Disclaimer: Ah, screw this. You know the drill, babes. Love ya!

"So, we need a plan to get this boy for Slater, and it has to be good, y'understand? This has to be executed perfectly." Zack looked at his audience. "Do you understand...'Screech'?"

Jessie sighed. "Look, Zack. I know Slater doesn't want anyone else to know yet, but do I really have to fill in for Screech in one of your schemes? It's wierd...really wierd. And this wig is creeping me out. I think something keeps moving in it."

Zack glared at Jessie, sitting in front in a carefully arranged Screech-esque position, and wearing the Hallowe'en wig that he'd found when trick-or-treating about seven years ago, which sort of looked like the boys hair when ruffled a bit. "Look, I need someone to help me with this, and because I can't use Screech, you need to fill in. Convincingly. Hell, I wore a dress for you. The least you can do is act like Screech for a little while."

She pulled the wig off and ran a hand through her hair, then started to inspect it carefully. "Well, I suppose, but it's just...not right. I mean, how would you feel if...wait. Is this blood?"

Zack glanced down at the offending dreadlock of matted hair, and paled slightly. "Erm...you don't need to wear that anymore if you don't want to. I wouldn't."

She looked at him, then shuddered, and tossed the wig away. "Ugh. I should have known better than to wear something you gave me. Anyway, like I was saying, how would you feel if Screech replaced you with someone?"

Zack shrugged. "It's not the same, though. I mean, if I could tell him, I would. But I can't. So I make do. I mean, maybe if I moved to Africa, or Mars or something, then Screech would have to get a new me, but that's not going to happen, is it? Just for now, I need a stand-in."

"Well, I suppose you're right. But seeing as we've got that out of the way, lets move on to the many problems I have with the morality of you, and all your plans. This can't work."

Zack frowned at her. "But I haven't even told you the plan yet. You don't know anything about it."

She smiled at him. "But I know that it's going to be wrong, seeing as you invented it. It's going to be something like kidnapping him, or knocking him out with chloroform, or offering him money...what are you writing?" Zack had picked up a pen and was scribbling things onto a notepad.

He looked up at her. "These are good ideas. Keep going. Screech would never have thought of the chloroform, you know..."

She sighed, and shrugged. "There's no stopping you, is there. Just, try not to break any laws, state or federal."

Zack looked at her with an accusatory glint in his eyes. "What kind of monster do you think I am, Jessie? Me, break laws?"

"How can you keep a straight face when saying that, Zack Morris?"

"With practice. Now, we need to find out where this boy goes to school, who he hangs out with afterwards, where he was born. I want to know everything about him. I want to know who his first crush was...in fact, find out Slater's as well. I could use some new blackmail material, seeing as there's so much red tape around the stuff I already know. Are you writing all this down?"

Jessie spread her hands. "You want me to find all this for you? How? I have class, and homework, and a social life! When do I have the time?"

He glanced at her, and she rolled her eyes. "Alright, so maybe my social life isn't the most energetic little puppy in the kettle, but come on! What do you think I am?"

"Screech was always able to find out all of this stuff...and he wouldn't ask me all these questions, either. He'd just do it." Zack muttered.

"Yes, but you can't use him, can you, Zack? I mean, you can't tell him, and only a total idiot wouldn't realise the reasons why he would be searching for things like this."

They both paused, a silent communication passing between them, then Zack smiled. "See, you can be helpful, can't you?"

"Weeeeeell, I dunno, Zack. I mean, I'm pretty busy with my worm maze, and the article on alien abductions and the subsequent probing that takes place for my online journal. Some of the guys and I are trying to dispel the myths that all aliens do anal probing, when in actual fact only around fifteen point eight two percent of aliens do, and often that takes place only as a formality. Our alien brothers aren't totally sadistic, and we've got to remember this." Screech held the phone between shoulder and ear as he kicked off from the wall, riding the computer chair all the way across the room over to his worm farm. Distractedly dropping a few dead leaves into it, he rolled back to his computer, and started to type. "And how's Rambo? You're still reading him those things I printed off for him?"

