Thanks to all my lovely reviewers you are all great!I try and reply to the ones that ask questions or seem to need answering or just because i love you. xD. Please don't forget to review on your way out, thanks!
PixieGodess1, Prosthetic.ballerina, Shadow00 -who knows aboutHarry's sexuality? does he even know himself? lol. this is going to be a Harry/Draco fic of course but there might be some other ships in here as well along the way (i'e Harry/Ginny and Draco/Blaise) but they wont last long, i mean- how can they!!
Shadow00 - i don't think that i'm going to be adding any more chapters to 'Half Empty' 'cos i can'tthink of anywhere else to take it, also i'm abit caught up with work and one fanfic is enough for me at the moment!
Draco looked up from where he was talking to Blaise as the Great Hall went silent. A second later it erupted in whispering and giggling. Draco a girl in third year near to him say to her friend "Merlin he's beautiful, even when he's suicidal, unshaved and wearing that hideous T-shirt he's still sexy."
Harry Potter was standing in the entrance to the Hall, looking slightly shifty and nervous but determined. He was unshaved – Draco could see the stubble on his chin from where he was sitting – and his hair was even more of a mess than usual. He was wearing the square-rimmed glasses that he had begun wearing at the beginning of the year and he brought up a hand to push them further up his nose. As he did, the cuff of his horrible grey-green long sleeved T-shirt – how could he bear to wear it in the heat – slipped down a little to reveal a black wrist band covering the large welts that Draco knew must be there. He was wearing baggy black jeans that must be almost slipping off his hips they were so big on him. Oh bad thought, Draco blinked. Must not think about Potter's hips, or his stomach, or his thighs or his…maybe this wasn't such a bad thought after all. One corner of his mouth slipped up.
Potter looked in Draco's direction and their eyes connected and Draco felt his stomach clench. He concentrated on keeping his expression blank. Could you tell that someone had been thinking about you just by looking in their eyes?
"Harry! Harry!" Draco heard a high pitched voice calling from the Gryffindor table behind him and Draco felt something akin to disappointment as Potter's eyes were ripped away from his and he walked past the Slytherin table with his customary determined stride.
"Draco" Blaise whined from his left hand side, placing a hand on Draco's hip "You haven't been listening to a word I've been saying."
"Sorry, I was distracted by Lord Potty's entrance" Draco said airily turning back to his food, "What were you saying?"
Blaise's lip curled but he didn't move his hand from Draco's hip as he began talking about how they were going to beat the Gryffindors in the upcoming Quidditch match.
Harry sat down next to Ginny, feeling everybody's eyes on him. He clenched his fists to stop himself from turning around and retreating to the sanctuary of the infirmary and glared at the other tables. Ginny smiled shyly next to him and he stopped mid-glare, unsure of whether he was supposed to be comforting her or if he was expected to say something. His wavery smile seemed to do the trick as she turned back to her food looking happier than she had before. Ron passed him a basket of fresh rolls across the table and smiled at him.
"Good to see you back mate," he said around a mouthful of bacon, "You coming to lessons today?"
"Um, yeah" Harry nodded.
He was distracted all through his meal by people shooting him worried looks, as though he was about to crack at any moment and try to kill himself in front of them all at breakfast. By the end of the meal his mouth was sore from smiling reassuringly at so many people.
It would have to be wouldn't it, Harry thought as he walked along the dungeon corridors, my first lesson back and it just had to be Potions with Slytherin. Already he was mentally preparing himself for the sly jokes, the whispers, the open disgust and sneers.
Hermione squeezed his hand sympathetically as they entered the classroom and they headed to their usual seats at the back of the classroom, Harry purposely looking straight in front of him. As he walked, he noticed a shock of ice-blond hair in the corner of his eye and before he thought about it he had turned his head and his eyes met with the cool grey ones of Draco Malfoy.
