Mckay had been speaking for the past half an hour and Sheppard was getting ready to give himself a lobotomy with the pencil he had in front of him. It was bad enough that his level of concentration seemed to be permanently compromised these days; he didn't need this boring meeting to send him into a coma. Mckay continued to talk, hands gesticulating wildly, and pausing every now and then to shoot Sheppard daggers. He was obviously still angry about Sheppard's earlier affront.

"So, we're still looking at the devices we found on Mx-"

Sheppard scanned the faces at the table. Elizabeth was listening attentively, her hands crossed in her lap comfortably and Teyla and Ronon had their eyes trained on him but he suspected neither of them were really listening.

Sheppard bought his hand up and started to mimic Mckay talking with his hand. Teyla caught his eye line and chuckled softly. When he noticed Elizabeth look in his direction he placed his hand back down and tried to look as though he was listening.

He forced himself to listen, the words not really reaching him, the hand movements lost on him in his strange frame of mind.

Sheppard and Stark had boarded the private jet and had sat down opposite one another. The plane started the take off procedures and eased into a leisurely climb, the clouds passing by the window in a blur. He missed the feel of the Jumpers and being the one on control.

Once they had levelled out Sheppard leant forward in his chair, "These men that are MIA. Do they have any idea where they might be?"

Stark regarded him with narrowed eyes and closed the file he had been reading on his lap, "Let's get this straight Sheppard. This is not a search and rescue mission."

Sheppard swallowed convulsively to equalise the pressure in his ears and wondered whether he had heard right, "So, Sir," he said with special emphasis, "What is the mission?"

Stark looked out of the window briefly as he ordered his thoughts, "Seek and destroy." He paused and watched Sheppard's reaction.

"If it's a hive ship, you realise the resulting explosion of destroying it will likely kill thousands of innocents?"

Stark nodded, "We're protecting our interests. If a few of the enemy get caught in the cross fire it's an acceptable loss."

Sheppard felt his stomach clench in anger and decided to try a different tact, "I don't understand why I've been called out here, surely Mckay would be bet-"

"I'm not sure why you've been called out here either," said Stark with a smile, "but it would appear on paper, you're most qualified. You've escaped hive ships before-"

"And only just made it out," Sheppard clarified.

Stark interlaced his fingers and sat forwards, "There won't be room for failure this time either."

Sheppard suddenly snapped his head up on realising that Mckay had asked him a question and looked to the other members of the debriefing for support. It seemed that everyone was content to see him suffer. He looked up at Mckay, "I'm sorry. I…wasn't listening," he admitted much to his detriment.

Mckay sighed, "Are you going for a record?" He crossed his arms over his chest, "I don't know why I bother."

"My mind just drifted for a second," defended Sheppard. "Ask me again."

"No," said Mckay. He jutted his chin out pointedly.

"Oh come on," said Sheppard, "Devices from MX…" he paused. He couldn't even remember what planet Mckay had been talking about. "MX4832."

"You just made that up!" Mckay said.

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth dropped her hands down onto the table, "Is there a problem I should know about?"

"No," said Sheppard as he kept his eyes firmly on Mckay.

"Yes," said Mckay. He started to gather up the files off the table and the device he had been showing them.

"Okay," said Elizabeth, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," said Sheppard, "Right Rodney?"

"He's been weird ever since he came back," said Mckay, "Not sleeping, being distracted…it's getting annoying. You know, this is the second time he's zoned out on me today?" He cradled his files against his chest and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Elizabeth as she got up from her chair.

"I'm going to go down to my lab and do some constructive work."

"Rodney, come on. I'm listening now. You have my undivided attention, I promise."

"No," said Mckay and he walked out of the room.

"Okay," said Elizabeth rubbing her eyes wearily, "We'll continue this later."

Teyla and Ronon got up slowly and started to vacate the room throwing glances back over their shoulders as they went.

Sheppard pushed his chair back with a sound like nails on a chalkboard and got up.

"Not you," said Elizabeth. She closed the briefing room doors and turned back to her 2IC, "What's going on with you?"

Sheppard looked down at the floor innocently, "Nothing."

"John?" she met his eyes, her mouth formed into a tight line, her arms crossing over her chest loosely. She's never been very good at reading him, but on this particular occasion she could tell that he was lying.

