Author's note: Sorry about leaving you guys hanging last time. I kind of got bored with linear storytelling :P

Shameless plug: I had forgotten to mention this last time...a while back, I started a writing blog that chronicles the writing of this fic (the URL can be found on my profile). I also talk a lot about Escaflowne and writing in general there. Everyone is welcome to stop by and discuss any of those things or even just say hi ;)

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The Last Night of the World

Chapter 10

Hitomi's Decision

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After Millerna had slapped her, Hitomi found herself back in the room in the palace. She no longer saw what Van saw or felt what he felt. The force of Millerna's hand, Celena's disconsolate moaning, and Millerna's stern and frightened eyes were burned into her memory. For days, Hitomi dreamed she was holding Van back by the arms or restraining him from behind. Each time, he was impaled by the sword of a hazy, indistinct foe. Each time, she knew it was coming, but her arms would not let go. Sometimes the sword would pierce her too, and her blood would mingle with his. Each time, she would wake up in a cold sweat, her heart leaping out of her chest.

Hitomi avoided Van ever since the hail stopped.She had only meant to warn him about the ice giants. But she had inadvertently paralyzed him and almost got him killed. But that was not the reason why she wanted to hide her face in shame whenever he walked by, refusing to meet her eyes.

She had meddled again, had poked her nose where it didn't belong. She had no right to undermine Van's control of Escaflowne. The bond between him and the dragon armor should not have been treated lightly, and what she did violated whatever trust Van had left in her. She hadn't meant to do it; all she wanted was for him to leave the battle. When he wouldn't listen to her, when he didn't understand what she was saying, she started to panic and found herself somehow moving Escaflowne's legs before she knew what was happening.

Terrified, she had tried to pull back. But it was like her body had been caught in a web, tangled and paralyzed. It was much like what she had felt before, many years ago. My emotions bind him, she realized. But this time around, she hadn't been able to let go. She had been afraid.

If it had not been for Millerna, Van would have been pummeled to death. After the giants vanished, Escaflowne had miraculously appeared in the Guymelef enclosure, miles away from the fighting. The dragon armor mercilessly ejected its operator, and Van had been carried to the infirmary, unconscious. Escaflowne had sustained surprisingly minor damage, and Van quickly recovered after it was repaired.

Knowing that Van was safe was enough for Hitomi. That was more important than the coldness that hung between them. She could bear the awkwardness, the guilt, as long as he was all right.

Hitomi spent her days trying to help out where she could. She wanted to relieve some of the burden from the nurses in the infirmary, which was in another part of town. Once, she was caught returning to the palace after curfew and was escorted back by a trio of hard-faced soldiers. They spoke with the palace guards, who banned her from leaving the palace grounds ever again. It was for her own safety, the guards had said. But when her back was turned, when they thought she was out of earshot, she heard them muttering about curses and the Mystic Moon.

By simply looking at her, one could not tell that Hitomi was from a different world. She wore a heavy blue cloak against the cold over a long green dress that hid all but the toes of her soft leather boots. All borrowed from Millerna, of course. She looked the part of an Asturian noble, but even so, people seemed to know who she was.

Maybe it had to do with King Aston and his advisors. They were the only ones in the palace who knew about Hitomi's origins aside from Allen, Dryden, and Millerna. She had faith that Allen and Millerna had enough discretion not to go about spreading their knowledge of her connection to the Mystic Moon. Dryden, with his enthusiasm for the lore of Atlantis, may have let something slip. But for even the palace guards to be whispering rumors? There had to be more than just a slip of the tongue.

The last time she had been on Gaea, during the war, the welcome that she and Van had received from King Aston was less than warm. And when Zaibach demanded that she be handed over, she was a sharp stone that dug into the soft heel of Asturia. Rumors about her recent return to Fanelia had spread all over Gaea, and King Aston was not stupid. Where the king of Fanelia went, the girl from the Mystic Moon went with him. Tragedy had followed her footsteps in the Great War, and now calamity trailed in her wake. Her return was a menace to Gaea and to Asturia.

Hitomi couldn't really blame King Aston for being leery of her. There were many nights when she would lie in her bed, staring up at the canopy, wondering if she actually was reason why these disasters were happening. It was different from the time during the war. Events had already been set in motion by the time she had arrived, and her power was to influence the course of the future with her emotions. But this time, she had arrived in times of peace. There was no war. Gaea was recovering, and the nations were getting back on their feet.

