Heyyy everyone! I know it's shocking--I'm updating after ONE day! But hey, I had the chapter done, and since I was overwhelmed by your awesome reviews, I decided to put this chapter up today:) Idon't want to keep you waiting, so here it is. Review replies at the end! Enjoy!
I Don't Want To Feel
Chapter 5
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"I know what its like to want to die.
How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in, but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside.
When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."
-Girl, Interrupted
--
Harry stared up at the darkness above his bed, staring up at the only thing that kept him company; the shadow of a tree branch that cast an eerie shape above his bed. But Harry didn't care; something as childish as a shadow could not scare him anymore. Malfoy's words repeated through his mind as he spent the second night wide awake on behalf of Draco Malfoy. Harry could not understand why Malfoy's words affected him so much. And the way he stared...Harry felt like Draco was staring right into his soul; and it disturbed him. A lot.
Those eyes. Those grey eyes.
"Do you like to hurt, Potter?" Malfoy's voice echoed through his mind, and Harry ran a hand over the arm which he knew held the cuts. That look in Malfoy's eyes...what had it been? Glee? Surprise? ...Understanding?
Harry shook his head. Nobody could ever understand what those cuts symbolized. Especially Malfoy.
'Malfoy knows!' A voice in Harry's head called, and he rolled over onto his side, facing the scarlet curtains around him. "I'm on my own. No one would die for me. No one gives a shit about me." came Malfoy's voice again, and Harry closed his eyes, cursing whatever had placed him with Malfoy.
"He's messing with my mind." Harry whispered to himself, "Fucking hell Malfoy...get out of my mind."
But those eyes. Those empty eyes.
They followed Harry until he finally closed his eyes two hours before breakfast.
"Harry, you look terrible. Have you been getting any sleep at all?" Hermione asked worriedly, swooping down on Harry as he tried to quickly finish his breakfast. "Look at those circles under your eyes!"
"I'm fine." Harry mumbled, angry by the distraction. "I sleep just fine, thank you."
"Harry...it's just--"
"I know I look like shit, Hermione. But it's none of your business."
"Well, Harry! I am your friend and--"
"Hermione...shut up."
"Now mate, she's only trying to help. No need to be mean." Ron muttered apprehensively, quickly going back to his porridge as Harry glared at him.
"He's right Harry. I'm only trying to help. You look exhausted...and I care about you!"
Harry had always tried to keep his cool around Ron and Hermione, afraid that one little slip up could mess up his cover and everything else involving his 'secret world'. But that word...that one word; care. He hated it. Hated it above most things. And the way Hermione used it? It drove him crazy. She did not care about him--nobody did. If anybody cared about him, he wouldn't be in the situation he was in right now.
"No, Hermione! You do not care about me. Caring about someone is NOT ignoring them half the time, and then attacking them when they want to be alone!" Harry seethed, his voice getting louder at each word. Gryffindors stared at Harry, surprised, as people from other houses began to turn around and try and catch a look at what was happening with the Goldren Trio.
"I--Harry...I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well, you should be!" Harry yelled, quickly getting up and walking out of the Great Hall; and just in time too. Right as he walked past the huge doors, ignoring the curious stares people were giving him, his forearm began to tingle. "Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant." Harry muttered, making his way outside.
"Ah Potter, looking like shit as usual...but I notice you're a few hours early. Trying to earn some points with Voldie?"
"Shut up Malfoy, I am not in the mood for your fucking comments right now."
"Oh, touchy. You're so delicious when you act like this, Potter." Malfoy said huskily, and Harry slammed himself up against the bars.
"I said SHUT UP, Malfoy."
"Well, what happened then."
"What!" Harry snapped, walking away from the bars and throwing himself down onto the chair.
"Why are you so pissed off and why are you here so early?"
"Voldemort's off on a raid. With everyone else."
"Ah, I knew there was an absense of the usual tortured screams. It's about that time of day, you know?" Malfoy said, sounding as if the tortured screams of human beings was something he had heard every day of his life and was quite a usual thing. "So, if you're so mad about these raids, why are you a Death Eater?"
"What are you talking about Malfoy? I want to be out there."
"You want to be out there torturing and killing helpless muggles?"
Harry remained silent and Malfoy plopped down on the ground.
"Well, only a miracle can save the Wizarding World now. Harry Potter is properly evil. I never thought I'd hear that come out of your mouth, Potter."
"Well then don't think. Apparently you're wrong with everything you think about."
"Potter, really. Why the hell would you want to do that? What did they do to you? I mean, didn't you grow up with muggles?"
Harry let out a short, bark-like laugh. It reminded him so much of... but he couldn't think of it. He wouldn't think of him.
"Oh yes, I grew up with them alright. In a cupboard under the stairs."
Malfoy stared. He hated how Potter could never stop surprising him. He hated being surprised.
"Well, no wonder you want to die."