"I admit. I've been a little distracted since getting back."

"Is this to do with your time on earth?" Her face was etched with concern as she spoke in a soft voice.

Sheppard nodded.

"I understand that you can't talk to me about it, but perhaps you could talk to Doctor Heightmeyer. Everything you say to her is confidential."

"I know," he said absent-mindedly tapping his fingers on the desk, "I'm not so sure that it would help." He looked down at his left hand and his still taped fingers and felt a flush of anger.

"Would you consider talking to Carson? If you're not sleeping he might be able to prescribe you something to help."

Sheppard licked his lips thoughtfully.

"Come on," she said as she opened the doors.

"Where are we going?"

"The infirmary. If you won't go by yourself then it looks like I'm going to have to escort you."

He followed her out into the control room and scanned the faces that were watching them, "Elizabeth," he said as he jogged to catch up with her. He could feel the discomfort in his foot flaring up with each step.

"John," she said keeping her voice low as she continued and he fell into step beside her, "I need my Commanding Officer to be on the ball. If concentration is a problem for you at the moment then-"

"What are you saying? That I'm a liability?" His eyebrows drew together. He knew he'd spent an inordinate amount of time lately daydreaming and thinking of past events but he certainly wasn't putting the base in jeopardy.

"Yes," she said as she walked faster, "I want this dealt with. Talk to Carson or I put you on light duty."

Sheppard sighed, "Fine."

---------------------

Beckett was just walking through the infirmary when Elizabeth and Sheppard entered. Sheppard had a guilty look on his face and Elizabeth's usual calm demeanour was laced with obvious agitation.

"Carson," she said as she gave Sheppard a tentative prod towards him.

"What's going on?" asked Beckett as he guided Sheppard over to an infirmary bed, "Is your foot giving you pain?"

Sheppard winced and scrunched his face up. Beckett looked at him confused.

"What's wrong with his foot?" Elizabeth asked as she moved over to the bed. She examined Sheppard's face closely for a clue but he was a master at neutrality.

"You didn't tell her?" said Beckett with an exasperated sigh.

Sheppard hopped up onto the bed, "I was going to tell her."

"Tell me what?"

Sheppard sat up on the bed pulling his legs up and stretching them out onto the mattress. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable. He was sure he could feel the tension growing in the room's atmosphere.

"Colonel Sheppard…. accidentally shot himself in the foot." Beckett shoved his hands into his lab coat pocket and watched the range of emotions that crossed Elizabeth's face.

"What?" She asked in disbelief.

"It was an accident," said Sheppard refusing to open up his eyes and face her.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I was going to," he defended.

"I'm sure you were," said Elizabeth, "How bad was it?"
"It was just a graze," said Beckett seeing Sheppard was clearly suffering.

"It wasn't a big deal," Sheppard said, finally opening his eyes and meeting her gaze.

"How did you even do that?"

"My side arm discharged and-"he stopped talking, "It's embarrassing enough. Can't we leave it at that?"

"Carson I would have expected to be told about this," Elizabeth said feeling betrayed.

"I'm only supposed to disclose injuries which would affect his work. It was a graze and he can walk on it fine." He flushed red.

"Blame me, not Beckett," said Sheppard.

"So why are you here now?" asked Beckett drawing attention away from all of their misgivings.

"Evidently, his lack of concentration. He hasn't been sleeping," said Elizabeth.

Sheppard felt like a child having somebody speak for him. He decided to own up, "I've had trouble dropping off at night. I'm just too wired too sleep."

"Okay, well, I can prescribe you some light sedatives to help you get on your way at night," said Beckett as he tore his eyes away from Elizabeth. She was quiet, lips pursed together tightly, and eyes darkened by a restrained anger.

"If you come back tonight I can administer you some."

"Okay, sounds good," said Sheppard hooking his legs over the edge of the bed.

"If that doesn't work you could always try talking about whatever's bothering you."

"I already suggested that," said Elizabeth.

"If I can't tell you what's going on with me then I don't want to tell Heightmeyer," said Sheppard and he dropped down to the floor.

Elizabeth had to admit that she was touched by the thought, but all the same, she needed her damaged Commanding Officer fixed.

