Title: "Fell in Love with a Girl"

Author: Lila

Rating: PG-13

Character/Pairing: Sam, Dean/OFC

Spoiler: "Provenance

Length: Part III (a)o IV

Summary: When Dean falls in love, Sam gets a life.

Disclaimer: I own only Lily. If you'd like to borrow her, let me know and we'll negotiate.

Author's Note: So, thoughts. I just started grad school and have a couple days before things really get crazy and I won't have time to do more than study and torture myself for taking on this program in the first place, so if the updates are slow, don't worry. I will finish this story, but it might take a little longer than anticipated. Also, this chapter was supposed to be one part, but it's getting away from itself and I'm breaking it into two sections. There's a specific theme to each part and it can't be its own chapter, so there will now be five total parts with Part III A and Part III B. After that long-winded note, thank you so much for the wonderful responses to this story. I'm having a blast writing it and I'm glad to see others are liking it as well. So just go with it and enjoy!

---

"Can't keep away from the girl…"

The first month without Lily is one of the hardest of your life, almost as hard as when you lost Jess. There's a big, gaping hole where living used to be, not for you so much, although you miss her too, but for your brother. Dean drinks, almost constantly, and plays too much poker and hustles too much pool, but at the end of the night he always returns to your motel room, reeking of beer and smoke and pain. After Cassie, it was a different girl every night – or at least an attempt at one – but he's barely looked at anyone twice since he left Lily behind in the dust. You try to talk to him about it, because if anyone knows anything about losing someone, it's yours truly, but he isn't interested.

"I'm fine, Sammy" he insists when you confront him at a gas station outside Omaha. "Stop pestering me, okay?"

There are enormous circles under his eyes and he isn't sleeping well. You're not either, but you're used to the nightmares. He isn't used to losing someone he cares about. "Dean, why don't you just call her? Check in, make sure she's okay. You'll feel better, and you'll stop annoying me so much."

He socks your shoulder in an annoyed brother sort of way, but there's something else in his eyes, some thing pained and regretful. "Oh, for the love of god," you say and stare at the hose pumping gas into your tank. "You don't have her number."

Dean looks away, does that avoidance thing he's perfected for moments when he doesn't want to answer a question. "There's this movie she loves, Before Sunrise?" He sticks his hands in his pockets and his chin rises at a stubborn angle, like he's trying to justify this plan of Lily's. "She told me it's about this guy and a girl and they meet and fall – they meet and spend the night getting to know each other, but they never exchange numbers. They just have faith they'll see each other again. She thought we could do that too."

You can't believe the person standing in front of you is really your brother, and you don't tell him that in the film's sequel you learn it took Jesse and Celine nine years to reunite, and even then you're never totally sure that they work it out. "Are you serious?" you ask. "When did you turn into such a romantic?"

He glares at you and digs his hands deeper into his pockets. "If you're gonna have faith, you can't just have it when miracles happen. Lily told me to have faith, and I'm trying."

You lay a hand on his forehead and check his temperature, peer into his eyes. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

He pushes you away and scowls. "Stop it, okay. I know it was a dumb idea, but it was Lily wanted." A ghost of a smile passes over his face. "And what Lily wants, Lily gets."

The pump turns off with a sharp click and you pull out the credit card that doesn't bear your name and return the lid to the gas tank. "Dean," you say and he tries his best to keep his expression neutral, keep the pain away. "She shouldn't be too hard to track down. I mean, how many Lily Darlings can there be in rural Maryland?"

His expression darkens, and he looks at you critically. "Why are you pushing this so hard, Sammy? Why's it so important to you that we find Lily?"

You're without words. You want to, but you can't tell your brother why you want his sort-of-girlfriend back, that you sleep better when she's around and she makes you feel warm and safe and whole. You can't tell him that you need her as much as he does. So you give him the bare bones version, part of the truth, but not close to the whole thing. "I just want you to be happy, Dean," you say softly. "One of us should be happy."

