Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), The Chudley Cannons (I'm, once again, glad I don't own them), Montruse Magpies, The Princess Bride (as you wish!), Oprah, Chihuahuas, Soap Operas, The National Canine Championship (if they exist that is), The Tooth Fairy (Gimme some teeth!), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Another installment in my story: complete! So, err, what else can I say? It's, well, alright in my opinion. Not the best written thing you'll ever see, but hey, I'm only fifteen! What do you expect? Geez. Oh, and I would like to apologize in advance for the bad country music joke. Sorry, I don't like country music much.

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Harry stopped when he reached the door to the Great Hall. He remembered their plan very well, as they had been planning from dinner until lunch time. Harry, Lupin, Ron, and Hermione had planned carefully and had practiced it countless times, mostly due to the unnerving insistence from Ron. Harry knew that this part of the plan had to be flawless, or else the whole thing would be ruined. Harry knew what he had to do. He had to convince James to ask Lily out on a date.

FLASHBACKOMG

At first, when the plan was suggested by Hermione, Harry was sure that it would easy. "No problem," Harry had said. Harry remembered the tales of James's illustrious crush on Lily and assumed that getting James to ask Lily for a date would be a cinch. That is, until Lupin told him about the incident that occurred last month.

Last month on the seventeenth, Lupin told them, was the day that James had given up. James had asked Lily out once again and, as expected, Lily refused. But she refused this time with ferocity. Lily was so tired of James's flirtatiousness that she cursed James so hard that Lupin was unwilling to tell Harry, Ron, and Hermione the gruesome details.

"Sounds a bit like Ginny's Bat-bogey Hex," muttered Harry in Hermione's ear.

Lupin finished the sad tale by telling them that James's self-confidence diminished, leaving James with the belief that he was an insufferable git, causing him to claim that he "had given up on girls."

"That sounds serious," Hermione had said with concern.

"He's not gay, is he?" asked Harry anxiously.

"God knows what he is," said Lupin sadly.

"Well if he is, he'd better not put the moves on ME," sniffed Ron disdainfully.

"Like anyone'd put the moves on you, Ron," laughed Hermione.

"Yes," added Lupin with amusement. "If you and James got together then technically you'd be Harry's father!"

Both Harry and Ron turned very green after this was said.

ENDOFFLASHBACKAWW

Harry shook his head and came out of his trance. He hoped very much that he wouldn't have another flashback like that again. Turning around, Harry saw Lupin, Ron, and Hermione approach him.

"Are you ready, Harry?" asked Lupin.

"I think so," said Harry nervously.

Harry put his hand on the door handle and was just about to pull when Ron stopped him suddenly.

"Don't go in there, Harry!" exclaimed Ron, pulling on Harry's arm.

"Why not?"

"It's too dangerous!"

"What…?"

Hermione crossed her arms and tapped her foot with annoyance. Lupin watched the scene unraveling before him with curiosity.

"There are lots of owls in there!" cried Ron.

"Uh…yeah, there is…" said Harry, starting to question Ron's sanity.

"But what about the R.U.S.'s!"

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist," said Harry dismissively, pulling the door open and stepping in.

"See?" said Harry to Ron. "Nothing happen-GGAAAHHHH!"

All Harry saw as he fell to the ground was a furry mass attacking his neck. Yelling for help, Harry tried to push the thing off, but it had a strong hold on his shirt. Ron and Hermione rushed to Harry's aid and pulled the growling thing off Harry's chest.

Panting for air, Harry managed to gasp "What the…BLOODY HELL …is that thing?"

"I dunno," grunted Ron, holding the growling mass at arm's length.

"I'm so sorry," said a familiar voice behind Harry. "Did Buttercup harm you?"

Harry whipped around, only to find a younger version of Gilderoy Lockhart striding toward him.

Completely shocked, Harry had the instinct to run as fast as he could. But his legs would not move, as it seemed that they had turned to lead.

Lockhart advanced toward Harry, holding out his hand and flashing a huge smile, revealing blindingly sparkling white teeth.

"Nice to meet you," grinned Lockhart, shaking Harry's limp hand. "Gilderoy Lockhart at your service. And what might your name be?"

"H-h-Harry P-I mean Hilfiger…" stammered Harry.

Hermione was staring at Lockhart with surprise and Ron dropped the furry animal he was holding and gaped at Lockhart, both apparently too shocked to say anything.

"I apologize once again for the dreadful behavior of my little Buttercup, I'm afraid she's not very fond of strangers."

"Buttercup…?" said Ron, disgusted.

"What is that thing?" exclaimed Harry.

"She's a purebred Chihuahua," said Lockhart proudly. "First class, won the first prize in the National Canine Championship for best teeth, I'll have you know."

"That thing is a DOG?"

"Yes, a beauty isn't she?"

"I thought dogs weren't allowed at Hogwarts."

"Yes, well…" said Lockhart, his face a little flushed. "For some reason people seem to think that she's a rat, although I can't imagine why…"

"I can," muttered Ron darkly, apparently able to speak again.

"And who is this?" asked Lockhart cheerfully, making a grand gesture toward Ron's general direction.

