Heyy beloved readers! Here I am again with another chapter! It's only been two days and you guys are already scolding me for taking too long! I feel loved...(huge huge grin). Anyway, since I love you all so much & you leave such brilliant reviews, here is the next chapter, dedicated to ALL of you awesome people that reviewed! What a chapter full of realizations! Hope you enjoy it!

I Don't Want To Feel

Chapter Twelve

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Let me live without this;
Empty bliss, selfishness.

--

It was five days before the attack on Hogwarts, and Harry Potter was extremely--excited. Lord Voldemort had been smiling a bit too much lately, but even that could not stop Harry from what he was feeling. It usually worried him when Voldemort smiled like that; but this time, Harry did not have time to think that much about it. If Harry had cared about anything but himself at that time, he would have noticed that Lucius Malfoy was smiling as well.

That final week, Harry spent most of his time at Hogwarts, acting like the Gryffindor Golden Boy they all had missed. Ron smiled. Hermione smiled. Harry smiled. In fact, the young Death Eaters' world was full of smiles at the moment. His own smile was more sadistic though. He was envisioning the doom that these idiots around him would all be facing; at his hands. It was brillliant, and Harry could hardly wait.

Harry had never felt this evil before. The Sirius screaming in his head was calmly being blocked now, and Harry strut around Hogwarts like he owned the place. If he carried this any further, people might call him the next Draco Malfoy.

Who was still missing. Letters of withdrawal from Hogwarts arrived on the first day back from Christmas holidays, and Albus Dumbledore sat in confusion about the letter before him. Gone to Durmstrang it read, signed Lucius Malfoy. It shouldn't have seemed that odd to the old man, but something inside him told him that this was not one-hundred percent true. He sat mulling in his suspicion for a few hours, but couldn't help pushing it out of his mind when Severus Snape walked into his office looking thoroughly confused.

"The Dark Lord is smiling, Sir. And he won't stop."

"Smiling, Severus? That's the only thing you have to say?"

"That's all he does. There is no planning, discussing; he just sits and smiles. The only interesting thing I have heard was him telling Lucius Malfoy that 'this will be fun'. What will be fun, I do not know."

"I have a feeling, Severus, that his trust in you is wearing thin. Not what we want at this time. You must speak to him, Severus."

"About what, Albus? What could I possibly say without looking too suspicious?"

"Well, talk to Lucius."

Snape frowned. "I don't think that will work, either. Lucius, he--there's this, person. He's always with him; muttering between each other. Planning...something, maybe? He's short; perhaps only a teenager. I have never seen his face, though. He never takes his mask off; it's always intact. He's important, though; I can feel it."

"Interesting." Albus muttered, stroking his beard. He fingered the letter he had been reading, and then sighed. "Severus, what do you think about Draco Malfoy going to Durmstrang?"

"Draco went to Durmstrang?" Severus repeated, confusion and surprise evident in his voice. Albus nodded.

"I got Lucius Malfoy's letter of withdrawal today."

"I will speak to him, Headmaster. This news is quite...surprising. Lucius always said he thought Durmstrang would be so much better for Draco, but Narcissa would never allow it. Something must have happened."

Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore stared at each other. They were thinking the exact same thing.

"Y-you don't think...I would have known...you think it's Draco, don't you?"

"Mere suspicion. Would Lucius do it?"

"Of course he would. I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before. Lucius was always determined to make Draco just like him..."

"So my fears are true?"

"They could be, Albus, I'm afraid. And now I can't even talk to the boy; he's gone."

Silence.

"We have a problem, Severus."

"Honestly though, Albus; I don't understand why we are fretting so much about this." Remus Lupin said, furrowing his brow. Next to him, Minerva McGonagal nodded in agreement. "Draco Malfoy, Death Eater or not, is no longer a threat to Hogwarts! He has been withdrawn, and that is one less Death Eater for you to deal with!"

Key Order members had been contacted, and they now sat around in Dumbledore's office discussing what Severus Snape had reported.