He was leaning against the wall, his body angled out towards the classroom, his hair falling across his forehead. Zabini was sitting next to him, talking earnestly, but Malfoy was staring straight over his head at Harry. The brief eye contact only lasted a second and then Malfoy turned his cool gaze back to Zabini and Harry realised he had stopped in the middle of the aisle. He turned and strode up to his seat, sliding in between Dean and Ron just as Professor Snape entered the classroom.
"Potter. Don't unpack your things. You will not be sitting there today. Due to the amount of work you have missed, you will be sitting next to a more able student, one who is less likely to blow your cauldron up." Snape said as he crossed to his desk. He placed a tray of vials onto it and turned to face the class where Harry was hovering between desk and chair. "Zabini, swap places with Potter. Potter, you will be sitting next to Malfoy for the following lessons. He will also be giving you extra tutoring. This is very generous of Mr Malfoy, if you distract him or I hear any complaints then you will be cleaning up after Mr Longbottom for the rest of the year."
Neville went bright red at this, his face matching the shade of Ron's ears. Ron didn't seem to be taking the news that Zabini would be his new partner in Potions very well. Neither did Zabini for that matter who was having a whispered argument with Malfoy in their corner. Malfoy had a small crease between his eyebrows and he kept flicking his hair out of his eyes. It seemed to be Zabini doing most of the arguing. Harry was still unsure of what he was supposed to be doing and he walked slowly down his row to the main aisle. Behind him, Hermione's hand shot into the air.
Harry saw Snape try hard to ignore it but finally, with a slight twitch of his left eye, he gave in, "Yes Miss Granger?"
"Please sir, Harry could sit next to me during potions. And it would be more practical for me to tutor him."
Harry saw Zabini's face light up and Malfoy look interestedly towards Snape.
"Thank-you Miss Granger but I have decided and it is final. Potter, what are you doing standing around in the aisle? I think you have held up my class for long enough already. Sit down." Snape half-turned towards the board and then, as an after thought added, "Ten points from Gryffindor."
Harry pushed his glasses further up his nose and went to sit next to Malfoy, passing Zabini in the aisle who jostled him purposefully, almost making Harry drop his books. Hey, thought Harry resentfully, it's not as if I want to sit next to him.
Well, he corrected as he sat down next to the ice blond, I didn't ask for it anyway.
At the end of the lesson, Malfoy stood up and began packing away his notes and textbooks. Harry stared glumly at his blank parchment and sighed. It had been mainly theory that lesson and Harry had zoned out. It wasn't his fault, after years of Snape picking on him he had grown such a dislike for the subject that as soon as they began discussing lists of ingredients and the technicalities of temperature, he just began to lose focus. He realised with a start that Malfoy was staring critically down his nose at him.
"What is the third ingredient in the theoretical Bacio potion?"
Harry stared up, his mind blank as he struggled to remember. Malfoy had a piece of hair falling into his grey eyes which at that moment were focussed on Harry.
Harry looked away and tugged at one of his wristbands. "Unicorn hairs?" he asked hopefully.
Malfoy sighed and flicked his hair away from his face. "The fourth ingredient is unicorn hairs, the third is finely shaven, 80 cocoa solids dark chocolate. Honestly Potter, do you spend every potions lesson staring into space? Don't answer that, I can see by your furrowed brow and your look of stupidity that you do. You're a lost cause. I don't know why I agreed to tutor you."
"Neither do I" muttered Harry as he stood up. Malfoy ignored him and just handed him his own notes.
"Copy them out by Monday" He said imperiously ""I'll meet you here when lessons finish."
"Can't." Harry said, shouldering his bag.
"Why not?" Malfoy stopped just as he was about to turn and walk down the aisle, fixing Harry once again with his superior stare.
Harry felt uncomfortable and hated it. "Because I'm seeing my therapist, you know about my unnatural urge to kill myself?. How's eight for you?"
The corner of Malfoy's mouth curled slightly and his eye, and Harry hated to use this word in accord with Malfoy but it was the only word that fit, twinkled. "I do have a life you know. However, I can see that you are in dire need of my assistance so I will put off my plans for an evening."