He forces a smile and throws a loose arm around your shoulders. "I have the car, my kid brother, a chance to kill this thing that ruined our lives." His smile grows broader when he lets you go and slips into the driver's seat. "We'll be okay with her."

He turns the Impala out of the gas station and onto the highway and Zepplin blares from the radio, telling you that you're going to California. You know you'll be okay without Lily in your life – you've been without Jess for months and you're still breathing – you just think you'd like it a lot more if she were in it.

---

The knock comes a few minutes after midnight and Dean jumps with a start, checks the salt lines, tosses the shotgun in your direction, and the pistol cocking is the only sound in the room. You're not sure what you're expecting on the other side of the door. A demon? A lost pizza man? Meg? Maybe, if you're really lucky, your father remembering his sons are alive and needing him? You spent the last month wondering if you'd ever see Lily again, and you weren't expecting her to show up on your doorstep, but you're not entirely surprised when Dean throws open the door and she's standing there, a duffel bag hanging off each shoulder and an expectant expression on her face, like she came back to you, like she's come back to stay.

She looks different, the same, but different too. Her hair is a little shorter and it's pulled back off her face, and there's plumpness to her cheeks that was lacking before. But her eyes are the same, warm and bright and clever, and they still see right through you. You grip the end table to keep from toppling over at the sight of her.

She has a nervous smile on her face and her eyes take in the shotgun before zeroing in on Dean. Her voice is a little breathless when she speaks, "Dean, baby. Wanna put that down before someone gets hurt?"

He doesn't look at you as he wordless flicks on the safety and tosses the gun towards the bed behind him. He misses, and it angrily clatters to the floor. He doesn't glance back, doesn't check to see you're okay. He doesn't take his eyes off of her. "What are you doing here?" he manages to say and she cocks her head to take him in.

"I couldn't stay away."

The air is crackling around you and you're just a spectator but it's suddenly very hard to breathe. You open your mouth to excuse yourself, give them a moment of privacy, but before you can say a word Lily's bags are hitting the ground with a loud thump and she's literally throwing herself at Dean, arms locking around his head as his hands grip her hips, pulling her flush against him. His fingers are digging into her skin above the low-waist of her jeans and it has to hurt but she doesn't seem to mind because she's cradling the nape of his neck with one hand and cupping his jaw with the other and they're kissing each other so hard you're not sure how either of them is breathing.

And you really, really need to get out of the room, but they're blocking the door. "I'm just gonna – " you start and Dean responds by flipping her around, so her back slams against the wall so hard the cheaply framed pictures rattle and threaten to shatter, but the doorway is free and clear. "Yeah," you mumble under your breath as you head out into the night. "Looks like my cue to get lost."

Dean kicks the door shut behind you, but they keep the lights on in their rush to do what they need to do. You don't have anywhere to go. Everything you own, everyone you care about, is in that room, including the keys to the Impala. You can't even take a road trip of your own without Dean for company. You use some of the tricks your dad taught you and the car is old and barely holding itself together, so it doesn't take long to jimmy the lock and slip into the front seat. The leather is cool under your jeans and thin shirt, and you open the window to let the night air in. It's only June, but you're in the mountains in Colorado and it already feels like fall. You slide down to stretch your legs, but the seat is set for Dean, like everything else in your life, and you have to crank it back a few inches so you can fit in. The motel is in the middle of nowhere and you can see every star in the sky through the windshield, and it spreads inky and endless over the line of trees. You hold your breath because you know if you wait long enough you'll see a shooting star and you can make a wish and maybe change your life. You wait and wait until your lungs hurt to bursting but the star never comes. You tell yourself it's okay, because the only thing you want – really, really want – would be Jess coming back and even you know that's not possible. But you have Lily instead, and she's close enough. Even if she doesn't seem to notice you're alive. You close your eyes to wait it out because there's not much else you can do, not when Dean and Lily are holed up in that room and you're alone out here.