Rambo was the rat Zack was currently looking after, due to Mrs Power's aversion to the creatures continual escape attempts. Zack had offered to take him for a little while, just until Screech could build a secure playpen for him, and had put him in the bath. The sides stopped him getting out, and it meant that he didn't have to clean up too much. And so far, he'd only once tried to get down the plughole.

Zack heard the clack of keys down the phone line. " Uh, yeah. He's fine. Look, it won't take too long. I just need this guy's life story. Couldn't you just do that for me? It can't take that long, can it?"

Screech tutted at the screen. Without turning around, he muttered, "Stop fighting, you two. Don't make me come back there!"

Zack frowned. "Who you talking to?"

"My worms. Batman and The Penguin are fighting over a elm leaf."

Zack paused. "Screech..."

"I mean, I wouldn't mind, but they're only doing it to get Catwoman's attention. Even though I think her and Batwoman...well, you know what worms are like..."

"...Aren't worms hermaphrodites?" Zack asked.

"Yep!"

Zack paused again, then shaking his head, dismissed it from his mind. He just wouldn't understand. "Look, Screech, dude. Please. Come on. It's Zack! You help me with everything, remember? We're best buddies!"

On his end of the line, Screech furrowed his own brow. "But last week, I got kicked out of the Max because of the thing you pulled with the ketchup bottles."

"Yeah, but wasn't it funny?"

"I guess..." Screech sounded unsure, and Zack sighed.

"Dude, I tried to do this the easy way, you know, but you've forced me into it. Do you remember my birthday party this year? Past 10 o'clock?"

Silence. Then Screech slowly said "...Noooo..."

"Exactly."

Another silence. "Right. Life story. Would you like that e-mailed straight to your printer, or should I just send it to your computer. If it's not there in thirty minutes, the next one's free!" Screech chirped down the line.

Zack smiled. "Straight to the printer, please. Pleasure doing business with you, buddy. See yah tomorrow." He hung up the phone and turned to see Jessie frowning at him. "What now?"

"You just blackmailed one of your oldest friends. How do you feel about that?" Jessie accused.

He shrugged. "I dunno. How did you feel when you broke Kimberly Stuarts glasses and then put them back into her coat without telling anyone?"

She paled. "How do you know about...wait. Hey!"

"I blackmail everyone. It's my way of saying 'I love you. Now do what I say'. Don't you just love it?" He grinned wickedly at her, and she sighed.

"Well, it gets the job done, I suppose. I can't fault your technique. Just one question..." Zack looked at her, and she rolled her eyes. "What did Screech actually do this year?"

"Nothing. He fell down the stairs and knocked himself out. When he came round it was morning and me and Slater had taken all his clothes and tied him to a tree. Who knows what he thinks he did? But it's useful, dontchathink?"

Jessie gasped. "That's horrible! I can't believe you'd do that! What if he had concussion? He could have got permanent brain damage!"

"This is Screech. He's already got brain damage, most people think."

She stopped, mid flow. "Hmm...you have a point."

The printer suddenly rattled into action, and Zack smiled. "However, you can't beat him for prompt service! One life story, hot off the press, Jessie?"

She shrugged, and picked the first sheet up. Then she looked over it at Zack. "Oh, and by the way? It's 'Slater and I', not 'me and Slater'."

"...What?"

"You said 'me and Slater tied him to the tree.". It's 'Slater and I tied him to the tree.". It's grammatically incorrect, otherwise."

Zack stared at her for a moment, then shook his head. "One of these days, we're going to have to go over the ways you chat up boys, darlin'. Correcting what they say is just the kind of thing that will bug them enough to start batting for the other side, just to get away from you. It's right up there with buying them socks, and checking the carat of any jewellry they buy you. In front of them."

She pouted. "That only happened once, and that wasn't even with Slater!"

"Mmmm. Sure. Whatever."

