"What Side Effects?"
Disclaimer: I do not own 'Xiaolin Showdown' in any way.
Open on the desert. Naked Jack and the bodybuilder stand across from each other. The man continues to hold out the 'Super Creatine' with a big smile. Jack stares at the can and then at the man.
"You're just gonna stand there until I take it, huh?" Jack asks.
"Well, usually, when a bodybuilder like myself offers a drink called 'SUPER Creatine' to a guy of, uh … your size, they immediately take it. No questions asked," the bodybuilder says with a New York accent.
Jack ponders this over as a strong gust of wind blows in next to him, making his flab jiggle.
"Yeah, that's attractive," the bodybuilder mocks. Suddenly, Jack gets an idea.
"Hey, wait a minute! If I drink this stuff … then it'll make me big, right!"
"Geez, this guy's a piece of work," the bodybuilder mumbles. "Yeah, that's right."
"And when I get big … then that hag will finally like my body -- in effect, liking me!"
"Uh … yeah, anyway, part of my job as the 'Super Creatine' spokesman is to explain all the side effects that will happen should you drink the product --"
"I see nothing that could go wrong!" Jack exclaims obliviously.
"I just said –" Jack grabs the can interrupting the bodybuilder and begins to chug it down. The man shrugs in frustration.
"Am I even here? What is this? I don't even know how I got here. I was on my tour bus and my manager said -- he said, "Marty, you look good." And I was, like, whoa. I'm sorry, I don't do that – I'm not lookin' – I don't swing that way. I got a wife – Cheryl – she's home with the kids everyday, helping little Tommy with his Algebra, and I don't –" Jack finishes the drink as Marty continues to ramble. Jack clears his throat which stops Marty from talking.
"So, how long before this stuff kicks in?" Jack asks.
"Yeah, well, first of all, the side effects – I need to explain them if you'll take out the crap wedged in your –" Marty is interrupted again by Jack blowing into the empty can which makes a loud foghorn-type noise.
"All right, you know what? Give me that." Marty grabs the can, but Jack grips onto it tightly.
"Hey, it's mine! I paid for it!" Jack yells pulling it back. Marty's eyebrows rise.
"Paid for it! What – you're standin' here naked in the middle of the freakin' desert! How could you – Give it to me!"
"No!" Jack screams. They both pull on the can real hard as it starts to crush. All of a sudden, muscles on top of muscles grow on Jack. He stares down at his ripped body in wonder. He grins real wide.
"I'll take that!" Jack yells as he quickly jerks back. Suddenly, both of his arms literally fall off his body to the ground. Jack shrieks in shock. "What the hell!"
"Oh, geez!" the bodybuilder exclaims. "That's a first," he mumbles.
"What do you mean, 'that's a first'!"
"Oh, that you hear. Let me take a look at this," the bodybuilder says while bending over to pick up the can. Jack continues to panic.
"Do something!"
"Hey, hey, relax. Geez, I'm tryin' to read. Where's your manners, buddy, huh?" Marty takes out a small pair of reading glasses, puts them on, and examines the back of the can.
"Relax! My arms just fell off!"
"Hey, I don't come to your workplace and flaunt your failures, do I? Geez …" Marty goes back to reading as Jack immediately passes out on the road. The bodybuilder squints at the can and nods.
"Oh, yeah, here it is. 'Side effect(s): loss of arms.' … Well, I could've told you that." Marty squints even more. "Also … there's shrinkage." Marty looks down at Jack who is drooling a bit. "Well, uh, it looks like the damage has already been done long before this stuff, huh?" The bodybuilder chuckles and then goes back to reading the can.
"Actually, I don't this is the right drink. Matter of fact, I think I'm supposed to be sellin' Gatorade."
He then looks up and down the road to see if anybody is coming. Using his foot, he gently rolls Jack off the side of the road and down into a ditch. He picks up Jack's arms and inspects them. He shrugs and uses one of them to scratch his back.
