Dedicated to our favorite man-whore and loyally faithful reader…A.K.A PPQ.

Dear Diary,

So I just back from helping Neville with his homework. He really appreciated it. He just wanted more and more help, but I just couldn't push myself any farther. He needs to learn to stand on his on two feet and live without me.

Anyways, I still have a full day ahead of me. There are people to do, places to go with them. And I still need to spend time with Ronald…and make him those tapered pants…

Luv luv, Hermione

Hermione had just finished showering and was leaving the bathroom heading outside toward Hagrid's hut and the pumpkin patch. Her white shirt was still wet and see-through, and she had no underwear on.

As she walked towards the pumpkin patch, she saw a tall, skin-headed boy bent over one of the large round vegetables. As she got closer, she saw him caressing the pumpkin, murmuring to himself, "Yeah baby, come on, come on." The way his hands slid over the large orange vegetable really turned her on.

"Hello there, stranger. I haven't seen you around these parts before." Hermione went up to the boy and straddled a pumpkin, her skirt completely open and ready for public-viewing.

"Yeah," he said, openly peeking into her skirt, "I come her often. There's just something about the orange, and the roundness, that's so magical…"

"Well, aside from the part that this is a school for magic, I think that's wonderful." Hermione leaned down into this face, thrusting her basoomas upon him. "But I think you need something more than pumpkins."

"I'm Ben," he said, thrusting his hand into her face. "Nice to meet you. Really." He smiled at her suggestively.

"Hi, I'm Hermione. Would you like to meet me back here in five minutes?" Hermione squeezed his thigh.

"Sure. I spend all my time here; I have nowhere I've got to be…No life practically. I just kind of live in this daze where I dream about things but nothing ever--"

"Ok, I get it," Hermione snapped. "Just stay here, I'll be right back."

Five Minutes Later

"Hubba hubba!" Ben screamed when he saw Hermione. He quickly leapt up from his perch atop a pumpkin and raced over to meet her.

Hermione was dressed head-to-toe in full nurse theme. She had on a tiny little nurse suit, most of the buttons open, and a cute little hat with a red cross on it. Her lips were bright red, and her hair was blonde and curly. "Do you want to play doctor, Benny boy? You can be the gynecologist, I can be the patient."

Ben looked deep in thought for a quick moment. "What's that?" He asked after a pause. "Plus, I don't have any equipment with me."

"Who cares what it is! And you have all the equipment you need…right here." Hermione looked him straight in the eye as she grabbed his nether parts.

"Have you ever been all the way before?" She asked, massaging his pants.

"Well, there was this one time at a neighborhood picnic…we were playing manhunt, and there was this girl Miranda on my team. She's my grandfather's granddaughter. It got pretty steamy. We were laying down in some random person's yard behind a garden. There was a bit of below waist activity, but no farther than that. But we got interrupted before taking off our clothes because this girl on the other team walked by and wanted to join in. However, it was too hard for me to decide because I need a specified point of concentration, so I declined and we left. I got her number though."

Hermione nodded sympathetically. "I don't care about your stupid moment of glory. It's probably not even true." She grabbed him by the belt and pulled him closer.

Ben nodded in agreement; his moment really wasn't all that great. Then he realized what Hermione was after, so he took off all his clothes and stood naked in the pumpkin patch.

"I like it rough," he said with a promiscuous wink, "but we can start off slow and sensual. You seem decently attractive."

"DECENTLY!" Hermione shrieked. "I am the epitome of perfection! My body rivals that of a goddess!" Hermione threw her arms around him and dug her nails into his back. "Now let's play doctor, babe."

"Good good. I'm ready to stab you with my needle…" He pulled her the ground, one hand in Hermione's unmentionable cavern and one hand on a pumpkin.

Exactly 23 minutes later, the two pulled apart, Ben moaning in glorious ecstasy and Hermione sighing, disgruntled.

"Excellent!" Ben grinned and grabbed Hermione's boob.

"Hands off the merchandise, pally! Your time has expired!" Hermione stood up and brushed the dirt and bits of pumpkin that had splattered everywhere after Ben had gotten a little too excited and smashed a pumpkin.

"You were WAY better than Miranda!" Ben grinned happily as he pulled on his Nets jersey and plaid Bermuda shorts.

"I know. I am better than everyone." Hermione yawned. "I've done better, anyways."

"Alright. Well I'll just be heading back to Hufflepuff now. Would you help me carry this pumpkin back? It'd a biggie." Ben wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Yeah, it's a biggie all right, unlike some things I could mention..." Hermione mumbled under her breath.

"So you'll help me?" He grinned as he put his arms around half the pumpkin.

Hermione whirled to face him, her eyes alight a fiery. "What! All I do is give and give and give, and what do I get! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. No, I will not help you carry your fucking pumpkin! Go find some queer to help you!" Hermione stormed off angrily, leaving Ben alone with the pumpkins that were so dear to him.

"So I'll see you around then?" Ben called.

"NO." Hermione yelled, then pointed her wand at him and turned him into a pumpkin.

"Hermione! What did yer do that for?" Hagrid said, noticing Hermione's transfiguration.

"Don't worry, he'll be happier that way," Hermione said, stalking off.

"Oh great," Hagrid mumbled as Hermione headed up the hill, "that's another pumpkin I have to take special care of….Oh, I know what ter do! I'll take the pumpkin ter see the new Scarlett Johansen film!" He said happily as he went to get the pesticide.

"To-Do" List:

Harry–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

Snape—Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10

Neville—Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! -654/10

Ben—Check. Not horrible, but definitely not great. He was just my quickie; I had nothing else to do. Too many pumpkins. And orange is SO not my color. 4/10