A/N: Hey again, guys. I'm so ashamed of myself- I only finished this chapter last night. I know, I know, talk about leaving it to the last minute. But, to make up for it, this is the longest chapter in the ENTIRE story. At 3000 words, (well, okay, it's exactly 17 words short of it) not including the author's note, it is FREAKING LONG. But yeah… what can I say? I just couldn't stop. Oh, and by the way, in the last part of this chapter there's kind of a bit of parody, so you've been warned. But don't worry, it's not too much. See if you can spot it… :D
So yeah. And guys, where have all my reviewers gone? I mean, I only had NINE reviews last chapter. Once upon a time, I had sixteen reviews in one chapter…
But don't get me wrong. I love all my reviewers! You guys rock! And I was pretty surprised at some of last chapter's reviews. Because, in my (humble) opinion, it wasn't all that great. I certainly didn't think it was all that funny… but you guys are so cool, you decided to humour me! (Or you really DID think it was funny… which, you know, wouldn't be all bad either :P )
Thanks to Banoffee, shadow929, LilJester, sarcastic spastic, lucid-03-days, shayacatalystscifigirl, CatherineMcq, MotherCrumpet, snuffles101!
Okay. So next chapter will complete the month of October, and we will be going into November… finally! Lol. Nine chapters for one month… Katie sure does have a lot going on in her life:D
And wow, this is a really long author note… hmm… so is the story! Wow. I wonder if I have short author notes in the short chapters… Anyway, I'll let you peoples get on with it. Read and review, please!
October 26th
We got a month of detention and an 'official warning' which can't have been THAT official because it wasn't even written down.
And sure, McGonagall nearly blew a casket when she found out what we'd done. I think she ranted more than Snape. Then she was all, "Dumbledore will hear about this!" too, just like Snape was. I mean, do they get scripts they have to rehearse just in case some retarded teenagers take it into their heads to sneak out of the castle and play with dementors, or something?
Oh yeah. The dementor. It was okay, 'cos unfortunately it didn't eat Snape. In fact, it wasn't even a dementor. It turned out to be a smelly old black sheet that a drunken villager had decided to wave around and see who got scared. I mean, I can sort of understand why he was drunk, because I heard Snape say his name was something like 'Munfungus Fetcher' or something. I'd be getting pissed too, if that were my name.
Anyway, Dumbledore never ended up talking to us, because he had to go and sort out the Munfungus dude. Instead he left it up to good old Minerva to think up an interesting punishment. And yeah, she wasn't even creative. Like a month's detention is something new. Not.
Fred and George had detention too, for setting the potions room on fire. Except they wouldn't put us all in the same room, like to scrub all the ashes or whatever. I get the feeling that they don't trust us.
Angelina and Alicia didn't have detention. Well, Alicia got one for harassing Snape about the O.W.L.'s, but then he never bothered to assign her something to do so she just went back to the common room.
I guess it hasn't been TOO bad, except for the fact that we start at five and go till twelve. I mean, when do they expect me to do their stupid homework? History of Magic, I suppose.
And the fact they won't let me and Lee do the same thing. Like, Lee gets to polish all the trophies, whilst I have to clean up all the puke, rubbish, etc that kids have dropped in the hallways. The only good thing about that was one time I had to mop a corridor outside Ravenclaw, and I 'accidentally' forgot to put a 'Wet floor' sign up. Then Stormie McNamara came along, and wham! Slipped over and practically broke her bum. I mean, I wouldn't have done it if I thought she would be SERIOUSLY hurt, and she didn't even have to go to the Hospital Wing. I was all, "Oh my god! I am so sorry, Stormie!" and she just glared at me and tried to walk off. Except for the minor fact she couldn't walk properly, so she looked like she was constipated. Walked like it, too.
That was pretty funny. And then Connie Cretin snapped a photo, and that was even funnier.
So Lee and me have been doing detention for like, a week and half now. And we've practically cleaned the whole school! Seriously. There's like nothing left to clean. Apart from Snape's hair, but I'm glad they're not going to make us clean that.
I wonder what they'll dream up tonight.
I go downstairs to find Lee, so we can walk to Snape's office together. Safety in numbers, you know- otherwise the Slytherins might try and decapitate us, or something. Fred and George finished their detentions last Saturday.
