Dedication: To, Your Mom
Dear Diary,
It is still Saturday. I got with Snape this morning, but I haven't talked to Neville since then.
I think I might go look for him to tell him the good news! And…maybe some other stuff, if you get my drift.
Currently, I am enjoying a crisp strudel, with a hint of lemon, a dash of cinnamon…and your taste buds pick up a little bit of blueberry; just enough to make you taste the artificially flavored raspberry gel. Also, I detect a hint of Swedish meatballs.
Note to Self: SPEND MORE TIME WITH RON!
Second Note to Self: TAKE GUM OUT OF RON'S EARS. BEEN THERE FOR WEEKS.
Third Note to Self: MAKE TAPERED PANTS FOR RON.
Fourth Note to Self: I DON'T REALLY HAVE A FORTH NOTE TO SELF…EH…RON.
Luv luv, Hermione
"Neville! Just the person I was looking for!" Hermione put down her diary as Neville walked (no…more like thumped) into the common room.
"Really, um…Her…Her…Hermione, is it?" Neville gaped at her shirt, which was unbuttoned halfway to reveal her lacy black Victoria's Secret IPEX bra, which enclosed her generous cleavage. "Is that a Victoria's Secret?" asked Neville.
"Yes, they just inserted one in Hogsmeade, right next to the Shrieking Shack. Ever wonder where the shrieking comes from?" Hermione straddled an armchair and parted her legs (she wasn't wearing underwear…again) and twirled a generous lock of curly auburn hair around her middle finger.
Neville stared on in amazement as he got a little antsy in his pantsy, if you know what I mean. "So would you like a drop of brandy, Hermione A little drop of brandy for the little sex goddess?" Neville pulled a large bottle from his pants.
"Well that explains a lot," Hermione muttered. "Actually, Neville, darling, you MUST be joking. I NEVER, EVER in a million trillion years, have a 'LITTLE DROP' as you so eloquently put it, of brandy." She stood up and sashayed over to him, grabbing the bottle. "I have it all." She put the bottle to her lips and downed it in one gulp.
Neville stared on.
"Oh, sorry, did you want some? Well, there's none left in this bottle so too bad. Do you have another?" Hermione pouted sweetly as Neville produced another bottle out of his pants.
"Sorry, Hermione, I only this bottle of water." Neville looked at it sadly, afraid to part with it.
"Perfect, that's even better," she purred. Hermione grabbed the bottle, unscrewed the cap, and slowly poured it over herself in slow-motion, slowly wagging her head from side to side.
Neville stared on.
"Oh deary me," said Hermione, "it looks like my shirt is see through. I wish to take it off, but my hands are full with these bottles. Could you possibly be a doll and take it off for me please?" Hermione smiled sweetly and held the bottles away from her to give him some room to work.
"Nivguymdnl," said Neville as he got under her arms to take off her sopping see through blouse. As he got it unbuttoned, Hermione dropped the bottles.
"Oops," she said, before whipping off her shirt completely and tackling Neville to the ground.
"Hermione, don't you think that, right here in the common room, people might see us?" questioned Neville as she unbuttoned his pants.
"Oh, no worries," Hermione said, whipping out Harry's invisibility cloak.
"WHOA! Where did you get that invisibility cloak!" Neville exclaimed, partly because he was surprised at Hermione's quick wit and use of cloak and half at her luscious body.
"Oh...um…let's just ignore that, shall we?" Hermione threw the cloak over them, just in time as some first years walked into the room.
Though Hermione tried, however, she was not able to cover a slight bit of Neville that went unnoticed.
"OH MY HIPPOGRIFF!" exclaimed a little girl. "Look! It's a floating penis!"
The rest of them looked on, and Colin Creevey appeared and took a picture to post in the Hogwarts Grind.
Hermione poked her head out of the cloak and glanced at the penis (which wasn't really that big, no need to make such a fuss. I mean, it's just a floating penis for goodness sake.) and the first years.
"I think we need that in here thanks," said her head as she grabbed the penis and stuffed it back in the cloak. "Ta ta!" Her head disappeared.
The first years shrugged and headed down to lunch. They were used to these sorts of things by now. Teenagers are so strange with their hormones and such.
"Now, Neville, where were we?" Hermione smushed her lips against his, both of them fully naked.
10 minutes later, Harry walked in, muttering to himself about his "missing invisibility cloak," when he noticed a chair bumping up against the wall.
Harry stared at it for a moment before exclaiming, "What the fresh hell is this! RON, COME HERE, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!"
Ron entered the room slowly. "What's up, mate? Whoa, neat, a moving chair!" Ron stood wide-eyed.
"Ron, have you seen my invisibility cloak?" Harry scratched his penis.
"No, have you seen Neville and Hermione? I haven't seen them for ten minutes. Should we call Dumbledore? Scotland Yard? The Ministry of Magic? The Quidditch Team!" Ron jumped around waving his arms.
"Nope, haven't a clue,' said Harry, as a loud cry of "Oh Neville, your penis! Unghhh!" was heard from near the chair.
The moaning sound was heard for all of one minute while Harry and Ron started at the chair.
"Oh my Godric Gryffindor's Penis! That chair is haunted!" Harry yelled quietly.
"And what does it have against Neville's penis? It's really nothing special—I have a picture of it in my diary." Ron shrugged.
Harry looked at Ron. "Ron, stop being so queer."
"Sorry mate, right, so let's go grab ourselves some chocolate strawberries, because they really get you in the mood." Ron headed out of the portrait hole.
"I want a side of penis cake!" Harry yelled as he followed Ron out the door. "Did you know that penis cake is actually made from fresh papaya? You think they have it in the Great Hall? If not, I know it's a House Elf delicacy."
4 minutes later, Hermione and Neville were lying side by side under the cloak. Neville had a huge smile on his face and was panting really hard after burning off 360 calories.
The first years re-entered the common room.
"Oh my fluffy penis!" screamed the little first year girl again. "Look, a floating vagina!" She pointed in the corner by the chair, as Colin snapped away.
"ARGHGFLRFYHGBN!" Hermione let out an angry primal scream and the first years screamed and ran away.
"HAUNTED VAGINA!" They yelled as they ran around in circles bumping into random chairs. One of the boys started to undo his pants.
"WHOA! Hold it right there, Günter!" The screaming first year girl slapped him. "You only do that with me!" Silently, Günter buttoned up his pants and sat down.
"Well, you know you can't tell anyone, mate." Hermione patted Neville's head as he started to get dress. "Or else I'll have Snape stab you in the heart with a pitchfork." She smiled sweetly at him.
Neville looked on, frightened at her naked form. Now that he was fully dressed, he popped out of the cloak. "Right," he said.
Hermione stood up and draped the cloak over her shoulders.
The first years stared in awe at her naked bod.
"What?" Hermione put her hand on her hip. "You ain't never seen a naked woman before?" They shook their heads. "Oh…well, now you have." She sauntered towards the girls dormitories.
"Oh, and Neville," she said, and he turned around. "You don't have to write that essay for Snape. I handled it, luv." She winked at him and headed up the stairs, since it was now 2:37 PM.
"To-Do" List:
Harry–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10
Snape—Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10
Neville—Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! -654/10