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A.N. I'm really sorry it took this long for this to be written. Hope you still want to read it. I had to develop some nice ideas… At least, I think they're pretty good. You'll be deciding it, though. I'm posting two chapters to make up for how late I was with them.
Enjoy!
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Chapter 11 - Sealed
Rin rarely ventured outside the wide space of Sesshoumaru's beautiful gardens, but she wanted to swim. Ever since Kagome had given her that indecent bathing suit, like she called it, and taught her how to properly swim without splashing water all over the place, she found that it was most pleasurable.
The air was heavy and hot, although summer was still to come. It was hot enough for a swim, though, and Rin loved cold water anyway. 'It will only be a short swim.' She promised to herself.
She hadn't seen Sesshoumaru-sama since the other day, when he'd kissed her. His being absent was tearing at her young heart, and she felt almost abandoned. Why wouldn't he talk to her? Why wouldn't he see her? Had she done something wrong? She was fighting with her own doubt, fighting to keep faith in his reasoning.
'He must have a good motive. I must be patient.'
Yet, cloudy unsettling thoughts invaded her mind, and she couldn't help wondering if he just toyed with her.
"Rin, I want to kiss you"
'No. He would never do that to her. He would never…' her mind told her. A tiny distressing pull at her heart still lingered, as she climbed down a hill, exiting the gardens, and looking for the river's stream.
Of course she loved the hot springs too, but she felt like having a cold one, today, and there was really nothing to stop her, was it?
Rin laughed like a small child, much like she used to laugh while decorating Jaken with wild flowers, a long time ago. She rushed down the green hill she'd just finished climbing, running as fast as her feet could carry her to the sparkling water.
She threw the clothes off her in an instant and rapidly dunked into the water. She yelped at the coldness of the river, but rejoiced the fresh feeling inside her body. She was already wearing the swimming suit.
She let her hair float on the water, and felt the cold, wet embrace of the river. Her body was tensed, and every muscle was hardening under the cold water's caress. The flow was rapid, and the bottom was rocky, and Rin felt the wilderness of this piece of land, standing up and looking behind her, where a deep forest began.
It was mid-afternoon, and still the close trees and the rich vegetation were shading the forest, making it dark and mysterious. She loved it here, loved every breath she could catch from these lands, every sound they allowed her to hear, and she felt blessed every time she did.
Her human nature couldn't understand this wild feeling, freely flowing through her veins, this madness she felt whenever she was in the middle of the nature's creations. Her human senses were often insufficient for what she was asking of them, her eyes could not pierce through the darkness of the night to see every hidden creature and every lurking wild beast.
Her skin wasn't used to opening to the air's scents and her body could not process the waves of instinctual awareness that invaded her at times. She felt like she was being betrayed by her body. She wanted to expand, to widen her entire being and take in the sights, the smells and the touches at a different level.
Rin ducked back in the cold water and swam around a little while, afterwards deciding to step out, for fear that she would become ill.
"Rin-chan?" a boy's voice sounded hesitantly from the shore, and Rin jumped. She looked to that direction, and saw a boy's back.
"Rin-chan, is it really you?" his voice sounded familiar to Rin, who had trouble placing the boy. She narrowed her eyes.
"It is me, Hikaru." He whispered, but Rin now realized who he was. A childhood memory. No, a childhood friend.
She hurried out of the water, and firmly grabbed his shoulders turning him around. He placed his hands over his face.
"It's me, Hikaru, you can look, I'm not naked!" she laughed, happily. She'd thought he died a long time ago. They used to fish together in their village river. They used to be best friends.
He slowly uncovered his eyes and two wide open brown eyes closed on Rin's glowing face.
"Rin-chan!" he said loudly, and embraced her tightly, for a few minutes, leaving and then embracing her again. Their encounter was so unexpected, and yet so welcomed, that Rin's heart was filled with joy and memories from when she was a normal child, with a whole family and a good friend: Hikaru.
He was a few years older than she was, but that never mattered to them. They had been so happy together, and the bond between them had been so strong, that only death could break it, even if not erase it. And that was what Rin had thought became of her friend. She'd thought him dead, at the merciless swords of those bandits who had killed her family and her fellow villagers.
Between hugs and kisses on both cheeks, the two stood by the river bench and remembered the times they both loved so much. Their fishing expeditions, although Hikaru had always been better at it that she could have ever been. Their laughs in the cold river's waters. Rin smiled at that thought. She'd been left with the thrill of the cold river from her adventures with Hikaru.