--------------------------------

Sheppard entered Mckay's lab and found him sprawled forward on his desk, snoring lightly, and drool escaping the corner of his mouth.

"Eww!" Sheppard pulled a face and silently walked over to a table where devices had been strategically laid out.

He put his hands on his hips and looked back at Mckay. Keeping his eyes on the scientist he slowly reached out and waited for a reaction. He accidentally knocked over a lamp and as he scrambled to get it back upright he looked back over to Mckay.

Nothing was going to wake that man.

He picked up one of the round devices, stared at it inquisitively, and watched with a puzzled expression as it started to light up.

"What are you doing?"

He turned, dropped the device back onto the table and looked guiltily across the room to where Mckay had just woken up. He was rubbing at his eyes tiredly and dropped off the stool to come and stand beside him. Evidently, Mckay had a sixth sense when it came to his precious ancient devices.

"I was just-"

"Snooping," said Mckay with a sigh.

"I came here to apologise," said John. "You left the briefing room before I could say I was sorry."

"Oh right," said Mckay with a dismissive flick of his hand, "I'd forgotten about that."

"You had huh?" said Sheppard walking over to Mckay's desk and looking down at a pad with various scribbles on it. He picked it up and waved it around, "So why is there a little stickman with spiky hair being hanged here?"

Mckay grabbed the pad out of his hand and hugged it against his chest, "Okay, so I have a little repressed anger." He looked down at his picture, "Pretty good likeness huh?"

Sheppard smiled, "I'm sorry. Really." He'd said it quickly, the words jumbled together in one long slur, and now he was staring down at the floor feeling uncomfortable.

Mckay remained silent for a moment and then tossed the pad to the side, "It's forgotten. Now, what device were you holding then and how did you make it light up?"

As he turned his back Sheppard smiled and silently thanked his friend for forgiving him. He needed his friends at the moment and there was no sense in alienating them.

He walked over to the table and pointed, "That one."

"Do it again," said Mckay as he grabbed a diagnostic tool from his desk.

Sheppard sighed and reached for it, imitating his earlier hold, and watching as it steadily began to glow.

"What's it doing?" asked Mckay as he watched the light brighten.

Sheppard shrugged, " Not much. Feels kinda hot though." The light was intensifying and burning his retinas.

"Hot?" asked Mckay and he inspected the device closely, "Anything else?"

"My hands kind of tingling."

"Maybe you should put it down," suggested Mckay as he turned to scribbled something down, "It migh-"

Unexpectedly, he heard Sheppard make a pained sound and he turned just in time to see Sheppard's eyes roll back, his body tremble, and he slumped to the ground, the device still nestled in his hand.

"Sheppard!"

"Sheppard!"

Sheppard opened his eyes and a fist caught him in the nose. He immediately tasted blood and coughed involuntarily as he was dragged from his barracks bed. Hands were grabbing him by his arms, pulling him along the cold floor, abusing his knees, and compounding his newly acquired headache.

He was awash with confusion as his mind tried to fight of the vestiges of his sleep and connect with current events. He was dropped to the ground in an unceremonious heap and was suddenly assaulted by freezing cold water from above. He cracked his eyes open, could see some of the other men from his dorm standing over him, as the shower in the communal bathroom pounded him with sub-zero water.

He reached his hand up for purchase but his arm was wrenched down and somebody stood on his outstretched hand. He felt one of his fingers dislocate and bit back the initial burst of pain it afforded him. Thankfully, it wasn't his trigger finger.

A shadow appeared over him and he looked up to see one of his fellow soldiers, a guy name Laraby, standing over him as Sheppard shivered under the water. His t-shirt was soaked, his sweats heavy on his legs, bare feet tingling with pins and needles.

"What the hell are you doing?" he said and choked as the water hit the back of his throat.

"You know, I'm confused." Laraby said in a flat voice. "Man, you disappear for like two years and now here you are, back and with a promotion." He looked around at the other men who were treating his humiliation as a spectator sport, "I just don't get it."

Sheppard licked his lips and tasted the metallic tang of blood.

"I know you had a black mark before, it's all around the base, so what are they doing, giving promotions out in happy meals these days?"