You don't know how long you've been out when you hear a knock and open your eyes to see Lily standing next to the driver side window wearing one of Dean's t-shirts and a pair of flip-flops, and holding a bag of peanut M&Ms. She holds them up and grins sheepishly. "I come bearing gifts." You look away, at the moon shining bright and white and hopeless. She pokes the M&Ms through the crack in the window and they drop into your lap. "It's a peace offering, Sam. Dean told me they're your favorite."

You sigh and shake your head, because it's just like your brother to pull something like this to get with a girl. "They're Dean's favorite."

You expect an apology, an offer to buy you something different, but Lily just shrugs her shoulders and climbs in the passenger seat to sit next to you. "Close enough."

"No, not close enough!" you exclaim, and you're shocked at how angry you are. The last few weeks have been a numb blur and it's good to let it all out. "I'm not my brother. You know that right?"

She's sitting next to you with Dean's shirt pulled down over her legs and her chin resting on her knees and she jerks her head up angrily. "Of course I know that, Sam! I'm not sleeping with you, am I?" She sighs, takes a deep breath, pushes a lock of tangled hair off her face. "What's bothering you, Sammy?" she asks and grabs the bag of candy out of your lap and tosses it onto the backseat. "I know it's not the M&Ms."

You turn your head and look back at the moon, at the clouds spilling across its face, but she grasps your chin between long fingers and makes you look at her. You know she already knows what's wrong but she'll make you say it anyway, make you face it. "Did you miss me at all, Lily?" you finally ask. "That entire time we were gone, was it all about Dean? Do you care that I'm here too?"

She smiles and you instantly feel better, and she reaches across the seat to take your hand in hers. "Just cause I didn't jump your bones the minute I saw you doesn't mean I didn't miss you. You're part of the package, Sam. I wouldn't want Dean if you weren't with him."

"Kinky, Lily," you laugh and the tension starts to seep out of the moment. "Dean might explode when he learns you're into threesomes."

She laughs with you and wrinkles her nose. "About a million kinds of ewww, Sammy," she jokes, but her tone becomes more serious when she continues. "You're not a third wheel. I missed you too."

"Yeah?"

"Hello!" she exclaims and swats you gently on the shoulder. "Dean's still waiting for the movie version of "The Davinci Code." Who else am I gonna talk to about things like that?"

You settle back in your seat, and enjoy being appreciated. It's been a long time since some has found something to like about you, just you. "So, he's not perfect after all."

She shifts to face you and looks deep in your eyes. "No one's perfect, Sammy. No one. Understand? It's not your fault. Some things are beyond anyone's control."

You always wonder how she knows exactly what you're thinking before you say anything to give it away, how she always knows the exact right thing to make you feel better. If your mother were alive, if you'd known Mary Winchester at all, you think she'd probably do the same thing. "Wanna go back inside, see what Dean's up to?" she says softly, and she's absently twisting the t-shirt around her fingers and from the look on her face, thinking about what went on in the motel room just a few minutes earlier.

You shake your head because you could stay forever in the Impala with the moonlight shimmering in her hair and her voice keeping you company. "Just another minute, okay?" She doesn't protest, but she's getting antsy in the passenger seat and stares insistently at the motel door.

Eventually, she decides to get the show on the road. "You know, I'm not wearing any underwear," she says and pushes open her door, sliding onto the pavement with the t-shirt sliding down her thighs.

Your head snaps up and you jump out of the car so fast you bang your knee on the open door. You stare at the seat you'll be sitting in come morning, and you groan loudly. "Oh, ewwwwwwww" you mimic her but she just laughs and teases up the hem of her shirt to reveal blindingly white cotton panties. She prances, literally prances, back towards the motel and you follow her, still shaking your head when the door opens and Dean pokes his head out to check up on you.

"Everything okay out here?" he asks and his eyes dart from Lily, to you, and back again. He's trying to look all serious and orderly, but it's tough when he's wearing only a pair of boxers and his feet are bare, his hair is sticking up in every possible direction, and he can't keep the smug, satisfied grin off his face. Lily turns into his chest and whispers something in his ear while his arm comes down to wrap around her waist, clinging low and possessive to the flesh under his t-shirt. He laughs at whatever she says, and it's his usual low growl, but there's a note of giddiness, happiness too. You can't look at them. You're happy for your brother, you really are, but it's hard to watch someone else so blissful when you're still mourning the love of your life.