All the pure joys of their childhood were revived, as they talked the day away, both forgetting about the world around them. She found out that he lived nearby, in a village on The Western Lord's domain, and he was astonished when Rin confessed to have been raised by the great taiyoukai himself.
"Oh, I really should get back, Hikaru. But now that I know you live here, I'll come visit and you can come too. Just let me ask him for permission. I'm so happy!" she hugged him again, and he did the same, a little doubtful that the Lord would allow such an insignificant human as himself to cross his doorway. But he could see Rin anywhere.
They parted with light hearts, both smiling and relieved, finding the other alive and well. Rin rapidly ran up the hill and headed at top speed to the castle. It was beginning to get dark, and she didn't want anybody to get worried over her. Especially Sesshoumaru-sama. She wondered where he was. Where he had been today.
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"Jaken, is he home?" she breathed heavily from the run, and hurriedly cornered the toad at the main entrance in the castle.
"Lord Sesshoumaru is in the library, girl, but…." She smiled and ran to the heavy doors of the library, disregarding the desperate cries of the poor creature she left behind.
She wanted to tell her Lord the great news. Her beloved friend was alive! He was alive and well and living practically next door! She wanted to share her joy with him, she wanted to smile up at him and feel his icy appearance melt just a little at the sight of her face. She loved that.
So Rin ran, she ran and pushed the doors open with some effort, not minding to knock anymore. She was too excited.
"Oh, Sesshoumaru-sama I have the most…" her voice filled the silent room, but was cut abruptly by the sight of him. He was seated at his huge desk, and a few books rested on the floor, pages ripped out and thrown aside carelessly.
She froze, turning her eyes from the paining sight of the torn books to his inexpressive face, and back to the books.
She finally settled her gaze on his face. He was sitting relaxed, unceremoniously on the large chair, an arm thrown over the back of the chair, his head dropped to his chest, and a few strands of silver hair covering his forehead and eyes. Still, his look was stabbing her, and even more so after he sniffed the air a little, and twitched his upper lip with a growl.
She was almost afraid to say something. His look scared her a little. It seemed like he was angry… but he had never acted like this before. Had he ripped those books like that? Why would he do that? She opened her mouth to ask him something, but his husky voice silenced her.
"Where were you, Rin?" He tilted his head a little to the side, and narrowed his eyes. She frowned. She didn't understand. Why was he being like this? She often disappeared for half a day when she wanted to read or swim or just sit alone, and he never minded that before
"For a swim, and…"
"And a little meeting." He added, not allowing her to finish the sentence. Rin's hands rested on the doors, and he gave a nod towards them.
"Close the doors." He ordered, the coldness in his voice scaring the girl. She complied, and remained there, not knowing what else to do. She watched in horror how his eyes burnt at her face, as he stood up from the chair and began walking around the desk, towards her.
His head was still a little bowed, and his eyes unmoving from her face. He came closer, until he hovered above her. Rin looked up in awe. His fiery stare drove her blood faster through the veins. She felt cornered. What had she done wrong? She couldn't understand!
Slowly, agonizingly slow, he leaned his head to her and with a swift motion caught her jaw, forcing her head on the side. He leaned into the meeting of her neck and shoulder and sniffed her scent. Rin backed from his rough touch and hit the doors with her shoulders, pressing herself further into the massive wood.
"Sit still." His voice was almost a growl, as the tip of his nose trailed up and down her neck and collarbone, in short movements. She felt him stiffen, his every muscle becoming tense. Sesshoumaru clenched his teeth and could feel his fangs rubbing against each other, as the smell invaded his nostrils. A male's scent.
He came closer to her, reaching with his other hand to push away the kimono on her shoulder. Once the soft curve bare, he slowly traced a path on her skin, taking in her sweet wild scent, and that infuriating male's scent lingering on her beautiful skin.
'Who dared touch her?' He couldn't think straight. Rin was his. Everyone knew it. She was HIS. So who was this man? She'd touched her on her neck, on her face and shoulder. He was afraid to find out where else.
Rin was rigid and breathing heavily. Her chest lifted and fell in uneven motions, and she tried to comprehend Sesshoumaru-sama's behavior. He had been so gentle the day before, she was sure he would… but he was a demon, and she had made a huge mistake thinking that he would act on mild emotion.
Even his kiss was an act of wild, raw excitement, of instinct. "I want to kiss you." Want. Want to kiss you… he wanted something, and he took it.
His claws were securely pressing at her neck, holding her head against the door. His other hand had just pushed her clothing off her shoulder, and she felt scared but excited at the same time. It was an odd feeling.