Harry smiled unselfconsciously and stuffed Malfoy's notes into his bag. They both turned at the same time and almost got stuck in the aisle but Malfoy managed to squeeze past gracefully and stalk up the aisle towards the door where a grumpy Zabini was waiting for him next to Ron and Hermione who were looking equally disgruntled.
"Eight" Malfoy said casually when they both reached the door
"Monday" Harry said, but Malfoy had already turned and was walking down the corridor, Zabini tripping behind him.
"Why'd you have to sit next to him for?" moaned Ron as the Gryffindors began their way to the greenhouses. "He's so…such a…argh!" He made a noise of exasperation and mimed strangling someone in mid air.
"He did save Harry's life." Hermione pointed out pragmatically.
Ron let his hands fall to his sides, "Yeh but…" He trailed off sullenly.
"What was that stuff about eight on Monday?" Hermione asked tucking a strand of curly hair firmly behind her ear and taking one of Ron's hands in a way that Harry wasn't supposed to see.
"I'm meeting him for a tutoring session on Monday" Harry said, looking away towards Hagrid's hut, feeling a pang of jealousy at how close Ron and Hermione were getting.
"But you've got a therapists session on Monday don't you?" Hermione said slightly sharply.
"Yes, I do know my own schedule Hermione." Harry snapped back "That's why I'm meeting him at eight."
He felt Hermione stiffen beside him and turned round just in time to see Ron give her hand a squeeze and shoot her one of his characteristic lop-sided grins that said equally as clearly 'isn't Harry being silly. Oh well, let's pretend he wasn't horrible because other wise he might try to kill himself again.' Harry looked away again quickly.
"I wish Snape had let me tutor you." Hermione said after a while. Harry made a non committal noise. The truth was, he was rather glad Snape had put him with Malfoy; Malfoy could be an insufferable git at times but at least Harry wouldn't be stuck with Hermione shooting him worried glances, sucking in her cheeks and trying not to show him how exasperated she was getting at his incompetence.
The rest of the day passed quickly enough. The only incidence happened at lunchtime when Harry refused to go to the Great Hall and Hermione and Ron had been so sickeningly pleading and worried about him that he had snapped and shouted at them. Again. He had felt so guilty that he ended up going to lunch anyway even though he didn't feel like eating anything.
At dinner the hall was full of high-spirited children yelling and laughing at the prospect of a whole weekend free of lessons. The Professors were warning that the heat wave was forecast to break on Sunday – Trelawney was flapping around school with a great black umbrella telling anyone who listened that doom was going to come upon their heads in the shape of thunder and lightening – and everyone was determined to make the most of the last day of the heat wave. There was whispered talk of skinny-dipping at midnight, gilly-weed pilfering for underwater adventures, picnics in the forbidden forest and all other manner of other, mostly illegal, stuff. Ginny sat down beside him before anyone else could and her constant chattering throughout the meal was a comforting background noise to Harry's own morbid thoughts.
