Disclaimer: I own nothing of this show.
Ten Thousand Times
It begins to snow.
He lays in bed and looks out the window taking in the falling flakes as they seemed to come down directly onto the diner.
It wasn't in the forecast.
Another one missed by the weathermen.
Another first snow.
Another sleepless night.
She wouldn't miss it though.
She knew it was coming.
She'd be happy.
Her magical snow.
Good things must be happening for her now.
He wondered if she would drag Christopher out of bed to experience a magical snow with her?
He wondered if she would explain its' significance to him?
He wondered if he'd share her enthusiasm about it, unlike him.?
He wondered if he already knew what he knew about snow?
Her friends were here.
Maybe, he should get up and walk in it for a moment, and say hello to her friends.
Why did he think that?
Maybe it was somehow he could be closer to her.
Maybe he just wanted to relive good memories of a better time.
Maybe he needed some magic in his life.
Maybe the snow would become magical for him.
Maybe because he had a long ride ahead of him today, and needed to wake up.
Maybe.
He should get up and get ready.
He switched on the bed lamp, then he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
It had been months since he'd seen her.
Months since she'd begged and flirted for coffee.
Months since he'd seen her smile.
Months of hurt and emptiness.
Months.
A random encounter on the street.
Congratulations on her wedding.
A quick thank you.
He had to get away.
"You make me feel like I'm not worth anything to anybody...and I really don't like that feeling".
He hoped he hurt her as bad as she hurt him.
He hoped her life was miserable.
He hoped he mad her feel as worthless as she made him feel.
He hoped he made her cry.
He hoped she was o.k.
He got up and went to the bathroom to get ready.
He shaved regularly now.
He wore something other than flannel shirts and jeans sometimes.
He went without his cap quite a bit now, but he'd wear it today.
"I slept with Christopher", he remembered.
He couldn't hurt her anywheres near as bad as she hurt him.
At least the townsfolk still liked him.
They still came in and smiled and made small talk.
They genuinely seemed to like April too.
Lorelai's name never came up though.
It was probably a good idea.
He still asked about Rory though and they enthusiastically told him what they knew.
They knew he'd appreciate it, and he did.
He came out of the bathroom and began to heat up some water for tea.
He looked out the window at the square and then toward the gazebo.
The snow had turned to sleet.
It must be cold out, he should warm up the truck.
He walked to the closet and noticed that April had left her jacket there.
I'm sure she has another at home, he thought.
April.
The daughter from left field.
Secretly hidden from him for years.
Hidden because Anna thought he didn't want children.
Hidden because she thought he'd be a bad father.
How could he be a bad father when he worshiped his own father?
He had his role model.
The one he still mourns to this day.
April.
The one he secretly hid from Lorelai.
Hidden because he wanted a relationship with her.
Hidden because he was afraid.
Hidden because he was ashamed.
Hidden because he was not all in.
The bone of contention between them.
The one they fought over.
The one that caused the breakup?
No.
Lorelai was not all in either.
She was the one that hid her dealings with Christopher.
She was the one that lied.
She was the one to issue the ultimatum.
She was the one who cheated.
She was the one that didn't want him.
She was the one who ended it.
He shut her out though.
He didn't tell her immediately.
He wasn't up front and honest.
He should have let her in.
He would have listened to her and followed her advice.
Why did he do it that way?
Why did he let her walk away?
She ran to Christopher.
He could give her all the things she wanted.
He could give her romantic getaways.
He could give her expensive jewelry and cars.
He could give her the relationship she wanted.
Christopher could give her her family back.
He couldn't do all that.
He could only fix a broken sink for her.
He could only give her homemade jewelry and second hand engagement rings.
He could only give her flowers.
He could only pour her coffee and serve her burgers, pie and donuts.
He could only give her the things she wanted to do.
That was all he had to give.
He finishes his tea and goes down and starts the truck.
He scrapes some ice from the windshield and gets back in.
He pulls out and starts driving.
He hopes he remembers the directions he was given.
He hopes he doesn't get lost, but he was lost.
He was alone and drifting without her.
She was the one that gave him direction.
Her smile was the sun that lit up his day.
He should have told her he loved her.
He should have told her he loved her smile.
He should have told her he loved her laugh.
He should have told her he loved her coffee drinking.
He should have told her he loved her for loving him.
He should have told her he loved her ten thousand times.
He pulls onto the interstate and thinks:
I hope the snow was magical for Lorelai.
It begins to rain.
A/N: Obviously not a one shot.
I want to thank all those that reviewed the last chapter. Very kind. Very encouraging.
I hope you like this one as well.
I hear Vince Gill singing in the background.
Why do I
Choose the things I choose
Why do I
Always find some lame excuse
Why do I
Not realize what I could lose.
Oh, I wish I knew the reason why.
Why do you
Get that sad look on your face
Why do you
Pull away from my embrace
Why do you
See all my faults and mistakes
Oh, I wish you knew the reason why.
Why do we treat each other like we do
It's like we never even tried.
Why can't we get back to the love we knew
Oh why oh baby why.
Thanks for reading again.
CFN