Disclaimer: Give me a D! Give me an I! Give me an S! Give me a CLAIMER! What do you have? Not a lawsuit, that's fo'sho'! Whoooooo! I own none of the places mentioned, people involved, or scenarios alluded to, unless I made them up myself. In which case, Satan owns them. Yay!

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As Nick ran back up to Slater, he smiled to himself. If his plan went off without a hitch, it would be one of the best conquests he'd ever had. Right up there with when he'd seduced the guy who'd beaten him up in tenth grade for beng a fag, and the day he'd finally crossed the last of the school football team off his list.

AC Slater was a state legend. Even though he'd only been living in Florida for a few years, already he'd got a reputation scary enough to make his opponents quiver or, less often, burst into tears upon hearing they were fighting him. One of Nick's more serious boyfriends (one that had lasted more than a week) had been a wrestler, and he'd gone up against Slater once. Nick had dumped him after the fight, after the doctor had said the guy would have to be in plaster for up to six weeks. The bout had only lasted fifteen seconds as well, if that. If Nick could get Bayside's champion wrestler into bed...well, it had the potential to be one of the proudest moments of Nick's life.

That was why Nick had come along tonight. As soon as he'd read the flyer that had been pushed through his door, he'd been texting Andy while running to Gemma's house. He'd not gone to school that Friday, staying at home choosing his best outfit instead. He'd effectively scripted the night in his head, making educated guesses as to when they'd arrive, what Gemma and Andy would laugh at and how loudly, what he'd say to Slater and when they'd start making out. It was all planned out, right down to pretending not to know who the tall dark gorgeous boy who'd come up to them apologetically was.

He dropped down next to Slater, who jumped, shocked out of his own little moment. "Sorry. Managed to catch Andy before he'd started to go through the crowd. So...you were talking. Sorry I ran off." He gave him a smile.

Slater grinned back. "No worries, I was just talking about stuff. Nothing important."

"Cool. Oh, I'm Nick, by the way. Just suddenly figured we'd not been introduced."

"I know." About a millisecond after he'd said that, Slater realised it was stupid, impolite, wierd, creepy, and stupid. Nick raised an eyebrow at him, and he desperately tried to salvage the situation. "I think I heard one of your friends call you it?"

Nick furrowed his brow. He couldn't remember either Gemma or Andy calling him ' Nick' that night, but then again..."Oh, okay. Well, that's not a proper introduction." He held out a hand. "Hi there. I'm Nick!"

Smiling, Slater took his hand. "AC Slater. Nice to meet you."

Nick mentally crossed off stage one of his plan, and was just planning the next step when he suddenly felt agonising pain. "Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus H!"

Slater jumped up. "Omigodomigodomigod I'm sorry! Did I squeeze too hard?"

"Uh, yeah, KINDA! Were you trying to break every bone, or was that just a perk? I don't think I can feel my fingers..." Nick cradled his hand against his chest, trying to rub some feeling back into it.

"I'm sorry..." Slater looked down at him, and Nick would have sworn the boy was almost crying. He sighed.

"No, it's alright. I just wasn't expecting it." He managed a small smile. "Wish I'd remembered you were a wrestler. I was trying to remember where I'd heard the name before a second ago, you just reminded me."

Slater visibly relaxed, and sat back down. "Sometimes I don't remember that I'm not in the ring all the time. Like, a couple of years ago, we went to see my grandma for Thanksgiving, and I gave her a hug. She couldn't move the whole week we were there after that."

Nick laughed, and Slater looked at him. "What's funny?"

"You are! Was your grandma okay?" Slater nodded. "Then it's funny!"

Slater looked at Nick for a second, then grinned. "Yeah, it is, kinda. Speaking of okay though, is your hand gonna be alright?"

Nick looked down at it as though he'd forgotten it was even injured. "Oh, yeah, I bounce back pretty good. Although I don't think I'll be moving it for at least half an hour."

Slater stopped himself from saying 'Well, so long as you can move it later' just in time, and instead just said "Yeah...so anyway, if you're okay, tell me some stuff about you."

"Well, there's not THAT much to tell..." As Nick began a heavily edited version of his life, Slater sat back, and thought about how sexy Nick's voice was...

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Zack didn't know how it had happened, but for some reason word had spread that he had a bottle of JD on his person, and the hordes were getting closer. He knew there was no way he survive alone. Grabbing two relatively sober-looking folk, he dragged them along with him to the garage, where he locked the door and mentally prepared himself for the hardship that was to come; getting through the crowds to find Kelly. He shed a tear for his fallen comrades, before wrapping a red bandana around his head and steeling his nerves.

