Okay, I had already written four new chapters, but I thought they kinda dragged the story so I deleted them. Yes, call me crazy. I decided to take a large swig of orange soda, get the creative juices flowing, and get re-writing. See, my fear is that I will lose interest in this story, and it will suffer, and I will disappoint you guys. And I don't want that. So I will work hard for you! Hehe. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this rewritten version of "Perverted Colonels and Trigger Happy Lieutenants…

Disclaimer: No, Full Metal Alchemist is not mine. And even if you sue me, all you will get is four cats, a crappy old computer, a huge collection of orange soda cans and tons of old sticky notes. So, it's really not worth it anyway. Hehe.

Ж

Ed watched out the back of the car as Hughes ran after them as fast as he could.

"Umm… Colonel?" Havoc questioned.

"Keep driving…" Roy smiled evilly.

"He needs the exercise."

Riza rolled her eyes.

"Men."

"You are truly a sick man." Havoc said while laughing.

Roy rubbed his chin.

"I'm a pretty man too."

Riza coughed and tried to keep herself from laughing as she said,

"I didn't know men could be pretty, is there something we should know about?"

Roy gave her a feral smile, grabbed her hand and smothered it in kisses.

"I assure you, my dear, either way I am a beautiful man."

Riza smacked him over the head and growled,

"You're an idiot man is what you are…"

Then Suddenly, Roy got punched in the face.

Ed was steaming.

"You set this all up so you could take advantage of me didn't you?"

"Wha?"

"YOU NASTY OLD MAN!"

"Old man?"

"YES! YOU! NASTY OLD CRUSTY FAT UGLY USELESS IDIOT COLONEL!"

Roy stared at Ed long and hard.

"Did you just call me… old?"

Havoc closed his eyes for a second and smiled.

"You're in for it now Mr. Elric…"

Riza began counting down as Roy steamed up.

"5…4…3…2…"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING AN ANCIENT MUMMY WHICH HAS BEEN PROPERLY PRESEVERED BUT IS ALSO DECOMPOSING AND BUGS ARE EATING IT'S OLD CRUSTY NASTY DECOMPOSING BODY BECAUSE ITS BEEN THERE SO FIRKING LONG AND NOBODY CAN EVEN RECOGNIZE WHO IT IS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE A FACE AND ANY DISTINGUISHING MARKS HAVE ALL DISAPPEARED OVER THE LONG TIME WHICH HAS PASSED?

Ed was afraid. Very afraid.

He then yelled, "LET ME OUT! I'D RATHER WALK WITH HUGHES!"

He jumped out of the car and ran back to catch up with Hughes.

"Umm.. sir…" Riza began.

Yes, Riza?" Roy was smiling. He was very proud that he could scare the Full Metal

Alchemist. He folded his arms and pointed his head up.

"I know, you're going to tell me how brilliant I am, aren't you?"

Riza stared at him.

"No, I'm going to tell you that you are an idiot because the one we're supposed to be

protecting has just jumped out of the car just to get

away from your sorry ass."

Roy stared at her long and hard as if thinking about something. He then looked behind the

car at the disappearing Ed and Hughes. He then

looked back at Riza who was glaring. He smiled nervously and said,

"Oops?"

The car then starting making a funny sound.

"Umm.. Hey, I got good news…" Havoc stuttered.

"What?" Roy asked just as the car stalled.

Havoc put another cigarette in his mouth and unbuckled his seat belt.

"We don't have to go to the gas station after all…"

Ж

"Can't we call East city and have them send another car?" Havoc whined.

"No… We received strict orders not to call them." Riza explained.

"The Fuhrer said he would send somebody when it was safe. Until then, we're on our own."

Havoc looked around and shivered. It was starting to get dark and the gas station was still

miles away. He looked off to the side of him at a

rather large forest. He pointed to it.

"That makes me nervous…"

Riza nodded her head and stared at it.

"Makes me nervous as well."

"Ohayo!" Hughes called out jokingly.

"You waited for us all this time, what wonderful people you are!" Hughes praised.

