From caitgraz: We know you have all been requesting Malfoy, and this is his chapter. Honestly, we were going to Do him. Did you really think we wouldn't? But we had to wait for the proper moment in the plot…

Dear Diary,

So now it's 4:00 PM on Saturday afternoon. My day is quite busy! I have a full schedule, and I've already helped Snape, Neville, and this kid Ben get their work done. It was very productive and they thanked me within an inch of their measly lives.

Though it has been fun mucking around and whatnot, I do believe it is time to get down to business. Today, I start on my path of goodness that will help me achieve my goal. Oh, sweet times are ahead, Captain…

Luv luv, Hermione

Hermione smiled as she sat down to lunch with Ron and Harry. "Hey there, Ron, darling, how was your day? And yours too, Harry dear." Hermione put her hand in Ron's lap and started feeling him up.

"Holy cow turds that's invigorating!" Ron jumped up.

"Ouch!" Hermione faked. "Gee thanks Ron, now I have a leg cramp! I need to take a walk." She stood up angrily. "And I need to hike up my skirt so my poor leg can get a healing breeze."

"But Hermione," said Harry, always looking out for her best interests, "you haven't even touched your supper!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and took a bite out of the roasted pig that was on the table. Now its nose was gone. "There, happy?" She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and got up and headed to the Slytherin table.

"Hey there, Malfoy," she said seductively. "Do you have any…er, pig nose left? We seemed to have run out of it." Hermione leaned over onto the table to expose a bit of her generous cleavage.

"Shut it, Mudblood. We don't have any pig noses for you here, do we lads?" Malfoy chortled with his pals.

Hermione sighed and grabbed the pig nose and shoved it in Malfoy's pants. "I know you like to play dirty, so would you like to join my playpen?"

Malfoy started up at her and down at the pig nose in his pants. "Oy, lads, I need to use the little gentleman's room. Talk to you later, eh?" Silently, he got up and followed Hermione out of the Great Hall.

A few minutes later, the two were up in Malfoy's dorm room.

"So, Hermione, why the sudden change of heart?" Malfoy sat down on a bed, fell off, and then got back on, blushing, and pleasantly conjured a rose. "A rose for the most beautiful girl in school," he said, handing it to her.

"Gee thanks," Hermione grabbed the rose and chucked it over her shoulder. "So, here's the deal, and I'm gonna be completely honest with you: I want to have a relationship with you behind Ron's back and I want to vacation with you in your second home in France, by all those nude beaches I've heard so much about."

"Uhm, I'm not sure…" Malfoy pouted his lips and stroked his hair back as he thought about her demand.

Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled off her shirt. Malfoy's eyes widened, and he was quick to say yes.

"Heck yes I would go out with you behind Ron's back and take you to my second home in France with all the nude beaches you've heard so much about."

"Good. Now, let's do something to get our relationship on a roll." Hermione took off her skirt and sandals and magicked Draco's clothes off.

"Whoa! Didn't see that coming!" Malfoy put his hands on his hips, proud to display his crown jewels for all they were worth….which was nothing.

Hermione jumped his bones and tackled him to the floor. A few minutes later, Hermione said, between fervent kisses of passion, "Let's move this up a notch, shall we?" Malfoy nodded and the two moved up to a bed.

The two managed to get under the sheets and have a pleasant romp before the sounds of the other boys could be heard on the stairwell.

"Oh my Helga Hufflepuff's vagina!" Malfoy screeched and jumped up just as the boys entered the room.

All the chatter died down suddenly as the other boys took in the scene: Malfoy was standing naked, and Hermione was in the bed, no bothering to hold the sheet to her chest.

"This isn't what it looks like," Malfoy started.

"Yes it is," Hermione snapped, standing and wrapping her arms around Malfoy. "You lads don't mind if we continue on, do you?"

They all shook their heads, and one of them screamed, "Get Colin Creevey in here!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled Malfoy back into the bed.

The other boys settled down to watch, and one of them got out some pumpkin juice and some chocolate frogs.

"What! What's going on?" Colin suddenly burst into the room, camera in hand.

The boys cheered and one of them grabbed Colin and helped him point his camera at the action.

Colin grinned madly and pointed his camera, recording everything.

22.3 hours later, all the spectators had fallen asleep, and Malfoy was snoring softly.

Hermione, however, was on her back, staring at the canopy above the bed, which had a pinup of a naked Gilderoy Lockhart holding a whip on it.

Quietly, Hermione got up and walked o Malfoy's trunk, her naked curves shining in the moonlight. When she began rummaging, Malfoy sat up with a start.

"What are you doing!" Malfoy screeched.

"Oh Drakiekins, do not fear! I am just going through your private belongings for a picture of your father." Hermione pulled one out at looked at it. It was a nice picture. The Malfoys had been vacationing in Sweden, so Mr. Malfoy only had on a Speedo. Malfoy, however, was wearing a pink plaid kilt with black fishnets and white patent leather tap shoes. He was also bare-chested, but he had a rainbow painted on his left nipple.

Hermione held up the picture. "Drakiekins, what do you have to say about this?"

"Oh," Malfoy whispered, "that was my gay stage."

Hermione looked at him. "No, I meant the absence of your mother, Malnutrition."

Draco looked at her. "Her name's Narcissa," he said, "and she was getting a lower-body massage from the pool boy Esteban that day."

"Oh, really, Drakiekins? Is there any problem with their relationship? Is there a divorce in the works? A sudden dose of food poisoning, perhaps?"

"No, their relationship is fine…my mother constantly thanks God for Esteban, though." Malfoy scratched his nipple.

"Oh," Hermione said innocently. "That's too bad. Now, why don't you go back to sleep, Drakiekins?" She blew Malfoy a kiss.

"Ok." Malfoy's head immediately hit the pillow with a "pfft" sound as he fell back to sleep.

Hermione glanced down at the picture in her hand, smiling to herself. "Perfect," she whispered, stroking Lucius Malfoy's face with her finger.

"To-Do" List:

Harry–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

Snape—Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10

Neville—Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! -654/10

Ben—Check. Not horrible, but definitely not great. He was just my quickie; I had nothing else to do. Too many pumpkins. And orange is SO not my color. 4/10

Malfoy—Check. Pretty good. Decent bod. Posse is too large, though. Father is SMOKING! Now I can carry on with my goal… 7.1/10