Behind him, Gemma leant over to Andy. "I'm scared, Andy. Like, not 'Cherry Falls' scared, or even like, 'Saw' scared, I'm talking 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' scared."

Andy stared at her. "I've never even SEEN half those films. Use similies I understand, Gem!"

"Simi-what-what?"

"Never mind." Andy rolled his eyes, and turned back to Zack, who had started looking for weapons in Slater's toolbox. "Erm, sorry to disturb you, Completely Normal Person, but...who ARE you?"

Zack squinted, trying to judge how much damage a sharpish screwdriver would do. "I am the Defender of the Beer Keg, Ally of Slater, Friend of She Of The Mace. I am...Zack..."

Andy opened his mouth, before looking back at Gemma. She widened her eyes, and mimed a chainsaw through the air. Andy gulped, and motioned towards the door. Before he could even begin to start creeping over, though, Zack turned around. "Okay, I'm calming down. You two are going to help me get THIS," as he pointed at the new barrel, "back through THEM. The fate of Mankind rests on our shoulders, men."

Gemma raised a hand, and Zack shrugged. "And women. Sexism is bad, and that. Now, choose your weapon!"

Gemma grabbed a wrench, and Zack nodded his approval. Suddenly, Andy snapped. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T THINK THIS ISN'T CRAZY?!? WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! ALL I WANTED WAS A BEER AND I ENDED UP BEING DRAGGED INTO A GARAGE WITH A POTENTIAL PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER AND NOW HE WANTS ME TO FIGHT?!? WHAT!!! THE!!! HELL!!!"

As he gasped for air, Zack leant towards him. "Erm...'doesn't think this isn't crazy' uses a double negative. I'm just saying."

Andy stared at him for a second in shock, before shaking his head and grabbing Gemma by the wrench. "Come on, Gemma, let's go. I'm creeped out."

"Awwww, but Andeeeee, it's starting to get 'Land Of The Dead' scary. I wanna find out what happens in the end!"

Before they could make it to the door, though, Zack blocked their way. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please. Hang on. I'll calm down. I do actually need some help. I'm trying to find my friend, and someone's started a rumour that I am the Bringer of Blessed Alcohol, which makes me the equivalent of a wounded gazelle in a nature documentary entitled 'Big Cats: Nature's Biggest And Most Violent Killers'. I'm just looking for some sane people to help me."

Andy folded his arms. "Oh, so NOW you make sense. Well, Mr Defender Of Slater And Mace, or whatever you called yourself, first we need a name that makes sense. One that can be given to the police without them laughing at us, should anything bad happen."

Zack smiled. "Oh, you're clever, aren't you? I think I like you. Okee-dokee then, I'm Zack. I go to Bayside, I am currently unattached and I'm on a mission to find a brown haired girl called Kelly. Now...who are you?"

"I'm Gemma, and this is Andy!" Gemma beamed, before catching sight of Andy's face. Her smile vanished. "What?"

"You gave him our real names?!? A minute ago you were saying you were 'Evil Dead' scared of him or something - "

"'Land Of The Dead'"

" - Whatever. You were scared, and now it's 'Happy Fun Time With Zack'?"

Zack and Gemma stared at him, before Gemma raised a hand. "Erm...there's no such film as 'Happy Fun - "

"I KNOW!!!"

"Well, look, if it matters that much..." Gemma turned back to Zack.

"Hi. I'm Superwoman, and this is Smedrick."

"Smedrick?" Zack looked over at Andy, who had by now curled into a foetal ball on the floor. "Are you two not friends?"

"Not when he's being like this, no. And besides, what's wrong with the name 'Smedrick'?"

"Look, he already knows our names, Gem. Let's just...help him, and get it over with." Andy stood up. "Now...what would tidy up a bunch of drunks pretty good? Hey, is anyone going to use this baseball bat?"

Zack grinned. "Knock yourself out."

"Thanks, but I'd rather knock THEM out, if it's all the same to you."

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Kelly opened the door of the General's study, and peered round it into the room. Screech was sat in front of the computer, disassembling the mouse.

"Hey Screech. Whatchadoin?"

"Oh, hiya Kelly. I'm on guard duty. I have to stop people from coming in here and and doing things that would make Jessie have to hurt them on the General's Persian rug. So I'm just building a plasma gun to blast them into a bazillion tiny radioactive particles."

Kelly squinted. "Erm...Screech?"

