AN: Sorry about the shortness of this chapter, but I wanted to get it out as soon as I could, since I won't have a lot of other time during the week or weekend. I have my state competition for Science Olympiad. Wish me luck—God knows I will need it, since I suck…
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Chapter 8
"This is just a phase."
Father Dom places a hand on my shoulder while I try to repress the ever-present tears pounding on the inside of my eyelids. I look up at him; Father Dominic smiles his fatherly smile down at me. Suddenly I feel as if it's all going to be okay. I feel as if Susannah will realize that I am the man for her. The man that makes her heart sing—makes her feel alive like no one else. She will realize that I am her other half.
I stare down at my folded hands resting in my lap. My knuckles are oozing blood, but I am numb to the pain.
"Just a phase," I repeat and Father Dom squeezes my shoulder.
"Yes, I truly believe that God has made this happen for a reason. You both will overcome this and it will bring you both closer together. Jesse, I know your heart must be breaking, but you cannot loose faith in yourself, Susannah, your feelings, or God. God knows what is best."
I look up at him—I'm sitting down in one of the hardwood chairs in his office at the Mission, while he's standing in front of me. Father Dominic continues trying to comfort me. "Remember Jesse, God sends hardships to those who he loves the most. He does this to try you, so when you overcome them they make you appreciate your conquest even more. Think about Job." Okay…so I kinda stole that from Philippa Gregory's novel The Constant Princess. Please don't prosecute me.
I shake my head at his reasoning, but slowly it begins to seep into my brain. I must not loose faith, for if I loose that, then I will have lost everything. Father Dom's hand suddenly disappears from my shoulder, and I look up to see myself sitting up in my bed, staring at the walls of my bedroom.
Sinking my face into the palms of my hands, I find my face damp, but I wipe the wetness away with disregard. (De Silva men do not cry.) With a whisper I repeat what Father Dom had said to me in my dream, "Just a phase."
My pessimistic side begs to differ, but I shove it under the rock that is now my heart and then get up and look at the clock: 5:57AM. I figure I just as well get up and take a shower. It's not like I can sleep anyway.
I turn the water on hot and then let it scold my water, washing off all my despair. After my shower I wrap a towel around my waist and go into my kitchen. I pour some cereal into a bowl and then stand there against my kitchen sink and eat it. I just about drop the bowl when Kate materializes in front of me.
"Kate!" I say in surprise.
She looks at me and then blushes. I realize I only have a towel on, but I have to make sure I get some questions answered.
"Kate, why didn't you tell me what happened with Susannah?"
Kate looks down at her feet, while her fingers suffocate themselves. I frown at her and then place my bowl on the counter.
"Ekaterina tell me." Kate looks up at me when I say her full name.
"Oh God. You are just like my father." Then she dematerializes. I try calling her, but she doesn't respond.
Meride.
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I go to my classes in a physical sense, but mentally and emotionally I am far away, contemplating what I should do, feel, think. I filter out my professors voices' and try to remember the last time when I heard Susannah laugh.
After my last class, I wander over to the library and find a table in a corner somewhere. I get out my stuff as if to study, but sleep proves more needed and I slump in my chair and rest my head on the table.
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A gorgeous girl is walking towards me in a jammed, dark bar. I'm sipping a beer in a suit I didn't think I owned. The girl's smile is sultry and I find I just want to jump all over her. She swings her hips and I watch, mesmerized.
"Hi," she says into my ear, while I place a hand on her hip.
"Hey," I say to her. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"What do you think I like to drink?"
"A Sex on the Beach," I say enjoying the look on her face at the provocativeness of the statement.
"Sounds yummy." The girl moves closer to me and smiles up at me. "I'm Jeanie."
The next thing I know, we're in a room that looks like a hotel, and Jeanie and I are making out. Her hands are running through my hair and I'm squeezing her butt. Then my pants are gone, and she's on her knees.
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I awake in a cold sweat and find the sky beyond the windows of the library is dark. I shake my head and try not to think about what I was about to do with that girl in my dream. They are so realistic, and I can feel the emotions throbbing through me when the mood strikes. And I can feel my breath shorten and chest tighten when I feel the lust stir within me.