"Ready to go?" I ask gloomily as soon as I sneak up behind Lee.
He whirls around, then smiles and gives me a kiss. "Ready when you are," he says cheerfully. Uh, Lee? We're going to detention with Snape. Nothing to be cheerful about.
"Come on," I say, tugging at his sleeve. "Otherwise the Slytherins might try and decapitate us."
"Right…" Lee says, rolling his eyes. "We don't want to keep them waiting, then do we?"
I wave goodbye to Angelina and Alicia and Fred and George ("Oh, when are thy going to see thou again?") and leave.
We walk down to Snape's office, but when I knock, nobody answers. So me and Lee decide to do something to pass the time.
"I spy with my little eye," I begin, "something beginning with 'D'."
"Door?" Lee guesses, smiling maniacally at me.
"Oh my god! However did you get that?" I ask dramatically, like it was hard. I happen to be standing right across from it.
Lee shrugs modestly. "Guess I just have a high IQ," he answers.
"At least your high one can make up for my lack of one," I say brightly.
"Come on, Katie," Lee says encouragingly. "You're not dumb-"
Aw. Isn't that SWEET?
"-Well, not much, anyway." He finishes.
Oh yeah. Thanks Lee. Thanks a lot.
"I have a better idea, instead of playing 'I Spy'," Lee says conversationally, turning to face me.
I raise an eyebrow. (And yes, I have perfected that. It took me four years in History of Magic, but I finally achieved it!) "And what is that?" I ask curiously.
"This," Lee says.
We were just in the middle of (yet another) very nice snog when I hear a person clear their throat. I look up and start gasping for air; I'm laughing so much. I mean, it's so IRONIC it's laughable. Beside me, Lee starts shaking too.
Snape glares menacingly at us. "If you don't mind, please refrain from such blatant displays of public affection in the future." It looks like it's killing him to say it.
Oh, this is TOO good. I only wish Connie Cretin were here right now to get a shot of Snape's face.
And yes, we do mind. "Sorry, Sir," I say instead. "It won't happen in the dungeons again."
"I would prefer it to not happen anywhere," Snape says, emphasising the word coldly.
I wonder if he had a secret lover when he was at Hogwarts, only a teacher yelled at him not to make out with her any more, and then the girl dumped him because she wasn't getting any action? Or maybe she dumped him because the grease was dripping off his hair onto her clothes, and she couldn't wash it out.
"Yes, Professor," Lee says solemnly, struggling not to grin.
"Good. Now today you will have a different task," Snape says, his colour slowly going back to his normal 'I've-been-dead-for-a-day' tone. "You will be going into the Forbidden Forest."
No. Way. He can't DO this to us! I'm too young to die! I mean, is he even ALLOWED to do that? I'm sure it's illegal. I ALWAYS knew he was a Death Eater- maybe he wants to feed us to the dementors! (And the real ones, not black sheets that crazy drunk people with wanky names shake about)
Lee's eyes just about bulge out of his head. "Pardon?" he asks incredulously.
"You will be going into the Forbidden Forest to look for Wolfsbane," Snape snapped, "and that is the end of it."
Hang on a minute. Why Wolfsbane? Why not, like, Cornish pixies or whatever? I mean, it's not as if we have a werewolf running around the school or anything.
"Why Wolfsbane?" Lee blurts out. Freaky- we're even starting to THINK the same things. When Snape glares at him, Lee ads meekly, "sir."
Snape looks impatient. "Never mind. Wait here." Then he turns around abruptly, heading back up the hallway.
"This is illegal, isn't it?" I say loudly to Lee. "He can't actually make us go out there, right?"
"With all the dementors and escaped prisoners?" Lee finishes my thought. "I hope not."
I shrug. "Oh well. At least I have you to protect me, right?" I say teasingly.
Lee shudders. "I'll be hiding behind you," he says cheerfully, punching me in the arm. "So put on your best scary face."
"Like this?" I ask, twisting my face up. I mean, it's probably not complimentary, but hey. At least I don't go around crying that a hair fell out of place.
"Nah," Lee says slowly. "More like- your normal face," he finishes, grinning at me.
"I hate you!" I howl. "Are you saying I'm ugly?"
