Yessss beloved readers, here I am! Back. And before you start throwing knives and pitchforks (or whatever) at me, let me apologize for the slow and lazy person that I am. Okay, maybe not lazy, really...just, slow, yeah. See, the sadness is, I started this chapter a while ago, but it died halfway and I had no clue what to do. There were just so many different...ways! Stories! Plots! I had to stop for a while and just think things over. Now, it is finally done...well, the chapter, that is.
To tell you the truth, this was supposed to be the last chapter--but it kept getting longer (longest chapter so far) and then story started writing itself and I ended up with...this.
Well, I'll stop rambling. Here are some thanks before the chapter starts:
Thank you (x323232) to these awesome readers/reviewers: hittocerebattosai, unforgivable curse caster, Ardion Aklin, PaddyWaddy, SilverKestrel, kozie, devinnetjuh, darklightbabe
fifespice: ...or can they? God, I'm evil. Hmm...well, just read, I guess. Haha. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks again for reviewing!
Catchy Turn: well..the authors note should have already answered your question, but whatever. I just replied here because I liked your review. Haha. Thanks a million! Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Kati : wow..THANK YOU. that means a lot--really. hope you enjoy this chapter!
DaisukeNiwa14: hmmm. an idea. i shall think about it, yeah? (yes, I'm evil...sorry) but I mean it though.. it's an option. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!
crazysquirl: I had to reply to your review personally coz it cracked me up like crazy. bows thank you, oh great reader! means a lot. hope you enjoy this chapter and that it is up to god-ly standards (errr...?)
Laura: Two reviews. yay. Geez, I'm sorry for taking forever. Hope you enjoy this chapter!
And so...it begins.
I Don't Want To Feel
Chapter Fifteen
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I've got nothing left; just an empty heart.
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Harry Potter woke in a white room, on something very soft. The last thing he remembered was...a battle. The killing curse. A body falling to the ground. Arms flying around him; crying on his shoulder.
Then it all rushed back.
Snape. Voldemort. Draco.
"Oh my God..." Harry groaned, shifting slightly on the soft thing that happened to be a bed.
"Harry?" came a voice from his left, and Harry jumped at the sound. The room was extremely bright for his adjusting eyes, and he hadn't noticed the person sitting beside his bed. "Harry? Are you okay?"
Harry turned towards the voice and found himself face to face with Draco Malfoy. A very worried Draco Malfoy.
"Draco?"
"You remember!"
"I--am I not supposed to?" Harry replied, furrowing his brow. Draco just smiled at him, and patted his head.
"Just playing with you, Harry. You're alright..."
"What happened?"
"Well, after all the drama, your body couldn't take it anymore and you passed out."
"Where am I?" Harry asked, surprised. His bed was surrounded by curtains, and he was too busy thinking about the battle to really take in the details of where he was.
"In the Infirmary, of course!"
"The Hogwarts Infirmary?"
"Well, yes."
"What am I doing here!"
"Harry! You passed out! Where else would you go?"
"But...I'm at Hogwarts! The enemy!"
"Harry...you killed the Dark Lord."
"Yes, but--"
"You saved all of them anyway."
"Oh so this is out of pity!" Harry exclaimed, sitting up and trying to get out of the bed. Draco just pushed him down calmly, and kept his hand on Harry's chest, holding him down.
"No. This is because you got yourself passed out."
"Yes, and now they're going to thank me for ridding the world of Voldemort and throw me into Azkaban for the rest of my life."
"Well--" Draco started, but stopped short. He obviously had not thought about that.
"I have to get out of here!" Harry said, trying to sit up again, but Draco's hand still blocked him from doing anything of the sort.
"You're going nowhere, Harry. You'll have to get through this one. There's no escaping now."
"Draco! I'm a Death Eater! Do you want me to go to prison?" Harry exclaimed frantically, staring at Draco as if he were insane. He stopped, however, at the look on Draco's face. "You...this is some sort of sick plan, isn't it! They made you do all this! You knew I'd kill Voldemort instead of you!"
"Harry!"
"You're one of them!"
"I am absolutely--"
"This was all a plan to get me caught and now you all have me!"
"HARRY! Oh my God, for once in your life, shut up!" Draco yelled, struggling against the frantic young man lying in the bed beside him. Harry automatically stopped thrashing, and stared into the grey eyes before him. "Thank you! No, this is not some sick plan and no, I do not want you to go to prison!"