They're standing in the doorway bathed in motel lighting, but there's a glow to them, both of them, that has nothing to do with the yellow cast from the florescent bulbs. "I'm gonna sleep in the car" you say and gesture for them to move out of your way. "Just let me get my stuff – "

Lily rolls her eyes and steps away from your brother, blocking the doorway. "You will do no such thing."

You look from Lily to your brother, and his face is expressionless, but she has a determined set to her jaw. "Lily, I don't mind. You just got here, and I'm sure you and Dean have a lot of catching up to do."

Everyone knows you're talking in code for banging each other's brains out, but she just rolls her eyes again and lets out an exasperated sigh. "Sam, you live here too. You are not sleeping in a freaking car because I decide to roll into town. Dean can keep his hands to himself for a few hours."

You're not sure your brother can keep things PG through the night, but he's not protesting her decision and you're not exactly looking forward to crashing on the Impala's backseat, so you decide to accept her offer. "Okay," you say. "Okay."

Lily's smile is what you always imagined your mother's would be after safely diffusing a fight between her sons. "Good. It's all settled then." She slips out from under Dean's arm and disappears into the motel room leaving you and your brother to talk things out in the parking lot.

"Dean," you say. "I really don't mind, but Lily insisted. If you want the room to yourself we can afford another one for the night – "

"No, it's okay," he interrupts and stretches his arms over his head and you notice the scratch marks on his biceps. His grin deepens and you realize your eyes have widened a bit. "It wouldn't hurt to sit out a few rounds." When he turns to join Lily in the room, you see similar marks on his back.

By the time you're done brushing your teeth Dean is fast asleep in his bed and Lily is primly reading a book with glasses perched on the end of her nose. She winks at you as she puts the book down and you glance at your brother, at the angry red welts peeking out from the sleeve of his t-shirt, and have trouble reconciling the two. You're still chuckling to yourself as you slip into your own bed and turn off your lamp. She turns off hers and you hear the rustle of sheets as she slides down beside your brother.

You slowly adjust to the lack of light and search her out in the darkness. She's curled up against Dean's chest and you can see the glint of his ring where you think her stomach should be. Her red hair glows in the light peeking through the curtains and it's like a halo around her forehead. "Lily," you whisper, because you don't want to wake your brother, and you don't want him to hear this conversation.

"Yeah?" she whispers back, but her voice is drowsy with sleep and she fidgets in the darkness, drawing deeper into the cradle of your brother's arms.

"I'm glad you're back. Really, really glad."

You can't see it, but you know she smiles that maternal smile. "I'm glad too. Now go to sleep. We have a long day ahead of us."

You close your eyes and the room is quiet, punctuated only by the sounds of your brother's and Lily's breathing. It's weird, three hearts beating instead of two, but you can't complain. Your brother is happy and Lily is back and she hasn't forgotten about you. You're a Winchester and expecting disaster at every turn, but for tonight, even if it's just tonight, all is right in your world.

---

The next morning you're up before either of them, and your dreams were blessedly nightmare free. You give the credit to Lily, who's still wrapped tightly in your brother's arms, his face buried in the curve of her neck. Her hair spills across the white pillow like a sunrise, and it gives you confidence to face the new day, the new life ahead of you. Maybe this morning you'll get a lucky break; maybe you'll find your dad; maybe you'll find that thing and have your life back.

You pick up breakfast and when you tiptoe back through the door Dean and Lily are awake and arguing. He wants her to leave for her own good, she's insisting on staying.

"Sam, weigh in here," she insists, and you want her to stay more than you want few things in your life, short of Jess coming back, but you're not getting involved. Dean looks at you expectantly, hoping you'll take his side, but you just put down the paper bags and start sorting through the food. It's not your decision to make. It's her choice, hers and Dean's.