His movement was slow as he sniffed her skin, and Rin whimpered when he clenched his claws on her neck, pricking at her sensitive flesh. However, he did not seem to notice her pain.
She felt the ties of her clothing unfold, and his hand parting the cut of her kimono to one side. She wore nothing but that peculiar bathing suit. Molted metal seemed to rush through her blood as he let out a deep growl from his throat at the sight of her body.
Sesshoumaru dreaded that he had to do this to her, he hated giving into his instincts, into the animalistic side of him, but the moment he'd caught her scent, his mind was clouded and he couldn't see but red in front of his eyes.
He had stormed into the library and ripped at what he could get his claws on first. The girl hadn't seen him in the gardens, and continued her run. But he had arrived there first.
Now she was pushed against these doors, like a prey awaiting the predator's cruel kiss of death. He could smell her fear, her excitement, and strangely enough it made him even more furious. It drove him mad. How dare she mock him like this? How dare she let another touch her?
He lowered his head and pulled at her sleeve down. Half her kimono was off, the other half hanging loosely on her stiff body. His nose followed the line of her breast, down on her ribs, barely touching her. His free hand followed, and he stopped to place his fingers on her lower stomach, slightly lifting his head to look at her skin. He was almost afraid…
He looked up at her face, and saw a pained Rin eyeing him, scared. She was waiting. She was waiting for him to finish his inspection, and when he would find that everything was as it should be, whatever he was looking for, he would stop. He would stop hurting her. His fingers gave her a chill. She closed her eyes for a second, then caught his look.
He was almost wording out a plea. What was he looking for?
Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and approached the midsection of her body, his nose touching her bellybutton. His breath was controlled, and she felt it like it was an open flame.
After a moment, he let out a deep breath and released the hurtful grip on her jaw. He placed his hand on her stomach, resting his forehead on her naked body for a second. His white, perfect fingers made a strange contrast with her chocolate tanned skin. He moved his hands away and red marks were left. Blood marks. He had hurt her. Her blood was on his hand, the hand that held her head turned to the side.
He stood up and dared not touch her anymore. She was looking at him, blood trailing down her neck in a thin path. Her face was confused, and pained. Rin didn't mind the physical ache much. It had been his attitude she feared. He had taken another look. He had become the cornered beast again.
She didn't move, just stood there against the doors and gazed at him.
"Have you found what you were looking for?" her voice was so dim that he could barely hear it. He could die for that look she was giving him. He had hurt her, insulted her with his actions, thought the worst of her, and she stood there asking something like that. She wasn't even making an attempt to cover her almost bare body. He frowned.
"Is it over now?" again, that pained voice. Had he hurt her so much? He reached for her sleeve and pulled up the fabric, covering her. This possessive outburst was so unlike him, he had never felt threatened in this way. And by a human man. How shameful. How weak!
Sesshoumaru was disgusted with himself, with the way he had behaved, but a moment of lucidity told him that this outburst was the proof for something he hadn't dared acknowledge until then. He saw Rin as his not only in the belonging sense of the word, but in his right to claim her as his. 'Claim her? Only youkai mates claim one another.'
His vision blurred for a second, as the small human continued to stare at him. She seemed more relaxed now, although she was still panting. He could not do this to her. She was a child, even on human terms. But she acted so unlike her age… so unlike her species… so unlike anybody he had ever met.
Her mind was mature and her soul as deep as the seas. She had eyes for all the things other humans and youkai failed to see. She had thoughts of things he'd never dreamed of before. She was different.
"I've hurt you." His voice caressed her bruised senses. He wanted to wipe that blood off her neck, but something was holding him from touching her. She was perfect, standing there, with her wide open, black pools of humanity, her raven hair messy and her clothing hanging slackly over her form. She was perfect, silent and still.
"You've scared me." She corrected, and wiped the blood off.
"This is nothing." She continued, staring up at him.
"What did you think?"
Her mind had provided her with her answer to that very question the moment he lowered his head to her stomach, and a little lower still. He had thought she and her friend were… Rin couldn't even bring herself to think such a thing. Their repeated embraces had left her skin covered with the boy's scent, and Sesshoumaru-sama caught it. He was mad with her.
Her head shook a few times, and she sighed shallowly. The look on his face was unlike anything she'd ever seen. He regretted his actions, but did not really know how to word it out. Rin was betting that Sesshoumaru-sama had never apologized in his life.
Her features detensed a little, and Sesshoumaru found himself more at ease. The grip this girl had on his emotions was tremendous. Dangerously strong.