"Still, Lupin, don't you understand?" Snape started, rolling his eyes. "Withdrawing Draco from Hogwarts could mean hundreds of things; but one of them is that whatever information Draco was trying to collect here has been collected and they no longer need him to be here. Sure, there could be many more teenage Death Eaters at Hogwarts, but this is Draco Malfoy. Do you think Lucius would settle with Draco just being one of them?" Snape questioned retorically, and the Order members just stared at him. "Oh no. If Draco is a Death Eater, he's sitting somewhere at the top."

"What if all of this is a lie?" came the gruff voice of Mad-Eye Moody, and Snape turned his head roughly to face him. "What if the boy doesn't even go to Durmstrang?"

"Ridiculous!" Snape cried, rolling his eyes and turning to Dumbledore who had a thoughtful expression on his face. "Lucius Malfoy is smarter than that! He knows one of the idiots would think that and try and contact Karkaroff." He turned sharply towards Moody, "and you know what Karkaroff is; as much as he likes to deny it."

"Oh yes Snape...once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater." Moody sneered at him, and Dumbledore held up his hands.

"Enough! We are not here to discuss Karkaroff or Severus being Death Eaters. We are talking about Draco Malfoy."

"But Albus, honestly. What information could Malfoy have found?" Arthur Weasley inquired, speaking for the first time.

"We can't know that, Weasley, can we!" Snape snapped, rolling his eyes. He seemed to have been doing that a lot this meeting. Dumbledore shot him a look, and then answered Arthur in a calm voice.

"Anything, really. It depends what type of information he needed. It could have been about the building, me, Severus--maybe even Harry."

"Yes; Potter. Where is the boy, anyway?"

"Asleep, of course!" Molly Weasley cried, looking at Snape as if he was stupid. "It's near midnight and the boy must be exhausted. All those classes he has!"

Snape smirked. "Of course; Mr. Potter needs his beauty sleep. He's been a right pain in the--"

"Severus." Dumbledore interupted with a warning tone.

"Strutting around the school like he owns the place. Don't tell me none of you have noticed." He continued, eyeing the other teachers who avoided looking at him. "Something is up with Mr. Potter."

"Oh do shut up Snivelly; leave Harry alone!" Remus suddenly growled, getting up and walking over to Snape who narrowed his eyes at the old nickname. "If it's anything, Draco Malfoy leaving Hogwarts is a sign. Something is going to happen and we should be ready for anything."

Albus Dumbledore agreed. Something bad lay in Hogwarts' future.

What he didn't expect was that it was due in just a few days.

Harry lay on a common room couch and stared at the scarlet coloured ceiling. How he hated the colour scarlet. It reminded him of blood; lots and lots of blood. Blood flowing down his arms as he cut himself, blood flowing from cuts on pale skin...Harry stopped himself. For the past three days every single thing he saw reminded him on Draco Malfoy. Whether it was something obvious like blonde hair, or something like cuts on pale skin...everything pointed to Draco.

Harry scolded himself every day when he woke to the sight of Draco in his mind. He had told himself he would never feel for anything; but here he was, feeling every single emotion in the world. Harry Potter was anxious, happy, sad, worried, confused...in love?

NO! screamed a voice in Harry's mind, as he sat up quickly and almost fell off the couch in doing so. He was NOT in love! Especially with Draco. Draco Malfoy. His sworn enemy since he was eleven. And not only that--Harry Potter did not love anyone. Love was not a feeling one should have as a Death Eater. Love meant weakness; something to get in the way of power and duty. No; Harry Potter did not love Draco Malfoy. He didn't feel anything for him. He was just another person.

Who he happened to kiss every once in a while.

Harry groaned as he covered his face with his hands. He hadn't seen Draco for a few days now, and their last meeting had ended with passionate kissing. Well, their last meeting had been only passionate kissing.

Why had he put himself in such a position?

Kissing the enemy; kissing the prisoner. Nothing good could come of this.

But those lips; those kisses. They made Harry want more. And more. And more.

Harry was addicted. Addicted to Draco Malfoy.

He tried to convince himself that that was all they were; kisses. Kisses to make him feel better, wanted; just lustful kisses.

But he couldn't. He wasn't in lust with Draco; he was in love.