"You know I want you to stay, but you can't," Dean insists. "This isn't a game, Lil," and you glance up from arranging the coffee cups because Dean's resorting to nicknames. His expression is strained and his jaw has to hurt from clenching so tight, and you know he's got it bad if he's calling her by a nickname and still sending her home. "We got lucky in Maryland, but there's no guarantee it will go down the same way next time."

This time she's pissed, and she storms over to the corner where she threw her bags and picks up one of the duffels. When she turns it over on the bed, a shotgun, box of rock salt, and a pair of silver candlesticks spill out. "I read up on my stuff, Dean. I'm aware of the risks, and I'm ready to fight." She digs around in the bag and pulls out the set of knives she used to play darts the night you met her. Before you can blink she rears back her arm and lets loose a knife that lands in the wall about an inch from Dean's head. "I'm serious about staying." She reaches around your temporarily paralyzed brother and pulls the knife out of the wall, leaving behind an ugly gash in the uglier wallpaper. "Now, can I stay and play?" Dean just nods absently and she pushes up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "I'm going to take a shower. When you're ready, come join me."

She disappears into the bathroom, dropping Dean's t-shirt on the way. "Dean," you say over the sound of running water. "Seriously, man. Marry that girl."

He manages another absent nod as he disappears behind the door in a billow of steam.

---

They spend what seems like an eternity in the shower and by the time they emerge, looking sated and spent, you've eaten breakfast and packed your things. By the number of towels they drop on the floor, and lack of steam following them into the bedroom, you put off your own shower until the next stop. Lily catches you examining her shotgun lying on the bed, and she drips water on the spread as she comes to stands beside you. "It was my dad's," she explains and runs a finger across the letters "DD" engraved in the wood. "His name was Daniel."

"Daniel Darling," you say. "What a name."

"Must have gotten his ass kicked big time growing up," Dean calls out from across the room. He's only half-dressed, bare chest still damp from the shower, and Lily's eyes linger on him for an extra second before turning back to you. Something burns in your gut when you catch their look, something you haven't felt since Jess.

"I was just grateful they didn't name me Wendy," she says, and you both stare at her blankly. "You never saw Peter Pan growing up? Hook?" Still no recognition from you or Dean. "Never mind," she sighs, but you can hear her mumble under her breath as she tugs a camisole over her head, "What rock did you boys grow up under?"

You ignore her words, because you're too distracted by the silky fabric she's dragging down over the skin of her stomach, and the dangerously low riding towel clinging to her hips. Her skin is pale, paler than Jess' ever was, even during the dead of winter, and other than the spattering over the bridge of her nose there isn't a freckle in sight. You suck in a breath at all that pale, soft skin, and sneak a peek at your brother, but he's too distracted by the show to notice your behavior. You pick up your bag and slip the strap over your shoulder. "I'll be in the car," you call out as you leave, but Dean doesn't notice and neither does Lily because they're too wrapped up in each other.

Twenty minutes later they're sharing heated, knowing looks when they slip into their respective seats in the Impala and Dean bitches at you while he adjusts the seat to fit his shorter legs. "You know what they say about long legs?" you joke, and Lily responds from her seat in back.

"Long fingers? Sam you really need some new material."

You gesture towards the radio and your brother and the Bad Religion song filling the car. "I've been trapped in a car with only him for company for the last seven months. Do you hear what we're listening to?"

Her entire face lights up and she digs into the oversized purse sitting on the seat next to her. "Oooh, that reminds me!" You will never understand women. You've spent your entire life, and the better part of the last year, battling every kind of ugly thing hell has sent your way, and for the life of you, you still don't understand why girls feel the need to carry a purse at all, let alone one that weighs as much as they do. Lily leans forward in her seat and pushes her torso between you and Dean. She's holding a mixed tape in either hand, and pushes one into the tape deck. "I brought provisions for the road." The song clicks on and you recognize the opening bars of "Thunder Road."