So what reason did her mind have to dream up catastrophe for Gaea? Unnatural, unexplainable catastrophe? It didn't make sense. She had the power to influence events, but whatever misgivings she might feel about returning to Gaea didn't give her the power to create rifts in the earth or cover a city in ice. Even so, she knew she must have had something to do with all the disasters afflicting this world, because they had started from the moment of her arrival.

When she first returned to Gaea, it was like coming home, like slipping on an old life. The two moons were no longer a strange sight, but old friends. Beast people did not startle her anymore, and palaces and horse-drawn carriages were a part of normal, everyday life.

She thought she could belong in Gaea, in Fanelia. She thought she could help heal the wounds of the kingdom whose destiny had once been so entwined with her own. She thought that was reason why she had been brought back—to help Fanelia, to help Van. Her visions had saved hundreds of people from perishing at the claws of the dragons, and she saved Clara and Van from the river of fire. Her visions were helping. That was what she wanted to believe.

But when horror and ice descended on Palas, nothing made sense anymore. The screams of people dying in the streets seemed to accuse her of bringing the madness upon them. Nobles and servants in the palace whispered among themselves about the Mystic Moon and avoided her. And she and Van might as well be strangers.

Hitomi realized that it was selfish and conceited of her to think that Gaea could ever be her world.

But she didn't know what to do. She needed to talk to someone about it.

So one day, she found herself in front of the door to Millerna's study. Of the people she had befriended on Gaea, she felt closest to Millerna. Maybe it was because she had shared in Millerna's struggles with Allen, and their former rivalry had somehow brought them to a mutual understanding. And Millerna was also the only other female, since talking to Merle was out of the question.

Hitomi knocked, and Millerna answered the door wearing a maroon shawl wrapped snugly around her shoulders and head. Wispy locks of pale hair peeked out from under the cloth. The shawl matched her ruffled cream and chestnut dress, and the combination was quite becoming. "Hitomi?"

"Millerna…I need to talk to you."

Millerna took one look at Hitomi's face and ushered her inside. Her study was a small room, with a wide desk by the window and two cushioned chairs set at angles in front of it. The other half of the room was covered with bookshelves and a stout stepping stool sat in the corner. Millerna settled into one of the chairs, and Hitomi sat down across from her.

"What's the matter, Hitomi?"

Hitomi twisted her fingers around each other. "Millerna…if you really liked someone, but you knew that it would be better for you to stay away, what would you do?"

The other woman shot a piercing gaze at her. "Are you talking about Van?"

Despite herself, Hitomi reddened. That had come out entirely the wrong way. She had been referring to Gaea, not Van. "No, no, I'm talking about…"

Millerna was perched on the edge of her chair, waiting intently. How could Hitomi tell Millerna that she was the reason why her city was covered in blood and ice? That the curse of the Mystic Moon was more than just an old wives' tale?

"…about…" she faltered.

"Your fiancé?" Millerna guessed.

Hitomi sat in silence. What should she say?

Millerna reached forward and covered Hitomi's hands. Hitomi had twisted her fingers into a knot. "It's all right. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she said sympathetically.

The princess stood up and walked to the window by the desk, which looked out over the palace walls. The edge of the shawl draped down her back, hiding her unruly mane of blond hair. She stood with her back to Hitomi and pulled her shawl closer around her. "If I really liked someone, but I knew that it might be better if I stayed away, what would I do?" she said, echoing Hitomi's question.

Hitomi could not see her face, but the tone of Millerna's voice made her think that the princess might be talking about herself. "Millerna?"

"Sometimes I think it will be all right if I stay with him. But other times, neither of us is happy." Millerna sighed, a drooping of her shoulders. "I don't know what's right anymore."

Allen…she must be talking about Allen. And Celena. "You'll know what to do when the time comes, Millerna," Hitomi protested. "You always do."

The other woman only looked at her. Hitomi felt like she was caught in the middle of telling a bold-faced lie. Maybe she shouldn't have said that. Was she giving her false hope? Did Millerna really know the right thing to do, when it came down to it? Did any of them?

"Do you really think so?" Millerna said.

Her grandmother's words whispered to Hitomi in the back of her mind. "Believe in them…believe in the people you love."

Believe in them… Hitomi nodded with what she hoped was confidence. "Yes. Because that's the kind of person you are."

Millerna walked over and hugged her wordlessly. Hitomi hugged her back, her fingers getting lost in the folds of the shawl and strands of silky hair.

"Thank you, Hitomi," Millerna finally said. "You will know what to do, too. I know you will."

