Movie four
Lord of the Baseball Bats
Swing123: Welcome back, reader. This latest parody is for the Lord of the Rings movies. Sorry this took a long time. First I had to go see the movie again, then the document got deleted three times. This was a difficult story, so I hope you like it.
Garfieldodie: Thanks for the suggestion. I'll put Ghostbreakers on the list.
Who Knows: Yes, I will do the Lost World, and Jurassic Park III. I'll do it right after this one!
Also, I'd like to point out the rating limit on this story is Rated G, PG, and PG-13. I will do no movies over that rating. (The reason for this is that Calvin's parents would never allow any Rated R movies. They barely even allow PG. They've probably blocked those, anyway.) Therefore, Terminator will not be done, neither Dawn of The Dead, Nightmare on Elm Street or any other R Rated, or blood spurting horror movies you have or will suggest. Thanks.
Ok, here we go with LOTBB!
Part one:
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
Calvin and Hobbes had just finished watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
When it was done, Calvin blinked.
"What a strange movie." He said.
Hobbes spun around, and looked at him in shock.
"WHAT?" He said.
"Don't get me wrong." Said Calvin holding up a hand. "It was very enjoyable and actiony, but all this fuss over a stupid ring!"
Hobbes blinked.
Calvin went on. "I mean, any dumby can go get a ring at a jewelry store. What kind of moron orc would care about such a dumb ol' ring?"
"Well, Calvin," Hobbes said. "That was supposed to be a magic ring. Not just your every day 'will you marry me' ring."
"As far as I'm concerned, a ring's a ring, and there's nothing else to it! Why didn't those orcs go after something interesting... like a baseball bat?"
Hobbes' eyes glazed over. "A baseball bat! Why on Earth would they care about a baseball bat?"
"Why on Earth would they care about a ring?" Calvin asked.
"Good point." Considered Hobbes.
"Now why don't we just go fix these movies?" Calvin said.
"Lets not, and say we did." Muttered Hobbes.
"WHAT!" Calvin yelled.
"Half to you." Said Hobbes.
"Get outside!" Calvin grumbled.
But before they could get outside, Mom came up to Calvin.
"Get dressed, Calvin, we're going, now."
"Going where?" Calvin questioned.
"I told you!" Mom sighed. "We're going to see the Dirkins."
Calvin screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA! NO! We can't!" He shouted. "Me and Hobbes were gonna start Lord of the Baseball Bats!"
"Calvin, I told you not to watch that movie!" Mom said, suspiciously.
Calvin's eyes rolled around.
"Well, uh... That's why were doing the play. So we can see it!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Even so," Mom said. "We have to go."
"WHY!" Calvin yelled.
"Because It's Mr. Dirkins' birthday!" Spat Mom. "And you are to be polite to all the guests there!"
"Your violating fourteen G.R.O.S.S. rules, Mom!" Calvin snarled.
"Calvin what do you think about my tie?" Asked Dad walking up to Calvin.
"Belongs in the garbage!" Spat Calvin.
"This one?" Asked Dad holding up another one.
"goes in the garbage disposal!" Calvin yelled.
"This one?" Sighed Dad holding up another.
"Belongs in the dump!"
"Oh forget it." Said Dad.
"Get into the car." Mom said, opening the car door. "And you are to be nice to the guests."
"Great!" Calvin yelled. "First I have to be fashion consultant, now I have to be an actor!"
On the way to Susie's house, Calvin talked to Hobbes about how they were going to do their play.
"Perhaps your mom will let you play on their back lawn while Mr. Dirkins celebrates his birthday."
"Will you quite calling them that?" Calvin cried. "We have to find some way to get that play in!"
When the gang made it to the Dirkins's house, there were already some cars there.
Calvin asked Mom if he could play in the front yard, and she said he could.
"Ok." Said Calvin looking over at Susie who was playing in her sandbox. "We'll stay over here, some sixty yards from Susie, so we won't violate any more G.R.O.S.S. rules. We'll have to do the play in this part of the yard."