"So...you weren't faking it?" Harry asked quietly, and Draco shook his head. He placed a hand on Harry's cheek and smiled, tilting his head slightly to the side.
"Of course not."
"Good; cause I meant what I said." Harry whispered, looking away, a slight blush creeping up on his face. Draco melted. Here sat a fearless Death Eater, ashamed of telling Draco how he felt.
"You are so cute..." Draco muttered, leaning closer to Harry, who wrinkled his nose and pouted.
"Cute! Ew. I most certainly am not."
Draco just smiled and leaned even closer, his lips meeting Harry's. He smiled into the kiss, the big question mark in Harry's future momentarily forgotten.
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Later that night, Draco had finally given into sleep and Harry just sat up and watched him sleeping. The moonlight from outside shone through the small window and cast a small light on the blonde sleeping before him.
Beautiful was the only word Harry could find to describe the scene before him.
He just sat, propped up against his pillow, stroking Draco's perfect blonde hair lovingly. He couldn't believe that all this was happening to him. He couldn't believe how lucky he was to...be alive.
He had spent so many years wishing he could just disappear; but watching Draco, it just...made him want to live forever.
'I love you...' came Draco's whispered voice in his head, and Harry sighed happily. That voice; those words, had kept him alive.
"I love you..." Harry whispered to the sleeping boy, and smiled. His smile didn't last long, however, when he heard someone stir by the curtains. Standing by a gap in the curtains, watching him, was Remus Lupin.
Harry's hand froze mid-stroke.
"Hello Harry..." Remus whispered, his eyes moving from the hand on Draco's head to Harry's green eyes. "May I...?" He continued, gesturing towards the other chair on the other side of Harry's bed. Confused and slightly...scared, Harry nodded. Remus slowly made his way towards the chair, careful not to make too much sound. Once he was settled, his eyes caught Harry's once again. "How are you?"
Harry was shocked by the question. Of all things, that was the sentence he least expected. Why wasn't he yelling? Scolding him? Blasting him into oblivion? Remus seemed to realize Harry's reaction and cleared his throat.
"I'm not here as an Order member or higher authority, Harry. I am here as a friend and as a..." he hesitated for a moment, breaking eye contact with Harry. "Stand-in godfather, maybe?"
Harry's head flew up, and his eyes widened.
"I--I...I'm fine." He whispered, trying to keep his voice steady. He failed. His voice cracked, and he felt tears well up in his eyes.
"Harry, I--I can't even pretend to understand...why, and I'm not even going to. I'm just assuming that...something...happened, and you felt that that was your only way out. I'm sorry you felt that way, but...you did the right thing."
"Did I, Remus? Did I do the right thing?" Harry whispered, his surroundings blurred by unshed tears. Remus' eyes once again met Harry's and he was suddenly overwhelmed by all the emotion in Harry's eyes. "I've betrayed everyone. I've got no one now."
Tears began to fall from Harry's eyes.
"Absolutely no one."
Remus was unsure of what to do. He wanted to throw his arms around Harry and tell him everything was going to be okay; but he couldn't. He didn't know if everything was going to be okay. Instead, he just watched helplessly as the boy fell apart.
"That's not true, Harry. You have Draco..." Remus started, his eyes darting towards the sleeping boy. He watched as Harry, perhaps without really realizing it, began stroking the blonde hair again. "And you have me."
The raven-haired teenager froze for the second time.
"Why? Why would you--waste your time on me?"
"Perhaps the same reason Draco does? When I look at you Harry...I don't see a betrayer. A Death Eater. A bad person. I see you. Just you. Just Harry."
Tears streamed down Harry's cheeks. He wasn't sure if what Remus was saying made him feel better or worse. It's what he wanted everyone to see; but it was too late now. He had let everyone down.
"How can you? How can you even look at me? If Draco hadn't been there, I could've killed you! You wouldn't died by my wand!"
Remus flinched, but remained calm.
"Harry...I used to hold you when you were a baby. Your parents were my best friends; they were the only people, along with Sirius, who trully cared about me. Sure, Sirius doted upon you all the time; and sure, Sirius got the title Godfather--but don't think I wasn't there to change your diaper, or read you a bedtime story. It might not seem like it now, after everything, but I...was part of the family. Now tell me--how could I abandon you that easily? How could I ever abandon you?"