Rin tied her kimono in silence. Without looking at him. She was almost disappointed. How could he think something like that? How could he insult her like that? Aside the fact that she'd just kissed him the day before, she would never become anybody's woman so easily. Never. And she'd never really loved any man.
Her arm stretched out in front of her and pushed his chest back. Sesshoumaru allowed her to push him away, and when she was free to do so, she opened the heavy doors just enough to slip between them. She closed them silently behind her, and left the taiyoukai alone in the torn library, staring at the lack of her presence.
He had read the disappointment on her face; her eyes were glassy with those damned tears she never allowed to escape in front of him. Of course he'd insulted her. He knew it now, he'd known it from the moment he forced her head against those doors.
But he couldn't help himself. He had to know for sure that she was still untouched. And when he didn't pick up any scent saying she'd mated, it seemed like he could breathe again. He could live again. His Rin was still his.
His Rin would forever be his. The matter was that now, she was gone. He turned to look at the torn books, proofs of his boiling youkai blood. He picked them up himself and cleaned the place, not wanting anyone to know that he'd lost his temper in such a blatant manner. He had to sort this out somehow.
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Rin was looking out the window, in her room. She didn't see much, it was completely dark by now and the gardens were drenched in the black light of the night. Not even the moon wanted to see her. Her arms were around her waist and she was leaning against the frame of the window. Her mind was blank. She didn't want to think about what she was feeling.
She didn't want to think about his lack of trust in her, about his silent accusations and hurtful manner in which he had treated her. It seemed like she was no more than a property, a woman meant to be at his disposal, and his disposal only, whenever he chose.
She'd thought he looked at her differently. She'd thought he appreciated her… a little. She didn't want to be disappointed in him. So she forced her thoughts out of her head, and pushed her feelings deep in her heart. She was frequently doing this, especially when she didn't want him to see how weak she felt. How vulnerable she was. How human.
"Rin." His voice sounded calm. Damned, she'd left the door open! She really, really didn't want to see him now. Really. She didn't want to look into his face and see that cold, goddamned mask he so swiftly and easily pulled over his features. She didn't want to look into his eyes and see nothing there. She knew he felt something, and it tore at her heart every time he would close himself from her.
She didn't want to listen to his inexpressive voice and those condescending remarks of her casting aside her humanity! She hadn't been human anymore from the moment he revived her. She had been under a continuous change, and what she was now neither fitted humans, nor youkai. She almost hated who she was.
She felt out of place with humans, she felt out of place with youkai. But she wanted to fall into place with him. She needed him to trust her enough for that. She would throw away both human and demonic nature, for him. If he could just trust her.
She heard his soft footsteps, and felt him stop just behind her. Rin shivered for a second, when his heavy hair fell over her shoulder. He was leaning above her. She resisted the urge to turn around. She couldn't bear to look into his face and see nothing. Not anymore.
"I don't want to talk to you right now." She said, flatly. He immediately straightened his body and took some distance, staring at this human's back. This human who had dismissed him so easily. Sesshoumaru clenched his teeth and took a deep breath. He didn't want to scare her anymore.
"But I want to talk to you, Rin." He was so calm! So presumptuous! She'd just about had it with him having his way every time he damned well pleased! She was tired of keeping her feelings in, and keeping her tears from falling, for fear he would see her as weak.
She could feel her throat ache, and her insides boil with anger. She was who she was, and that was all.
"Does it always have to be all about what Sesshoumaru-sama wants?" she had turned and was now looking at him intensely, her eyes shooting spears at him. Her arms were still around her waist.
He had been wrong thinking that he could argue with her. She was furious, and he usually had so little patience that he feared he would hurt her.
"Do not use that tone with me, Rin."
'Calm. Cold. So damned well controlled!' she thought, and that only fueled her anger, her sudden rush of blood to the head. She wanted to shut his mouth. She wanted him to lose control over her, and over himself. She wanted the youkai to stop being so damned composed!
"Why not? You always use it with others."
"Not with you." It was true. She'd been rude and condescending. But Rin couldn't care less.
"You hurt me. You scared me. You humiliated me with your assumptions, Sesshoumaru. You don't trust me. How am I to love you when you treat me like an asset? Tell me." Now she was the cold, calculated one. She shook her head slowly.
Sesshoumaru didn't notice the lack of title after his name. "How am I to love you…?" Love. He almost closed his eyes. Instead he blinked, and settled his gaze on Rin's face.
