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MY MIND, MY HUMANITYEvery fight.
Every single fight lasted a lifetime. Not literally but when you were swinging punches. Hitting and fighting and bleeding.
You could think during a fight. Most people think that you have to concentrate on every move you make, be tactful but once you got to be as good as Abby was… well it was just clock work really.
You could zone out and be a million miles away but you had to trust your body. Believe that your muscles knew what they were doing and run with that feeling.
That's why chasing down familiars was almost relaxing and mediative. Almost. During training you were aware of your body. Abby had to think about each punch and each kick every single time she repeated it. She had to memorise the techniques and program her body to react instinctively with flawless precision.
But by the time Abby had started hunting she knew it. So she let her mind wander.
It was self-preservation because she enjoyed it. She liked hitting and the violence and the flooding aggression. She had a place in this world but so many times she wondered if she was becoming one of the monsters. What separated her from them? Killing vampires was different. She could enjoy slaying them and feeling guiltless but it didn't apply to familiars. Why?
Because they were human!
Oh sure she knew they deserved it but the fear in their eyes. The fear of death because who wasn't afraid of death? Most people were. She was. They were human.
Block, kick, hit.
Her face scrunched and she let out a grunt but that was just her body. No body was home, Abby wasn't home. She needed to feel dispassionate and detached. She couldn't get off on their feelings of fear because then she was a monster. Blade knew he was a monster. He could kill the familiars with out a twitch because he accepted himself. Could hunt the monsters and hate yourself. Not if you were half what they were. Left no energy left for distributing justice.
King had been a true monster so he knew the difference. He would tell her that just because she embraced the aggression that didn't make her a monster. He had been a monster and he knew that what they were now wasn't monstrous. But Abby would never confide in him. Not about her failing humanity. That wasn't what she did.
And she was scared that he might look at her like he looked at the monsters. Maybe he would never understand. It was what scared her more than anything. Not that you'd know it. Looking at her. She rarely showed deep emotions. No emotions that would prove her vulnerable. She could count the times she had on one hand. More like two fingers. Because that's all there was. Twice she let down her guard.
When they slaughtered her family
When she held Summerfield, dead, in her arms.
Knowing that Zoe didn't have a mum. That she was going to be it for her. She had a little girl depending on her. That didn't seem right. She could smile for Zoe and glare at King when he annoyed her but what was that?
She wasn't as cold as Blade. Not as stoic. But she didn't think he was repressing the multitudes of feelings and thoughts as she was.
She'd thought about suicide once. She killed a young woman. She had screamed and screamed. Abby was drenched in her blood. And she had enjoyed the feeling of retribution. Hurting that woman was hurting the vamps. A great fuck you to their system. It had been just after her family had died. But soon the smell of blood overwhelmed her and the very stillness of death shocked her. It wasn't even her first kill. Not her first vamp kill anyway. It was the first time she had taken out a familiar. There was only dust with vamps. Nice and clean. Not like the woman's corpse. A hunk of meat on the ground.
She had climbed up he stairs of the building and looked over the edge. Staring at the vast expanse of air below her. How easy it would be to rid the world of another monster. Rid the world of herself. The moment only lasted a little while. The desire to end herself fleeting. She had never considered dying again. But she feared getting to the stage where guilt over whelmed her.
But she was strong. She recognised that in herself. Tough and strong but it came at a price. She killed familiars now. But sometimes when there was a lot of blood, a lot of screaming, she would sit on the bottom of her shower and shake.
Side step, duck, stab, scream… not too much blood.
Ageon had been a surprise. She reacted to him like she used to react to boys in high school. Silly little crushes and blushing when they mad eye contact. She remembered her first boyfriend. He had been lovely and beautiful. But it hadn't lasted, like so many first relationships, it had ended. But they were fond memories for Abby. A time where it was safe to clearly care for someone. She had given up a lot of things since becoming a vampire hunter.
Iaz was nothing like her though. How the siblings stood each other. Iaz was filled with that righteous rage. No chance of her being a monster. She was loud and strong and emotive. Colourful. That was a strange word to use. Not a very good adjective. She wasn't as good as Abby was. No chance. But she was safer. Safer in her on mind and just as comfortable with herself as Blade was… as King was. As Ageon was? Was Ageon scared for his humanity? Is that why he didn't fight? Abby closed herself off but what if Ageon couldn't and just stopped fighting. Maybe Abby could talk to him and he could convince her she wasn't a monster. She need to think she wasn't a monster.