"Ah, that spot's been driving me crazy …" Marty drops the arms on top of Jack. "Thanks for the hand." He laughs to himself as he proceeds to walk down the long, dusty road.
Jack has been passed out for two and a half hours now. The desert sizzles from the intense heat. Jack's naked body is beat red from sun burn. A gang of vultures circle over him. The third hour passes as some hawks peck at Jack's arms while the others continue to circle above. The fourth hour passes as the vultures fly away, and Jack is seen covered in bird poop.
Nearby, a Cadillac drives down the road and eventually reaches to where Jack is. The car pulls to the side and a girl steps out. Her hair's in a ponytail, she's wearing sunglasses, a skirt, a red tank top, and tennis shoes. She approaches him and slides the sunglasses down her nose.
"Jack Spicer!" she yells. Jack instantly wakes up and turns his head to her. He winces in pain due to the sunburn.
"Ow …" Jack says with a dry throat.
"What happened to you! You're … huge!" She looks further down at him. "Though, not where it counts …" she says while shaking her head in disappointment. Jack squints to look at the girl's face. He gasps.
"Katnappé?"
"Well, it's … just Ashley now," she responds. A moment later, Jack passes out again.
Jack wakes up in the hospital, laid up in bed with his arms sowed back on and hanging in slings. He's also covered in bandages. Ashley is sleeping in the chair next to him. Jack stares at her confused. He then looks down at his body and notices he's no longer ripped. That leads to him screaming.
"Where's my muscles!"
The scream wakes up Ashley and makes her fall out of her chair. She gets up and goes to Jack's side.
"Jack, you need to calm down. It'll be ok."
"You don't understand! I had abs, actual biceps and triceps, a toned gluteus maximus –"
"I know, I know. I saw everything," Ashley responds.
"What? Really? … Everything?" Jack asks. Ashley nods. "Including …?"
"Yep …That's a shame," she says while shaking her head in disappointment once more. Jack glances out the window next to his bed, and then looks back at Ashley.
"Please. You've got to help me find the bodybuilder! He's got the stuff that makes me big! You've got to find him … his name's Cheryl or something close to --"
"Ok, ok, but before we do any of that … I invited somebody to see you," Ashley says while smiling. Jack raises an eyebrow.
"Who?"
All of a sudden, the door swings open, and a large woman walks through. She's wearing a pink dress with an assortment of flowers printed on it. She's also wearing a sun hat. Jack gasps deeply.
"Mother!"
"Oh, Jackie, as soon as I heard --" She stops and notices Jack's arms. "What … What is this?" Jack looks up and gasps again. Only his middle finger was on each hand. The vultures gnawed off all the others in the desert.
"Holy sh –"
"Is that how you address your own mother!" she screams as she proceeds to smack Jack across the face again and again. Ashley tries to stifle her laughter.
"This is what I get for traveling half-way around the world to see you!" his mom shrieks as she finishes by hitting Jack across the head.
"Mom, it's not my fault! I was left for dead in the middle of --"
"You know what? We'll talk about this later, Jack." She lets out a deep sigh to compose herself. "Right now, I want you to meet someone." She turns to the door and Jack looks around her. "We met on the plane ride over here …" Walking through the doorway is the bodybuilder wearing a white T-shirt that has "Gatorade" in bold letters printed across it. He comes in holding a bouquet of flowers. Jack opens his mouth in shock.
"We instantly connected, and, well, we're sort of dating now," Jack's mom concludes. The bodybuilder stops at the foot of Jack's bed while Jack continues to have his mouth wide open. The bodybuilder begins to speak.
"What's up, man? I'm --"
"Cheryl!" Jack finishes. The mom and Ashley raise their eyebrows.
"No … his name is Martin. Don't be rude." the mom says. Jack narrows his eyes at the bodybuilder.
"So, you just met her and you're already lying to her, huh? Well, I'm onto you, finger-eater. I won't let you hurt her!" Jack yells just as his mom smacks the back of his head.
"Ow!"
Cut to black.