I can't believe she was standing there. Right in front of me, as I kissed her replacement. She cocked her head to the side, and tears began to well up in her eyes. She blinked them back, I new she wouldn't cry. At least not yet.

God, what am I doing?

I glanced quickly at Dani, who had a perplexed look on her face. I'm sure she figured out who the jealous woman standing a few yards from us was. Dani wasn't bad, she was compassionate, not quite as Olivia was, but she had a good heart. She was smart and beautiful. But again, not quite like Olivia. He should never have brought Beck into this.

God, what am I doing?
I missed Olivia so much; this was not what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to walk up to me, casual and cool, like always. I would smile; ask her if she was ok. She would nod, and say of course. She was Olivia Benson, of course she was ok. She could look off into the distance, thinking about all we had been through together. Then we would embrace, and I would whisper, "I'm sorry" over and over into her ear. Things weren't quite going as planned.

God what am I doing?

After a few minutes she began to tell me everything I had done wrong. As she spoke, I realized that what she said was true. Every word of it. After everything, I should have been there for her. Each sentence, each feeling, stung more and more as she continued. She wasn't yelling, although in her heart I'm sure she was. It was almost like she was too shocked to yell. Maybe too hurt.

God, what am I doing?

Dani's eyes grew wider and wider with every few words. Why did I kiss her, I wondered, for a moment blocking Olivia out? It was something I had to do, I tried to tell myself. Her husband was dead, my partner was gone, the tension, the need, it was all there. I tried to tell myself that, over and over again. But hearing what I had done to Olivia, hearing her speak to me with such disgust, all I could think was: You Bastard!

God, what am I doing?

Even if I wasn't in love with her, this shouldn't have been our reunion. She left everything she had, her home, her friends, her job; this was not what she should have come back too. She deserved so much more.

God, what am I doing?

She finished, but I could tell there was much more that could have come out of her mouth. But out of respect for our past friendship, some things would go unsaid. I tried to say something, but the will and the words weren't there. A tear raced down my cheek.

God, what am I doing?

She was so beautiful. I liked her hair like that. I liked it the old way too. I realized it didn't matter what she was wearing, or what her hairstyle was. It really didn't even matter what she looked like, her just being Olivia Benson was beautiful to me. I was showing my appreciation of her beauty in a strange why, I pointed out to myself, looking at Dani.

God what, am I doing?

She put her hands on her hips, and I leaned back on the SUV Dani and I were using. I rested my head against the metal frame and closed my eyes. Maybe if I didn't see her hurt like that, I wouldn't be so devastated. But even with my eyes closed I could still see her. The tears now pouring down her face, and I had nothing to say, even though I new she was expecting me to say SOMETHING. I looked at Dani, who looked at me, also expecting me to say something. Olivia stood there for a few more moments, but when she realized I had nothing, she uttered 4 words that would scar me for life.

" I can't believe you," she shook her head, and was forced to walk away.