outcome or the taste, no one to share the experience of the meal with."
"I've never thought of a meal as an experience."
"If you put over fifteen minutes into cooking a meal and preparing the table, it's an experience. Cooking a well-prepared meal is an art. Just like painting a picture or composing a song, once you're done, you want to share it with someone."
"Well, this meal, Miss Sara Sidle, is an exquisite piece of art."
"Thank you. But you haven't seen anything yet." He liked the silent promise of more homemade meals shared together. "So, I take it you don't want to talk about your somewhat sleepless night, so what are your plans for today?"
"I wasn't trying to avoid your earlier question, I was literally taken aback by the meal. I did get a couple good hours of sleep, I was just thinking for a while after you left. I was thinking about what you told me about forgiving myself and I think I know how you can help me."
"Okay."
"As each instance crosses my mind that I feel like I need to apologize for, I'm going to talk to you about it. I'm not going to sit here and try to create a list, because it's not like that. I'm just saying that when they pop into my head, I want to be able to explain why I acted the way I acted."
"Okay."
"That might mean that I call you at strange hours or times. If I can't reach you, or if it's not convenient for you, I'll write it down and talk to you about it later."
"Okay."
"Do you have anything else to say?"
"Should I?"
"I don't know. Do you think this is a stupid idea?"
"I think that everyone has to get through life's obstacles in their own way. If this is what's going to work for you, then far be it for me to stand in your way. I told you I'd help in any way I can, and I will."
"Okay. So, can we talk about one instance that's been on my mind?"
"Go for it."
"That night, after the lab blew up, you asked me to dinner. Do you remember?"
"How can I forget?"
"Hmm. Well, I turned down your invitation."
"I believe you told me that you didn't know how to handle this."
"Yes. Why does it not surprise me that you know what I said almost word for word? Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was what I meant by that. I was going through an internal struggle at the point you walked in my office. You see, for a few months prior to that, I'd been dealing with the pending loss of my hearing. I have otosclerosis; it's hereditary. My mother lost her hearing when I was five, but that's a whole other story." She was shocked at how open he'd just become with her. It the past 45 seconds he'd opened a door into his life for only her. "My point is, my life was in turmoil. My career, which we both know is important to me, depends on my five senses. When I thought I was going deaf, I saw my life flash in front of my eyes. I felt like I was losing everything. Then when the lab blew up and you were hurt, I just couldn't take it. Here I was worried about my hearing and whether or not I should have surgery and I almost lost you in the blink of an eye. I know you had no idea about my hearing, and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it, but I want you to know that you are the one that gave me the strength to have my surgery."
"I'm not sure I'm following you. I could just be in shock from this information overload, but my mind is not processing the whole 'fill in the blank' function that it normally does. So, could you help me out a little here?"
"Sorry, my mind is way out ahead of my words. What I mean is, when I saw you sitting on the curb after the explosion with your hand hurt, I was a whirlwind of emotions. I was so happy that you weren't badly hurt, terrified that you wouldn't recover from the trauma and confused with my inner drive to gather you in my arms and let you cry on my shoulder. Then when I heard about you going into that crime scene without it being cleared first, I just…it pushed me to the edge. I felt so helpless. My need to be able to take care of you took over. I knew the only way I could take care of you was to get better myself, first. My need to help you made me help myself. I think that if it weren't for that, I would have just pushed myself as far as possible without having that surgery. When you walked into my office and asked me to dinner, I had just taken out my doctor's card to call her about scheduling. When I said that I didn't know what to do about this, it wasn't just about us. I didn't know what to do about my health. There was a chance that the surgery wouldn't help; that I'd lose my hearing completely. I didn't know what to do about taking care of you. I didn't even know if I'd be in a position to be able to help you. I didn't know what to do about my job if the surgery didn't help. At that moment, I didn't know what to do about life. I only knew that my next step toward you was having that surgery."