"Mmmm-hmmm." Said Hobbes not looking up from ground.
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
scene one: That weirdo wearing the mask can't wear a baseball bat on his finger, so just sit down and shut up!
There are many kinds of baseball bats. There are baseball bats for the elves and their baseball team. Some of the humans have baseball bats for their team. So do those drooling idiots... erm... I mean Dwarfs. But then... THERE IS THE EVIL BASEBALL BAT! from the evil Sith comes the... "
Calvin, I think you mean "orcs". "Sith" is for Star Wars." Said Hobbes the warrior.
Shut up. Now then, from the evil whatever comes the all terrible... THE ONE BASEBALL BAT! This terrible so forth would be able to DESTROY Middle of the baseball Earth!
"Huh boy." Sighed Hobbes the warrior.
One day, A TERRIBLE WAR WAS HELD!
There was a moment of silence.
I SAID a terrible war was held!
"What? Oh yeah, right." Said Hobbes the warrior.
He pulled a long sword from his... Whatever you call that thing that you keep swords in.
"Where'd you get this willow branch?" Hobbes the warrior asked examining the sword.
Shut up and attack the enemy!
"What enemy?"
that!
"That's Susie." Said Hobbes the warrior.
ATTACK! Hobbes the warrior shrugged, and walked over to the evil guy with the one baseball bat.
He gave Calvin the narrator a evil grin, then...
WHACK!
"AAAAAA! CAL-VIN!"
OH NO!
END OF SCENE ONE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS.
As far as Susie could see, Calvin had just thrown two things at her.
One was a gnarled willow branch, and the other was a stuffed tiger.
Susie jumped up, pitched the stick back at Calvin, who ducked, then went crying into the house.
Moments later, Mom Burst outside, her eyes like two flaming embers ready to burn something in half.
Oops.
"RUN HOBBES!" Calvin screamed at the stuffed tiger on the ground. "DON'T LOOK BACK! RU-U-U-U-U-U-N!
Calvin hit full turbo on all engines and roared away like a panicking cheetah.
Calvin felt the wind slap his face as... As Mom grabbed his shirt collar and carried him into the house.
Calvin got stuck singing happy birthday to Mr Dirkins.
But then, while Mr Dirkins was blowing out the candles, Calvin snuck away with Hobbes.
"Hobbes do you suppose we could find a baseball bat here?" Calvin asked once they were outside.
"Maybe." Said Hobbes. "Susie doesn't like sports but her dad probably has one." Calvin and Hobbes looked all around the attic, tool shed, and garage until they found a baseball bat.
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
scene two: dementor thing attacks three stupid hobbits
"Actually, there were four, Calvin." Hobbes the hobbit said.
"Shut up." Calvin the hobbit said.
Just then... A GIGANTIC DEMENTOR RODE FROM THE ROAD!
"Calvin, dementors are from Harry Potter. These were called Black Riders."
"Shut up, and hide behind the log." Calvin the hobbit muttered.
All two hobbits hid behind the log as the EVIL black Dement-ride looked around like a moron looking for THE ONE BASEBALL BAT!
Slowly the moron with the black hood over his ugly head began to reach behind the LOG.
However, somebody threw A BAG...
"WILL YOU QUIT SCREAMING!" Hobbes screamed.
"I'M NOT SCREAMING!" Calvin screamed.
Calvin and Hobbes started arguing about screaming while the other two hobbits and the black whatsit stared at them waiting for them to stop.
END OF SCENE TWO OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS
Calvin and Hobbes continued arguing.
"I WAS NOT SCREAMING!"
"YOUR SCREAMING RIGHT NOW, BARF BRAIN!"
"FUR FACE!"
"DUMBBELL!"
"TUNA BREATH!"
Hobbes gasped.
"You take that back!" he yelled.
After about five minutes, they stopped fighting, applied band-aids onto their wounds, and continued their play.