Harry jumped to his feet and ran up the dormtower stairs, throwing open the bathroom door and locking himself inside. He pulled out his wand and cast a silencing charm to the room before punching his fist down on a sink. He breathed in and out heavily, his eyes misting over.

He would not cry...he would NOT cry.

Tears began spilling over his eyes as sobs racked his exhausted body.

'Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry.' came a voice in his mind, but it was too late. Harry Potter was sobbing in the Gryffindor Sixth Years' bathrooms. At two o'clock in the morning.

And how he hated himself. He had let himself go; he had dropped all his walls.

'Death Eaters do not cry!' He told himself, but it only made him cry harder. What had become of him?

He looked up and caught his reflection in the mirror. He looked awful. Was this how evil looked like? Because that was what he was; Harry Potter was evil.

He examined his face and couldn't help but feel disgusted. His eyes were red from crying, his cheeks tear stained. His hair was as messy as ever, and his glasses were wet from the tears he cried. To top things all off, he had dark circles under his eyes from not sleeping in many days.

Yes, Harry Potter was disgusting and he hated himself for it.

He hated himself for everything.

Including loving Draco Malfoy.

How had he managed to do this? How could he fall in love with Draco Malfoy? He'd only known him for a few weeks!

He froze. Maybe he wasn't in love. Maybe he just thought it was love.

He shook his head. Now he was trying to grasp and believe anything that made it sound like he wasn't in love. But oh it was love; that, Harry was certain about. What else would make his stomach do belly flops whenever he thought of Draco's eyes, lips, smile? What else would make his chest feel like it had a gaping chasm in it when he was not next to Draco? What else would make him want to sit in a prison almost every day?

Yes, he loved him. As much as he didn't want to; Harry Potter loved Draco Malfoy.

Draco Malfoy figured he was either dreaming or he had gone completely mental. He lay in the back of his cell, in complete darkness, thinking about Harry Potter. In the past two hours he had felt many different emotions for the boy, and he had now reached hate. He was going through a list of reasons why he hated him. After half an hour, he had only come up with one.

1. He hated the boy for making him feel like this.

In the past few days Draco had come to terms that he indeed loved Harry. Why, he wasn't quite sure. He really had just met him. He had spent too many years hating him, and now his feelings had taken a complete 360 degree turn. He wasn't even sure why he loved him; and what had possessed him to do so.

Never in his life had Draco ever felt like this. Not even for his own family.

But suddenly; suddenly here he was, in love with Harry Potter. He had tried to deny it, tried to distract himself; but then he came, and Draco's world lit up. He didn't feel depressed, angry, just...light. And in love.

How many times did that word have to come up? What a pathetic word. What is love, anyway?

Draco knew. Draco could write a book about it.

It was that feeling... that feeling of pure bliss, butterflies in your stomach and smiles. Just smiles. Harry's smile.

Draco smiled in the dark. He loved Harry's smile; and he loved the fact that it was he who could make Harry smile. He knew the teenager barely smiled.

Draco's smile disappeared as he heard footsteps, but calmed down as he realized they weren't heading towards him. Draco was paranoid. Harry hadn't been down in the dungeons for days now, and his only "visitors" were bumbling idiots coming down to guard him. And Voldemort.

Voldemort scared him. He had an eerie smile plastered onto his face, and it seemed like it never went away.

But Voldemort never hurt him. Not once. He just stared...and smiled. Like something good was going to happen. Something much more entertaining than hurting Draco right then and there.

Draco shook his head, clearing his mind of all thoughts of the Dark Lord. Harry's face climbed back into his mind and Draco sighed. That's all his life was now; all that was keeping him alive in his gloomy cell. Harry.

Harry, Harry, Harry.

He felt pathetic. Harry didn't even love him.

Did he?

'Of course not, you love-sick fool!' cried a voice in his head, and Draco cringed. The voice was right though. If Harry loved him, he would have gotten him out of here by now. 'He prefers his Master over you! You're a coward.' the voice continued, and Draco felt his eyes well up.

It hurt to love Harry Potter.

Well, what do you think? Please review...the next chapter should be up shortly!

Much love, kiddos.