Jessie brushed some loose hair out of her eyes, and huffed. The printer had been rattling off sheets and sheets of information since it had started at nine that evening. Clearly Screech had decided to kill them through kindness, and had sent them everything pertaining to Nick, as they'd found he was called. At half ten, Zack had gone out to buy Coke, and for most of the night the two had been on a sugar high. It was now one in the morning, and Zack was drumming out 'Bohemian Rhapsody' with two empty bottles on his desk while reading Nicks 6th grade reports ('An important member of the class, and always a help'). She pushed his doctors reports out of the way (broke an arm at ten, stiches in his head at fourteen after a skateboard accident) and picked her way over to him, trying to avoid newspaper reports and photo printouts (was involved in a fundraiser for Tibetan monks recently).

"Zack, how MUCH of this do I have to read through?" Zack jumped slightly, and looked at Jessie with surprise. She sighed. Clearly he was pretty far gone on the Coke, eyes still moving from side to side, reading a sheet of paper that wasn't in front of him.

He shook his head, and tried to stop Jessie from darting from left to right. "We only have to read the important bits. Just the important bits. If you find a bit that we can use, then write it down. Then we'll compare later. Stop moving, will you?"

Jessie blinked, then mentally dismissed it. "Yes, Zack. I know that. But how am I supposed to know what is important and what isn't?"

"You read everything. Okay?"

She hit him with one of the bottles, and his eyes stopped quivering for a moment. "Zack, it's tomorrow already. I need sleep. YOU need sleep. So it's unlikely you're going to get any, thereby making it the second night you haven't got to bed, but still. Look at you! You are the original wreck. Come on, I'm going to bed." She turned to leave, and Zack leapt from his chair as though from a springboard to stop her.

Halfway through his jump, he realised his feet were still resting on the bottom of the chair, wrapped around each other. As he fell, though, he reached out and grabbed Jessie's ankles, poleaxing her into a pile of paper. She shrieked as she fell, and Zack got the full force of a kick in his face, complete with wedge heel.

She spluttered up, printouts cascading everywhere. "Zack, you moron! You could have killed me, asshole!"

Zack rolled over, nursing an eye that would undoubtedly have gone a nasty shade of purple by the morning. "You landed in a pile of papers. How could you have died in that? I doubt it's possible to papercut an artery open."

Jessie pouted. "You're still an ass. What was that for?"

He struggled to rest on his elbows, and bent his head backwards to look at her. "You said you'd help Slater. This looks like giving up to me."

"I'm tired, I have at least two essays that I haven't done in for tomorrow morning, my mom is going to be coming back to a smashed window and a broken-into liquor cabinet, and there are about a million other things that, between you and Slater, I haven't had time to do. Please, have mercy."

Zack flipped back onto his front and stared up accusingly at Jessie from under his hair. Even his extra-super-special-rockhard-crazystrength-gel was starting to flag, and his style was drooping slightly. She sighed. "Look, we can do this later. I have my own things to sort out! Namely I need to get me a new boyfriend. Yelling at you just isn't the same. I need control over something."

"You know, I've had less sleep than you in the last two days, I have homework too, my parents have grounded me because I didn't come home last night, due to the distraught best friend comforting, and right now there is a caffiene to blood ratio of about one to one in my veins. But I'm still awake. Do you know why? Do you know why I'm concentrating so hard on this plan? Why it's getting so much attention from me?"

"Because you want to see how much trouble you can cause with one swift move?"

"It's a big part of it, yes."

Jessie laughed, despite herself. "Well, I suppose that's always the way with you, Mr. Morris. Even the most noble of deeds have their own little grain of selfishness, I suppose. You'll always be the one to exploit that, won't you?" She leant forward and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "I do think it's very sweet of you to help Slater out with this. God knows that boy needs the aid. Much as he machos about, he hasn't got much of a spine on him, it has to be said. Not when it comes to this, I don't think."

She stood up, removing stray pieces of paper that had worked their way into her clothes. Zack pushed back over onto his back, and stared up at the ceiling. "Are you gonna stay the night here?"

"Uh-huh. If that's okay, I mean. I don't have anything to go back home for. Mom's out of town for another week or so yet, I think. It's not all finalised."

Zack frowned. Without looking at her, he was still able to read the slight tone of sadness in her voice. "Hey, Miss Independence! You know how much food my mom makes. Do you wanna stay here until yours gets back? Honestly, if anything, you'd be helping!"