He looked up. "Oh, don't worry, I'll reassemble the mouse in the morning. And I'll make sure to calibrate the inter-crystum links so as not to harm anything but living organic material. And as for cleaning, well, a bazillion radioactive particles probably won't show up, but I'll vacuum it in the morning. Kay?"

"...So little of that made sense, and I'm still scared." Kelly moved into the room, and shut the door behind her. "Hey, Screech, could I see the CCTV for tonight? Like, as in what would be being recorded if you hadn't looped it?"

Screech glanced down at the desk. "Erm...well, it would be, had I not smashed the mouse up. Hang on, the General might have another one." He disappeared under the desk, and Kelly heard drawers opening. "Any particular reason why, or just plain old curiousity?"

Kelly shrugged, then realised Screech couldn't see her. "I'm just wondering what the gang are up to, and I'm tired of having to push my way through the crowd. It smells like booze. And I don't really like booze so much."

"As good a reason as any. Here we go. Thank Haysus for scary obsessive compulsive men and their need to have two mice...mouses...meeces...whatever." Screech fiddled around with cables for a second, before stepping back.

"There we go. Here, if you just open this here, you can watch all the footage as it's coming, before it's covered over by the loop. Ground floor cameras start with a '1', second floor with a '2' and so on. Outside, there are less cameras, so not everywhere is covered, but there are a couple. Those are the ones that start with an '0'. Got it?"

"Press buttons, see people. Goody."

Screech stepped back. "Awesome. Well, see you in a bit, then!" He headed for the door.

"Wait, where are you going? Aren't you taking your...laser?"

"I'm just going to see if I can find a positronic brain in Slater's basement. Otherwise, I'll have to re-route the energy fields past one another with some kind of barrier that can stand up to high temperatures, and I don't really want to have to use too much adamantium in the construction. I mean, once it's been cast, there's no uncasting it, am I right?" Screech giggled to himself, before leaving the room still muttering 'uncast...what a laugh' under his breath.

Kelly suddenly understood why the physics professor cried when Screech was talking, before disregarding it, and scrolling through the screens, all of which were showing various amounts of drunk people. She spotted Jessie trying to make her way through the crowds from the backyard, Lisa macing people round the keg in the kitchen, Zack...moving towards the General's study. Uh-oh.

Kelly didn't want to be found. She wasn't sure what was going on but, whatever it was, Jessie, and that meant Zack too, was trying to keep her from finding out about it. She jumped up, and ran to the door. She opened it a crack, and spotted Zack about ten metres away, through the crush of people. Thinking quick, she leant out, and said loudly "Hey, isn't that blond guy the one who said he could do more shots of JD than anyone here?"

She slammed the door shut again, and dashed back to the computer. As she'd thought, the herd had...heard, and had moved towards him like the undead, forcing him to run. Another couple of minutes to herself, thank Goodness. Another couple of minutes to find out what she wanted from the CCTV. She had to work quickly.

As the keg ran dry, Lisa pouted. "Hmm…I'd better go get another one…but I might break a nail if I do. I could get some drunk boys to do it…but then they'd know where the beer is. Is there something else alcoholic that I could serve round here? I wonder if I could whip up some kind of punch…"

A boy tapped her on the shoulder. Very slowly, Lisa turned her head to give him the full force of her glare. His eyes widened, and he put his hands up. "I was just wondering if there was some beer left…?"

Lisa smiled sweetly. "Oh, a beer? Why, I'm sure I could find - "

Before she could finish her sentence, the boy suddenly gulped. "Oh, no, sorry to bother you, I'll be going over here. Far over here, bye!" And he disappeared into the crowd.

Lisa thumped the countertop in frustration. "Damn, he must have recognised me! But now he's getting away, after he TOUCHED me. Awwww…I have the WORST luck!"

She looked back at the empty barrel, and wished she didn't have to stay to keep an eye on…it…empty. Hang on.

Lisa looked back across the crowds of people in the room, and gave an evil smile as she tightened one hand around a fresh can. No-one tapped Lisa Turtle on the shoulder and lived for any longer than an hour without either asking her out on a date or experiencing deep emotionally scarring pain. And she was SO hoping he'd not want to ask her out.

Oh my god. Is this gasp FINALLY AN UPDATE?!? Hayzeus! Maybe I might actually start another one this year! Oh, and by the way, I'm hopefully the only one who might be slightly bugged by this, but Jessie actually appears to be omnipotent in this chapter and the last two. If anyone asks, she's been using shortcuts she found while Slater's girlfriend. I dunno, windows 'n' shit. YimonXXX