Over the last days in the medical room, left to his own devices, Harry's thoughts had turned more and more often to Sirius and to his own life. What had Sirius been thinking as he was hit with that curse – such a simple curse, so simple. Nobody should be killed by such a simple curse – he was always so full of life, so loud and determined to make the most of things. Harry wondered what Sirius would have thought of him, Harry, if he had known that Harry would try to kill himself. What would his parents think? Were they all turning in their graves? Harry screwed his eyes as he realised that none of them had graves, they were all in limbo somewhere he could never visit them, somewhere he could never sit and talk to them, grieve properly. Ginny didn't seem to notice that he was in mental torment and just kept on talking happily around her mouthfuls of apple crumble. And what about Harry? It didn't even seem to have sunk in properly that he had tried to kill himself. As many times as he lifted up the corners of his cuffs to stare at the ugly scars crossing his wrists – Harry was beginning to hate them already – he could hardly believe it. He'd though about it so many times, when he was lying on his bed in Privet drive, in Hogwarts, his razor between his fingers, or other times, smoking a cigarette at the top of the astronomy tower, above the clouds on his broom. How easy it would be to let go, just let reality and all of it's problems slip from him, let other people take the responsibility. But then there had always been something holding him back, something to catch onto and hold him in place. Sometimes it was Ron or Hermione, sometimes his own hero's sense of responsibility, his own love of life, sometimes he would see Sirius' eyes in front of him or a letter from Lupin. But that day in the forest…he had killed himself almost by accident, his skin had been so easy to tear, he had felt nothing as his blood flowed away, nothing until Malfoy…Harry clenched his fists and glanced across at the Slytherin table where Malfoy was laughing and talking with his friends. He glanced up, his face laughing and caught sight of Harry looking at him. His eyes became serious and a crease appeared between his eyebrows. Harry tore his gaze away. There had been nothing then to hold him here, he had felt he was floating away, escaping. And the problem was, now he had done it once, it seemed so easy, too easy. Killing yourself should be hard Harry thought bitterly, you should have to put thought and effort into it. What he needed was something to keep him here, something that he couldn't leave, something he wouldn't want to leave. Hermione and Ron were becoming more and more wrapped up in each other and there was no one else he could see to turn to, no one else who was important enough. Harry suddenly felt a sense of restlessness and a need to scream. For a moment he was scared he was about to explode. He looked down and noticed that his hands were still clenched and that they were white and shaking. He stood up abruptly, startly Ginny who stopped in the middle of what she was saying in order to stare up at him.
"Harry?" She asked quietly, gently.
Harry turned, stepped over the bench and stormed out of the Hall.
It was only as he turned the corner of the school building that he realised he was being followed. I need something to anchor me. He swung round on his heel. Something important. Ginny stopped behind him, her pretty round face staring expectantly, almost scared, into his. Someone special. Harry felt reckless, there was a dizzying emptiness inside him that he had to fill or he might die. Shocking even himself he stretched out his hands and grabbed Ginny's face and with rough gentleness brought her up to his own lips. She held very still as he kissed her, pouring his passion, his frustration into her lips. He pulled away finally and she stood, dazed on the grass in front of him, the sunset lighting up her freckles and giving her skin a soft glow. She really was very pretty, Harry thought abstractly.
"Will you go out with me?" he asked, the words out of his mouth before he had even thought them.
Her eyes lit up and she smiled, her bluey-green eyes crinkling at the edges. "Yes" She said happily.
"Good," the reckless feeling was gone and all Harry could feel was a growing sense of unease and utter horror at what he had just done "Um, well, I'll see you later. I have to go now, uh…potions homework…and stuff."
Harry almost ran past her and through the corridors until he got to his own dorm where he collapsed onto the bed. "Oh shit," he murmured into the sheets, "What have I done?"
Draco looked up and met the green eyes of one Harry Potter. The look in them knocked all the laughter out of him. They were so fierce, so intense that for a moment Draco felt an irrational shiver of fear. He recognised that look, it was the one Potter had worn when they had been fighting in the forbidden forest. Fighting for his life, Draco thought bitterly, a crease appearing in between his eyebrows. Potter looked away and Draco returned to his friends. Pansy was chattering crazily about the next party she was organising.
"You will come won't you Draco babes?" she asked, smiling over at him, her lipsticked lips parting to reveal sharp white teeth.
"Course" he said, "I never miss your parties Panse, you know that."
She smiled at him again, which was quite unsettling, and turned to talk to a girl in the year below them – very pretty, with almond eyes, coffee skin and long black eyes. Draco had had a few intimate moments with her in various cupboards at various parties. – when suddenly the girl drew in a sharp breath along with a few other people in the hall. Draco turned to see Potter standing at the Gryffindor table, his eyes burning and fists clenched. He had that look, Draco reflected, that meant he was either about to do something very stupid or very brave. Either way the outcome didn't look good. Suddenly Potter turned, stepped over the bench and strode out of the hall, apparently unaware that he held the attention of most of it's occupants. The doors swung shut behind him only to be flung open again as someone Draco recognised as the youngest Weasely dashed after Potter. The Hall erupted into talk and speculation.
