Hello there people! Yes, I'm back with the next chapter...and it's only been like TWO DAYS. But hey, I decided I didn't want to receive death threats or anything. Hee. You all make it seem like my updates take years, hahaha! Anyway, since I was so happy with all my nice reviews, I've actually answered them this time! So, here you are, before the chapter (the longest one yet!) begins.

Catchy Turn: Eeehhh, neither can I! evil grin

unforgivable curse caster: I know! Curse pride. Haha. All in good time...maybe?

keisan: I guess I'm just such a dark and evil person, eh? No wonder I'm in Slytherin...hmmm. Who needs fluffy love! lol. Kidding. I love fluffly love--and now I'm rambling. Great. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

fifespice: ahh how I love you, oh loyal reader. And your reviews! (grin) I just imagined Lucius and Voldie smiling all the time, and it kinda creeped me out...haha. But YEAH! I made the Order really dumb, didn't I? Exxceelllent! Haha, I actually laughed out loud when I reread it, because they are putting SO much faith in their little Death Eater Harry. (evil grin) Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Mrs. J.D. Malfoy: Now Mrs. Malfoy, although I am the real Mrs. Malfoy, I must say I loved your comment. (LOL jk) It really made me smile and feel all happy. Yeah, sounds kinda...gay...but whatever. Now I know that there are other readers like me that read fics up till 3:30am! Yayy! Haha, anyway! Thank you very much for the fanfic recommendation-- I'll be sure to check it out. Unfortunately, I do not have AIM, but thanks for your sn! I feel honoured. lol! Ok, before I go all weird on you... (it's 1:20am), I shall just say: I hope you like this chapter! Enjoy.

ALSO, THANK YOU TO: PaddyWaddy, hittocerebattosai, Laura, DarkxAz, Ardion Aklin. I hope you guys all enjoy this chapter!

Now, on to the story! Enjoy!

I Don't Want To Feel

Chapter Thirteen

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You love me even though I don't deserve it.

--

The day before the attack, Harry visited Draco in the dungeons one last time. They smiled tentively at each other as a greeting, and then proceeded to get lost in their own thoughts for about half an hour. Each thought about their own problem, not knowing that their problems were almost identical.

"Tomorrow's the attack." Harry started quietly, pulling them both out of their personal thoughts. He knew that Draco knew this, but decided to bring it up anyway.

"I know." Draco replied slowly, "I can feel it."

Harry looked up.

"Yeah?"

"There's this...quiet. All the time."

Harry did not reply. He was thinking about Draco.

"Do you think you'll be in here forever?" Harry questioned, and Draco looked up quickly. He was met with guarded emerald eyes, staring at him questioningly. His heart skipped a beat and he shrugged.

"Maybe, maybe not. I think it depends on what happens tomorrow."

"And what will assure your freedom?"

Silence. Both knew the answer, but Draco dreaded saying in. He didn't want Harry to... it struck him. He didn't want Harry to what? What would Harry do if he said it? What would Harry do if he made it sound like he wanted Dumbledore and all those people to win?

"You know, Harry." Draco whispered, deciding it was his safest option. Harry just stared.

"I know, Draco."

Silence.

"What would you do if you were free, Draco?" Harry whispered, still staring straight into Draco's eyes. He had this look in his eyes, but Draco couldn't place it. He didn't know what it was showing or saying.

"Drink a huge glass of cold pumpkin juice." Draco replied grinning, and Harry smiled slightly.

"That's it? After being locked away for more than a month, you'd just drink pumpkin juice?"

Draco's grin faltered. "Freedom doesn't really seem like an option right now." He confessed softly, looking away from the emerald eyes. He closed his eyes and imagined himself walking through a beautiful field, away from the city, away from everyone else. Just him and...

His eyes flew open. He couldn't think that way.

