Here it is, my lovelies. Chapter 20. And it's LONG & wordy. So stick with me here--and hopefully you don't get bored and ditch it:) And also, hopefully you understand what happened in the last chapter after this, lol.

Enjoy!

I Don't Want To Feel

Chapter Twenty

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All those things you couldn't say, you should have said. All those 'I love you's' lost.

--

"What has he done?!" Harry exclaimed, a worried expression suddenly on his face. His mind began to depict horrid images; all ending in Draco's death and the familiar sight of the graveyard in his dream. Remus stared gravely back at him, shaking his head slightly.

"It's not what you're thinking, Harry." Remus muttered, and Harry collapsed in the chair across from his desk. "But he has had a lot of thinking time, you know that, right?" Harry opened his mouth to say something, but Remus pressed on. "He's very bitter about the whole situation, as I'm sure you can imagine. He tries not to show it, of course, but he was and still is very distressed and quite sad with your... abrupt...departure."

"I need to talk to him!" Harry exclaimed, starting to get up, but Remus held a hand up to stop him from getting any farther.

"Harry, it is 3 o'clock in the morning, and you stampeding through the halls to find Draco does not seem like a good idea right now. Besides, how would he feel if you randomly just appeared before him?"

Harry sank back onto the chair. "He'd probably pull his wand out and kill me on the spot." Remus, not expecting that answer, furrowed his brow. Harry's gaze dropped to the floor, and his long bangs covered his emotion-filled eyes.

"What happened between you two?"

There was a long silence, so long that Remus was about to give up on getting an answer. It was then that Harry spoke.

"You mean when I left, or when we first saw each other?"

"Everything."

"There's too much to name; too much to tell."

"We've got a couple of hours till you can barge into his rooms." Remus said lightly, trying to lighten up the mood. He received a small glare from Harry, but he could tell the young man was not offended. Remus was probably right about Harry's wanted actions.

"Well, Voldemort had him prisoner. I was told to guard him." Harry started, but stopped, and swallowed. "Do I have to talk about this?"

Remus just gave him a look.

"Er...days turned into weeks, so on, we began talking, and I found myself drawn to him; like he was the only one that really understood me. I hated myself for it, of course, but I found myself falling--" He swallowed again, his eyes still locked on the ground. "I found myself..." He looked up at Remus, who was watching him intently. "Falling in love with him." Harry looked down at the ground again. "It was so wrong, yet felt so right. I hated myself for it; I just wanted to die for feeling that way. I had tried so hard to push away any feelings whatsoever, and here I was feeling the one I resented the most. The one I tried to throw away when... Sirius...died."

Remus made a quick motion as if to reach for Harry, but ended up running a hand through his hair. He watched the boy in front of him; the boy he swore he would protect from anything after Sirius had died, and he felt like his heart was being wrenched right out of his chest. He looked lost; broken. Remus wished he could just take him in his arms and tell him that everything would be alright. That he would help him. But he wasn't sure if it would, and if he could. He wasn't even sure if Harry wanted him to.

"I left him, that day. When I disappeared. I said some horrible things, and I left him. Just walked away. As if I didn't care at all."

"But do you?"

Silence.

"I do." Harry whispered, and lifted his head to look into Remus' eyes. "But that doesn't really matter anymore, does it? He couldn't give a shit anymore. I left him, and it's over. He thinks I'm the same selfish Death Eater he met in the dungeon weeks ago. The one that knew that and watched Lucius torture his son, but left with him a couple of weeks later, after saving his life. Am I even making sense?"

"You went with Lucius?"

Harry froze.

"You didn't hear that. Not from me, not from anyone. You understand that?" Harry growled, placing a hand on Remus' desk. Remus backed away slightly, watching in wonder as Harry's personality changed by the second. Soon, his expression softened and he frowned. "I'm sorry. It's just--I've had an interesting few days. Lucius, he--it doesn't matter. None of that matters anymore. It's over."

"Harry--"

"Over."