Take a hit, fight back, dodge, was that a vamp?… where the hell was Blade?
This reflection was taken moments. Time seemed to slow down in a fight. Like when a car is heading towards you at full speed. You know that it's going to hit you, probably kill you, and there is no way to get out of the way. That full minute stretches out and it goes so slow. If time was actually travelling at the speed they were perceiving then they would have ample time to move out of the way. But it's just an illusion.
Just like the pretty face Abby was fighting. He was handsome. But he was just an illusion. In reality he was a dead, blood-sucking vamp. Had they moved that far into the building that the vampires could walk around? Where was Blade? They were supposed to be questioning familiars but they never stopped fighting. They had been forced to kill them.
Finally a vampire. Abby let herself flood to the surface. He was the one who had killed her family. Probably wasn't actually but that's what she thought. He was the one who had done it. She let herself enjoy every once of pain she inflicted on him. And when he burst into ashes she walked right through them. Walked through his freakin remains. He was already dead though. Newly dead but dead all the same. They were so easy to permanently kill when they had only been vamps for a couple of years.
Giery wouldn't be so easy. He would probably kill them first. Blade had tensed at hearing his name. Giery. What a silly name! Another familiar. Barely a man. What was he doing mixed up in the vamps but he was defending them so Abby defended herself.
He died so easily. She didn't care. She withdrew herself immediately. Didn't enjoy it, didn't mourn it… just did it!
Another familiar. Jesus! Where were the vamps? Abby wanted and needed the vamps. She was tired of bottling it up. Of containing it!
Dead. Two kicks, one stab and dead! Didn't even land a hit. Poor bastard. No! She wouldn't start thinking.
Another vampire. Thank you fucking god. It's about time. Abby allowed everything she was feeling to pour into her body. She kicked his legs out from underneath him as he charged. Every time he got close enough to sink his teeth into her she brought him down. She had left her silver stake back with the other Vampire. She made a mental note to pick it up before she left. Silver stakes didn't come cheap, even capped ones.
She managed to get her bow out and active. A sundog in the tip would bring and end to the vampire. She just had to get away to fire it. She used the tome nage. Reminded her of those cheesy kung fu movies. It was effective though. She aimed and fired before he even got up. She was getting quick. Quicker than the vamps.
How long had they been in the building. Four minutes! That all happened in four minutes! She thought she heard Blade yell. She moved towards the sound. Someone cut her off.
Another goddamn familiar.
Abby drew a knife and slashed it across his throat. She nicked a vein. He didn't die.
He fell to his knees spluttering, blood gushing. It was all over her. He was going to bleed to death. One bad life decision could put you here. One decision to serve the vamps put you on your knees bleeding to death. She was thinking about it.
Who was he? Did he have a family? Did he serve the vamps out of greed for money or power, or had they threatened him. Threatened the ones he loved. No! Abby's mind yelled at her. Don't think about him. Just get up an walk away and for fucks sake don't let the blank face slip away.
He had blue eyes. They were wide with fear. Fear. He knew he was dying. He could see it happening. Like the car crash. Abby was the car. The fear and power flooded her. Made her a god that could affect life and death.
Abby stumbled back. First guilt and then the enjoyment. Feeling empowered and retributed watching the man die was worse than caring. It was hideous monstrous. His blood was all over her. Why wasn't he dying faster? More importantly, why wasn't she moving on? She had heard Blade yell out, maybe calling her name. Her thoughts made no sense. She was thinking different things to what she had started in the fight. Why goddamnit?
She couldn't leave him like this.
Out of pity she mauled his throat again. More efficiently. He was defiantly dead. The remorse was easier to deal with than blood lust. Made more sense. Forgave her her actions… most of the time.
Dripping in blood she wondered why couldn't she let the guilt hit her every time? Remind her she was human. Because then she couldn't do it at all and if she didn't who would. Blade? King? The Death Twins? The war was too big and they needed all the warriors they could get.
His blood was warm on her. Blade was in the doorway. Twisting the arm of a familiar. Abby looked up. She reigned her mind in. she could think about this later, shaking on the shower floor.
She stared at Blade with empty eyes.
"Where the hell have you been?"
AN: a reviewer said that I was taking Abby's qualities and giving them to Iaz, and maybe I was, so I wrote this chapter to distinguish the two characters. And plus the deeper look into Abby's mind was fun and interesting. Please please review. This chapter is set in a ten minute time frame, approximately.
MD666