I furrow my brow at the impure thoughts of women running through my head. I push myself to think about Susannah, and the thought of losing her love for good sobers me. I gather my stuff quickly and leave the library. After tossing my stuff into the backseat of my car, I start the engine and make my way over to the Mission. I park a block away and then walk to the graveyard. I haven't visited in a while—I had been caught up in living life with Susannah.
After I jump the iron-rod gate, I meander through the few rows of tombs, until I come to the heart of the graveyard to my own tomb and Father Dominic's (May he rest in peace). I approach mine first and clean the leaves off of ground, then move onto Father's. I clean his too, and then sit in-between the two stone slates. Sitting Indian-style, I rest my head on my own tomb and close my eyes.
The wind nips my cheeks and I can feel the bright light of the full moon on the outsides of my eyelids. For a moment I see Susannah's face alight in front of me; she's smiling at me. I feel my lips contort into a smile of my own, but then I stop and realize that there is no one to see my smile. I stop, open my eyes, and find Kate sitting next to me—her legs tucked underneath her, while her hair is flowing in the wind. Susannah would be envious since it doesn't seem to knot.
"I'm so sorry, Jesse." I barely hear Kate's apology. Her voice is a little above a whisper you would use in a nursery. I smile over at her.
"I shouldn't have kept information from you. I just…" She pauses as if to try to put her thoughts into words. "I just didn't know how to tell you. You would have been outraged and flown back immediately. You needed to attend this conference. You needed to mingle, rub elbows—"
"—Kate, it's quite alright. And although I was upset; I can understand why you would withhold information like that for my best intentions." I stop and think about all the times I had had Susannah's best interests in mind. I always put her first. I never wanted to loose our precious friendship, even though I had always wanted more. At the time I didn't know if more was possible, but then Susannah went back and saved me. It was truly selfless of her, and I am forever in debt to her, because she gave me the greatest gift of all: a life with her.
But now I don't have her anymore, I think bitterly. A wave of destruction passes over me, and I want to punch a hole through something again. I want to inflict pain on something else. Enough pain to momentarily forget about my own pain, which is forever growing.
I trace the scabs of my wounds on my knuckles idly and stare at the back of a tombstone in front of mine. Kate is quiet, but I can tell she wants to say something. She wants to apologize more. She needs to. I shake my head—my hair brushing across my eyelids.
Suddenly there is a hand on my forearm and I jerk my head around to look at Kate.
"Oh Jesse." She says. "You are hurting so much. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," I say snappishly and then stand up and brush off my shorts even though they aren't dirty. Then I look down at Kate, whose gaze is down. I feel a stab of guilt. She was only trying to help you, as you would have done for her. I roll my eyes. Apologize.
I take her hands and bring her up to her feet. "I'm sorry, Kate." I say and then continue before she can say anything. I'm not feeling up to a 'heart-to-heart' as Susannah calls them. "I am hurting. But I need to just be alone for a while. Can you understand that?"
She nods her head solemnly and my soul clings to her kindness, understanding. I feel as if I should be groveling at her feet. Here I am, no one wants me, I am a used good, and I am hopeless. However, someone is still willing to give me a chance to re-grow, give me space to find my soul and heart again.
After I heal over a little, I will enroll her help. We will find out information on Stephen and I will get Susannah to love me again.
When I look back over in Kate's direction, I see that she is gone. Walking back through the graveyard I have a flashback of my ghost days. Thinking about meeting Susannah for the first time I rub my knuckles again. I am rubbing them when all of a sudden one of the scabs comes off in my fingertips and I wince at the miniscule pain. The scab clings to the little part of my flesh it is still connected to. I pull it off, and blood bubbles up. I stick my knuckle in my mouth, thinking it will ease the pain. So much for medical remedies.
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I awake in the middle of the night from another provocative dream with yet another woman. I sit up in my bed, all of my covers tossed to the floor. My breath is slightly askew and I feel a headache coming on. For a few precious moments all thoughts of Susannah are absent, but then they come back in such violent force, that I am on my knees in an instant.
"Dios por favor," I whisper with my hands clasped together in front of my chest. My eyes are closed and my head tilted upwards. "Please let this be just a phase."
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AN: Grrrr…not sure if this is a good chapter per say, but it has some stuff that I have to put in the story. Plus, I mean, it has the namesake for the story as well. So there's my excuse for a "not-that-good" chapter/ update/ post…whatever you want to call it. Sorry.