Remus cleared his throat, and decided to leave the subject alone. There was a tone of finality in Harry's voice, and he was sure he wouldn't be able to get anything else out of the boy. "Anyway."

"The end of this story is obvious, isn't it? All I ever want to do is run away; yet I always come running back. There were Death Eater days when I wanted to do the same; just run to you or Dumbledore and confess everything; but how could I? How can I? It's just too...terrible. Horrible. Unthinkable. Eventually, I fell so deep into it, that all my feelings became numb. I didn't know what I was feeling anymore; what I wanted to do. This was exactly how I felt when I killed Voldemort. My own master. I was blinded by love; all my other thoughts and feelings were repressed by that stupid, damned emotion." He took a deep breath, and continued. "But after I had done it; numbness came back--along with regret. It's always regret. And what did I do? I ran again; ran at the best opportunity that came. But you know what? This time, I'm happy I did. I've learned a lot these past days; a lot. So many new revelations, so many new stories and thoughts; but you know what, after all this time, there is one thing I still knew and still know."

"And what would that be?"

"That all along, all this time, I have loved him with all my heart."

Unnoticed to both the men in the office, the door had quietly opened at the last sentence, and the two early morning visitors had heard the entire thing. When Remus' mouth dropped open, and an exclamation of 'Potter!' rang out, Harry slowly turned in fear. He knew that voice.

It was the second visitor that caused Harry's heart to feel like it had plumeted into his stomach. There, staring at him, his face blank, but shock and confusion clear in his eyes, stood Draco Malfoy.

"Potter!" Severus Snape had exclaimed, his eyes wide. Remus shifted uneasily in his chair, and Harry's eyes locked with the eyes of the young man he loved with all his heart. He averted his gaze to the floor, however, when the grey eyes left his to look at the shocked Potions master.

"Ah, Severus. Draco. Err.. what brings you here at this time of ni--morning?" Remus asked faintly, receiving a glare from Snape, who shut the door behind him quickly.

"I should be asking you the same thing, Remus."

"I--well...Harry here, er, decided to pay me a visit."

"Indeed."

There was a short silence.

"Draco." Harry whispered, standing up from his seat in front of Remus' desk. The blonde stepped back slightly, only to be met with the closed door behind him. "I--"

"You have nothing to say to him, Potter. Your words don't mean anything. Lupin--I found Mr. Malfoy in the hall, he was very urgent about getting here to see you. Please don't tell me this is why?" Draco shook his head roughly, his eyes now on the floor. Harry stared at the blonde, who looked so lost and so innocent. He also looked tired; very tired.

"Draco, please--"

"He's here for your precious Lupin, not you, Potter."

"Let him speak for himself!" Harry exclaimed, taking a step towards Snape and Draco. Snape's eyes narrowed in anger, and he reached out and grabbed Harry's shoulder.

"I wouldn't speak like that to me, Potter. Not if you treasure your life, Death Eater."

"I am not a Death Eater."

"So they all say."

"Oh, and what about you, Snivelly?! I saw you at those meetings; I watched you."

"Harry..." Remus muttered, most probably at the use of the nickname that angered Snape so very much.

"No need to protect the boy, Lupin. He'll just dispose of you once he has what he wants."

"Right, that's why I risk my life coming back to Hogwarts, right?"

"Yes, you always were quite stupid." Snape snapped, and Harry just rolled his eyes at him and turned his attention back to Draco.

"I just wanted to speak to Draco."

"What makes you think--"

"Professor...please, let him speak."

"Mr. Malfoy! You are going to let this.. this.. vermin speak to you after all he has done?!"

"Vermin! Speak for yourself! You don't know half of it!"

"I couldn't care less about any of your little feelings, Potter. They're all lies, anyway."

"They are NOT lies." Harry ground out, looking frantically at Draco now, as if to check if the boy was believing what the over-grown bat was saying. "Draco--please--do not listen to him. Just, give me a chance. Listen to me. I'll tell you everything, I promise. Everything. What happened, what's happening, what I meant and what I feel. What I've always felt."

