"I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose,
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Once there was darkness, deep and endless night,
You gave me everything you had. Oh, you gave me light."
'I Will Remember You', Sarah McLachlan.
oo00oo
The days passed slowly within the sterile walls of the Landstuhl Hospital. Brennan stayed in constant contact with everyone back home, updating them regularly on Booth's progress. Seeley himself spent his time willing himself out of bed, forcing himself to undertake the necessary physiotherapy.
As the swelling went down following his surgery, feeling began to return to Booth's legs, beginning with a distinctly uncomfortable tingling sensation akin to pins and needles.
Nurse Susan Escrow helped him out of bed, forcing him to utilise his limbs. He struggled, finding himself on the floor more often than he'd like, but slowly the sensations returned and slowly his muscles began to obey his will again. Brennan would sit on the uncomfortable plastic chairs and watch, offering her silent and sometimes literal support.
It was taking far longer than he wanted. After a few days, his progress had slowed to a halt. His improvement had basically stopped altogether, leaving him stranded somewhere between paralysed and able-bodied.
That was where his thoughts dwelled now, lying in the ward bed that had basically become his new home, staring up at the ceiling without seeing anything.
He was lost in a world of new possibilities, not one of which he wanted to face. He still could not walk unaided, he couldn't even go to the toilet by himself. He pretended that it didn't embarrass him, faking bravery and smiles to the people around him. Inside, he found his strength was as weak as his wasted legs.
The door slid open and the young nurse entered, her face bright with a gleaming smile as she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear after it fell loose from her tight bun.
"Good morning, Agent Booth. How are you feeling today?"
He managed to muster up a smile, hoping he could still rely on his trusty charm to fake his way to happiness.
"Same old, same old, Susan. How are the kids?"
Her grin widened, cocking her head slightly as she lowered the barriers on either side of his bed.
"Oh, you know. The little rugrats do everything they can to get what they want. It always works. Toys, sweets, maple syrup covered pancakes, I give in eventually."
He shuffled to the edge of the thin mattress with a wry smile.
"I know the feeling. Anytime Parker gives me that little pout and the big brown eyes, I just let him have whatever he wants."
The nurse manoeuvred herself to his side, letting him drape his arm across her shoulders to support him as she helped him to the waiting wheelchair. He hated the very sight of it, grimacing from the dull throb in his spine as she lowered him down.
This was their daily routine now. Temperance would be waiting in the physiotherapy suite talking facts and figures with the doctors. Susan would wheel him in, presenting him with a cup of coffee from the nurse's station on the way. The orderly would assist them once they reached the suite, helping him get to his feet.
Susan and the orderly would hold him up, basically bearing his weight as he dragged his useless feet towards the parallel bars that divided the room. The whole point was for him to hold his upper body upright on the bars, slowly training his legs to move again, to regain the old sensations and muscles that failed him now.
As they manoeuvred him in to position, Booth caught Brennan's eye.
I don't like her seeing me like this. When I was getting better, it was ok, I could deal with it. But now… Now nothing's happening. My legs won't listen to me, my knees give way, my feet tingle painfully.
He looked away again, not wanting her to see the frustration in his eyes.
Using all the strength he had in his biceps to hold himself up between the parallel bars, he envisioned Parker waiting at the other end, his arms open wide and waiting for his father to run over and scoop him up in a giant hug.
But Booth couldn't make it. He couldn't reach his son at the other end, no matter how hard he tried. His legs just wouldn't obey him, they wouldn't take him to his little boy.
All I want to do is walk again. Why won't it work? Why can't I just be me again?
He fell to the padded floor, his arms breaking his fall. He could hear Susan and Temperance rushing to his side as he lay there with his eyes closed, cursing every inch of his failed body.
His face pressed against the cold floor, he slowly opened his eyes, looking straight in to Brennan's gaze. He knew there was no expression on his face. No pain, no frustration, not a thing.
He knew that because he knew he was nothing.
This is what I am now. This is all I can be. This is how it's all going to end.
He had lost all hope.
oo00oo
Brennan stood talking to the doctors about Booth's recent lack of progress, watching her partner intently out of the corner of her eye.
Something's not right with him. It's like he's giving up.