"Never," Lee assures me, putting an arm around my shoulders. "Just-" he leans forward to whisper in my ear conspiringly- "scary."
"Hm." I answer distractedly. I've learned to block Lee out. Well, mostly.
Then Snape comes back and starts glaring at us.
"Sir?" I say timidly, putting up a hand like I'm in class or something. Oh, wait. I don't put up my hand anyway… silly me.
"Miss Bell?" he points at me. Wicked. We're doing the whole 'we-can't-talk-normally-unless-it's-in-a-classroom-thing'.
"Well sir," I say, putting my arm down slowly, "are there werewolves in the forest?"
Snape stares at me loathingly. "No," he snaps. "Because in case you haven't noticed, it is not the full moon, Bell."
Oh. Right. But still… they could be waiting to attack us, with the minor fact that they're not actually transformed. I mean, I reckon they could still poke my eyes out. And, you know, I need my eyes to SEE.
Lee sighs loudly. "You're not serious about this, professor," he says, raising an eyebrow. (Yeah, Lee can do it too! I practiced on him, seeing as how I can't actually tell if one eyebrow or two were going up, or if I was doing the whole 'squinty-eye-thing'. You know, where no one knows if you're attempting to wink or if you're just constipated.)
I sort of feel sorry for Snape. A tiny bit. Maybe not even that. But still, I mean he has to keep explaining to a couple of thick teenagers that they're going out into a DARK, SCARY FOREST, and will then have to FIND SOME WOLFBANE, whilst trying to AVOID the DEADLY DEMENTORS, ESCAPED LOONYS and RABID WOLVES.
Yeah. I sort of feel sorry for him.
So he takes us outside, and knocks on Hagrid's hut before leaving to 'attend to unfinished business.' Yeah, right. I mean, in movies and books and stuff, the evil villains ALWAYS say that, and then they like, go to a room so they can watch their victims go through a meat-processor or whatever. And then they tap their fingers and laugh maniacally, much in the way Lee does when Professor Flitwick falls off his pile of books in charms and then tries to climb back up.
"Hey, Hagrid!" I say, all enthusiastically like we're just here for some rock cakes and not to play with dangerous creatures.
"Well, 'ello there… uh…" Oh, shit. He doesn't even know my NAME. What am I, like an unknown FREAK, or something?
"Katie!" he exclaims, upon finally remembering it. "And Lee. What did yeh two do now?' he says reprovingly, looking down at us.
Even though Hagrid is like, the nicest half-giant in the world, he's still really scary. I mean, think about it. If you had someone who was over three feet taller, bearing down on you, it would not be that much fun.
"Oh, you know," I say vaguely, "this and that. Not much."
At the same time, Lee says, "we snuck out of Hogwarts."
"Oh, that's nice… Yeh did WHAT?" Hagrid bellows.
"Uh, yeah…" I say, stepping up. "Listen Hagrid, we need to borrow a lantern, please," I say nicely.
"Sure," Hagrid says brightly, rummaging around in one of his trunks. "Here yeh go…" he says, tossing it at Lee.
"Thanks," I reply. Hagrid clearly wants to go to bed or whatever, so I go, "bye!" and cheerfully turn back around and go down the steps. "Ready?" I whisper to Lee, feeling around for his hand in the dark. "Uh, Lee? You can turn on the light now," I add.
"Right." The light comes on, and so we slowly start to advance towards the forest.
"Lee?" I ask.
"Yeah?"
"What does Wolfsbane even look like?"
"I thought you knew."
"Nope."
"I don't."
"Good one." So that was that. We were looking for something and we didn't even know what it bloody LOOKED like. "Maybe it's that bluish grey mushroomy thing…" I venture.
"Nah. That's Horney's Slimy Salamander Toadstools," Lee replies dismissively.
"Who the fuck named that?" I wonder aloud.
Lee laughs. "I think Horney was some guy who just happened to find it one day," he says.
"Lee?"
"Yeah?"
"Never, ever, say the name 'Horney' again. Please."
"Horney," Lee mumbles, laughing hysterically. I mean, what sort of person laughs at their own lame jokes? Oh, wait… That'd be me.