He caught Harry's gaze and felt overwhelmed by what he saw. It was that look, multiplied by a thousand. It was so intense, yet Draco still could not figure out what it was. His gaze left Harry's face nervously, sweeping around to take in Harry's appearance. To sum it up in one word, Harry looked exhausted. And Draco told him that. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

"Do I? I've stopped looking in the mirror now. I figured I'd look horrible."

"Don't worry; you probably don't look as bad as I do. I haven't seen a mirror for more than a month." Draco replied, wrinkling his nose in disgust. He felt Harry's eyes sweep over him, and he shivered. Suddenly, Harry pulled out his wand and conjured up a mirror.

"Want to see?" He asked, and Draco gaped. He wasn't sure he wanted to see how bad he looked; it would be embarassing to think about later. "It's not that bad, Draco." Harry added, and Draco relaxed. Somehow, Harry telling him that made him feel better. But just a bit. He sighed and nodded, and Harry turned the mirror around.

Draco's mouth dropped. Not bad! his mind screamed, NOT BAD! He looked terrible. Dirty, filthy--disgusting. And oh, his beautiful blonde hair! His face was marked with cuts, his hair was matted with a mixture of dirt and blood. During his panic attack, Draco failed to notice two major things. One was the way Harry was staring at him, and the second was his eyes. Nothing was wrong with them physically, but that look that they held...

Draco froze when he finally noticed Harry's eyes on him. The look was still there. He quickly turned away and caught himself in the mirror again. What he found there was...quite a surprise. The look; the emotion he had seen in Harry eyes was staring back at him again--from his own eyes. It was the feeling that accompanied the look, however, that surprised Draco most. It was of love. The love he felt for Harry. Shocked, he turned back to Harry, realization striking him. What he found in the green eyes, however, was not the look they had held before. The look was gone, replaced with one he was used to. Pain; fear.

"What?" Harry whispered, staring back at the slightly panicking Draco.

"Put it away." Draco muttered, looking away. After a few seconds he looked up again, but scowled when he was met with his own reflection still. "Put it away! Please!" He exclaimed, backing away slightly. Wordlessly, and still staring, Harry got rid of the mirror and made to sit down on the wooden chair. The two were silent for about an hour, until Harry jumped up and made for the stairs. "Where are you going?"

"I can't take any more of this silence! That's not what I came here for!"

"Yeah, well, then what did you come here for! You're a Death Eater, Harry! You're here to guard me; not strike up a conversation!"

"Oh, so you're telling me what I'm supposed to do now, are you?"

"Why are you being so difficult!"

"Me? Difficult! You don't know what you are talking about! You're the one that freaked out and then stayed silent for the next hour!"

"Why do you care?"

"I don't!"

"Then why are you acting like it's such a big deal?"

"I'm...not." Harry finished lamely, walking towards the cell again.

"Nice come back, Potter. Really nice. Why don't you quit lying and tell the truth for once!"

"Because, as you pointed out before, I'm a Death Eater. I don't need to."

"Some Death Eater you are." Draco said haughtily, "Befriending your prisoner!" He added, and immediately regretted it.

"We are not friends, Malfoy! And I can see that we never will be! You'll stay the coward and complete loser you are and refuse to join Voldemort, and I will--"

"Will what? Have eternal glory! Oh please. You seem to hate the fact that people would forget you if you defeat Voldemort, but what do you think Voldemort will do once you help give him the Wizarding World? Build a statue of you! Hardly. It doesn't matter if you give him Dumbledore's head on a gold platter and the whole world along with it; he'll tire of you. He always does. Look at my father! You replaced him like that!" Draco said, snapping his fingers. "And you said you wanted to be just Harry. How can you be him if you are so concerned about people forgetting you? What do you want, Harry? All I've been hearing from you is nonsense and selfish desires."

"And I thought you understood me! Do you just lie about everything?" Harry countered, glaring.

"Don't make it seem like I'm the bad guy in this, Harry Potter! Y--"

"I? I what, exactly, Malfoy? I brain washed you into agreeing with me? I made you kiss me?"

