He had herd her small body hitting the floor, and almost ran to catch her, and soothe her. He heard the strange laughter she let out, her uneven breathing, and then he heard her silence, painful and hollow. It was so unlike her to be so quiet… She was all joy and optimism, all energy and bursting with life all the time. He had made her silent. He had reduced the woman he loved to mere emptiness and surrender. Was it really that hard on her to hear him speak those nonsense words? They didn't mean anything, they were just… words. 'How could she be so hurt by words?' he wandered, but then realized that she could be as easily comforted by words. She could fall asleep into his arms hearing his words, as she did for so many times. She could get shivers while he whispered words to her, and she had even cried with joy as he told her… words. Mere words, but what could they do to his Kagome! His Kagome. The thought passed through him like a spear, almost physically hurting him. He was the one hurting her, not the words. He was the one comforting her, caressing her, and thrilling her with words. They only matter if they're being spoken by the right person. And he was the right person to hurt her by speaking those damn words.
His head spun around and he nearly fell from the treetop he had climbed onto. He looked ahead of him and saw nothing, for a moment. All blackness and defeat, all sorrow and grieving. That was him… without Kagome. He had never realized it before now, and she was so torn by his damn temper, by his loud mouth and stupid behavior! He felt helpless, he felt angry and twisted in a sick manner. There was nothing more that he could do to make up for all the hurt he had caused her. But maybe there was still time to prove to her that he was worthy of her time after all. Maybe she will have the patience to wait on him this time, too. She had done it for so many times… what's one more time?
His eyes suddenly focused on a tall white figure moving away from his position and towards a feminine form with long dark hair. His heart stopped beating, and his breath caught in his chest before he could realize that the woman wasn't Kagome. The thought of his worthless half-brother stopping Kagome like that, with a command, made his blood boil. But that wasn't Kagome, and so their business was their own. He turned his gaze away from them, and stared into the blue sky, wandering if Kagome would ever consider forgiving him without him actually apologizing to her.
Sesshoumaru slowly advanced towards the girl, who had been running until some seconds ago, and was now walking slowly, her arms around her waist and breathing heavily. She wanted to erase that image from her mind. It bothered her tremendously seeing Sesshoumaru-sama in such a private interaction with Kagome… no, with a woman! She frowned, as a feeling of guilt and anger passed through her. She was angry with Kagome for letting him get so close to her… after all she already had Inuyasha, what would she possibly want with her Sesshoumaru? Her Sesshoumaru…
She was angry with him for deceiving her all of these years, and giving her all those long and deep looks, giving her hopes of something even she did not know had grown inside her. And still she could not name it, could not quite grasp it. She was feeling guilty from being capable of accusing Kagome of such a terrible thing as betrayal, even if the accusation was only made in her mind. She felt guilty for blaming him for her damn weakness, for her attachment to him. She was human, and that showed in her actions, sooner or later. She had fallen pray to her emotions, and was now caught between denying herself and hating the one she loved. 'Do I love him?'
Sesshoumaru slowly advanced towards the girl. He could sense her unease, and could hear her heart pounding in that fragile chest of hers.
"Stop" he said, and the girl did just that, no arguments whatsoever. 'Little puppet' he thought, as a stream of regret flowed inside him from what Rin had become because of his obsession with power and control.
"Don't cry, Rin." Her forming tears were stinging his senses, and he could feel the human fighting to keep them from creeping down her cheeks. She started to slightly shiver, and it was like a lightning had hit him straight in the chest.
"What is it, Sesshoumaru-sama?" She managed to say, her back still turned to him, so he wouldn't see the anguish on her face. She was overreacting, she was well aware of it, but the trembling wouldn't stop, and the tears ripped her eyes in their attempt to come out. But he had said "don't cry", and she won't. At least not in his presence.
"Will you not face me, Rin?" His voice almost physically touched her, and an immense amount of ease washed through her entire body, sensing the gentleness in that voice. She was truly privileged, for there were scarcely few people that had seen this taiyoukai being gentle. Especially to a human girl.
"I cannot, I'm sorry. You said that I shouldn't cry. Let me not cry by not facing you, please." Her voice was faint, but she knew that he would hear her. She felt more at ease now, that she knew he wasn't upset with her, but at the same time she hated the fact that she was so dependent to his moods. She hated herself for seeking his approval in everything she did, in her every movement, and even in her feelings. It couldn't be fair, all of this. She should be able to decide what she should be saying and thinking, and feeling, she should be able to stand up to him, and not fear that she would displease him by doing so.