"What happened?" asked Greg who had looked up from his food long enough to notice that something had happened in the atmosphere of the hall.
"Where do you think he's gone?" asked Pansy
"He's probably gone to off to try and top himself again. And this time me and Drake won't be there to save his skinny arse. Wonder what method he'll choose this time, eh Draco?"
"Hmm," Draco said with feigned casualness, "I'd say a one way trip down from the top of the Quidditch posts don't you think?"
His friends laughed and began talking about something else. But Draco couldn't forget the look on Potter's face. He hadn't looked suicidal but he'd looked as though he might do something stupid if he wasn't prevented. For a moment Draco entertained the thought of going after him but dismissed it. What am I? He thought, his nanny?
He tuned back into the conversation and tried to forget about Potter and his general stupidness.
"Well, I followed him out of the hall and he went outside of the castle and he was walking really fast and I thought, I don't know, that he might try to kill himself again or something, so I ran to catch up with him –"
"Which way was he going?"
"Towards the Quidditch pitch so anyway I –"
"Did you think he was going to try to hang himself off the posts because that's what some of the Slytherins were saying."
"Yes. No. I can't remember, but anyway, he was walking really fast and then he must have heard me behind him because suddenly he turns around and then he just stands there for a couple of moments staring at me. And I've stopped too, and we're just standing in front of each other looking into each others eyes and the sun is setting and his face is all sort of dark and brooding and his glasses are sort of reflecting the sun and then he gets this really tender look in his eyes –"
"How could you tell what his eyes looked like if his glasses were reflecting the light?"
"I just could. You can't explain these things Zoë. So anyway, he gets this really tender look in his eyes and he takes a step forward and I sort of know what's coming by know so I just stand there, holding my breath. And then he takes my face in both of his hands – like this – and then he bands really close and kisses me!!"
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Giinnyyyyy! Eeeeeeeeeee!!"
Zoe falls off the bed making high pitched shrieking noises while Ginny tries to hush her.
"Shh, shh, you'll wake the others. You haven't heard the best bit yet."
"I can't believe Harry Potter kissed you! You'll be the envy of all the girls in Hogwarts! That's like every girl's dream! Apart from Draco Malfoy of course…"
Zoë's eyes take on a dreamy glaze and Ginny makes a face.
"Draco Malfoy is a selfish, self obsessed bastard." She states superiorily "Harry Potter is nothing like him. He is ten times better than him."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, go on! Get to the best bit."
"Ok, so he kisses me and then he takes a step back and just looks at me again and then he says 'Will you go out with me'"
There is a shocked silence on the bed. Finally, Zoe manages to get out a strangled "What did you say?"
"Yes!"
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!"
"Shhh!"
Both girls fall off the bed this time in a tangle of giggling, squeaking limbs and covers.
It is a very bad idea, Harry decided as he walked down the corridor to the kitchens, to skip dinner and then spend hours worrying yourself into a frenzied mixture of panic and hunger. Worrying, he has discovered, can work up quite an appetite.
The corridor where the kitchen portrait-hole was a little less dusty than the other corridors in the dungeon and there was a slight smell of warm bread, of sauces and cooking. Warming smells, the sort that Harry was never greeted with in the mornings of his childhood. Visiting the kitchens always reminded him of how things could have been. He tried not to dwell on it as he reached the large painting that masked the hole to the kitchen. Since he'd first discovered the kitchen, he had visited it regularly during the nights when he couldn't or didn't want to sleep. The food was a way to ward off the nightmares and the comforting glows of the fires and the cheerful servitude of the house elves all helped to soothe him. He had fallen asleep in the kitchens many times before.
Harry entered the kitchens and closed his eyes for a moment, soaking up the warmth from the fires. He smiled as the worries seemed to slip away from his shoulders and he relaxed. Suddenly, he felt another person's eyes on him. He opened his eyes and looked around the kitchen. House elves scurried about in their usual manner preparing that mornings breakfast, the fires roared quietly in their hearths, there were all the tables, laid out directly underneath the corresponding ones in the Great Hall above them, and there, sitting at his usual place at the Slytherin table, staring up at Harry with an inscrutable gaze, was Draco Malfoy.