Some of the other men laughed at Laraby's inventive remark. Sheppard just grew even more annoyed.

Sheppard opened his mouth, went to say something, and then clamped his mouth shut.

He couldn't stop shivering against the water. It was freezing his joints and making pain spear through his limbs.

"So, how's that even possible Sheppard?"

Sheppard coughed again on water tainted with blood, "Cant say," he spat, "Now stop being a prick and let me go."

Laraby laughed, "Man, I just wanna know how you got it? Its dad right?"

Sheppard met his eyes with a cold stare. The mention of his father had been unexpected and dredged up its own associative memories of misery.

"Yeah, I know about your dad. Respected General. I'm sure that has something to do with it."

Sheppard struggled against the grip on him, "Leave him out of this."

"What?" said Laraby, "You don't get on with him or something? Difficult relationship?"

Sheppard kicked out with his free foot and it connected solidly with Laraby's leg.

"Maybe you're just not promotion material," said Sheppard venom lacing his voice, "I think they have a no asshole policy."

Laraby turned to his friends. Some of them were looking a little frightened at the situation. It was supposed to be a joke, a hazing of sorts, but Laraby was getting violent. A few of the men backed up and Sheppard felt the painful release of pressure off his damaged hand.

"Sheppard!" Mckay fumbled with his radio, "Beckett? Beckett?... Beckett?"

"Yes Rodney?"
Mckay breathed out a sigh of relief. "I need a medical team down in my lab now. Sheppard's unconscious."

There was no hesitation in Beckett's voice. "On my way."

Mckay turned back to Sheppard, reached out for the device to rip it free and then felt a strange sensation himself. The next thing he knew he was standing in a communal bathroom watching a scene unfold before him that bore no recognition to him.

He walked forward, his presence unnoticed in his strange corporeal state, and watched soldiers gathered around someone on the floor.

It took a moment for recognition to set in. "Sheppard?" His eyes narrowed as he watched one of the soldiers kick Sheppard in the chest. Sheppard grunted, curled over into himself, and then straightened back out as if nothing had happened.

"What is going on in here?"

The voice behind him made Mckay turn and alerted the soldiers to an outside existence. Colonel Stark marched in the room and looked at the men with a steely gaze.

"What are you doing?" He looked from one man to the next.

There was no answer and Laraby stepped away from Sheppard slowly, "Just a friendly hazing Sir."

"I'm sure you'll agree that's a rather outdated practice," said Stark looking down at Sheppard who was sitting up, spitting blood from his mouth.

"Return to your beds," said Stark.

Mckay watched from the side lines as Sheppard slowly got up to his feet. His hair was pressed flat down on his head, his face was dripping with water and as he reached to turn off the shower Stark spoke in a booming voice.

"Did I say turn that off?"

Sheppard retracted his hand and turned to his commanding officer, shaking under the icy water.

"And did I say stand at ease?"

Sheppard stood up straighter, clearly in pain as his ribs strained against the pull of standing upright. Sheppard put his hands at his side and kept his stance stiff.

"Now, are you going to tell me what is going on here?"

Sheppard's teeth were chattering and he licked his bloodied lip before speaking, "They were having a problem with my new rank."

"I told you this would happen," said Stark taking a step back when some of the shower water splashed onto his uniform. He looked down with disdain.

"It won't happen again," said Sheppard, "I think they've had their fun."

"You know," said Stark, "I would hope you'd keep this incident to yourself. Inquiries into this would only interfere with our objective."

"Yes…S…s…sir," said Sheppard shivering more violently.

"Good," said Stark, "Get dried off and get some sleep. We've got an early morning."

"Yes Sir."

Stark walked off and Sheppard stood under the shower for a further minute. For a moment Mckay thought Sheppard could see him, but his eyes drifted past him and he palmed the shower off. He shook his head, cursed, and then punched his damaged hand into the wall.

Mckay, through sheer force and determination, managed to pull away from Sheppard's vision and watched as Sheppard's own hand went slack and released the hold on the device.

He groaned but remained unconscious, his breathing slow and strained.

Mckay sat in stunned silence, the revelation of what he had just witnessed, haunting him.

He was still sitting on the floor when Beckett rushed in.

TBC