"Dumbledore would just LOVE to see you right now, Potter. From what I've heard, there's a nice little cell waiting for you in Azkaban. Ironic, isn't it? Like godfather, like godson. Both will die as traitors."

He had gone too far. There was a sound like an explosion, and Severus Snape was thrown off his feet and onto the ground. It gave Harry an eerie feeling of deja vu. Both he and Remus had sent a curse at Snape; and when Harry turned to Draco one more time, he was shocked to find Draco's wand pointed at Snape as well.

"Why did you do that?" Harry questioned Draco, who was staring down at the potions master.

"I'm not quite sure." Draco muttered, not meeting Harry's eyes. There was a long silence, one that was ended by Remus clearing his throat.

"Err.. I'm going to...retire to my bedroom now. I--Harry, you know where I am." Remus murmured awkwardly, as he walked passed the two boys, stepped over Snape and left the office. The two teenagers stood awkwardly for a few more minutes, until Harry finally summoned up the courage to speak.

"Draco. Please. Let me talk to you."

"You're talking right now." The blonde whispered, his eyes still firmly planted on the ground.

"But are you really listening?" Harry questioned, his eyes clouding over. Oh shit, no! came a voice in his head, and he tried with all his willpower not to let the tears fall from his eyes.

"I always listened." Draco replied, his eyes finally leaving the floor, and meeting Harry's. "The question here is, did you ever talk?"

The tears he had been trying to hold back began to slide down his cheeks, and Harry frantically tried to wipe them away.

"You see, there you go again, trying to cover up your emotions; trying to hide your feelings. You can't stand to show weakness, can you, Harry? You don't even need to answer that; because I know the answer. Of course you can't--why do you think you keep running away from every tough situation you find yourself in?"

"That's just it, Draco. That's all I've been thinking about. That's all I've come to realize. Yes, I hate showing emotions; yes, I consider it a weakness; but I shouldn't. But I can't help it. It's what I've taught myself to believe."

"Harry--you're looking at your own reflection. I grew up believing every single once of those things. But that's the thing, I grew up. I realized. You, you did just the opposite. You went against all your beliefs; you ran to the only thing you had left. Numbness. Loneliness. The dark. You thought no one understood you, yet, you just hadn't tried hard enough to find someone who did."

"Yes. I know that now. I know a lot now. I understand a lot now. You heard what I said when you came in, didn't you? You know what the situation is."

"Situation? Harry, this isn't a 'situation'. This isn't a problem, a bother or anything you might portray it as."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"I'm sorry for everything."

"Don't apologize."

"How can you say that? After everything I've done? After just leaving you in those dungeons, then leaving you again?"

"You had no choice but to leave me in those dungeons..."

"I could have easily gotten you out."

"And risked getting caught, and killed? Why would you do that?"

"Draco, don't you understand? I would die for you. You once told me nobody would die for you, but here I am. I'm telling you--if I had to die this minute, if it meant you would survive or.. be happy...I would."

Tears continued to pour from Harry's eyes, thoughts of weakness long forgotten. Draco's eyes were now clouding as well, and he took one step closer to Harry.

"I'd do anything."

"No need to tell me that Harry, I already know. You killed Voldemort, didn't you? You killed him to protect me."

"Did I?" Harry cried, wiping his tears away. "I'm not even sure anymore! Or did I do it, subconsciously, to escape? Like I always do. I always need to run when something is going wrong. I felt love; and that was wrong. It was all wrong. I had to do something, didn't I?"

"How is any of this wrong?"

"I--I don't KNOW. I don't know anything."

"Harry, you don't need to know anything to--"

"All I know is that when I picture your face, my heart skips a beat. And when I think of your hands in mine, I feel like crying. All I know is that when I saw you standing in that doorway, hearing my words, all I wanted to do was run up to you and--and...I don't love you, Draco."

Draco stared in shock at Harry at his last words, expecting something completely different. He had almost been ready to throw his arms around the boy and forget everything else. Draco was so lost in his own thoughts, that he hadn't heard anything else Harry had said.

