Strange new developments

Lily spent the night tossing and turning in her bed, assessing and reassessing the situation over and over again. In the early hours of dawn she finally fell into a light slumber.

After what felt like minutes she was roused again by the sound of her dorm mates, scrambling out of their own four-posters moaning and grumbling loudly – the first day of school had arrived with all its glory.

Sitting up on her bed, Lily watched the typical morning routine unfold around her. Four girls in varying states of nakedness were hurrying back and forth between the bathroom and their trunks, stealing quick glances at the mirror and each other, swapping make up items and styling tips and generally filling the room with the happy bustle of a bunch of busy girls who knew each other inside out for years.

Lily loved all of the girls dearly. Of course Megan was closest and dearest to her heart, but she knew for sure she could and would trust all the others with her live too.

Joanna Wright, chubby and cheerful, could talk almost as much and as fast as Lily herself.

Then there was tall and lean Zoe Gardner, always hunching her back a little to fit in between Lily, Joanna and the even smaller Megan.

The fifth and final girl in the dorm was Lane O'Kelly, she was completely incapable of lying and would blush crimson at the mere attempt of it.

When the other girls had left the dorm in a noisy parade, not without reprimanding Lily for lagging behind, she finally made her way through scattered towels and articles of clothing to the bathroom.

Her own reflection looked accusingly back at her. She was unusually pale and the sleepless night had left her with deep dark circles under her eyes.

In the bright light of morning her worries from last night suddenly seemed stupid.

The whole thing was definitely not worth all the fuss. Megan was wrong about James; he could not be interested in her anymore, scratch that, he was not interested in her anymore! They had been friends for far too long for him to still harbour any secret feelings –period!

And concerning his odd behaviour: she would simply take her usual seat next to him in Transfiguration, he would ruffle her hair and she would know everything was exactly as it should be.

Drawing little smiley faces with the foam of her toothpaste, Lily smiled absentmindedly; she had been way to fussy yesterday, he was simply stressed or tired and she had to take it personal; what a typical girl she was!

She would tell him about her worries later on and they would laugh about it, yes definitely, he would think it dead funny, would ruffle her hair a bit more and would tease her for the rest of the day because she was oh so sensitive!

Due to her reverie this morning Lily was bolting through the hallways in a very undignified and un-headgirly manner. She'd rather get a detention the very first day then risk being late to McGonagall's first lesson of the term.

Completely out of breath but surprisingly with a few seconds to spare she reached the Transfiguration classroom and put her books down on the table next to James. Panting and coughing she fell into the chair, sent a quick smile his way and, closing her eyes, let her head sink against his shoulder.

With her eyes closed she could not see the look on his face, but she could feel his muscles tense under her cheek.

Opening one eye then the other she glanced up at him trough her fringe 'Something wrong with you, James?'

He quickly shook his head and smiled at her, but even from her angle she could see that the smile never reached his eyes.

And suddenly the day seemed to lose all of its brightness.

xxx

After Transfiguration James gave her another of these new fake smiles and was off with Remus and Sirius for Muggle studies before Lily had the chance to mutter another word.

She did not see James again until lunch break.

Eager to resolve the matter once and for all she casually strolled over to where the Gryffindor male half of their year was seated.

James saw her coming and gave her a small but genuine smile. Encouraged Lily slid onto the bench next to him.

'Are you guys having a good first day so far? Isn't it crazy how much homework they gave us on the first half of the very first day? Of course with NEWTs and all at the end of the year we have to get going, but honestly… a tiny bit of time to adjust to the feeling of being back to Hogwarts for the very last time, don't you think we would deserve at least that…?'

She knew exactly she was rambling but she could not bring herself to ask James what was wrong.

After all, he had smiled at her -right? - And a nice genuine James-smile none the less. There couldn't be to much amiss when he was smiling at her again and she would not make a fool out of herself for being a sissy about it…

xxx

In the upcoming days Lily could not help but notice that there was something amiss. Kind and friendly as he could be, James somehow seemed to get more distant by the day.

But he was obviously not the only one acting weird.

The more he withdrew, the more Lily found herself thinking about him. She started to mentally tick of the occasions on which he choose to not notice her; she found herself staring at him, telepathically willing him to look up and smile at her just once and most embarrassing of all, she started to make up excuses to spend time in his close proximity, on these occasions either not speaking at all or laughing and talking way to loud.

In the end it was Lane, always brutally honest and never diplomatic, who commented on Lily's odd behaviour first. She and Megan had been waiting for Lily in the Arithmancy corridor and while the girls were quickly crossing hallway after hallway and descending the stairs down to the dungeons, she asked in an almost too casual manner 'Pray Lily, would you care to explain your rather… interesting new way of dealing with James?'

Startled Lily missed the next step and could only steady herself by slamming the back of her hand against the rough stone-wall. Sucking her sore knuckles, she peered at Lane and then at Megan, who tried to hide her amusement.

'I… don't know what you're talking about?' what was supposed to sound casual and calm came out more like a question. - Oh bugger!

'Oh come on Lily, don't you think we are smart enough to notice the sudden change in the relationship between you two? From sugar-coated cosiness to a strange game of hide and seek? Something must have happened! Just tell me who likes whom? Did you develop a fancy for him or did he resurrect his crush from fifth year?'