Harry stared at the man before him, and all he could do was cry more tears. What Remus was saying was true; and he had never even thought about his fathers other best friend. It had always been Sirius; his guilt for getting him killed so easily overtook his mind, pushed everyone else away. He wasn't blaming this on Sirius, but it was true that his guilt and sorrow of losing his beloved Godfather had led him to a lot of the thinking he had done. A tear slid down Remus' cheek and Harry felt like the worst person on Earth. Lowest of the low couldn't even describe him. He felt selfish; so very selfish.
"I'm sorry, Remus." Harry said, in barely a whisper, but Remus heard him. "I'm so sorry. I--I am such an idiot I just...Sirius--"
"Sirius loved you, Harry. He loved you so much. I told you, hundreds of times, you are not to blame for his death. Sirius wanted to come; he led himself to his own death. Him and Bellatrix. And don't you dare say otherwise!"
"I had visions...of Sirius, you know. They would yell at me; scream at me, to stop. But I was too far in; I had drowned myself in all of it. I--"
Harry was interrupted by Draco shifting in his sleep. Remus looked at the sleeping boy, a mixture of emotions in his eyes.
"He saved you, you know? Draco saved you."
Harry looked down at Draco, deep in thought. He didn't answer Remus. He didn't know how to.
"I should go. You need to rest." Remus finally whispered, getting up from the chair. Harry's arm shot out and grabbed the arm Remus had pressed against the bed to help himself up.
"Remus...what's going to happen? To me...tomorrow?"
It was at that moment that Remus realized just how naive and just how young Harry still was. He shouldn't have been going through any of this.
"I--I really don't know, Harry."
Just a while back, Harry had desperately wanted to run away and escape the fate of Azkaban. Now, however, after his conversation with Remus, that was all he wanted. Needed. A life imprisonment in the worse prison of all. That was all he deserved.
He voiced his opinion to the older man before him.
Remus pulled the arm Harry was clutching roughly towards him, bringing a startled Harry with him. He hugged Harry, his arms pulled tight around the silently crying teenager.
"Nobody deserves Azkaban, Harry." He released Harry and made his way towards the gap in the curtains. He paused before leaving, and whispered; "Especially you."
He left after that, leaving Harry staring at the empty chair he had just occupied. He then looked at Draco.
He knew the feelings; the thoughts; that were running through his mind.
"I deserve it more than anyone else in this world." He whispered to nobody in particular, and closed his eyes.
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The next day, Harry was awoken by voices. He opened his eyes to find Draco gone, and a larger gap in the curtain than the night before. Harry's first thought was that they had taken Draco away from him; then that Draco had left him voluntarily; then that Draco really had tricked him like he thought yesterday. It was only after all these thoughts crossed his mind that Harry realized one of the voices in the background belonged to Draco Malfoy. He strained his ears to hear who the second voice belonged to, and was shocked to find that it was Remus. The two were talking quietly, but Harry could hear their every word.
"So you think..." Draco started, and he sounded worried.
"Nothing's certain, Mr. Malfoy. I have only just come from the Headmasters office, and there are mixed feelings up there. Some are choosing and trying to see past the betrayal, but some Order members will have nothing of it. We are quite lucky that the Ministry hasn't caught wind of this...situation...yet. It would have been worse if Aurors had showed up."
"What about the Order members that are Aurors?"
"Well..." Remus started, but words failed him. This time he was the one that sounded nervous. All Harry could do was sit and listen, frozen in... he wasn't quite sure what emotion he was feeling. It was all too new for him.
"What about Dumbledore? What is he saying?"
"Nothing much. He just sits and listens to all the arguing around him. I haven't seen him like this since I told him the true story of Peter's betrayal--well, you wouldn't know what I'm talking--"
"I know. Harry told me."
If Harry had still been paying attention, he would have thought about what exact look Remus was giving Draco at that information, but his heart had sank at Remus' words.
He was like Peter. Wormtail. That filthy rat that had betrayed his parents. Sirius. Remus. His family.
Harry wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to...die. Just disappear. Any feelings of happiness were now gone. How could he have been happy to be alive? He had betrayed everyone.
'Well, isn't this what you wanted?' came Sirius' voice in his head, and tears began to fall. It just had to be Sirius. 'Now you've managed everything, haven't you Harry? You betrayed the people that you were too blind to see cared for you, you betrayed your own comrades, you killed your own master and you went against everything you used to believe in. You betrayed yourself.'