Much to Hobbes' disappointment.
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
scene three: two dummies fight with a stick.
"I WILL FIGHT YOU!" Calvin the Grey yelled.
"Mmm-hmmm." Hobbes the White muttered.
"Fear me!" Calvin the gray yelled. Hobbes the White yawned, and didn't respond.
"I SAID FEAR ME!"
"Mmm-hmm." Hobbes the white yawned, and held up HIS STAFF!
Calvin the Grey is being flung around by the magical STAFF!
"I'm liking this already." Hobbes the White grinned.
Just then, Calvin the so forth is STRUCK DUMB! AND FALLS TO THE GROUND!
"If I remember what happened in the movie, Gandalf was flying upward, not to the ground."
"Shut up."
END OF SCENE THREE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS
"Now things are just a bunch of boring junk until we get to the part about the dumb-dumbs going to Mount Doom, so we'll just skip over to that." Calvin said.
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
scene four: The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
Calvin the Hobbit carries the baseball bat across the freezing tundras of British Columbia. Pretty COOL, Huh?
For a reason for no particular interest, Calvin the Hobbit is backed up by Hobbes the white wizard and ...uh... several other people I won't bother to mention. As they walked across the freezing so forth they came to a huge mountain range.
"What do we do?" Asked Calvin the Hobbit. Shielding the wind with his Baseball Bat.
"Go away." Said the stupid... erm... Said Hobbes the white wizard.
"But we will not make it!" Said Calvin the other hobbit.
"GET UP THERE AND END THE SCENE!" Hobbes the wizard snapped.
Calvin the hobbit grumbled to himself. "I'm sorry my ten billion screaming fans."
"Yes, and the ten billion screaming fans, that are poor." Said Hobbes the wizard. "Let us pity them, for they are poor. Now lets get moving."
END OF SCENE FOUR OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS
Calvin glared at Hobbes, and then continued.
"Ok, now, they enter that dumb cave and a troll attacks them. As well as a bunch of orcs, and a bull-rock."
"Mmm." Hobbes said.
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
scene five: trolls and orces and a big red thing
Calvin the hobbit carries the ONE BASEBALL BAT into some cave.
He and the rest of the people who I won't bother to mention walked through the cave with THE ONE BASEBALL BAT!
"Must you scream like that each time you mention Baseball?" Asked Hobbes the Wizard.
"Yes." Calvin the hobbit said, simply.
Just then, A BIG STUPID HOBBIT DROPS ONE MEASLY PEBBLE DOWN A WELL!
"Quickly, Hobbes wizard closes the big doors." Said Calvin the hobbit.
Hobbes the wizard just stood there.
"CLOSE THE STUPID DOOR!" Calvin the hobbit screamed.
Hobbes the Wizard lazily closed the door as FIFTY BILLION THINGS FROM PLUTO ATTEMPT TO GET THE ONE BASEBALL BAT!
Hobbes the Wizard rolled his eyes and tried to ignore Calvin the hobbit.
Just then, the door broke down, and billions of things from Pluto started screaming like morons.
And above it all, THE UGLY TROLL!
"DEATH TO ORCS!" Calvin the elf said sending fifteen arrows at the stupids.
Then, THE GIANT AND UGLY TROLL APPEARED! He attacked Calvin the hobbit who...
"why do you get to be the dwarf, elf, and the four hobbits and I get to be one measly wizard?"Asked Hobbes the wizard.
Before Calvin the hobbit could yell and scream at him to shut up, the EVIL troll punched Calvin the stomach!
However, Calvin the hobbit was wearing a bullet proof jacket and defeated the stupid!
Then all the orcs that survived suddenly died for no particular interest
And a big red thing with a whip stepped out of no where.
"RUN!" Screamed Hobbes the... Wait. Do you know what he did?
He just ignored the EVIL BULL-ROCK!