The forest is dark and scary, and all these strange noises are coming from it. Ones that make you stop and go, "whoa! What is going ON in here?" And then you see a few dozen pairs of freaky eyes staring up at you and you're all, "Oh yeah. That's what."
I stop suddenly, and Lee crashes into me. I don't know why he's behind me, seeing as how he has the lamp and all. Oh well. Girl power!
"Jeez, Bell," he complains, rubbing his chest where it collided with my head. "You've got a hard head."
"Shh!" I think I see something moving in the bushes up ahead. It's hard to tell what, though. The rustling gets louder and louder, until…
A huge, ugly orange cat leaps out of the bushes and starts hissing at us.
"It's a cat." Lee says flatly.
"You think?" I reply sarcastically. But for some strange reason, it looks really familiar. "I don't think he's very happy about us being out after dark," I say brightly.
"You think?" Lee echoes sarcastically. But he takes a step back, just in case, pulling me with him.
The freaky orange cat keeps on hissing and spitting at us, and every now and then it moves forward a step, so that Lee and I have to move back. I mean, what sort of self-respecting witch (or wizard) keeps an ORANGE cat? It's just not done.
"This is weird," I say, watching as the large cat-like creature (I don't think I should give it the privilege of being called a cat… it doesn't even remotely RESEMBLE one) hisses menacingly at us, creeping ever so slightly forward.
"I don't like cats," Lee says unexpectedly.
"Neither," I reply, not taking my eyes off the Thing.
"I know where I've seen it before!" Lee crows suddenly, startling me. "It looks just like Professor Lockhart," he says.
Wow. That's really harsh. I mean, even though this cat is like, way ugly and all, Lee's being a bit mean saying that it looks like him. Then I tilt my head to the side and squint at it. "Yeah," I say. "It really does look like him!"
Lee looks smug, but just at that moment a great black shadow leaps past us. "Shit," Lee swears, "did you see that?"
Nah, Lee. It practically ran into me, but nah, I must've missed it. "Yeah," I say.
The Thing isn't even scared of it. Like, it just keeps advancing towards us, licking its cat-like lips as it savours the thought os roasting us on a stick…
Okay, okay. Not even huge, Lockhart-resembling cats can do that. But if it could, that's exactly what it would have.
"Lee," I say, "if I die, will you miss me?" Have I mentioned that I am a very morbid child?
"Sure," Lee says lightly. "Then I couldn't see you cry when you see something pink-" he shuts up as I elbow him in the stomach. Hard.
Just as I'm sure it will start biting me on the ankle or something, so that I'll have to try and kick it off, and it will end up flying in the air, still attached to my leg, a funny noise suddenly roars out of the forest. An old blue Ford is in front of us, with its doors wide open, practically inviting me and Lee to hop in and get out of here.
"No… way…" Lee breathes as he looks at it. And no wonder! The Weasley's car is in the middle of the Forbidden Forest, about to drive us away to safety. It's so crazy; people might actually believe it!
"I always knew Ron and Harry didn't smash it," I say satisfactorily, racing for the driver's side and jumping in.
"Not much, anyway," Lee adds grimly, peering through the smashed windscreen as the Thing continues to hiss at us. "Why do you get to go in the driver's seat? I'm older," he pouts.
"Yeah, but I'm more mature," I counter, sticking my tongue out at him.
Lee just raises an eyebrow, and suddenly we hear a noise like nails scraping on metal, and I turn around to see that the Thing has leapt up onto the car and is meowing from the back.
"Drive!" Lee yells, turning around and glaring at the Thing.
"I'm trying!" I yell back, taking my hand off the funny knobby thing long enough to punch him in the arm. "Stop telling me what to do." I stay silent for a moment, before I suddenly remember that I'm supposed to be driving us out of the forest.
It turns out I don't have to try and figure out which way to turn the steering wheel, etc, because the car suddenly takes off on it's own. We hear a funny wail coming from behind us, and I turn around to see the Thing, in all it's orange glory, fall off the back of the car. Lee and I both start to snicker. Classic.
The car dumps us at the edge of the forest, and Lee picks himself up cheerfully. "Well, that was fun," he says, grinning at me.
"Yeah," I reply brightly.
"Ready to go?"
"In a sec. I just want to grab some of Horney's Slimy Salamander Toadstools," I snigger. One never knows when they might come in handy.