"What." Harry said sharply, narrowing his eyes at Draco. "Who said I wanted to die?"
"Shut up, Potter. I know the signs. You cut yourself, you're lost in your own little world, you're bitter, you don't care about anything, you became a Death Eater...everything points to it."
"What do you know!"
"Probably a lot more than you do."
"Right, because getting O's in Potions means you know everything about somebody wanting to die. For your information, I chose this life for myself to stay alive." Harry snapped, getting up and pacing, not liking to be still for a long time. Draco stared at the teenager as he paced the stone ground and slowly shook his head.
"Potter, you and I both know that you were not intending to stay alive for too long when you joined Voldemort."
"Malfoy...you and I both don't know anything, you understand me? I am on my own; and I don't need anyone sympathizing about me."
"Right. How are Weasel and Mudblood?"
Harry stopped pacing, dumbfounded by the abrupt change in subject. Draco stared down at his fingernails, picking at the dirt that was gathering in them.
"Well?" Draco pressed on, beginning to drum his fingers on top of his knee, raising his eyebrows.
"They piss me off."
"Aahh...the day has come. I always awaited this day. It excited me."
"What the hell are you talking about, Malfoy?"
"The day the Golden Trio dispersed and went their separate ways." Draco said dramatically, making wild hand gestures.
"You know, Malfoy, for someone behind bars, you're quite lively."
"I live for the day, Potter."
"Bullshit. If I want to die, then what about you? No offence Malfoy, but I can't imagine you prancing through a field of flowers exclaiming that you love life."
"That would be quite a spectacle, wouldn't it?"
Harry couldn't help himself; he snorted.
"But no, maybe I don't live for the day--but anybody compared to you, Potter, is lively. Hell, the Bloody Baron is nicer than you."
"Well Malfoy, this is me, so get used to it. I'm stuck here for a long time still. What do you want me to do...pretend to be all happy and cheerful, sneaking food and games down here? Well I'm sorry Malfoy...I'm no longer five years old and I will not fake who I am; I already have to do that every single day of my life. These are the few hours I have to be as mean as possible." Harry said quite softly, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. Draco watched Harry as he rocked back and forth in his chair, and he furrowed his brow.
"You never answered my question."
"About what?"
"Weasel and co."
"We 'dispersed' a long time ago, Malfoy...it just wasn't as obvious as it is now. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I ever knew them at all. Sometimes I wonder if that was all just a dream."
"Potter..." Draco started, but paused. He closed his eyes and sighed. "It was there."
"How would you know, Malfoy? What's with you suddenly thinking that you understand everything I've been through?"
"Because I know what it's like, and you know it. I saw that look yesterday...that look you had when you realized that someone actually felt the same way you did. To feel like nobody gives a shit about you. But I know, Potter, I know. I know what it feels like to lay in bed every night, just wishing the world could end right then and there. How you hurt yourself...wishing that that empty feeling in you would disappear or that maybe, just maybe, you 'accidently' cut too deep and you just might accidently die. I know how--"
"Malfoy."
"Shut up. I know how it feels to think you have friends, but then when you're alone begin to doubt that they even remember your existance after you left them. I know how it feels to be a good person, but then realize that that's just not how you're supposed to be. I know how it is to put up walls and pretend you're someone you really aren't. To put that fake smile up when everyone is looking, but deep down wish you could just throw something out the window."
"MALFOY!"
"I know what it feels like to realize that everything you believed in was wrong. That everyone that was taught to you was all a load of bull; and that you really are completely and utterly alone in this world. I know what it's like to wish and wish that something just might happen...but when it does, everything you expected is fucked up and everything goes wrong..."
"Malfoy..."
"That's how I felt right when you walked down those stairs on that first day."
Harry stopped a foot away from the bars and just stared at Malfoy, who stared back defensively. Harry shook his head as he felt his eyes begin to sting, and he knew what was coming. He was showing weakness...and he did not need this. He could not show this. Suddenly not caring about what his punishment would be, Harry spun on his heel and walked towards the stairs. After he was about five steps up, Draco lay back dejectedly and whispered...
"...And I thought you would be the one to save me."
What he did not know was that Harry, seven steps up, stopped in his tracks and released his first tear in over a year.
Yup, there it is...chapter five. Getting longer, but not too long yet. Please please review and tell me what you think! I really want to know! Here's some replies to reviews that needed them:
Fifespice: Thank you for your reviews, much appreciation from me to you. However, as annoying as I may sound, my reply to you is: all in good time, my dear--all in good time. I hope you continue reading & enjoyed this chapter!
zuko'sfirebendingirl: Oh no...I don't like confusing readers! But yeah, I understand why you are confused. He is a goody goody! But it will be explained. I promise!
Thanks also to harvestergirl, devinnetjuh and DarkxAz for your kind words & for reading! I hope you liked this chapter!
Please please review and tell me what you think!