Ok that did it. Calvin the hobbit jumpped into the middle of Hobbes wizard, and started beating him with the baseball bat.
Somehow, Hobbes the wizard managed to climb on top of Calvin the hobbit's head, grab the baseball bat, and started beating him with it.
Finally Calvin the hobbit gave up, and ran off.
With the stupid... With Hobbes the wizard twirling the baseball bat on his fingers, while walking along down the hallway.
However, on the bridge between something and something else, Hobbes the wizard bravely... Um, no... lazily turned around with his staff in one hand.
"Go away." He screamed... erm... muttered... plunging the white stick into the bridge.
Both of them fell into the bottomless pit.
The end.
END OF SCENE FIVE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS
"Interesting on how you give me the part on the dead guy." Hobbes observed. "It makes one wonder..."
"Shut up." Calvin said. "Next was the scene where they get separated, and the two dummies find a living tree, and the other two dummies with the baseball bat meet Dr stupid, aka Smuggle."
"Smeegle." Hobbes corrected.
"Whatever."
The Fellowship of the Baseball Bats
Final scene: everything that Calvin just said.
Just then, some moron who wanted the ring I mean Baseball Bat, grabbed Calvin the hobbit, and attempted to get to... THE ONE BASEBALL...
Hobbes quickly slapped Calvin over the mouth before he could finish. "Shut up." He said to the shocked kid.
"Whatever." Calvin said. Calvin broke away from the stupid, and ran off, with Hobbes not at his heals.
That dumb tiger.
Calvin rushed away, but then, as the stupid grabbed him again, Calvin...
Calvin paused.
He thought for a long time before stopping the scene.
NOT THE END OF FINAL SCENE OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS
"Hobbes!" Calvin yelled. "How do you get the baseball bat to make you invisible?"
"It was your idea to use a bat." Hobbes said. "You tell me." Calvin thought. Then he said,
"How about if you bang it into your head once, you'll turn invisible, and when you do it again, ya turn visible, again?"
"This should be interesting." Hobbes said.
NOW WE SHALL CONTINUE FINAL SCENE OF THE BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Calvin banged his head into the baseball bat.
POOF.
He vanished in a puff of pink smoke.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
Then the stupid realized where he was, and sent millions of ugly orcs to get'em!
Calvin ran down the bank, visible again, and get into a boat.
Hobbes walked up, and stared at him, dully, as he floated away.
"STAY HERE, HOBBES!" Calvin called. "IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!"
"Gotchya." Hobbes said, turning around.
"GET INTO THIS BOAT, YOU STUPID TIGER!" Calvin screamed.
Hobbes, looking deeply disappointed, got into the boat with Calvin.
"Now we will sail off for that creepy place with the lava!" Calvin said. "
CALVIN!" screamed a voice.
Calvin looked around, but saw no one.
"Hello? Anybody there?"
"CALVIN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"
"Whoopsy."
END OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BASEBALL BATS
Calvin found himself sitting in the middle of a torn up yarn.
Huh.
He hadn't noticed it until the end.
Most of the grass was torn, and dirt was showing.
Several trees and been reduced to tall poles in the dirt.
And Calvin was covered in grass stains and dirt.
Oops.
Oh, and Hobbes was no where in sight.
How did that dumb tiger do that?
Calvin was tied to the seatbelt in the car.
Calvin's parents were in the middle of begging for an apology to the Dirkins.
"Well, I guess you got in trouble, again." Hobbes said.
"I guess I did!" Calvin spat.
"Have you learned your lesson on the plays that seemed to be cursed?"
"No." Calvin said. "Next time we get out of the house we're beginning part two!"
"Oh Joy." Hobbes said.
"And you can cut the sarcasm!" Calvin spat.
When Calvin's parents got into the car, Dad said, "Kid, when we get home, you'll never see the light of day, again!"
Hoo-boy. Calvin was in for a rough drive home.
To be Continued...
COMING SOON! PART TWO: The Two Loons (The Two Towers)