Author's Note: This chapter totally kicked my ass. It took me forever to get it right. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Dick Wolf's. No money. Don't sue.
Title: Keeping It Together
By: Marion
Chapter: 9"She died and I feel relieved. How can you love someone who feels relief at the death of his own mother?"
Understanding dawned on Alex's face. "Oh, Bobby," she breathed, her voice raw with emotion. She put her hands on his face, forcing him to look at her. "There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you love her any less."
"It feels wrong," he said, struggling to pull away.
She held on. "Talk to me, Bobby. Tell me what you're feeling."
"I don't … I can't … I don't know," he mumbled, still trying to hide his face. He felt so ashamed.
"You've taken care of your mother since you were a little boy," said Alex. "You were a good son. I know she thought so."
He broke free of her grasp and began to pace.
"She's free, now," he said. "From her pain, and her mind. She's at peace." His words sounded rational but it was like he was trying to convince himself, a look of turmoil on his face.
"Yes she is," Alex agreed. "She's free, Bobby, and so are you. Taking care of her was a big responsibility and you shouldered it so young."
"I miss her," he said softly, his voice breaking. "I talked to her every day."
"I know," said Alex, rising and gently pulling him back to the couch. She stroked his stubbly cheek.
"Why do I feel so messed up?" he cried, tears flowing down his face.
"This is a huge change in your life," she said soothingly. "Taking care of your mother has always been important to you. Now that you don't have to do it anymore, you're going to feel different. And I know you know it, in your head. It's okay to feel how you feel. I'd be more worried if you didn't feel some relief."
He buried his face in his hands. "It's scary. Like what if I completely missed out on life, waiting for her to die. I don't want to have been waiting for her to die. I don't want to resent her like that."
"I don't think that you do," said Alex. "Your emotions are running high, right now. And there's no denying life dealt you a shitty hand, Bobby. I can't imagine growing up in your shoes. Its okay to admit it was tough, and that it might get better or that you at least have less responsibility, now. But you loved your mother."
"She was the best thing in my life for so long," said Bobby. "And the worst."
"You always did right by her, Bobby. She knew how much you loved her," said Alex. "Your mother was a smart lady. She knew it was hard on you, too."
"What am I going to do with out her? It's nice to be needed. To be loved and wanted even in such a fractured way."
Alex wrapped her arms around him. "You're going to get through this. I love you, and even if in your wildest self-doubts you think I'm wasting my love, I'll go right on loving you just the same. There is more to your life than your mother. I know the world seems broken right now, but it will get better."
"What good deed did I do to deserve you?" Bobby whispered.
She smiled. "You're just you. Come on, I'll tuck you in." She tugged him up from the couch, steering him toward the spare bedroom.
"Alex, could I…" he stopped.
"Yeah, Bobby?"
He bit his lip. "Never mind."
She studied the emotions flitting across his features. "You don't want to be alone," she said. It wasn't a question. She headed for her own room, her big partner in tow.
He pulled up short. "I can't ask to sleep in your bed," he said.
"You didn't," she said, giving him a firm tug toward her room. "I'll make you a deal, Bobby. I still get nightmares. You be my teddy bear, I'll be yours."
The fight went out of him. "You're sure you don't mind?"
"Bobby, I'm sleepy. Can we go to bed, now?"
"Okay," he said, still confused as hell.
She curled up on one side of her bed and he lay down on the other. When he didn't move closer to her after a minute, she scooted over to him. Wrapping one arm across his broad chest she sighed contently. "Good night, Bobby."
Author's Note: So it's a little shippy. In a weird, indirect way. But they're weird. So it works. And it could still just be construed as Alex looking out for him, as per usual. Reviews always make me happy. You want me to be happy, right?