'Stop it!' Harry wanted to scream, but he couldn't stop the voice of his dead godfather. The voice that spoke the truth. The truth he wanted nothing to do with. The truth he wanted to deny so badly, but couldn't find it himself to actually do so. He knew Sirius--or whoever--was right.
"What will happen to him if they don't?" came a question from Draco, snapping Harry out of his thoughts. Harry could only guess what he was talking about.
Silence from Remus seemed like a bad answer.
"He can't go to Azkaban!" Draco exclaimed, and Harry heard Remus sigh. "I don't want him to go to Azakaban!"
"Neither do I, Mr. Malfoy--but it's not really up to us, is it? We could only hope for the best."
"Hoping for the best never works."
Harry zoned out again. Draco was right; hoping never worked. Hoping always led to doom. His doom.
'This is all your fault.' came Sirius' voice, and Harry covered his ears. 'Stop talking. Please stop talking.' he pleaded with the voice, but to no avail. It just got worse. 'You don't even deserve to have Remus and Draco on your side. You don't deserve anybody after what you've done. You deserve to go to Azkaban. Forever. It would have been better for you to just commit suicide and not bother betraying everyone like this.'
Something; some little spark of hope left inside Harry told him that Sirius would never say this to him, but the Sirius in his mind pressed on. It was like Harry had created his own Sirius. 'So who was it worse betraying? Them or us? James, Lily and I? Maybe Remus too? You know that they know. They know that they died to save you just to create what you've become; a thoughtless, selfish monster.'
Harry pressed his hands against his ears harder, shaking his head and closing his eyes painfully.
"No..." he whispered, tears leaking through his closed eyes. "No. I didn't, I'm--"
'You are a monster. Just face it; you wanted fame. You wanted them to remember you forever; that was why they angered them. You knew they would be happy you killed the Dark Lord, but forget about you in due time. You wanted eternal fame. You wanted people to love you. Well, let's face it Harry--nobody loves you now.'
"Stop it...please..." Harry continued whispering, turning over so that his face was buried in his pillow.
'Not even me.'
"SHUT UP, SIRIUS!" Harry yelled into the pillow, and the conversation outside his curtains stopped immediately. Remus and Draco came rushing in to find Harry covering his ears, lying face-down. "You don't mean that...you don't mean that..." Harry was repeating as Draco tried to turn him onto his back. Tears were pouring down his face, his eyes still closed.
"Harry..." Draco whispered, touching Harry's face lightly. Harry flinched, but didn't pull away from the hand. "Calm down; it was only a dream..."
"No." Harry muttered, still keeping his eyes squeezed shut. "It wasn't a dream. I was awake. He was talking to me. His voice. He was--" He swallowed and stopped talking.
"Harry, Sirius is--"
"I know! I know he's dead! And it's my fault! Everything's my fault! I'm a thoughtless, selfish monster!"
"I-- no you're not, Harry. Where on Earth did you get that?"
"That's what Sirius called me." Harry whispered, finally opening his eyes. Remus almost took a step back after seeing Harry's eyes. They were such a dark green that they almost looked black and resembled a growing hurricane. A hurricane of pain, fear, and sorrow. So much sorrow.
"Sirius would never call you that, Harry. Never. Whatever--or whoever--was talking to you was not Sirius. Just calm down. Whatever he told you was not true."
"Of course it was true. It was all true. I betrayed the world; I was--am--selfish."
"You killed Voldemort, Harry. You betrayed no one but your own Master. It was what everyone expected."
"What? Me behind a Death Eaters mask?"
"No. You killing Voldemort."
"It was for a selfish reason!"
"Oh, I'm a 'selfish reason' now, am I!" Draco exclaimed, bringing himself into the conversation. His eyes flashed. "It wasn't because you actually wanted me alive? What am I here for, a few good snogs before you leave me?"
"Draco." Harry said simply, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "It was never about that."
"I--" Draco started, but was interrupted when there was a sound of a door opening and closing. Remus and Draco looked up, but Harry averted his gaze to the white ceiling. There was the sound of a throat clearing, and Harry knew.
Remus' and Draco's eyes were met by the sight of Albus Dumbledore, standing by the gap in the curtains.