Dean finally looks up from fiddling with his seat and frowns. "Lil, you know the rules: driver chooses the music, passengers shut their – "

"Dean, if you want to get laid anytime in the next week, I wouldn't finish that sentence," she interrupts and leans back in her seat, a contented sigh escaping her lips. "Plus, no self-respecting road trip doesn't start with the Boss." She stretches her arms over her head and her t-shirt rides up to reveal a line of taunt, pale skin, and you look away before your mind goes places you can't handle. "This is so my jam, yo," she says and you and Dean exchange a look before bursting into hysterics, and you're grateful for the change in mood.

"You did not just say that," you laugh. "And you make fun of my humor?"

"It so is!" she exclaims and hums along to the song. "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night/You ain't a beauty, but hey you're all right. Yup, this is so my song."

You and Dean shake your heads in unison as he pulls out of the parking lot, Springsteen filling the space with hope and dreams and making it happen. "Lil?" Dean says when you're on the highway and the tape has move onto "Born to Run." "You know that song isn't about you, right?"

She looks up from gazing out the window and pushes her sunglasses up her forehead, so when she looks up she's meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror. "What do you mean?"

Dean sounds completely embarrassed as he continues, but sets his jaw and goes for it. "That line about Mary? It's not true. You're more than all right. You're the most beautiful girl in the world."

You can't help the gagging sound that comes out of your mouth, or that spear of jealousy when Lily's smile practically engulfs her face and her eyes gets suspiciously watery. "Aww, Dean," she croons. "You're not getting soft of on me, are you?"

His arrogant mask is back up, but he's still looking her straight in the eye and her smile takes a sultry turn. "Never, baby. Never."

"That's what I like to hear." She settles back in her seat but her eyes never leave the rearview mirror, even when Dean turns his to the road. They never once look at you.

---

You've forgotten what it's like to live with a girl. She sheds, everywhere, and when there aren't strands of red hair clogging the cheap motel drains, she leaves her stuff all over the place. For a girl who showed up with barely a duffle bag to her name, she has piles of crap covering every surface.

She wakes you up at five one morning and tosses a pair of running shoes on your bed. "Get up slow poke," she says and pinches your side through the thin sheet. "Time to get in shape!"

There's a light on in the room and she's standing next to you wearing a sport bra and spandex shorts and her hair is pulled into a high ponytail on the top of her head. She looks like a genie lost in jazzercise class, and when you tell her as much she slaps your hip and pushes at you to get out of bed.

You choose not to move, and she pulls the covers back and cool air slides over your naked back. You can feel the slight swell of her breasts as she tugs at your shoulders, and the warm stretch of her stomach pressing against your skin. You sigh, you can't help it, because it's been way too long since you've felt a woman naked against you. Her fingers are long and slim and she's cut the nails short since joining the Winchester crusade, and they feel good pulling at the muscles in your shoulders, massaging them in her quest to roll you out of bed.

"Dean, some help here?" she calls out and you feel your brother's gun worn hands where hers used to be, and you're in a sitting position before it sinks in that the moment is over.

"Up and at'm," he says and you're wide awake the second your sleep-clouded eyes realize your brother is standing next to you wearing running clothes and sneakers. "If I'm doing this, you are too."

Lily groans and dramatically falls next to you on the bed. "You'd think I chained you to a succubus! I just want my boys in good shape. Helps with the demon killin'."

"Now that's logic I can get behind," Dean says and you instantly feel guilty for looking at Lily as anything more than a friend because that's what she is, nothing more, nothing less.

The bed creaks when she springs up and bounds for the door. "Come on, Sammy, get with it. Last one to the trail buys breakfast!" You're amazed he can walk in anything but motorcycle boots, but sneakers and all, Dean is out the door before you can so much as swing your legs out of bed.

---

You're last, of course, but you beat Dean in the final sprint and Lily makes you split breakfast. You choose a greasy spoon within walking, not running, walking distance of the motel, and Lily looks queasy as she watches the crap Dean piles on his plate.

"What?" he asks through a bite of pancake as he dumps more syrup on the stack he hasn't touched yet. "You made me go running. I'm hungry." She just nods and stirs her coffee, bites into her omelet. "Oh, come on. You dump like ten sugars into your coffee and think you can criticize what I put in my mouth?"