"That's it? You say all that stuff, and then tell me that you DON'T love me?! You're more cruel-hearted than I thought!"

"I--Draco. Draco. Calm down. You didn't hear me. I said I don't love you, I adore you. Everything that's greater than love--that's what I feel for you. It's a love that can't even be expressed in words. I can't live without you."

"I--" Draco started, his eyes cast down at the floor in shame.

"Draco, what will it take for me to prove to you that I love you? That I want you back and will never let you go?"

"You don't have to prove anything to me, Harry. I can see it all already. I've seen it all already."

"No, Draco! That wasn't me...I know that now. It was all just--like a dream, not even real. I--please. Give me a chance. Let me prove it to you; I'll do anything."

"Harry, " Draco started gently, taking another step towards the distressed young man. "just talk to me."

Harry froze, his brow furrowed.

"Just explain to me why... why...you had to leave. I just want to understand; I just want to know if you meant it. If you mean all of it."

"Of course I--"

"Talk."

"I don't know what to say. Where to start."

"Just say what feels right. And start where it all began."

"I loved you from the moment I realized that you weren't just another anybody; you were somebody. If that makes any sense. I haven't really made sense in a long time. And I hated myself for it; I felt like I was violating every single thing I believed in, every single thing I had taught myself to believe in. I couldn't love...I was a Death Eater. But I did; I loved you all the time. From the first hour of the day when I woke up, to the last; I would go to bed wishing and willing myself to wake up with only hate for you, but it never happened. When I killed Voldemort; I don't know what it was. But even if it wasn't entirely about you--know that it was you that led me to do it. Maybe seeing you like that made some other feelings come out, I don't know. But I saved you, and more importantly--you saved me. That day. Of course, the regret came back, and there I was, looking for another way to escape. That night when we talked--when I walked. Your words haunted me up till this day. 'I thought you had changed' you told me; and I admit--I thought I had too. But I've realised now, Draco...I never really changed. It's always been me; just with thousands of layers of emotions and questions that needed to be let out. Someone came for me that night; no names needed. All you need to know is that this person saved my life. Not in any major heroic way, but in small way; with words. I've realised how much words can affect something. Although not many words were shared. Small words are all you need. I used to not believe this; the three words 'I love you' always seemed so pathetic, so meaningless...but those three words are the hardest three to say. Those three words were words he never got to say. And he's lost all opportunities to do so now. And you know what? When I realised this, it scared me. It really did. It made me think about you...and me...and what would happen if I never had the opportunity to say those words to you again; and completely mean them. I had dreams--nightmares--that I didn't understand...they repeated every night until I finally understood what they were showing to me. They were showing exactly that. I kept seeing myself at your grave...Ai--this boy who looked like you crying over your grave, and I wondered why I was seeing this. I get it now--it was telling me that I had one more chance, and I needed to take it right away. I love you, Draco Malfoy; and I always will."

There was a short silence as the words sank in, and tears were slowly sliding down Draco's cheek.

"Please, Draco. You might not feel the same way now...but will you at least give it a try? Give me a chance?"

"Oh, Harry. I never stopped loving you. And I never will." Draco whispered, and took one more step towards Harry, so that they were only a few centimeters apart. "I've missed you." He added quietly, and buried his face in Harry's shoulder as the boy through his arms around him, weeping onto his shoulder.

I'm sad. This is the last chapter; next comes the epilogue, and then... (sobs)... this story will be done. I really can't believe it. Anyway, thank you to all the people that reviewed--you're my favourites--and also to all those people who have put me on their favourite lists / story alerts. I appreciate it. Hey, to all those people, too--please review? You don't even need to tell me what you thought... just say hey, or something. I'll answer :) lol. I just wanna hear from people; I really do appreciate it. I love you guys just for reading this!

Anyway, I hope this chapter was to your liking.. and hopefully it wasn't too long. Please review, tell me what you think, and hopefully I can get the next chapter up soon! Take care. xx