"Ah! Good morning Remus; Mr. Malfoy." He paused, then averted his eyes to the young man lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling; tear stains visible on his face. "Mr. Potter." He continued, in a lower voice. Harry straightened himself up, obviously shocked at the greeting, but stayed silent.
Dumbledore cleared his throat again.
"Remus, would you mind taking young Draco for some food? I'm sure he hasn't eaten in a while. I'd like to have a short chat with Mr. Potter here."
"I--" Draco started, but Remus shot him a look and began walking towards the gap in the curtains. Draco, shooting a worried glance at Harry, slowly followed Remus. He stared at Dumbledore as he passed him, and Dumbledore shook his head.
Confused, Draco followed Remus out of the Hospital Wing.
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"How are you feeling, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked, slowly lowering himself into the chair next to Harry's bed. The boy flinched at the question, and if Dumbledore noticed, he didn't show it. He continued to stare at the young boy, his face blank.
"Are you here to confront me or throw me straight into Azkaban?" Harry finally said, breaking the silence. Dumbledore continued to show no emotion.
"What made you think I'd do any of those two things?"
Harry's mouth almost dropped open in shock. Almost.
"I--"
"You think that I would just throw you into prison without even asking for a good explanation of why you did what you did; and why you felt you needed to?" Dumbledore continued, calmly. So calmly it was kind of scaring Harry. There was absolutely no reason for the old man to be calm.
"But the Ministry..Fudge--"
"Knows nothing."
"But...why?"
"The Order--" he paused, shaking his head slightly, "some of us agree that the Ministry need not know about this until we've heard something from you, Mr. Potter."
Harry hated how the Headmaster said Mr. Potter.
"But, w--"
"I'd have thought you were capable of saying more than 'why', Mr. Potter."
Harry closed his mouth.
"Well, would you care to explain?"
Harry flinched. His excuse for becoming a Death Eater had seemed perfect before; so right. Yet now, it sounded stupid; childish. It was almost embarrassing. While some parts of him still believed he had done the right thing; he felt ashamed in front of Dumbledore. Harry hadn't felt ashamed in a very long time.
"It...started after Sirius died." Harry began slowly, his voice a mere whisper. He stared at the white sheets covering him, not wanting to meet the Headmaster's eyes. He wasn't sure what he would find in them. Hate? Betrayal? Harry gulped. Disappointment? "I kept getting letters from everyone--the Order, Remus, Ron and Hermione--all asking how I was doing, and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Shouldn't feel bad. Should move on. Nobody understood how I was feeling; nobody understood how--well, it doesn't matter. I told myself that they were only doing that because they didn't want me to...do something stupid. To stay alive...to save them. Not to stay alive just so they could see me again. But to save all of them from Voldemort. They knew I was the only one that could."
"So you became a Death Eater because...people cared for you?"
Harry's head shot up sharply.
"I became a Death Eater so I could prove to everyone that I was not just some...pawn!" Harry snapped, glaring at the Headmaster, who just shook his head. "I became a Death Eater because I wanted to live; I wanted to show them--you--that I would not let all of you get to me! I wouldn't let you lead me to suicide!"
"Mr--Harry--you were never a pawn, as you said. There are lots of people who actually care about you. Look at Remus...Draco--"
"No. Don't you--don't bring Draco into this. He was not one of the ones that sent me those fake letters...that told me to bury my sorrows and just be strong and brave like the little hero I was supposed to be."
"Well, then...my apologies."
Harry just nodded. Sirius had started talking in his mind again.
"And what now?"
"I--what?" Harry started, trying to push Sirius' voice out of his mind. Trying to push everything out of his mind.
"Well, you killed Voldemort. Your own...Master. Am I right in saying that wasn't exactly planned?"
Harry hung his head.
"What...do you feel now? Do you still feel like you were right?"
"Right?"
"In joining Voldemort, Harry. In joining the Dark. Do you still feel like you did the right thing?"
Harry stayed silent. He was thinking. Thousands of thoughts and images ran through his head.
Cutting. Tears. Darkness. Meetings. Red eyes. Lucius. Macnair. Dungeons. Draco.
Wormtail. Bellatrix. Sirius. The veil. Ron. Hermione. Remus. The Order. Voldemort smiling.
Letters. Fakes. The Dark Mark. Secrets. Lies. Betrayal. Love. Lust. A green light.
Draco.
Sirius.
"I love you..."
"Yes."
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Thanks for reading. Please review?