Lily huffed in indignation 'It's nothing to do with liking each other! It's… I don't know… complicated! He is complicated! I really don't know what's gotten into him. At times he is completely normal, perfectly nice and just… James. And the next time I see him, he's too busy to look my way, let alone talk to me. And I just don't know how to deal with him anymore. I don't know if he wants me to keep away or if I should force him to talk to me. I don't know if he is pissed at me or if he is just stressed out and all of this has nothing to do with me. I just don't know! But I know for sure there is no liking involved here!'

Lily quickened her path and stomped away.

Megan and Lane shared a look and shrugged their shoulders. If Lily did not want to talk about it, they would let it go –for now.

Taking her seat next to Lily, Megan offered a smile as peace-offering and relaxing visibly Lily smiled back.

However, her smile quickly faded as James, followed by the rest of the boys, entered the dungeon. He nodded expressionlessly at the two of them, then turned and got a seat at the far end of the room.

Lily was uncharacteristically quiet for almost all of double Potions, staring into the cauldron most of the time. Only at the very end of the lesson, when the two girls noticed they were running out of powdered porcupine quills, she came back to live.

'I'm going over to ask Remus, he always has plenty of potions supplies, I'm sure he won't mind me nicking some of his stuff.'

She fumbled with her ponytail and let her hair down. And with a last look at Megan she walked over to the four Gryffindor boys, swaying her hips like a model on the catwalk. Megan watched in amazement as Lily placed her bum on the desktop in front of James and started chatting with Remus, laughing and tossing her hair.

Lily felt utterly stupid. She was acting like a complete floozy! Normally she and her friends would have had a field day with any girl who would act that tarty. Oh bugger! She knew she was making a fool out of herself, but she just could not help it, at least this was bound to get some kind of reaction out of James.

Bugger, bugger, bugger!

Just as the lesson ended, Lily turned her head and smiled her most dazzling smile, purposely missing James by a few millimetres and causing Peter to blush violently.

Before Lily could really judge the effect her little stunt had on James, Megan stomped over, shoved Lily's book bag into her arms and marched her out of the door.

'Didn't you say you don't like James? What in the name of Merlin do you think you're playing at?' Megan hissed while still clutching Lily's arm and dragging her towards a secluded corner, where they would be able to talk without interruption.

Lily gently freed her arm and sighed tiredly 'Megan, stay out of this… I… know what I'm doing.'

'Do you really? No I don't think so! That was the most idiotic and embarrassing behaviour I've ever seen in you! I really was ashamed of you for a moment! And did you ever think about what you might be doing to James? If his behaviour has nothing to do with him being in love with you, then you are really lucky! He will just think you are attention seeking or drugged or even crazy! But if he is interested in you, this will get stuck in his head, and he will get his hopes up, no matter how often he tells himself this doesn't mean a thing!'

Lily could feel the guilt and shame form a tight knot in her throat. She sunk against the wall and closed her eyes. 'I know all of this; I knew it back there in potions, belief me. Don't think I wasn't aware of how much of a fool I was making out of myself. I just had the feeling I should do something…anything… to get a reaction out of him!'

'You could've simply talked to him!'

'I know. But that's not as easy as you think! I can't just talk to him. At the beginning I was just afraid of acting like a sissy, reading much more into this than it's worth. But the longer this mess is taking, the more we are drifting apart and I just don't feel comfortable talking about us with him anymore.' Lily slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor. 'Am I making any sense?'

Much calmer now, Megan crouched down beside her 'In your own special way you are making sense. It's always like that with you. You are too proud to admit that his behaviour is affecting you, that his rejection hurts you. So instead of confronting him, you wait for him to make the first move, and if he's not doing it voluntarily, you're going to provoke him to do so.'

'I'm a horrible person, am I not?'

'No Lily, you are just getting rather insecure about rejections when you really like someone. And in this special case I have the distinct feeling, that you yourself do not know how much you like James Potter. And so you do what you always do when you like a boy: you run from him'

Megan pushed herself up and left Lily sitting at the wall, lost in thoughts.

xxx

After dinner Lily cornered James in the common room. She did it as much to make up for her potions escapade as to proof Megan wrong - she was not running from James Potter!

Twirling her fingers nervously in her lap, she hardly dared to look at him.

'James I wanted to talk to you for quite some time now. Are you… I mean, you and I… is there something wrong? Did I do something to offend you?'

'Wrong? No, nothing's wrong! What do you mean wrong?'

Was it just her or did he sound the tiniest bit alarmed?

'You've been avoiding me for these past days. And you never talk to me at all. You…'

'That's not true! We are talking! I'm just too busy at the moment to constantly be at your side. You try being head boy and quidditch captain at once!'

'You don't need to be defensive James! I was not accusing you of anything. I just need to know if there is something going wrong between you and me. If I did something wrong. Your friendship means so much to me, and I don't want to risk it because I did something to upset you!'

'You did not upset me, everything is fine! And if it makes you feel better, I will smile at you whenever I see you. Don't worry. This…friendship… means a lot to me too.'

With that he got up and walked towards the boys staircase, Turning at the first step and smiling at her.

Somehow it did not make Lily feel any better.