"None of us can choose where we will love."
- From Phantom by Susan Kay

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I picked up the letter to read it in it's entirety. I had written it for Adam, because I felt that I owed him at least an explanation. I'd lured him into this whole thing, and he'd actually responded in the only way I could expect... which was defensively. Through the whole thing, I'd been less than forthcoming with information about how I got into the situation, so I decided to write him a letter, and give it to Jon. I didn't want any run-ins with him, if I could help it.

Dear Adam, it read,

Well, by now I'm sure that you've realized how deep a situation you got into... or rather, that I got you into. If you don't want to read this, okay. You have every right to hate me for involving you in this little drama. But I'll tell you my story in it's entirety, and you can judge me all you want... but not 'til you've read it.

My parents are opera buffs. They love it all, and if I might put in some personal information, my Mom's favorite is Faust, while my Dad's favorite is Carmen. It seems that a child is influenced by whatever they grow up with, so I wanted to be an opera star. I wanted to travel the world, and sing all through America and Canada, and if I could get to Europe, I'd go to Paris, Italy, Spain... anywhere. But my main focus was London.

Up until I was fifteen, things were great. Through a series of teachers, and some lessons from my parents, my voice was developing rapidly, and impressively, I might add. But as my second best teacher Shirley taught me, the feeling makes the music. I say that she was my second best, because my best teacher was the first person ever to make me feel it. His name was Harvey Sterling Sr, and he was my Grampy. I know I mentioned to you that we shared a love of music... but I never told you how deep. He was he only person who ever taught me music that was out of what my parents wanted. He focused on Atlantic Canada traditional music. He made me love it.

When he died, the music died. Call me corny, call me dramatic, but it's true. He died January 1966, and music started to lose the fun. I was still getting better, and my hopes were getting higher, but it wasn't the same. Not long after his death, my cousin Travis came to live with Grammy, and keep her company. He was taking some home cooking over to Grammy's friends on the east side of town, and on the way back, he was beaten up by a gang of greasers. That's where I started to hate them... no, actually, I didn't hate them, I feared them. But I was such a headstrong, preppy kid, that I told myself I hated them, rather than admit they scared me.

Mom was trying to bring back the enthusiasm that I was losing, and got me a chance to sing in a nice church... what we didn't realize was that it was in hoodlum territory, for lack of a better word. That was when I realized that I didn't hate them... I was scared. And I didn't want to go. But I knew it might be good for me, so I went. I had no idea what I was doing then. I still wonder, sometimes, what life would be like if I hadn't gone to that church. It would be completely different, that's for sure.

Ponyboy, Sodapop, Steve and Two-Bit were there, I'm sure you've heard me talk about them. Their friend Johnny, who died, was with them as well. In the middle of my performance, they were goofing around, and Steve dropped a hymn book... It shouldn't have hacked me off as much as it did, but I was mad. Afterwards, Ponyboy came to apologize. It was then that I realized they might be human after all.

I didn't hear anything of them for a while, and I doubt I would have... but my friend Ashley dared me to go to a record store in their part of town, and buy a record, to prove I wasn't afraid. I was in there for a few minutes when Ponyboy came up to say Hi to me. I confessed what I was doing, and he told me that not everyone on the east side was bad. I believed him. He recommended Neil Diamond... one of my favorite artists today. I'd never listened to this music before, so I took his word for it.

When we heard two of his friends died, I convinced Ashley to come with me to give our condolonces. I'd just lost Grampy, and I knew how he felt. Around this time, things between Mom and me were falling apart... slowly, but surely. I was still a little kid, in some ways. I'd just take her condenscending attitude, and whine about it.

My Mom signed me up for voice lessons with her friend Shirley, to prepare me for a concert I was going to be in the following February. It was September... my sixteenth birthday was that October. October 11th, actually. That's something else I never told you.

We couldn't find Ponyboy... we had no idea where. We stopped at a gas station... only to run into Steve, who I recognized as 'They Guy Who Dropped the Book'. I confronted him about it, and made myself look stupid, only to have to return, and ask him where to find Pony. He wouldn't tell me, rather told us to wait for Sodapop to show us. It made me angry at the time, but I guess I really owe him now. I won't elaborate on how things were between me and Soda, I know you don't want details. But we got on good. I really liked him, you know that.