Jessie turned, and he could see she was about to snap something about being able to take care of herself. Then, she checked herself, and smiled at him. "Am I that easy to read?"

He grinned back. "Only to me, and I make a living out of it, pretty much. Come on. Stay over. I want you to."

She nodded at him. "Thanks, Zack. I'd appreciate that."

"Good. I want a glass of water. You know where the cups are."

A book caught him full in the groin, and he doubled up with a gasp. Jessie's voice drifted back through the door to him. "Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm going to be your maid, you know."

Despite the blinding pain, Zack angled his head towards the door. "Aw, and just when I was going to get you one of their outfits for your birthday. Now you've ruined the surprise!"

Jessie poked her head back through the door. "Zack. Your penis isn't a possession, it's a priviledge. One that I am all too willing to take away from you. Understand?" He nodded, and she disappeared, before putting her head back round the door again. "Actually, do you want a coffee, or something? If we're going to keep going with this, I'm going to need something to get me through the night...morning...whatever this is right now. Can I get you one?"

"Well, I'd say yes, only I've drunk four litres of Coke tonight. Like I said, more caffiene could actually kill me. Ooh, but that actually just reminded me of something really important that I need to do tonight."

Jessie frowned at him. "What's that?"

He stood up, and started hopping from foot to foot. "I haven't been to the toilet all evening. I think I'm going to explode with four litres of compressed Coke! Gangway!"

Jessie grimaced as Zack rushed past her and slammed the bathroom door. "EWWWWW! Too much information!" She shook her head. "So this is what it's like having a brother. Thank god I'm an only child, then."

"I heard that!"

She smiled as she stepped into the spare room and started to ready herself for bed. When they'd been young, they'd slept in the same room, but now they were older and, to Mr Morris, 'balls of sweaty hormones', they'd had to start sleeping seperately. It made sense to them, she supposed, but Zack was like her brother. She'd feel kinda incestuous if she did anything with him. He was exactly like a brother to her. She'd never really felt the lack of a sibling exactly because of that, and she certainly got the full package, annoyances and all. As she stripped down to her underwear, and put on the nightie that about a year before she'd bought for the purpose of leaving at Zacks so she'd have something to wear when she decided to stay over, Jessie felt a sense of placement. Zack's house was like a second home, and sometimes, when Jessie was feeling especially distraught, she would admit to herself that it was even more of a home, and Zack's family a family, to her than her own. It wasn't that she was unloved or unhappy, just that his parents had been the ideal image of such to her. She smiled again, a little sadly, and walked into the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Zack was brushing his teeth. Upper set, five circles on each one, outer side. Upper set, five circles on each one, inner side. Lower set...Zack had been following the pattern ever since he'd decided to become a Lothario, to ensure the maximum shine. Usually, he was able to go through his top twenty pickup lines while doing them, it had become so familiar. Tonight, though, something was nagging at his mind. It was something actually quite important.

Jessie looked into the mirror, baring her molars. Behind her, she heard a clicking, only for a second, but she turned around. The shower curtain was drawn halfway across the bath, and now Jessie had stopped brushing, the strong scent of mint was disappearing and another, slightly acrid smell replaced it. Curious, she stepped up.

Zack burst out of his bathroom, and skidded across the hall into the guest room. Through the open door into the bathroom, he saw Jessie staring across at him with surprise. Her hand grasped the edge of the curtain, about to pull it back. "Jessie, don't look behind that!"

Her surprise disappeared, and she narrowed her eyes at him, before pulling the curtain back. Zack had a quick 'Psycho' flashback, before Jessie screamed as she beheld the scurrying black ball of matted fur glowering up at her from the bottom of the bathtub.

Only minutes later, Jessie was curled up in Zack's room, sleeping in his bed. Unfortunately, Zack had an engagement with Rambo. As he lay in the guest room, Zack considered how much of a good friend he was, to all of them, and how it always seemed to come back to bite him in the ass. Roused once again by Rambo's insistent squeals, Zack pondered the situation, and planned his revenge on Jessie.