'Damn it, I'm so pathetic! I can't even look him in the eye… I feel so stupid, acting out like this!' She was getting ready to turn and face him, even if that meant letting out those burning tears, which became of frustration in the meantime, when she felt his right arm around her waist and over her own, while his left one rested on her shoulder. She stiffened, and forgot to breathe as he gently pulled her to rest her head on his chest.
Rin was still in shock, and couldn't believe that she was so close to him. In all her years with him, Sessoumaru-sama had only picked her up a few times, but only for the purpose of saving her from imminent death, and never in the recent years. She felt like a child again, leaning against him like that, and at the same time, she felt like a woman. She wanted him to protect her, to keep her safe from any harm, as he did when she was still a kid. And she wanted him to hold her close, to let her embrace him and feel his warmth mingle with hers. She realized that she had missed his touch; she had missed the feeling of everything in this world having sense and suddenly falling into place along with their contact. That is how Sesshoumaru's touch made her feel. No more questions. No more agony. No more asking herself if she was good enough. She was good enough for him, and she needn't be more that that. If he wanted her that way, then she need not be better.
"You are straying from me, Rin. I am losing you to humanity." His low tone gave her the chills. She was expecting them by now. Her body had reacted to him in this strange manner for some years now. It confused her, this feeling she had. It filled her, and at the same time, it drained her. She wanted it to last forever, but still she wanted it to stop as soon as possible. It pulled on her senses to awaken, but it was making her go numb instead. Her head rolled on his chest at a side, and she raised her head to meet his eyes. She knew it would hit her with a stun, but she simply couldn't resist seeing his face. The usual heat covering her took over Rin's entire body this time, sinuously moving from inside out. She feared it was going to materialize and swallow them both, for a second. Her legs failed her, and she found herself lifted from the ground and into his arms, piercing the warm air towards the castle. She caught him by the back of his neck and stuck her fingers into his hair, not caring of what he might make of her behavior. It felt too right to be wrong.
"I just want things to be the way they used to be…" she said, into his silky kimono, and buried her face there, only wishing that he would take his time arriving at the castle. She never wanted to let go. The wind was slowly brushing by her cheek, and lifting her hair to entangle with his. Raven stripes with silver ones, in a beautiful and hypnotic dance that she loved since she was a child. She had always found the obvious contrast between their hair colors fascinating, when put together like this. Now, she was resting numb in his arms, her mind refusing to allow any other thought but the processing of his every movement, every breath and smell that came from him. She felt in place when he held her, she felt at ease, comforted, as if she had been running for years, and finally reached her destination. She could rest now, because she knew he would keep her safe. Her eyes stared, out of focus, at their hair, and then they fluttered close.
She was surprised when he descended on the very hill she was sitting on that morning, but still held her in his arms.
"Rin." he said, in a low voice. "Open your eyes." She resisted his order for a moment, not wanting to lose the lightness that took over her, but at the end surrendered to his will. She always did…
Rin said nothing, while taking in a most thorough examination from the taiyoukai. His eyes were wedged on her face in an expression of absolute fortitude, but she endured it as she had done on many occasions.
"How were things before, Rin? What did you mean?" He laid her on her feet and separated from her, the wind blowing between them giving Rin the eerie feeling that she had lost him completely. That came as a rough shift, for not so log as two minutes ago she had him entirely to herself. Frowning at their sudden distance, she bowed her head, not sure if she should let him know of what was going through her mind. 'Would he understand? Would he find me silly, and just… human?'
"Someday…" she started in a weak voice; "…Someday this will all be behind… I will be myself again… and…" she lifted her eyes to him, and her heartbeat accelerated leaving her to deal with the storm going on inside her; "…and I won't be afraid to look at you anymore!" She had said these last words hastily, fearful that her voice would quiver and that she would confirm how weak she felt, exposing herself like this to him. Turning half away from his imposing figure, Rin covered her face with her hands while her breathing became jagged. She was indeed afraid to look at him, at times, especially when she felt so weak compared to the taiyoukai. How could a mere human like Rin compare to the Lord of the Western Lands? What was she to him?
She knew now what Sesshoumaru-sama was to her, and that frightened her more than anything. He shouldn't have been more than her protector, her guardian, at most the father figure that she had lost so many years ago. At most to fill the empty space that the deaths of her parents left inside her child-like soul. At most… but she began to realize that he was much more that that! She saw that no matter how much she tried to prevent it, no matter how much reasoning she did, her heart still went pounding madly in her chest whenever he gave her one of those long gazes and her body still quivered at his touch. That is what she was afraid of. However, not finding the sufficient strength and steadiness to speak it out, she summarized it into "afraid of you". He took it as if it would have been a slap across the face.
"Afraid?" Sesshoumaru's head tilted a bit to the right, but he didn't proceed with questioning her any further, being obvious to him that the human could barely keep her composure… if what she was showing could be called composure. Her fists were tightened and her entire body seemed stretched to the limits of its capacities. She was refusing to look at him now, and her eyes were locked onto a blank spot somewhere at the tip of her toes. He carefully approached her and stood still in front of the shivering human.
'She shouldn't be so frail. It is not right… So much determination, and yet… such vulnerability, trapped inside her. Humans are strange creatures. Scarcely living, yet yearning for eternity with their very beings.'
"Yes, Rin. It will pass." He knew too little of how he may soothe the human before him. His arm stretched out and caught the back of the girl's neck, slightly lifting her head. Her look was insecure; she almost didn't want to let him see her, to let him acknowledge the fear and flaw behind those eyes. She was unsettled by his strong gaze, and she didn't want to feel so small in comparison to him. She was all to tired of measuring up to her Lord, of pushing herself to be more and more… a youkai, and less a human. She despised the feeling taking over her, the feeling that she could hate Seshoumaru-sama, but the failure to rip from within her the love she felt for him.
'I would hate him, for making me feel so weak… I would hate him… If I wouldn't love him.' She allowed her head to be pulled up, and she let all the loss and despair, love and hatred, helplessness and giving-up pierce through her sore eyes. Tears stung her, but she still refused to let them fall.
'Don't cry, Rin! Even if it kills you… just don't cry… He'll just think you're weak. He'll just see you're human.' The word sounded dirty in her mind. She never knew how much like a frightened human the taiyoukai in front of her felt, seeing this little human spearing him with all the emotion she held inside. Never in his entire life had he seen such force in such a small body. And it troubled him, much to his surprise.
'She should shatter from holding that kind of passion locked within her. Having no means of letting it pour out of her… she'll eventually break.'
"It will pass" she repeated his words, as a distant and strange echo, still holding up his gaze.
"Promises are beautiful things, don't you think so, Sesshoumaru-sama? They keep the lie going, and so we steal a little more time to live at ease. I'm not a child anymore. I do not believe in promises… anymore."
Her expression showed Sesshoumaru every bit of emotion that went about her body, and there was a distressing amount of sadness around the girl in front of him. She seemed torn, but resigned, and it hurt him to see her like that. He could not believe it, but it did. He was suffering for another's pain. For a human's pain, nonetheless. Her gaze burnt and healed at the same time, and he thought she could not have gained that ability were it not for their closeness. He knew of his own look to be similar, yet he completely ignored Rin's human ability to destroy his demonic composure until now. She wasn't doing it on purpose, though. It was only her body's response to what she felt. She was hurting him with every acknowledgement of her own inner pain. He could not take it anymore.
The moment he looked away from her stare was the one Rin knew that she had finally got to him. She finally succeeded in distracting the great taiyoukai of the Western Land from his wintry composure. Odd thing was, all the loss inside her spilled over, as if she has witnessed a horrible murder. Instead of feeling the sick satisfaction of seeing him lose his natural calm, as she so many times thought would happen, a dreadful wave of failure washed over her at the sight of his frowned expression. He seemed almost defenseless.
'No. No… It shouldn't be possible for him to be daunted by… a human. He's too strong. He's supposed to be too strong.' But her confusion and regret vanished as he returned her a clod stare, and parted from her as if she had tainted him with a sheer touch. She felt pushed away. 'Well, maybe I'm confused and all, but he's certainly more puzzling than any human can be… Running hot and cold with me all the time, as if he's constantly preventing me from seeing he actually cares for me. Hm… at least he's not all cold around me, as he is with the rest.'
"You shouldn't be afraid, Rin. Nor should you reflect upon nonsense instead of occupying your time with something more useful. And I promise nothing, you know that I do not need to trick time into favoring me." His face was devoid of feeling… yet again, and all she could think was 'Serves me right for imagining he could actually let out emotion!'