"Don't you--"

"What? Make you realize that you kissed me? Harry-fucking-Potter? The Boy-Who-Lived? Don't I what, Draco?"

He began to walk towards the stairs again, but Draco's voice stopped him for the second time.

"Don't you make that all seem like an accident; a spur of the moment thing. You know it wasn't. You know there was something more to it. Even you couldn't lie to yourself about that." Draco's voice came soft and wobbly, like he was very nervous. Harry turned, his eyes narrowed.

"It was." Harry replied simply, and shrugged. "What did you expect, Malfoy? For me to waltz you out of here and whisk you away to elope in some foreign, exotic country? You really think I would do that?"

Draco felt like his heart was going to explode, but he swallowed and answered as calmly as he could.

"No. I never expected anything like that; but I at least expected that you would acknowledge what is going on."

"Was, Malfoy. We--you and I--we're over. If we were ever something, anyway."

Draco's eyes lit up and Harry looked away.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have some last minute Death Eater things to take care of. Have fun."

Harry strode up the stairs, but was once again stopped by Draco. This time, the voice sounded lost, broken--almost desperate. It was, however, what was said to him that made Harry either want to run away screaming or hug the blonde and cry on his shoulder.

"I love you." Draco whispered, defeated. It seemed like it was the only thing he could say to make Harry stay. He had seen that look in Harry's eyes; the look identical to his. Hope had sparked up in him; a small glimmer of hope, but hope nontheless. Harry stood staring in the opposite direction for a few minutes, and then slowly turned towards Draco.

Harry's face was blank; completely empty of any emotion.

"Why?" The one world came softly, but Draco heard it. He didn't know the answer. He had tried to find out why; but he couldn't. It was all too complicated.

"I don't know." He replied just as quietly, and Harry stepped down a few steps. He slowly made his way towards Draco, his face still empty.

"How can you not know why?"

"I--I--I just don't. I can't explain it. I just..." Draco stuttered, but he couldn't continue. He felt completely lost. "What should I do, Harry? What can I do? I wasn't supposed to love you."

Then something changed on Harry's blank face; an emotion past through. Too quickly, though. In less than a second it was gone, and so was Harry. He was backing away, shaking his head.

"Harry..." Draco started, but Harry just continued to shake his head.

"Why did you--how could--why'd you say that?"

Draco was confused. He had absolutely no idea what Harry was talking about. Which part was Harry speaking of? Before anything else could be said between them, Harry spun on his heel and began walking up the stairs as quickly as possible. Before he completely disappeared from view, he turned back to face Draco, his eyes narrowed.

"I wish you never told me." He said softly, just loud enough for Draco to hear. Draco moved closer to the bars, his face sad and confused. "I wish I never knew!" Harry exclaimed loudly, turning around the disappearing up the stairs.

Draco felt like throwing himself against the stone walls.

Harry Potter was once again locked up in the Six Year's bathrooms, a Silencing Charm firmly in place. He stood hunched over the sink, crying. That's all he seemed to do at night. That's all he seemed to do when he could completely be himself. Whoever he was. Visions from a few hours prior flashed through his mind, his conversation with Voldemort still fresh in his mind.

"This is all yours, Harry. All yours. I will be watching, but I will not be there unless my presence is needed. But it won't be needed, will it? You won't disappoint me, will you?"

Harry bowed low, not facing Voldemort. If he didn't have that nervous feeling in his chest, he could have been looking into his Master's eyes and seen a curious glint. Like he was keeping a very exciting secret.

"No my Lord, I will do whatever it takes to kill all those fools. Even if it takes my life."

Voldemort smiled.

"Oh no, Harry. We will not need you to go that far...yet."

Harry flinched, but didn't say anything.

"Is everything ready to go?" Voldemort went on, ignoring the fact that he had clearly seen the boy flinch. "Are you ready for victory?"

"Yes, milord. Everything is perfect. Victory should indeed follow."