She wasn't looking at him, but eyeing the floor. He frowned.
"I do not do that. You are not my possession, Rin."
'Lie!' his mind screamed back at him. He did think of her as his, but maybe not in the way she figured he was.
"At least don't deny it. It's not like you." She shot her eyes up at him, and found that placid expression painted on his face. She wanted to wipe it off, and fast.
"You don't let me love you the way I know I can. I'm not as weak as you think, Sesshoumaru. You're insulting me with your assumptions, and enough is enough. You know I'll be grateful to you my entire life for what you gave me, but if you can't trust me with more, leave it at that. Just… leave it at that."
His was wavering. She'd done it. She knew now that he wanted more from her, there was no turning back. Their kiss had not been in vain. She knew he wanted her, but she couldn't fully understand him. She'd caught glimpses of his feelings, but that was only what he let escape that cold mask of his, and it wasn't enough. Not by far.
But she knew he wanted her. She only hoped he could love her, too, because lust and love were two different things. She vaguely wondered if she could eventually settle for his lust, if love would prove impossible between them. A small voice inside her said that she could settle for just desire, she could just settle for him just wanting her, without actually loving her. But did she want that? Obviously, no.
"I do not think you as weak, Rin. I never have. I am aware of your nature and I never asked the impossible of you. I only wanted you to develop into all that you could become. You have an exceptional mind, I have observed you since you were a child, and the day you asked me if you could learn to read and write put the seal on your nature. You are different."
He'd been almost normal with his tone. No coldness, no distance between them.
"I'm not a child anymore, Sesshoumaru. I haven't been one for some years, now. Haven't you noticed that?" She was sad, and it showed in her voice. Boy, had he noticed! Her smart remarks were constantly pulling at his intelligence, and he'd began to notice how witty she'd become for a few good years.
Her thoughts were deeper, and the look in her eyes more mysterious. She had become intriguing, almost a mystery to him. He'd thought he knew her, but he didn't at all. Now he saw that he didn't really shape Rin, but that she was only holding back things for fear she would disappoint him.
But that wasn't really who she was. This was who she was, this passionate being, smart and beautiful in more ways than even his eyes could perceive.
"I think there was a small amount of time in which you were allowed to be a child, Rin." She looked at him with wide open eyes.
"I don't regret anything. My only regret is that you don't trust me." She whispered, not wanting to cry. Something stirred inside her heart, and she wondered if she should tell him what she felt. If not now, then when?
"I love you so much it hurts, Sesshoumaru. Every time I see you so closed, so caged within yourself, so cold, it hurts me like a flesh wound. I love you, I want to see you… at ease." She'd intended to say "happy", but she figured it would be a little too much to ask from him, all of a sudden.
He froze at her words, and found that he was speechless. Her love was true, he could tell. He never knew she worried about him, he couldn't have imagined that a human like her could actually care about protecting a youkai like him. He was so strong compared to her, it didn't make sense. Since when did humans want to protect youkai?
Sesshoumaru paused on his thought, and saw his mistake. He was judging her by her species. Rin was in a league of her own, and so was he. She was different, he'd been the one to say it.
"I love you so much it hurts, Sesshoumaru."
But she was so sad… All he wanted was to stop her sadness, to embrace her and let her show her every emotion and every worry. She was still holding back, he could tell. She wasn't angry anymore, but sad. What could he do?
Breaking eye contact, Sesshoumaru looked to one side, and took a deep breath. Of course he loved her, what kind of fool would deny that? But did he love her as his ward, his friend, his mate, his child…? Maybe all of them. The feelings she rose inside him were so complex, that one single kind of love was not nearly enough to satisfy his soul. He loved her every way he could.
"I'm closing myself because I love you too, my Rin. I don't want to hurt you." Rin looked into his eyes, and shivered at what she saw. Sesshoumaru's face was showing pain, worry, love, an array of emotion that made him look surreal. His beautiful face was a parade of feelings, so different from what he normally looked like, that she couldn't believe it was really him.
She thanked God he understood her, and sprung forward, landing against his chest. He closed his arms on her tiny body and lowered his head to rest on hers.
"You'd hurt me more if you didn't let me in. I want to understand you, but I cannot see you if you keep hiding from me." She shook her head, as silent tears wet her skin and his clothes.
"You'll never be alone again. Not as long as I am here. You don't have to be so alone, Sesshoumaru." Her voice was so soft, and held so much love and worry, that it almost overwhelmed him. He pressed his eyes closed and tightened his embrace.
He didn't want to be alone anymore.