She turned to face him full on, finding herself caught in his gaze. Quickly, he turned away, refusing to look at her. She felt stung by his rejection but she understood it, she knew he didn't like her seeing him weak.
Just like I hate people seeing me when I'm vulnerable.
The doctor was talking but she didn't hear a word he said. Instead, she was focused on watching him.
Forcing himself to stand upright with the strength in his arms, his legs seemed to just hang limp beneath him. Bending at the knees and refusing to hold his weight, she knew this was going to be another demoralising day.
She could only watch as he seemed to put every ounce of energy he had into swinging his left leg forward, his foot dragging across the padded floor.
He's having to use his hips to force the motion. There appears to be no response from the muscles in his legs, none of them. But the swelling's all but gone now. Is this really permanent? Is this how it's going to stay?
Drained, Booth seemed to teeter slightly before his arms gave way. Balancing for a second on his useless legs, he quickly slumped forward. His arms broke the fall but he still ended up with his face against the floor.
Brennan immediately rushed to his side, never wanting to be anywhere else. She crouched down by his head, reaching out to stroke his temple as he opened his eyes, staring straight at her.
Her hand stopped mid-air as her heart skipped a beat.
There was nothing there. Nothing. No frustration, no pain, no love, nothing. Just cold dark pools staring blankly back at her.
He's lost all hope that he'll ever get better. He's lost hope in himself.
Blinking rapidly, Brennan leaned forward, laying a lingering kiss on his forehead. He just kept staring straight ahead, his eyes hard and cold. Swallowing hard, she adjusted her position and helped Susan to pull him up, seating him back in the wheelchair.
Brennan just stood in front of him, her arms folded across her chest to protect herself from the coolness in his downcast gaze. She watched as the doctor checked him over, making sure he hadn't injured himself anymore with the fall.
Booth slowly raised his eyes to the doctor and Brennan knew he was purposefully avoiding looking at her when he spoke.
"I'd like to go back to my room now."
His voice was flat and distant, containing none of the warmth she usually found there. The doctor glanced at her before clearing his throat.
"Agent Booth, we should really continue with the…"
Her partner cut the doctor off mid-sentence, staring in to space.
"I said, I would like to go back to my room now."
The doctor looked uncomfortable but nodded at Susan who started to wheel him out of the room. Brennan stepped forward, laying a hand on the nurse's arm to stop her.
"Nurse Escrow, it's ok. I'll take him."
She smiled tightly and held the door open for them as the pair exited. Pushing her partner down the now familiar corridors, Brennan struggled to find the words she needed to say.
What could I possibly ever tell him that would make all this better? How is false hope better than no hope at all? He's a stubborn son of a bitch at times, I know that, but I love him and I want to help. If only Angela was here. I'm no good at pep talks and inspirational speeches. Even Zach would probably be better than me at this kind of thing.
They soon reached Booth's room and she wheeled him inside. Stopping by the side of the bed, he adjusted himself in the seat, preparing to clamber back to the safety of the hard mattress. Brennan prevented him from going anywhere by sitting herself on the edge of the bed, staring down at him with a stern gaze. He just folded his arms across his chest and sighed heavily.
"Bones, I need you to help me get up."
Brennan felt her heart beat a little faster at the sound of the nickname she had once hated but now meant more to her than a thousand gifts.
He's still calling me Bones. My man's still in there somewhere.
She cleared her throat, searching for the right thing to say but knowing full well she was unlikely to manage it.
"Booth, I understand how hard this is for you."
He snorted with laughter and shook his head, looking anywhere but at her.
"Anthropologically speaking, if a male becomes physically impaired it is often seen to be a mark against their manhood and their usefulness to the society at large. They are often cast out of tribes and homes in an effort to maintain the order of their society as a way of protecting it, helping the others to survive from fear of the injured becoming a burden."
Booth locked eyes with her and despite the anger she had expected to invoke, there was still just nothing.
"If you're aiming for a pep talk, I'm afraid you're way off base here, Bones."
She paused and he looked away. Sighing, she forced herself to continue.
"But that doesn't happen now, Booth. In today's society, there is a lot of help given to those that are physically impaired, both medically and psychologically. It's not a slight against your manhood or your position as alpha male."