-

Hitomi took a few steps down the hall and stopped to lean her head against the wooden molding of the wall. The unexpected mention of Van in her conversation with Millerna had unnerved her. She had wanted to talk about Gaea, not Van. But somehow he had crept in there. And they hadn't really talked about Gaea, in the end. She shook her head, trying to clear him from her thoughts. How she felt about him wasn't important right now, and besides, she was not even sure how he felt about her anymore. Remembering their few frigid encounters in the last weeks, she did not really want to find out.

Despite Millerna's encouragement, Hitomi felt even more alone than before. She just could not bring herself to tell Millerna the truth about her visions. And if she couldn't tell Millerna, who could she tell?

Hitomi spent the rest of the afternoon wandering through the palace, walking along the frozen courtyards, away from the people she knew and away from the people she didn't know, who spoke in whispers and looked at her slantwise.

She entered a corridor in one of the far wings of the palace. It was empty and did not seem as well-traveled as the hallways she had just left: the carved wooden inlays of the walls were a little dustier, and the carpet was a little older. Three doors at the end of the hall grinned at her like wooden teeth. Several windows lined one wall, affording a view of the royal forest and hunting grounds. The snow had come in the middle of summer, so the trees had not had the chance to lose their leaves yet. Their trunks bowed under the weight of ice and snow like withered old men.

The Earth and the Moon had risen early, and they watched her like silent sentinels in the cold crystal sky. She wondered what Yutaro was doing. She wondered if it was nighttime and he was sitting in his living room with a mug of tea, unable to sleep. Or maybe it was morning, and he had just woken up and was washing up at the sink, the cool scent of shaving cream filling the bathroom, his feet leaving pale prints in the blue rectangular rug.

Now that Hitomi was no longer constantly in Van's company, she had started thinking more about Yutaro. She realized how much she missed him. Every tall, lanky figure with golden-brown hair was Yutaro until she saw the face. She kept hearing snippets of her named being called in his voice. The sound of his footsteps tugged at her ears, and she would turn around to find that she was the only one there.

Yutaro was the only person who seemed to truly understand her without knowing every detail of her life. He knew what it meant to live your life while wanting more than what you already had. Everyone wants more out of life, he once said. Some people are just more aware of it than others. Yutaro wanted to believe the mysterious and discover the beautiful, and Hitomi wanted to join him.

He made her feel that she was mysterious and that she was beautiful. She stopped dreaming about Gaea and Van because the world she now lived in was exciting and was waiting to be explored. And there was someone who wanted to explore it with her.

But when Hitomi saw the feather in the window of the china shop, the life she had built on Earth shuddered on its foundations. Why did it remind her so strongly of Van? Was it because the imprint of the feather was so simple and pure on the stark porcelain? Why that moment, when everything in her life had been going so well?

And then she had arrived in Fanelia. It became difficult to separate the past from the present; she was seventeen again and Gaea was a world of wonders. It was like returning to a dream, and it was as if she had never left.

But she had left, and she was no longer seventeen. She was as good as married, but she found herself taking Van's hand as he gazed forlornly on the ruins of Fanelia. It was just supposed to be a gesture of friendship, but the next thing she knew, they were holding hands and kissing.

It was as if something had awakened, a part of her that had been slumbering deep below the surface. Even after Hitomi told Van about her engagement, she still let herself be carried by her affections. It was easy to forget about Earth for a while when Gaea was all around her and Van was all she could see.

But it wasn't fair to Yutaro. It wasn't fair to Van, either. When she was at home with Yutaro, away from Van, she didn't think much about Van. When she was in Gaea with Van, away from Yutaro, she didn't think much about Yutaro. But now, she wasn't with anyone and she was in a world where she did not belong.

Hitomi brought her hand out from under the cloak, the one that bore the ring. It was still on her right hand, but she had not taken it off, either. The gold band was cool and hugged her finger in the chilly air. The ring looked wrong on her hand, the mirror image of what it was supposed to be. It was caught in between two choices, just as Hitomi was.

Things could not remain this way forever. Her indecision wore away at her soul and tormented her relationship with Van. Earth or Gaea, Van or Yutaro. She had to pick one.

Hitomi had not been able to take the ring off while she was still on Gaea. As she studied the three diamond crystals, she realized that she, by not acting, had made her choice long ago without even knowing it. And now her decision was being reinforced by the rumblings of Gaea itself. Resolve settled through her, a stone settling on the bottom of a lake.

Her life on Gaea had been a dream, even if it was a dream that had turned sour. And as with all dreams, this one had to eventually come to an end.