"Good luck, Mr. Potter. Make me proud."

Harry turned on the faucet and began to throw water on his tear stained face, his pride finally taking over. He couldn't keep coming back for more tears; he didn't need any more weaknesses. With that thought, Draco popped into his mind and Harry's head shot up, catching his reflection in the mirror. Draco had been right; he looked exhausted. He looked horrible. He looked dead.

He shook his head, trying to get that thought away. 'I love you' came Draco's whispered voice, and Harry felt like screaming. 'What have I gotten myself into!' he asked himself yet again, running a hand through his unruly hair. He stared at his reflection in the mirror and sighed. He wondered why Draco had--if he really had--fallen in love with him. What was so special about him? Harry was selfish, malancholic and completely messed up. He had pushed love and feelings away a long time ago because he thought that nobody would ever love him or feel anything for him anyway. But here was Draco, telling him he loved him!

What had he done for Draco to feel this way? What had he done to deserve this?

He was betraying everyone in the world that trusted him. He was betraying the people he once thought he had loved. He was betraying the one and only person he still loved.

He continued to stare at his reflection. It captivated him, drew him in. He saw himself become the happy, care-free Harry he used to be; a real smile on his face, his eyes shadow-free. He couldn't help but crave for that boy--for that life. He wanted to reach into the mirror and pull that boy out; pull his soul out. It was like it was sitting there, waiting for him to become whole again; because that's all he was now, pieces of a puzzle that was never finished. Too small to matter.

He wasn't complete.

But it was gone. All gone. And he had thrown himself away.

His reflection changed back to his present self; lonely, forsaken, and evil. He couldn't help but wonder...which of those two people did Draco love? His reflection or him?

'I wasn't supposed to love you.' Draco had said to him, and Harry had felt like his heart had blown up in his chest. If he still had a heart, of course. Who could have a heart after having such evil thoughts...doing such evil deeds? But Draco had been right. He shouldn't have loved him; he deserved so much more.

Harry was a coward. Draco was brave. He stood up for what he thought was right.

'But this is right.' a voice in Harry's head said, and Harry tried his hardest to agree. This was what he wanted...wasn't it?

He just wanted it all to end. For everything to disappear. For everything to go back to normal.

What normal was, however, Harry did not know. Draco-free dungeons or a Voldemort-free life? He didn't know what his purpose was anymore. Draco didn't know why he loved Harry, and Harry didn't know why he was still alive. If he hadn't had been so selfish, he would have been with Sirius, his mom and his dad by now. When he went now, they woudn't glance at him twice. He was evil; he had betrayed them all. Harry even felt ashamed to hear Sirius' voice in his head. Sirius once telling him that he was so proud of him.

Who would be proud of him now? No one.

Harry was by himself. All by himself.

Tomorrow he would be walking up the lawn of Hogwarts one last time. He wouldn't be able to come back after this. This was the last time he'd be in these bathrooms, these dorms. This was the last time he'd ever see his old friends with smiles on their faces directed to him.

He tried to imagine them with looks on betrayal on their faces; and for the first time in a year, it didn't feel all that good.

He pulled out a razor and smiled at it. He began to produce cuts, naming each of them after somebody he was about to betray.

Sirius. Mom. Dad. Remus. Ron. Hermione. Dumbledore.

It went on.

Draco.

This one was the deepest. And the last.

Harry lay awake on his last night at Hogwarts; the imagine of Draco never leaving his head.

(Sigh) I'm so angsty, and I love it. lol! Now, I know most of you are annoyed, coz you want the Hogwarts scene...but really, I felt this was necessary. I thank Anderson Cooper (my love) and a random quote I once saw for inspiring this chapter. :)

(Grin) But please...PLEASE...review & tell me what you think. Your reviews motivate me--and I haven't even STARTED chapter 14 yet.

The number of reviews shall determine how fast you get the next chapter. (insert evil grin here)

Muhahaha. LOL. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter!