CHAPTER 4 – Where am I headed?

"Well, if my life is for rent

And I don't learn to buy

Then I deserve nothing more than I get

For nothing I have is truly mine"

(Dido- 'Life for rent')

I used this for the introduction because it seems to me that Kagome's life is indeed "for rent". She feels misplaced, and with good reason.

Kagome was doing the dishes. It was far easier to fill her time with usual chores instead of constantly tormenting herself with the thought of Inuyasha regretting not having saved Kikyo instead of her. 'Damn him! If it wasn't for Inuyasha, I wouldn't be in these life-threatening situations in the first place, and he wouldn't be forced to neglect his precious dead sweetheart in order to save worthless, not-leveling-up-to-the-mighty-miko-of-the-souls, and over all living Kagome! Damn him! Damn him! Damn him!' So… doing the dishes wasn't that effective on keeping hurtful thoughts away.

Ever since they've settled here, a few months ago, Inuyasha had been driving her crazy with his erratic behavior. But she enjoyed having more time to spend with Shippo, to talk to Kaede and even Rin, when that obnoxious Sesshoumaru would allow her to come visit. When had her life become so disappointing? She had had hopes of a beautiful future, in her own time, a future that involved medicine studies and a loving husband, maybe even children. Instead, she got stuck here, with youkai chasing after her because of a cursed jewel, a hanyou who did not know if he loved her or the dead woman she looked so much like, and no running water! She wanted a bath! She wanted TV and Internet, she wanted loud music and chewing gum, and chocolate, and… she missed her mother.

'I'm going home and I don't care if he begs me, I'll stay there for as long as I see fit! There! In your face, Inuyasha! Don't you dare come for me, and drag me to this god-forsaken time! I'll come back when I wish…' With that decision made, the world didn't seem so unsupportable anymore. She even smiled at the darkening sky, as the evening took over it and drowned the surroundings in a dim, pearled light. 'The sunset here is gorgeous, though…'

Packing her bags and getting the hell away from Inuyasha had proven a soothing experience for the young woman, as every item was practically thrown into the oversized yellow backpack. She had brought here all sorts of thing, some more useful than others, some only for Shippo's sake, and entertainment. Actually, the kitsune was the only one who knew about her leaving for a while. Although he had begged her not to leave him alone with Inuyasha, he finally understood and welcomed the idea of spending some time with Sango and Miroku, in the village, for a change.

Kagome promised she will be back, but her stay would be longer this time, as she wanted to reflect upon some… issues. Not wanting to scare little Shippo, she never mentioned that the issue in question was her life with Inuyasha, in the Sengoku Jidai. After all, she could very well remain here without being Inuyasha's… whatever, and without his consent. She figured she could even stand his stupid remarks for as long as it took him to see that she's not changing her mind about their relationship.

"Kagome?" Shippo's wide-open eyes almost destroyed her determination to leave. It was now dark outside, and she had promised herself she would not remain here any second more than she was needed to. The kitsune looked at her in hope, as tears began gathering in his eyes. He hadn't changed much these past years, aside from the fact that he'd got a little taller, and his skills improved quite a bit. He was still a child though, and he still saw Kagome as a mother. Her heart broke in the very moment he jumped in her arms.

"I'm sorry, Kagome, I wanted to be strong and not to upset you, but I'll miss you so much! Please hurry back, I'll be waiting for you!" He hugged her tightly, and refused to let go until the girl promised him she'll do what she was asked to.

"It's okay, Shippo, you're not upsetting me. I love you very much, and I'll never forget about you. You may be sure I'll come back as soon as my problems are resolved. I promise!" Her wide smile reassured the little fox youkai, and his eyes brightened with joy. 'Kagome will not break her promise. She'd never do that!' he thought.

"Hai!" He nodded, happily. "We'll see each other very soon, ne? Get some rest, Kagome" he wished her, and jumped down after giving her another hug and a kiss on the cheek. Kagome blushed with emotion, and threw the backpack over her shoulder.

"Okay… I'm off. Please take care of Sango and the others for me, will you, Shippo? Bye!"

"Sure. Bye…" the fox answered. One last glimpse at the small house she'd lived in for these past months, a twinge of heart, and she was on her way home. 'Home… Strange. I don't feel like home anywhere, now. I'm coming, momma.'

The moon was bright, and lighting her path through the woods and towards the bone-eater's well. Kagome was sad to say the least. She didn't know what to expect from her time to be spent in Tokyo. What was she hoping to accomplish with her departure? What was she looking for, and why was she looking for it in her time, when all her questions rested here? She had tried to be strong, to handle all the fighting and the running with courage and fortitude. She thought herself to be strong-minded, but now… she was being broken down by the very one she loved.

Truth be told, he was probably the only one who might have been able to both strengthen and weaken her. Inuyasha held the power to either hurt or heal her… as she had the power to restrain or unleash his youkai blood. The difference was she was the one who got hurt on either occasion, while Inuyasha simply received the power to satisfy his large ego, and kill some more youkai. Well, that wasn't quite right, and she knew it, Inuyasha had saved all of them, and especially her on more occasions than she could count, but at this particular time that just wasn't enough to make up for all the emotional pain he had caused her over the years.

She'd thought that once Kikyo was actually dead, he would stop comparing her with the miko. However, it seemed that her passing away only turned her into a martyr in Inuyasha's eyes. It had been difficult enough to fight against an almost-living, perfect woman, but now she came to the realization that it was impossible to fight against the memory of a had-been perfect woman! Who died like a martyr…

'Weeell, now, I can't possibly compare to that! Sure, she wanted to drag Inuyasha with her in the underworld and confine his soul there for eternity, but hey! She was perfect while she lived, right? Sure she wanted him to suffer and writhe in pain, but they have a bond, right? The damn bond that causes me to be the unwelcome party here… although I am the one who wishes for him to be happy, and smiling… and at peace. So pathetic!'

She was almost there now. All she wanted was her old room and a good sleep in that comfortable bed of hers. The woods began to clear off from her sight, and the well appeared before Kagome merely 200m away. She cast away all her dark thoughts, in the hopes of finding that optimism she knew she still held inside. She had to separate from him, no matter what. At least for a while. Otherwise, her mental sanity would be in danger…

"Where do you think you're going?" the voice sounded loud in the quiet woods, and startled her. She jumped and turned to face whoever spoke. Inuyasha had a furious expression embedded on his face. His eyes held rage, as they held in those moments he was becoming separated from Tessaiga and his demon blood rushed to take over his hanyou body. The only difference was that now his eyes were still golden. So he was just extremely angry… Somehow, that didn't have the power to reassure Kagome.

"Home." She responded, serene.

"Keh! Like hell you are! When did you ask for permission?" His tone was threatening, and itdistressed her. She frowned, half in confusion, half in annoyance. However, she tried to keep her own voice as calm as possible. She did not have the necessary strength, or the drive to argue with him now. She just wanted to go home.

"I don't think I need your permission, Inuyasha. You have no right to ask that of me. I'm going home, regardless of your opinion." With that, she turned and stepped away from him, hoping against hope that he will not try to stop her. Inuyasha jumped in front of the girl, grabbing her arm in a tight grasp, and shaking her while he growled between his teeth:

"I have every right, Kagome. You are not leaving, and that is that. You never told me you wanted to go… home. So you're not leaving me." His face held anger and frustration. The word "home" came out like a crossword from his lips, as he realized that this was not hers. It hurt him to admit it, but she belonged somewhere else. Somewhere he had no place in. Somewhere he would never fit in.

He had been feeling Kagome's affection for him slip away with every hurt look she gave, and it scared him senseless. She might as well fall out of love with him, as she fell in love with him. He never appreciated her, and he continued his dim-witted behavior towards the girl even after Kikyo died. Even after she became his, body and soul. She trusted he would come to his senses, but he never found himself able to live up to her hopes.

Inuyasha felt powerless, gazing into Kagome's eyes and seeing nothing there. No more light of hope, no more trust and love, no more… her. His Kagome was nowhere to be found, and his frustration threatened to take over.

"Let go, Inuyasha." Her voice, even her voice punished him. It was as if she'd said 'I'm leaving to get away from you.' Torment twisted the inside of the hanyou, as he found himself trapped between the wish of this woman he loved, and his own desire. He wanted her to stay, he wanted her to hear his apologies… but it seemed it was too late.

"No… Hear me, Kagome. Stay." The words sounded much better in his mind that they did out loud, and Inuyasha realized he was clutching onto her arm excessively rough. His claws pinned her until they drew blood from the human's sensitive flesh.

"Inuyasha, stop! It hurts!" her jagged breathing reached his face, and he immediately let go when he felt a sharp pain in his arm. Kagome fell flat on the ground. His astonishment was even greater seeing that a purple aura was now circling Kagome, as if her every pore was letting it out freely. They were both amazed, but the hanyou seemed truly shaken. She had never used her miko powers on him; she always subdued him with that stupid command. Why was she doing this, now?

"Kagome…" he started, but her aura was not withdrawing. He was becoming unsettled.

"It's okay, I'm sorry I've hurt you. I did not mean to, it just…"

"Just slipped, right, Inuyasha?" she was frightened and distressed at the same time, but her voice was dim. "How many times will you slip before I get truly hurt, huh? How many times will you slip before my love becomes hatred and demise? How many times should I cry alone before you may see that I am yours, but you were never truly mine? I'm tired…"

Tears stung her throat, but there was no point in crying now. She knew it. So she swallowed her unborn tears, and watched as Inuyasha's face became livid.

"I want to leave… so that I won't be forced to drain my heart of feelings for you, Inuyasha. I'm scared of not loving you… I'm scared of hating you… But I'm terrified of not feeling anything at all for you. Can you understand? Emptiness is far more painful that hatred. So I'm leaving for now… and we'll see…" she did not have the power to say 'we'll see if I still love you and if you really love me'. So she said this: "Don't come after me. Please." Then, her body called her aura back and she was on her feet again.

As soon as she turned her back to him, Inuyasha reached out for her, and opened his mouth to stop her. But no words came out. He didn't know what he could say. It felt like she was a complete stranger, now. Kagome was forcing distance between them, and there was nothing he could do about it. If it would have been something, or someone else separating them, he would have moved mountains from their place to have her back, he would have died a thousand deaths to see her face again… but she did this by her own will, and he was helpless facing that.

So he watched her as she put worlds between them, as she built a fortress for her wounded soul, in order to protect what was left of it from his senseless, uncontainable wrath. He watched her walk away, knowing that there may not be a time for them to love each other anymore, knowing that she may eventually decide that he was not worth all the ache she had been experiencing.

After all, he hadn't given her half as much as she had been giving him for so many years. And now it was the time to call it a day. Kagome was asking for what she knew she deserved: Inuyasha's love, entirely for herself. His dreams, his every breath of life and every bit of thought was supposed to go to her. She'd given him all that a long time ago, and the waiting had been tearing to her trust for years. She was indeed tired.

Kagome's body was screaming, her heart was bleeding and her mind was crying for his embrace, for his presence and for just another look at his face. Yet her feet dragged her away from Inuyasha, driven by some unknown force that wasn't her will anymore. It was only the conscience of the fact that she had to leave, she had to part from him and from this place.

No last look, no last kiss, no last touch. She closed her eyes tightly, as she struggled not to look back. Even if she had, there would have been nothing there. Inuyasha had left in top speed, running away from the crushing feeling of loss and despair that had been creeping up inside his chest the moment she turned from him. By the time she reached the well, he was miles away from her, and still trying to outrun his feelings.

She placed her knee on the edge of the well and leaned over the opening, wondering why her entire being resented the thought of leaving like that, with all the pain she was causing. Suddenly, she felt a familiar twinge inside her, and she immediately pulled out the small bottle that held the pieces of jewel that he was guarding. They were glowing, a purple aura embracing them, much like her own miko aura seemed to pour out of her body when she was in danger.

She took off the necklace and took the pieces out. There were several small shards in her palm, and one big chunk that she managed to break off Naraku's tainted, incomplete jewel, all those years ago. She gazed upon them for a few seconds, not knowing why the shards had chosen to behave like this, in this particular moment. It was obvious that they were carrying a larger amount of holy power now than they had been these last years, and Kagome couldn't help but wondering what had caused such a sudden burst of energy.

It was true that through the past weeks, the shards occasionally pulsed with energy, but that energy was now constant, and much more powerful. She tried to climb down from the edge, but slipped, and her hand let fall two shiny pieces of purple jewel, which disappeared into the darkness of the well. She could see their holy glow, so she knew they were there, on the bottom of the well.

'Darn! You're so clumsy, Kagome!' she thought, but before she had the chance to jump into the well and finally reach her desired destination, a sharp pain hit her in the ribs, knocking her to the ground, at the base of the well. More confused than anything, Kagome looked around for the source of her distress. There was nothing but two shiny eyes staring at her, their steady glare giving her the chills.

"You… what are you doing here?" she managed to say, before a huge tentacle wrapped around her waist and carried her closer to the demon she prayed she would never see again.

"I've come for my jewel, miko. I see I'm in luck." Naraku grinned, and Kagome frowned in pain, as his grasp tightened.

"Hand it over… Or better yet, allow me…" he said, stretching out a deformed arm to clutch onto her left wrist, as his other slashed at her right upper arm, the one holding the jewel. Kagome let out a small cry.

"My mistake… " he was smiling, his cruelty revealed through every look and word.

"Let's see now… " the sharp weapon that used to be one of his fingers traced a thin path of her own blood on Kagome's arm, slashing at her skin to the palm of her hand, where the jewel stood. He stopped at the wrist, where he reacted as if he had been burnt. He frowned and gave Kagome a furious look.

"Little miko… you've purified my jewel! I thought only Kikyo was able to do that… It seems I was wrong." He thought it out for a moment, then resumed his vicious stare.

"No matter… this will only complicate things a little. Just enough to make it more fun…"

Kagome said nothing in response. 'Can't Inuyasha sense him? Why hasn't he come yet? What's he doing?' Her head spun as possible scenarios came to her mind: he was dead already, he didn't want to save her, he wasn't able to save her, he was waiting to see what Naraku was up to… no, that didn't sound like him at all. She was sure of it, if Inuyasha had known she was in danger, he would have ripped through anything to save her. That she was sure of. 'So why the delay?' She was giving Naraku a resentful look, as she fought to keep the palm of her hand tightly closed.

"You won't take the jewel from me, Naraku. You can't even touch it, you filthy scum!" He seemed amused by her sudden outbreak.

"Oh… Have you been talking to Sesshoumaru about invectives, miko? This is so his style…"

'Sesshoumaru! Even he can't sense Naraku? What's going on here?' She opened her mouth to scream, in hopes that someone would hear her, but Naraku covered the lower half of her face with another tentacle. She shuddered in disgust, but discovered that she was powerless. 'Great! My miko powers work against Inuyasha, and fail me against Naraku!' she thought, as she fought to draw out her holy powers.

She could still see the jewel's pure glow in her hand, as she could see the other half's corrupted one, inside Naraku's body. 'Why isn't this working? Maybe I'm not in real danger… The hell I'm not! He's already wounded me… The blood! Inuyasha is bound to smell my blood, and he'll come!'

"Well, miko, I guess this is it. You come with me now, for the purpose of tainting the jewel you've purified… Let's go, until that stupid hanyou smells your blood and comes rushing to your rescue. As if he'd be a mach for me…"

With that, he was up in the air and putting distance between Kagome and her potential rescuer. She was desperate, and utterly confused. 'Why didn't he come for me? Why couldn't he sense Naraku? Or is it that… he could, and simply… NO! Not possible… He would never leave me to be taken by Naraku again…'

Doubt and deception entangled in her heart, as she tried to figure out what had happened to Inuyasha. She began to think that maybe Naraku had killed him… But he couldn't possibly had the time to do that, Inuyasha would put up a fight, and this awful creature was by her side minutes after Inuyasha had left. 'He's got to be alive. No matter what, Inuyasha has to be alive!'

The forest was disappearing beneath her, as Naraku departed along with Kagome, whom he was holding tightly in his grasp. She was in some amount of pain, but her confusion was greater still, as she fought to hold hope in Inuyasha coming to her rescue. She was barely aware of Naraku's fugitive looks towards her, as they traveled at high speed above the lands, past numerous villages and cropped fields.

The silvery night gave Kagome a strange sensation of calm, which she could not understand, as she was trapped in Naraku's grip and had no means of using her power against him. That was even weirder! Why wouldn't her power react to the presence of Naraku? It always did before then, or better said, it always did when she was confronted with a threat. 'Could it be that Naraku is no threat to me at this point? But… how? He always wanted either to dispose of me for being too much trouble that I'm worth , or to use me against Inuyasha. How is this time any different?'

She held her breath as Naraku turned his face to her, and brought her closer. Kagome's face was now at half an arm's length from his. She frowned and tried to pull away, but the tentacle holding her in place did not allow her to do so. The wind blew Naraku's hair over his face and touched Kagome's cheek, causing her to let out a small startled sigh. He was smiling, but not in that fierce manner she was accustomed to. He had a genuine smile upon his face, and that seemed surreal to the miko. It made him look even more suspicious, if that was possible.

"Why are you doing this, Naraku? There's no way that I would willingly corrupt the Shikon no Tama, you know that…" Her voice was calm, and her gaze steady. She thought there was no point in begging his mercy, for he had none to give, and even so, she was too proud for that. So she tried the reasoning approach. He was still smiling, even if his features became rougher in the meantime.

"Not willingly you say, little miko, but I see your powers have failed you, did they not? Failure against me means corruption of the heart from you, miko. Think about that, and then say not willingly . I will break you, now that you have a corrupt corner of your heart."

Kagome couldn't believe that she was corrupt, that she held such hatred inside, and despised anything to the extent of permitting Naraku to use her reversed power against the ones she had been protecting, and loving. 'He's wrong. I am human, therefore I have flaws, but I will not use my power to harm any innocent being. Never!' Her face held all the determination she felt against the hanyou's plans. He let out a short laugh.

"You are doubting this… Hm… You'll see." He added, and blew over Kagome's face, giving her a small shiver. Naraku tilted his head and curiously watched her reaction.

"You humans are so impressionable. Your life is almost worthless." He shoved some space between them, and let the human breathe her own air. There was too much intensity in her stare, more than he could admit, or suffer, for that matter. 'She will die, as soon as she serves her purpose. She looks too much like Kikyo…' He paused at the thought that he might have let her live if she wouldn't bare that resemblance to his dead temptress and torment. After all, as soon as her heart would be completely corrupted, she could prove useful… for some 20 years or so. She was human… that was her main flaw.

What Naraku didn't realize was that he was giving Kagome more thought that he had for the last 7 years. And so, he never came to ask himself why he was doing it.