On Christmas Eve, Ashley confessed to me that she had feelings for Soda... I hadn't told her yet how I felt. We were going to their house for a bit, and I was bringing my guitar. I was pretty cold towards her that night, and she ended up leaving in a huff. Soda came out on the front porch and talked to me for a bit... he ended up kissing me right as Ashley came back. She got mad, and threw my guitar.

When I got home, I called her and apologized... I didn't think it was worth losing a good friend over a guy. My guitar wasn't damaged that bad, and we made up on two conditions - I had to end everything with Soda, and help Ashley get back in his good books. That was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life, to look him in the eye and tell him I didn't have feelings for him. I had to come up with an excuse... I had to say there was someone else. The very first person who came to mind was Jon, by some strange fluke.

The next little while was interesting, to say the least. I had meant to keep it quiet, since it wasn't true, but Sodapop told Jon... and it turns out he had wanted to date me for a while, but I didn't return his feelings. Unfortunately, I had to pretend to. It was mean of me, to lead him on, but in the long run, I gained a good friend.

I found out that, through my concert in February, I could get a scholarship to a musical school in London. I'd have to leave everything behind... including Sodapop. Jon was in the same running as I was. Sometime in there, the music came back. I got my motivation back... and I have Sodapop, Shirley and Jon to thank for it, and also, someone who anonymously gave me an electric guitar. The concert came and went... before I knew it, I was at the train station, ready to leave for London. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I told Sodapop how I felt. I thought, at the time, that I wouldn't see him again until I was nineteen. And then he kissed me, right infront of my parents, and my friends, and told me to go chase my dream.

I think I changed alot in London. I matured. My mother requested that all contact be cut off from my friends, including Sodapop... which led us both to think the other stopped caring. Mom wanted me to concentrate on my music... she thought that my friends in Tulsa were influencing me to take up other music, other than opera and classical, but it was a personal choice. In that time, Sodapop's old girlfriend Sandy got in contact with him. She had left him not long before I met him, telling him she was pregnant with the baby of another man. He wanted to marry her anyway, but she refused, and went to live with her Grandmother. When her Grandmother got sick, though, she wrote Soda, telling him that she lied, and she baby was his. Marie wasn't born yet, at that point. Soda accepted her, because he thought that any chance of a life with me was hopeless.

I left London a few months later, only to find that Sodapop and Sandy had already gotten married. It all came out, with the letters, and my mother, and we both knew now that the other still cared, but Soda had a responsibility. He needed to look after his daughter... assuming she was his.

After a lot of going back and forth, I finally told Soda he needed to choose. And he didn't really tell me... I assumed he'd choose Sandy. It was only rational. I started hanging out in the park with the hippies... that's where I met Star. She was really nice, but always high. I decided that I didn't need anyone... that I could harden myself, and not care, so therefore, I couldn't hurt...

Sandy was still cheating on Soda, though, and Soda got a paternity test... Marie wasn't his, but he wanted to raise her anyway. I told him that she was cheating on him, and she was on drugs... and I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, he'd choose me now. I really loved him, Adam. I still do. And he did choose me... but Sandy got some guy to call me at home (I'd moved in with Ashley when things got really bad with Mom) and tell me that he was Soda, choosing Sandy over me. My facade cracked, and I knew that no one could harden themselves against caring... the same thing happened with one of Soda's friends, but I never thought... anyway, Star found me, and took me to her house. We were alone, and she put acid in my drink. I've never done drugs in my life, and this one time, the first and only time, I had a bad trip.

It was the scariest experience of my life. You'll never understand it until it's happened. I'd explain it, but please understand that I'm just not able to. Not so soon afterwards. Sodapop and Ashley came for me, and took me to the hospital. Star and Sandy are currently in custody. That's what the scars are from, the bummer. And when I started to freak out by the staircase... I had just had a flashback.

It's currently in the air, whether Sandy will get Marie, or Sodapop and I get to keep her. If Star will testify against Sandy, we've gotten the thing in the bag.

I haven't told Soda yet that I want to have a relationship with him, or how much I love him. I'm just really... hesitant. So, now that I've gotten this all out to you, I feel a little more free.

I'm telling him as soon as I get your reply.

Please understand that I can't choose who I love. I'm sorry I couldn't return your feelings. I tried, I really did. I tried so hard to hate Soda and to love you, but it didn't work at all. At seventeen, I'm pretty sure I've found the love of my life. A greaser, a hoodlum... someone I once feared. "Fear can turn to love," they say. Well, I guess it did. I can only hope you find a girl who will love you the way I love Soda.

Only now, that I've given my side, can you judge me. If you've read it, I can only hope you understand.

