A/N: I know, I know, I'm a good for nothing liar. I said I would update after AP testing, but man, finals were ten times worse, especially since I was trying to keep my C in chemistry. Yeah, I'm a moron. So, this little slice of my life comes from this conversation I had with my friends one fine spring day during our lunch period. We were waaaaaaaaaay too hyper, but I just have that kind of affect on people. Anyhoo, read, review, and most importantly, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Still, still, still, still don't own anything.

Ron's Bundle of Joy

"Girls are bloody insane…" Ron muttered as he wandered aimlessly down the hallway. "… bloody insane…" As he stumbled down the shadow laden hallways mumbling to himself like a lunatic, he bumped into random people because he was not watching where he was going.

Ron kept up his nomadic journey until his feet took him to a familiar painting of a bowl of fruit. He tickled the pear, still muttering, and entered the bustling kitchen, almost tripping over an unusually tiny house elf carrying a platter of chicken. With the comforting aroma of food rushing into his nose, he realized how hungry he was, which was good as three house elves looked up at Ron and dutifully asked, "Is there anything we can do for sir?"

Ron nodded hungrily as he listed about twenty different things that he wanted from the house elves, who scurried off to fulfill Ron's requests. Within minutes, the house elves had presented Ron with everything he wanted and just as quickly, Ron devoured it all. By the time he left, Ron could barely move. He groaned as he pulled himself up the stairs (almost getting stuck in the vanishing step) and into the subdued Gryffindor common room only to find Ginny and Lavender still sitting next to the fire chattering quietly.

"Um… Ron? Are you alright?" Ginny asked her sloth like older brother, still a bit worried that their little stunt a few hours earlier had made Ron go completely insane.

Ron simply groaned in response.

"Sounds like menstrual cramps," Lavender teased.

Ron shook his head has he pulled himself onto the fluffy couch.

"Ron, are you pregnant?" Ginny suggested.

Ron groaned. Ginny took this as a yes.

"You're PREGNANT!" Ginny screeched. "I can't believe you didn't tell any of us. Who's the father?"

Ron groaned again. This time a bit more pathetically.

"Harry? Harry got you pregnant? And he left you for Ginny?" Lavender said in mock seriousness. "Ginny, you're the other women. How does that make you feel?"

"Eh… It's not all it's cracked up to be," Ginny said with a shrug. "I just can't believe Ron did that to Hermione."

Ron's ears perked up a little bit more at the mention of Hermione and his cheeks started to blush a bit pinker. Thankfully, neither Ginny nor Lavender noticed this because Harry had entered the room at the exact same time. Ron made a mental note to thank Harry later.

"Harry!" Lavender's shrill voice filled the room; both Ron and Harry winced a little. "I can't believe you got Ron pregnant!"

"How could that have happened? I used contraception," Harry muttered to himself a hint of a smile lingered on his face.

Ron went even redder, but still couldn't attack Harry, let alone sit up, so he made a mental note to kill Harry later.

"He never told me," Harry continued, "not once, in our twenty night stand."

"So Harry," Ginny began with a slit smirk, "anyone else you'd like to tell me about, like… Collin?"

"Oh, that was simply a one night thing. I was drunk, he was desperate, it just sort of happened."

"Snape?" Lavender suggested. Everyone shuttered, even the people who had their backs turned and were pretending not to listen, but Harry answered.

"Two week relationship, he was on the rebound and I was the first person there. We had a very painful break up."

This sickened Ron very much, to the point of gagging.

"Well, I'm leaving Ron, I'm not ready to have a child," Harry said shaking his head and laughing.

"I hope you're paying for child support," Lavender said in mock firmness.

Harry nodded. "I hope Ron knows, it's not him, it's me." At this Ginny burst out laughing and as if on cue, Hermione walked into the room.

"Umm… did I miss something?" Hermione said as she came down from the girl's dormitory.

"Ron didn't tell you?" Ginny said in complete seriousness.

"Tell me what?" Hermione said as she paled slightly. Thoughts of all the horrible things Ron could have done played through her mind like a slideshow.

"He's pregnant."

"WHAT! He's pregnant! I hope he told his mother and that he's… wait a minute," Hermione said as she thought about what Ginny had just said. "Ron can't get pregnant… can he?"

"Well, there is such a thing as magic," Lavender answered.

Hermione simply stared, trying to figure out if they were serious. "Um… well… who's the father?" Hermione asked cautiously, not sure if she wanted to know the answer.

"Harry," Ginny replied.

"Umm… Harry? Well, umm… how did it happen?" Hermione stuttered as she lowered herself into the nearest arm chair.

"I don't know. I used contraception."

"Well, maybe you applied it wrong," Hermione suggested. She didn't see Ginny and Lavender giggling behind her. "Anyway, Ron, you should get some rest. Ginny, can you take him to his room?" Ginny nodded as she continued to hold back the laughter. "Thanks. I'm going to get Ron some bubbly water in case he starts morning sickness. I'll be back momentarily."

As soon as Hermione's cloak swept out of view, the whole gang (minus Ron, of course) burst into laughter. A few wide eyed first years had walked in at that moment, but quickly walked back out, afraid that maybe the infamous Harry Potter was as crazy as people had once said, even those listening were giggling at Hermione's gullibility. Ron began to mutter to himself again, but this time he began to pull himself up the stairs and into the boy's dormitory.

"Wait up!" Ginny called to Ron. "I promised Hermione I'd help you to your room!"

Ginny finally found Ron lying face down on his bed. "You know, lying like that might damage the baby."

"Oh, shut up, Ginny," Ron finally managed to say.

"He speaks!" Ginny said as she plopped down on the edge of Ron's unmade bed.

"What did I do to deserve this torture?" Ron said to no one in particular, but he did turn onto his back.

"Ron, Ron, Ron," Ginny began as she shook her head. "If only you would admit your undying love for Hermione, then this could all be over. I mean, it can't be news to you. The whole school's known for… well, forever. Basically, all the torture would stop if would just ask Hermione out. Then, we'd have no reason to torture you. Understand?"

"It's true," Harry said as he entered the room. "Sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do, but usually, it's for the best."

A/N: Well, I know, it was kind of short, but I thought it was funny. I hope y'all found it amusing because I think I'll write one more chapter. So, unless I have a brain blast (Jimmy Neutron is sooooo awesome!) Ron's strangeness will be over with. Anyhoo, let me know what you guys think, I'm open to anything from constructive criticism to just a "hi!".