"I wasn't talking about you tricking time for your sake…" her voice was faint, and she had mostly said that for herself. Sesshoumaru heard it anyhow, though, and he frowned in slight confusion. But before he could realize he was too late with his reassuring, she had already given up on him showing any compassion for her sorrow.
"I'm sorry for disturbing you, Sesshoumaru-sama", she finally said, realizing not without a twinge of heart, that he would never show her any more sympathy than he would Kagome, for that matter. They were both human females whom he had tolerated for quite some time now, and it simply became customary for him to do that. She tried not to act out, not to seem distraught. And she succeeded. Nevertheless, her chest hurt for fear that she would never see the one she loved loosen his grip on that dominant dream he pursued. Was power all he really wanted?
She forced her feelings to slip out from her body, a practice she began mastering at the tender age of twelve, so that he would not be bothered by her stupid teenage emotional outbursts. And he seemed pleased to just leave her there, as he turned and walked away from a reduced-to-silence Rin, an empty shell that at times enclosed only worry for him. He did not know that a human could worry for him.
The distance had prevented the woman from seeing the taiyoukai's face, and so she did not know how that silly human girl had truly affected him with her inapt words. But on the other hand, he was really not the type that let emotion reign his features, was he? Her bright red eyes still followed the white, tall figure, moving away from the human. She did not know if what she felt for him came from the refuge he inspired, even though he was a born and trained killer, or from some other place. Surely, it had nothing to do with his looks, she was not that superficial after all, although she must give him this much: those eyes could equally frighten you into insanity, or bewitch you into love. That was, until he opened his mouth and let out some cold and inconsiderate comment.
'Oh well, at least he did not sense me. I would have hated for him to force me into a fight. I just don't feel like it…' She turned her oversized feather around and took off above the forest and towards the mountains. After all, Naraku's Saimyoushou would come looking for her if she delayed her arrival. Was that bastard strong enough to kill her now? All these years, he had been hiding, weakened and lacking the other half of the jewel, but no matter how much she tried, she could never find him. It would have been the perfect time to finish him off and gain her beloved freedom. But now it was too late, as he had crawled from whatever rock he had been hiding under, and he had silently summoned his offspring. He was preparing his great revenge on Inuyasha and his friends. And what was worse, on Sesshoumaru too. Naraku despised Sesshoumaru's pure blood, and his refusal to become his… ally. Actually, either his servant or a part of his body.
'What does he expect? Sesshoumaru isn't Inuyasha! He's much too powerful and proud for anybody to subdue him.' She still had hope. Sesshoumaru may still be able to kill Naraku and finish this off once and for all. She sighed, as she felt sure that her attraction to the solitary youkai was more than she allowed herself to realize. She did not want to see him hurt. 'Hm… The Wind Sorceress is… I do not care for him! I just… ' but she could not find that word she was looking for.
'I wonder…' the taiyoukai thought as he approached his castle, 'I wonder what went through her mind, coming here like that, with no protection whatsoever. There were no Saimyoushou, none that I could sense, and not a trace of Naraku's other offspring. What was she doing here? Spying? Unlikely… However, her presence, after all this time, must mean something. Is it that Naraku finally regained his strength?' The thought gave him no pleasure, nor did it give him any fear. He had been looking forward to handling matters in his own way, with this filthy hanyou who assumed he could manipulate Sesshoumaru, on several occasions.
He smiled, the kind of smile that scared Jaken into unconsciousness, as he felt his resent rise against the one who dared step over his father's grave and taint Inutaisho's resting place with his disgusting presence. 'He will pay with his worthless life, and it will still not be payment enough for his lack of respect. Half-breed… crawl out and face me. Then, die.' The words sounded cold in his mind, as a natural reaction to Naraku's actions towards Sesshoumaru himself, as well as his father's memory. He held no hatred for the hanyou, for he considered he was not worthy of such a strong feeling. It simply irritated him that the rotten thing had the nerve to mock him. Therefore... the simple conclusion was… he had to die. It was nothing personal, just a question of image.
The witch on the other hand he cared not of. Whatever reason she had for seeking him out, was her own. As long as she did not get in the way of him killing Naraku, he cared too little about her.
Well, I tried to capture the feeligs of a frustrated, confused teenage girl... in love with an untouchable man. Did I get it right? Any suggestions are welcomed.