Love,

Naomi Sterling

It had been exerting to write... but it was done. I'd mail it right away.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I hadn't expected to get a call from the authorities, but they said that Star had requested to see me. She'd been in custody for a while now... I wondered what could have brought this about.

"Naomi," she said, as I sat down, and the way she said my name wa different, somehow. She sounded... older.

"Star."

"How are you?" I realized her voice had lost the dream-like quality it always had. She sounded business-like.

"I'm pretty good. Flashbacks are going down, and all." I said it as harshly as I could. She only nodded.

"Mine took a year. Maybe you're lucky."

"What?"

"I've been in here a while, Naomi, without my smack. Withdrawl is as bad as a bad LSD trip, but it's over. I'm almost clear-minded now. I can freely tell you this stuff. When I was thirteen, my cousin gave me a sugarcube. It was laced, of course, but I was too naive to know. I went through everything you've gone through, and more. If I hadn't been so damn fried, I wouldn't have listened to Sandy. You'll never know how sorry I am... and this is the second time I've been in this year, I don't know what'll happen to me. My life won't be too great... and considering how that makes me feel like shit, I refuse to let anyone else's life be ruined, or made miserable. Especially the life of someone who was once my friend, and who I've already put through hell, or the life of someone who's stuck beside her through the whole thing. I definately refuse to chance that a child could be raised by a drug addict mother... who isn't even a good mother." Here she looked at me significantly, "I won't ruin your lives. Marie can't grow up to be like me or Sandy, and if Sandy raises her, she will. I'm going to testify in court against Sandy."

Her mouth broke into a thin smile as I squealed delightedly.

"Naomi, your eyes are really yellow, you know?"

"So they tell me," I said, grinning, "Oh... I get my little girl!" Suddenly my smile dropped, "Star... if you testify, you'll have to tell them that you did drugs as well... and that you drugged me... you'll get in so much trouble!"

"I'll get what I deserve." She said solemnly.

"But... but look at you! No drugs... you're a changed person! You could do so much!"

"And all for what?" She interupted me, "If I keep quiet, I could get out, and continue with my life. What of Marie? Condemned to live the life that I lied my way out of."

"So... you'll give it all up..."

"No, Naomi. Either Marie or myself will have a hard life, and the choice is mine. I choose a good life for Marie, because it's the right way. By telling the truth, we both get what we deserve. If I lie, or say nothing, we both get something we don't deserve."

"Which is?"

"Oh, come on, Naomi," The ghost of a smile played about her lips, "You're smart. If I tell the truth, we both get what we deserve - I deserve punishment, and Marie deserves a decent childhood. If I lie, we get what we don't deserve - I don't deserve freedom at the expense of a baby, and Marie doesn't deserve to be raised by that white trash. But the main thing is, whatever happens to me, happens to Sandy. She needs punishment. I'll take it too."

"And because you'll tell the truth and take the punishment you deserve, and allow a baby the chance at a life she deserves, then you deserve freedom."

"Naomi, if I didn't get in for this, the drugs would have eventually gotten me in for something else. I'm glad I could save someone else's life along the way."

"I'm really sorry, Star," I murmured, shaking my head.

"Stephanie."

"What?"

"Stephanie is my real name. Not Star."

"Alright... Steph." I swallowed hard, seeing this girl in an entirely new light.

She wasn't absent-minded, drugged up, dreamy Star, spiking my drink, and always making the wrong choices... she was Stephanie, a strong, determined person, ready to face whatever juvenile custody sent her way, because she was facing it head on for a baby she hardly knew.

For the first time, I looked that this girl and really admired her.

XxXxXxXxXxXXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I was really nervous when I got Adam's reply. I almost didn't read it...

There wasn't much writing. I had to squint to make it out - he has really messy handwriting.

Naomi, it read,

I'm glad you told me. I understand everything. I admire you for going through all that. Good luck coping with the aftermath of the LSD bummer. I get it that you can't make yourself love another person, I never expected that. I just want to be there for you, if you need me, alright? Good luck with Sodapop, and I mean that. Hopefully his eye's better soon...

Love, Adam.

Well... I had Adam's reply. Time to face the lion's den and do the scariest thing I'd ever done.

It was time to finally tell Sodapop how I felt, and my intentions.

Well, I actually had fun writing this chapter. I feel like shite after putting my other story on hold, but it really had to be done. There'll be about two or three chapters left in this story.

Mucho Amor,

-J-