"If you're looking for knives, don't bother. They won't give them to you. I had enough trouble getting this." He gestured with a knife he held in his left hand, his voice slow and drawling, betraying no surprise or annoyance. For the first time Harry noticed that some of the house elves ears were smoking slightly. Somehow, he couldn't muster up enough energy to care.
"What are you doing here?" he asked tiredly as he walked down the stairs to the main floor of the kitchen.
"I could ask you the same thing. I thought you were dead. We were all sure you'd gone off to kill yourself at dinnertime."
A house elf Harry didn't recognise approached him nervously and Harry asked for hot crumpets with butter and jam and honey. The house elf scurried off, its pillow case dragging a little on the floor behind it but Harry called it back, adding a bar of chocolate and a large glass of warm milk to his list. He needed comfort food. After a couple more seconds of deliberation, he went and sat opposite Malfoy.
"Well as you can see, I didn't kill myself" Harry said awkwardly after a few minutes of silence and Malfoy smiled.
"Obviously the effort of abstaining is very hungry making"
He cut a block of foreign looking cheese with an ivory-handled cheese knife and there was an array of different types of crackers laid out on the table. They sat in silence, Harry watching Malfoy's fingers and the gently rhythm of slicing. His food was brought to him by another house elf who bowed very low and then backed away, leaving them alone. Harry bit into one of his crumpets, the sweet jam and warm bread filling his senses. When he finished his first crumpet he looked up to see Malfoy lifting his first cracker to his mouth, the cheese laid on it carefully.
"Cheese give you nightmares you know" Harry said
"I know." Malfoy said and bit into the cracker. They sat in amiable silence for countless long minutes, each boy lost in his own thoughts until they had each finished their food and all that was left was a large bar of Honeyduke's finest lying on the table between them. Harry snapped it in half and offered one half to Malfoy.
He looked at it for a second then took it, his long pale fingers brushing slightly against Harry's and sending a shiver up Harry's arm.
"So why are you here?" Harry asked.
Malfoy tilted his head slightly and stared at his chocolate. "Couldn't sleep." He said carefully. He looked up, "What about you? Do you make it a habit to skip supper and then eat crumpets at 2 o'clock in the morning?"
Harry took a long slurp at his drink and then placed it down onto the table, his eyes still fixed on it. "I couldn't sleep either." He said. Malfoy made no comment and Harry darted his eyes upwards only to find the boy smiling in silent laughter.
"What?"
"You have a milk moustache" Malfoy said after a few seconds, "And you looked so serious."
"Better?" Harry said grinning, wiping the milk off onto the sleeve of his T-shirt.
"Much" Malfoy smiled back.
That sat for a while longer, chatting about school, potions, food – "You've eaten Bull's bollocks?!" "They're a delicacy in Italy" – when suddenly Harry said,
"I never said thank-you."
Malfoy looked up from his last piece of chocolate, a quizzical expression on his face, "For what?" Harry felt his face grow warmer and felt slightly embarrassed.
"For saving my life."
"Oh that, of course. Well, you know, all in a days work, saving maidens in distress and all that."
"Oh yeah, course."
"Although you owe me a shirt." Malfoy smirked and Harry laughed,
"You can have it back if you want."
Malfoy raised an eyebrow "I was thinking more along the lines of Thank-you oh Wonderful Malfoy for saving my life, I will now be your willing slave and do anything for you, including buying you a brand new shirt of the finest white silk with four buttons up the sleeves and back panelling."
"Hmm," Harry stood up, also smiling, "I wouldn't hold your breath."
Malfoy laughed as they walked out of the kitchen together. They walked up the hallway and parted when the got to the main dungeon corridor. Harry deliberated saying goodbye as he walked towards the well lit entrance hall. He turned around at the end but Malfoy had already disappeared.
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