"Heh… not quite…"

Hughes stared at Havoc.

"What?"

Just then Ed walked up.

" Roy scared the car too, didn't he?"

Roy started sparkling.

"I am… amazing…"

Riza smacked him over the head and said,

"No, you're an idiot."

Roy started comically crying. Havoc sat down on the hood and lit another cigarette.

"You know, that's really stupid to do…"

Riza informed him.

"Why?"

"Because if anyone was looking for us right now, they could see our exact location."

She sighed.

"All they would have to know about is your awful habit of smoking."

Havoc smiled.

"Not very hard to find out."

Riza shook her head and stared at the ground.

"Idiots they are… all of them."

She walked off a little, still mumbling something about idiots, stupid second lieutenants,

and perverted Colonels.

Roy then opened up the trunk while comically crying and said,

"Looks like… we have to rough it!"

Havoc's eyes got large.

"I wanna share a tent with her."

He said and pointed at Riza. Suddenly, something black which looked very much like a

shoe zoomed into his

head and he went flying.

"W-T-F?" He said while on the ground.

Roy put his hand on Riza's shoulder.

"O-M-G!" Havoc yelled and watched invisible birdies fly around his head.

Roy laughed.

"He's been reduced to Internet acronyms…"

He patted her shoulder.

"Good woman."

"O-M-F-G-B-B-Q!" Havoc said and sat up straight. He felt his head and groaned.

"W-T-F?" He shook a couple times.

"WHAT THE FU-"

Roy quickly put his hand over his mouth and said,

"Don't ever say that in front of ladies…"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A LADY, OLD MAN?"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING AN OLD MAN YOU STUPID WOMAN?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRUSTY OLD MAN!"

"NOT BEFORE YOU DO YOU SHORT SMALL FEMALE CHIBI-FIED BEAN!"

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

Havoc then sat on the hood of the car and threw his cigarette on the ground while listening

to the endless insults. He stomped on the cigarette

and said promptly,

"Smokings' bad for you…"

Riza nodded her head.

"Good man."

Ж

Roy sighed. "So here we are… in the middle of firkin nowhere. On the edge of a monster

infested forest, and I don't even get a woman to

sleep with…"

He poked Ed.

"Will you sleep with me?"

Roy then quickly went flying across the tent.

"SHUT UP IN THERE!" Havoc yelled.

"Yea!" Riza joined in. "We're trying to sleep!"

Then Hughes said something that just made it all better. Right…

"Yes, enough of your lover's quarrels…"

"SHUT THE HELL UP HUGHES!" Ed yelled.

"Aww… don't be gloomy just because you have to share a tent with a stinky man…"

"Come over here and I'll show you some pictures of Alicia!"

"She's so cute! See, here I have one of her riding her first tricycle… oh and here she's lost her first tooth…

Oh and here's another good one… she's asleep with her teddy bear… oh and then this one…"

Suddenly, they heard a gunshot and all went quiet.

"Any more talking and the person who does it will be shot." Riza warned.

"Missed me!" Hughes yelled.

She blew on her gun and said,

"Oops…"

"You would really shoot me, would you?" He whined.

"Dare to try your luck?"

"No…" He whimpered.

"Good… now go to sleep…"

"She's scary…" Ed whispered.

Roy comically cried.

"Yes she is…"

Ж

Lol. Okay… I laughed when I reread this. Over and over. Hehe. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Lol. I still can't get the mental image of

Roy yelling at Ed because he called him old out of my head. Lol. Now Roy has something to get pissed over. Hehe. Oh and once again, thanks for all the sweet comments, you all made my day. Seriously. hehe. Oh and um.. DID YOU GUYS MISS ME? hehe. Yes, I was gone for day for those of you who didn't even notice. lol. I will be gone two days next week. Not in a row. But just a heads up. I'm thinking of making a schedule like comic writers do. I should like... update like... every tuesday and wednesday or something. Eh, I'd never be able to keep it up. Anyway, oh, I also wanted to thank everyone who actually reads this stuff down here. Makes me feel special. hehe. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. And don't forget to REVIEW:) Thanks.