She blushes a little, and spears a piece of potato. "I'm just saying, it defeats the purpose of exercising when you eat pure crap afterwards."

She looks to you for support, but you chomp on a piece of bacon and disagree. As usual, you're not getting involved in these discussions of theirs. "I'm with Dean, Lily. What you do to your coffee is disgusting."

"Men," she mumbles under her breath and turns back to her oversized mug.

"Baby, there's a reason they call them love handles," Dean interjects and smirks. "You'll love me even when I'm as big as a house."

You finally take interest in their bickering when she doesn't deny his accusation, just digs further into her breakfast while his smile widens. He kisses her cheek and she's stiff as a board at first, but loosens up when one of his hands slips underneath the table. You look out the window, try not to remember the first time you told Jess you loved her. She'd said it back, without a moment's hesitation, and you'd made love right then and there, on the floor of the kitchen she shared with three other girls, not caring that anyone could walk in on you at any given moment or how dirty the floor was.

It had been easy of course, because you'd known from the first moment when she'd smiled at you across that coffeehouse table, that she was the only girl for you. You watch your brother and Lily, his hand thankfully wrapped around her shoulders, drinking their coffee and looking through a local newspaper. You wonder what it was like the first time he said it to her, "I love you, Lily," and if she said it right back, or if she hesitated, wondered if there was more for her out there. She rests her head on Dean's shoulder and looks like him like he's the only person that matters to her in the whole world, the only person she has to live for, and you know it didn't go that way. She never hesitated at all.

---

Also, she nags. She nags constantly. Mostly about the toilet seat, but it's nagging all the same. You mumble about it to Dean, and he tells you there are bigger things to worry about.

"Sam, you lived with a girl," he says and goes back to cleaning the guns while Lily is out buying supplies. She'd walked, because he said he'd do most everything for her, but driving his car is off-limits. When she didn't protest, you know she has it as bad for him as he has it for her. He pauses for a moment, and you know he's gonna ask about Jess. "I mean, you lived with Jess, right? Aren't you used to this stuff by now?"

"Yeah," you say softly and wince, because you don't want to cheapen what you had with Jess, but it's still the truth. "But back then I was at least getting laid for the effort."

Dean looks at you, hard, and for a moment you wonder if he's picked up that weird ability of Lily's to see right through you, see what you're thinking when you're doing the best to hide it. "I'm not loaning her out if that's what you're thinking," he says and his tone is light, but the look in his eyes is dead serious.

"For pete's sake, Dean," you exclaim and pull the glock out of his hands before something really bad happens. "I'm not going after your girlfriend." You put your hands on your hips for emphasis, but inside your heart is beating a mile a minute. You don't want Lily, you really don't, because you like seeing your brother happy and you like having her in your life, but it doesn't mean you don't think about what might have been, if she'd decided to latch onto you instead.

The look in his eyes softens and a guilty smile plays across his mouth. "I know," he says softly. "It's just weird, this thing with Lily. We've known her what, a month? It feels like she's been with us forever."

This is safe territory, common ground. You sit next to him on the bed and he seems very small beside you, suddenly younger and unsure of himself. "Dean, you're just scared because she's good for you and she makes you happy." You pause, inwardly curse your father. "You're just not used to the feeling. Dad kind of raised us thinking the only way to be happy was to be as miserable as him."

"Are you happy?" he asks, and it's the first time since New York that you've talked about life after Jess. "Sam, you deserve to be happy too." You think of Lily, laughing in the car and singing along to the Springsteen that's in constant rotation, kissing your forehead every night to keep the nightmares away, teasing you mercilessly when she wanders around in a camisole and panties because she belongs to your brother and thinks you don't notice. But you do notice, you notice everything, even if they don't. You miss it, everything, everything you had with Jess and don't have anymore, everything Dean has.

"Yeah, I'm happy," you say, but it's a lie. When you close your eyes that night your forehead isn't the only thing that burns.

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