Disclaimeriffic!-I own nothing. NOOOOOOOOTHING. Verstehe?
Little Note: I'm writing this while full of warm fuzzies, due to all the lovely people who've been so nice about my writing. Excuse it if the characters seem a little happier than they did for the last one. And I have a peppermint gum addiction. Healthier than smoking, I guess...
Zack lay back on the grass, shirt off, soaking up the sun while catching the melting ice cream droplets on his tongue. The entire gang was here, all of them getting out of school somehow through lies, convenience, or in Screechs case, because the chemistry teacher 'didn't want another lawsuit on her hands'. Zack hadn't asked. When people said that about Screech, it was better not to.
Kelly had got out by saying she had a charity thing to organise. Well, not quite. In actual fact, Kelly had taken one look at her teacher and gone bright red while mumbling something about having to go. Luckily, Jessie had saved the day by choosing that moment to groan loudly, and whisper something about throwing up. The professor couldn't have ushered them out of his classroom quicker if he'd had a gun. Jessie had a note from the nurse, so she'd got out too. And Slater had just implied something about a wrestling tournament and he'd been let out.
Lisa's story had been more entertaining. "I was shopping down at the mall one weekend, and I saw my psychology professor looking shifty. Now, you know me, and how I hate to pry, but I thought I should follow. You know, for the good of the school, right? Well, she went into the unimaginatively named 'Tie Me Down, Gimp!", and was in there for about ten minutes. She came out with two bags and almost ran out of there. I just mentioned it to her as a passing comment this morning when she wouldn't buy my story of needing new lip gloss urgently, and she almost pushed me out the door! She gave me fifty dollars, too! I don't know why she'd do that...anyone want ice cream?"
So, they'd bought ice cream, and were just relaxing in the sun. Lisa was throwing a stick for Screech...which was no wierder than usual, so that didn't confuse Zack. Kelly was, for once, relaxing, rather than canvassing, so Zack felt happy about that. And Jessie was...okaaaay, Jessie wasn't here. Slater...also wasn't here.
Zack sat up, ears stretching for the sounds of a man screaming in fear and pain. When he couldn't hear anything, it only made him more worried. Maybe she was drowning him? Or she'd gagged him? Or...oh god. Maybe he was too late to stop her...
Standing, he caught sight of the two sitting on the other side of the small hill on a low wall. Although Slater didn't appear to be in any pain, or gagged, Zack didn't want to take chances. He crept up behind, and listened carefully, ready to jump in and save the wrestler if he heard the words 'tear', 'rip', 'castrate', or 'I'm going to sell you to a German man with a latex fetish, and then post the subsequent pictures over the state'. He was listening for the last phrase in particular.
He couldn't hear anything, apart from vague whisperings, and so he moved closer, and closer, trying to hear. Suddenly Jessie straightened up, and said clearly and loudly '...I'll tear you a new one."
"RUN SLATER RUN! I'LL HOLD HER OFF!" Zack leapt like a blind seal, catching Jessie with both arms and knocking both her, and him, into a tangle of limbs on the other side of the wall. A strong hand grabbed him by the shoulder and hoisted him up. Slater stood there, fist ready to start tenderising his face at Jessie's order, as she picked herself off the ground and brushed herself off.
"You'd better have a good reason for attacking my...girlfriend, preppy. Or else I'm gonna make it so no girl can ever look at you again." Slater looked ready to explode, and Zack mentally told all of his vital organs to move to the parts of his body Slater might overlook when he turned him into boy-pulp.
"...I heard her say 'I'll tear you a new one', and I thought you were in danger...?" Slater hesitated, and then looked at Jessie confusedly.
She sighed. "Put him down, Slater. Much as I'd like him punished for eavesdropping," Zack smiled, guiltily, "he was just looking out for you. Zack, I wasn't threatening Slater. I was being a friend."
Zack looked incredlously at Jessie, and then Slater dropped him. Stepping up close to Jessie, he murmured "What are you doing?"
"Oh, he already knows." Then, as Slater looked stricken, she sighed. "He guessed. That luck of the devil he has. I didn't tell him."
Slater turned back to Zack who was getting up from the floor, and grabbed him by the shoulders again. "If you tell anyone about this, preppy, I swear I'm going to kill you, understand? That split lip I gave you will be a love tap compared to this..."
Zack looked imploringly at Jessie, who pulled on Slater's arm. "Look you two, stop asserting your masculinity or whatever this is. Slater, put him down, you big nancy."
The two boys glared at each other for a moment longer, then Slater grudgingly relaxed his grip on Zack. The blonde fell to the floor again. "Hell, I'll just stay down, shall I? It shouldn't be too long before you're lifting me back up, right."
Slater growled, and pulled Zack up. The three walked back over, where they found Lisa looking confusedly at them. "I heard loud voices, and fighting. I would have gone over, but my designer heels aren't made for...well, walking. Full stop."
Jessie laughed, the noise sounding fake to Zack. "No, Zack just jumped on us as we were...ahem. Making up, if you catch my drift."
Lisa grinned. "I get you, sister. If you need to borrow my make up, then just say." The girl went back to rubbing Screech's belly absently, as he panted and chewed on the stick. Jessie sat down a little way away, and Zack joined her.