He rolled his eyes.
"Brennan, I really don't give a crap about me being an alpha male or what society thinks of us cripples, I just want to get back in to bed. So will just help me and get out of here?"
She smarted at his words, like he'd just slapped her right in the face.
He wants me to leave…
Jutting out her chin, she held her head high, her voice firm.
"No."
Booth stared at her, his eyes narrowed.
"No? What, you just gonna leave me with my new wheels, huh?"
Brennan crossed her arms across her chest, her face defiant.
"So you've been injured, big deal. You've partially lost use of your legs, so what? They are other people out there that have suffered far worse fates than you, Seeley Booth, so how dare you sit there and give up on it all, give up on us, just like that? It's not fair."
"Not fair? How can you stand there and lecture me on what's not fair? I'm the one stuck in this God damned wheelchair for the rest of my life. I'm the one that's never going to be able to play with his little boy again, not properly. I'm the one who can't do his job any more, the one who has to sit here and just remember what my life used to be like. None of it's fair, Brennan, and I'm done fighting it. It's pointless."
She leaned in towards him, her hands on the armrests of his chair, forcing him to look at her with her sheer proximity.
"It's not pointless, it's what you have to do. The only way you're ever going to beat this is if you keep fighting. That's what you've always done, Booth, you're a fighter. I never really understood that before. I didn't know why you were always able to protect me, I didn't know why you had to come out to Iraq, I didn't really know why you were always so passionate about the things you do, but now I know it's because you are a fighter to your very core. Maybe it's part of your genetic makeup, maybe it's purely the conditioning of your environment seeing as your father fought in Vietnam, I don't why. But I know that you can beat this as long as you keep fighting."
He just stared at her, his eyes narrowed in anger. Although grateful he was no longer just blank, Brennan was a little scared by the pure ferocity in his gaze. Eventually, he sighed and his features relaxed a little.
"Maybe you're right, maybe I was a fighter. But I can't fight this, Bones. This isn't a war or a criminal that I have to beat, it's my own body. How can I fight myself?"
There was a tinge of sadness in his voice as Brennan crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in her own and tracing small circles across his palm.
"Because you do it every day, Seeley. Every time you remember the things you did as a sniper, every time you resist the urge to hit one of the bad guys, every time you stop yourself from saying something you know you shouldn't, you're basically fighting yourself. So why stop now? This is a battle I know you can win, but only if you suck it up and fight for what you want."
A tight smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.
"Bones, did you just tell me to 'suck it up', seriously?"
She frowned at him.
"I've heard you say it before. I thought I used it in the correct context."
The smile spread across his lips before it slowly faded away.
"I'm just… I don't think I'm ever going to get any better than this, Temperance. What if I never really recover?"
She shrugged slightly as she leaned in closer.
"Then you live the life you've got and you make the best of it. You have a beautiful son, you have friends, you have family and you have me. We all care about you and we all love you. No matter what happens, we'll still be here for you and we'll always be proud. But only if you keep fighting, only if you make sure that you tried your damned hardest. You've never been a quitter, Booth. Don't start now."
He pulled a hand from her grasp and raised it to her face, gently caressing the contour of her cheek.
"I love you, Temperance."
She smiled, leaning her face into his palm and relishing every electrifying second of his touch.
"I love you too, Seeley. Now what do you say that I take you back to the physiotherapy suite and we give this another try."
He smiled slightly, something flickering faintly in his eyes, something Brennan couldn't quite identify.
"Keep fighting, huh?"
She just nodded, unconsciously holding her breath for his answer as he looked down at her hands clasping his own. Slowly, he raised his gaze to her again and the smile spread.
"Are you coming with me?"
She smiled right back at him.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."
"Then let's get fighting."
Wheeling him back out of the ward room, Brennan saw the flicker in his eyes had grown to a raging fire that was beginning to consume her too.
It was hope.
A/N: For anyone who saw last night's episode of Bones (think it was called The Girl With The Curl), I think I just fell in love with Hodgins... Bless his little cotton socks. And good to see Booth's finally got his damned act together, though I now have an enormous craving for Thai food...