"What was that about? Why did you lie?"
She sighed, and turned to him. Taking both of his hands in hers, she looked into his eyes, and Zack saw the determination. "Zack, listen. Slater and I, we spent ages together, and whether he was...different all along or not, that changes nothing. We were friends before this, and we'll be friends afterwards. But until he decides he's ready him and I, we're going to keep pretending. He's going to let me do what I want boyfriend-wise, and I'm going to let him do what he wants...also, boyfriend-wise. And no-one will realise anything. Except you. And if you tell anyone, I will kill you, even before Slater has the chance." She smiled. "Seeing as we're not a proper couple anymore, we don't have to share our victims."
Zack gulped. "I get you. I'll be good. Be all supportive and nice and the like."
"Zack, that's the last thing you should be."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "...what?"
"If people see you acting differently towards him, they're going to ask questions. And, my little blonde buddy, you will slip up. If you stay the same, they'll all see it as the usual. You get me?"
He nodded, slowly. "Staying a bastard is normal. So I stay a bastard!"
Jessie patted him on the head. "Well done. You'll get the hang of this brain yet."
They settled back down, Zack suddenly realising he was missing his ice cream. Jessie laughed, and he looked back at her. "What's funny?"
Jessie glanced at him, as if unaware that she'd laughed out loud. "What? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the irony of it all. You and Slater competing over all those girls. Me always getting mad at him for looking at a waitresses ass, or being a chauvanist pig. All of it was an act. Poor boy."
Zack smiled. "And all this time I thought he was just a big dumb wrestler. Damn, that good an actor, the boy should be in movies." He lay back. "At least it's good to know I no longer have any competition, right?"
"He's still going to act like he wants girls, you know. He lied for the whole time he was with me, and he'll keep lying."
"Oh, I know. That's the best arrangement I could ask for. All the fun of the challenge, but whoever wins, I get the girl! Sigh...I wish more boys were closeted. I'd have free rein of the entire school. The entire town. The entire country..."
Jessie slapped him lightly on the arm. "Even you couldn't handle that many girls, Zack Morris. And I think they'd be disappointed if you were the only one who was interested in repopulating the USA. And what would you do when no one was interested in straight porn anymore? You'd have nothing to do of an evening."
He grinned at her. "I think the problem would be too much to do. Or, at least, too many."
She sniffed at him, and they settled back to watching the rest of the gang. "What were you implying when you said 'I'll tear you a new one', by the way? Because from where I was, it didn't sound like you were 'being a friend'..." Zack looked sidelong at Jessie.
She laughed. "Oh! Of course. I can see how you might have been confused there. That was just me being a little bit...well, nasty." She emphasised 'nasty', but Zack didn't get the hint. He looked at her, incomprehension clear on his face, and Jessie sighed.
"Man, you're thick." She leant over, and described what she'd meant, very quietly, in his ear. Zack's face cleared as he understood.
"Ooooh, I see." Then he grimaced. "That's just wrong, Jessie! Ew! Why would you tell me something like that!" He rubbed at his ears furiously as Jessie rolled onto her back with laughter.
"You told me to tell you! And besides, it's not that bad, is it?"
"Uh, yeah! It is! Men were given just the right amount of...those. And when you say to a gay man like Slater that you'll tear a guy 'a new one'...well, I hope for his sake, whoever he is, it never comes to that. Things like that just aren't supposed to be like that...yich."
Jessie collapsed into giggles once more, and Zack looked at her with distaste. "You know, Jessie, if someone said something like that about women, ESPECIALLY if they implied what you did, then you'd murder them."
Jessie sat back up, all trace of mirth gone. "Zack, I'm so going to kill you for that!"
He gulped, and cowered, until he saw a smile fight its way onto Jessie's face, before she burst out laughing again. Zack sighed with relief. "I believed you were pissed off for a moment there. Please, don't do that again. My heart is only designed to stop once, and permanently. You keep doing that to it, it'll just give up one day."
They sat back, Jessie still smiling from the bantering, Zack still looking around for his ice cream.
Then Zack looked at Jessie confusedly. "Erm, Jess, there's something else too." She looked at him questioningly, and Zack lay back with his hands behind his head."About Slater, and his...act. You know, all the being chauvanistic, and flirtatious, and...well, more than a little bit horny. For someone gay, he sure was masculine. And by masculine, I mean...well, I mean..."
"Interested in girls? All of the things you just said? Yeah. I know. It's just Dan, the author, got a review from someone saying that Slater was too straight, and this could never happen. Being the non-confrontational and eager to please everyone person he is, Dan decided to try and make it look like Slater is a really good actor, rather than just admit he's working in a fantasy world."
Zack thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Kay. Whatever." He snapped his fingers. "That does explain why my ice cream suddenly disappeared." He licked his ice cream philosophically, before suddenly staring at it with surprise. "Okay, that's so cool."
Jessie looked over. "Yeah, Dan doesn't get continuity. Whenever you next notice something like that, don't mention it. Just go with the flow, okay?"
Zack nodded. "Hey, so long as I have an ice cream, then I'm happy!" And he settled back to eat.