"This is Ron," said Hermione abruptly. "And this is Lupin,"

"Ah I see," smiled Lockhart. "And you would be…?"

"Hermione Granger," said Hermione, raising her eyebrows. It seemed to Harry that she had gotten over her girlish crush on Lockhart from Second year.

"Well hello Hermione!" said Lockhart, winking. "I believe I haven't seen you before! That's too bad; I usually take it upon myself to personally welcome newcomers. I'm very welcoming. And I must have forgotten the date too; I normally check the billboard for new students. My goodness I'm losing my memory!"

"That not all you'll be losing if you don't shut up," muttered Ron viciously under his breath.

Harry was reminded of his second year when he and Ron actually did cause Lockhart severe memory loss. Harry felt very guilty about it, but he couldn't help but feel a little drop of satisfaction that this fake got what he deserved.

"Well, I better go sit and have lunch with my House," said Lockhart, giving them all a massive view of his teeth. "They all love me you know, can't stand two minutes without me! Dear me, what would Hufflepuff be without me? Come along Buttercup."

Lockhart turned to leave and Harry wrinkled his nose in revulsion. "Well, at least he isn't giving out signed photos…"

"Poor Hufflepuff," said Lupin sympathetically.

"Wow, he's in Hufflepuff!" said Ron. "No wonder…"

"Well, come on Harry," encouraged Hermione. "Let's find your dad."

Hermione, Ron, and Lupin followed Harry through the rows of tables. Searching the Gryffindor table for his dad, Harry felt someone nudging his shoulder.

"Excuse me, Harry," whispered Lupin. "But I think we should separate James from Sirius and Peter so that you and him can talk in privacy."

"Good idea," nodded Harry.

"Hey, look there they are!" whispered Ron excitedly, pointing about ten feet away from them.

The four of them hurriedly weaved their way through the crowd of people who had randomly decided that they'd much rather stand in the middle of the walkway than sit down and eat lunch.

"Hey," said James, glancing at the foursome. "Where've you guys been? Playing Spin-the-Bottle?"

"No!" said Hermione defiantly. "Of course we haven't!"

"How about we play now, then?" said Sirius, winking.

"Umm, James, do you think we could talk?" asked Harry quickly before Hermione could hex his Godfather.

"Sure," said James, gesturing to the seat next to him.

"Erm…I mean…" said Harry, fiddling idly with his fingers. "Man-to-man? You know, alone?"

James gave Harry a puzzled look. "Uh, ok cuz…"

"Right, thanks."

"See you in a minute," James said to the others. Lupin simply smiled and took the seat next to Sirius who, in turn, pushed Lupin off the seat and pulled Hermione in it. Ron scowled and sat across from Hermione. Lupin rubbed his injuries and limped over to the seat next to Wormtail who was too distracted to notice anything else besides his plate.

Once Harry and James reached the end of the Gryffindor table, Harry gestured to two empty seats that were away from everyone else. James and Harry sat.

"So…James, mate…" began Harry nervously. "You know Lily, right?"

James looked over to Lily, grimacing. "Yeah…"

Harry glanced at Lily too. She was casually playing with her soup.

James sighed and turned back to Harry, but didn't look at him. Instead James stared at the table as if the leftover crumbs were the most intriguing thing in the world. But before Harry could further pursue the subject of Lily, something poking out James's pocket caught his eye. It seemed to be some sort of list…

"What are you writing?" asked Harry curiously, craning his neck so he could read some of it.

"Uh…n-nothing…" stammered James, quickly stuffing the thing deeper in his pocket. "Just a prank I'm working on…"

"Let me read some," pleaded Harry.

"Oh, no, no, no, no. I never- I never let anybody read my…erm...pranks…before they're done…"

"Why not?"

"Well, what if they didn't work? What if it turned out to be a dud? I guess that would be pretty hard for somebody to understand."

"Uh, no, no, not hard at all," said Harry softly. 'Man, he really is depressed! Sirius told me he usually couldn't wait to show someone his pranks!' "So anyway, James, about Lily…um… she really likes you..."

"What?" said James, puzzled. "She hates me! She's hated me for years!"

"Well…er…she changed her mind…uh…she told me to tell you that she wants you to ask her to Slughorn's dance."

"Really?" asked James hopefully.

"Oh yeah," continued Harry eagerly. "All you gotta do is go over there and ask her."

"What?" asked James, color draining from his face. "Right here, right now in the Great Hall? What if she said no? I don't know if I could take another rejection…besides, I think she'd rather go with somebody else."

"Uh, who?" said Harry, taken aback.

James pointed in the general direction of Lily. "Lockhart."

Sure enough, Harry whipped around (cricking his neck in the process) and saw to his bewilderment that Lockhart had his arm around a disgruntled-looking Lily. It seemed that Lockhart had better things to do at the moment than crooning over his precious Buttercup.

"You know you want me," Lockhart purred in her ear, his teeth gleaming and one of his eyebrows arched heroically. "You know you want me to give it to you…"

James turned back to Harry, gripping the table so hard his knuckles were white. His face went from snow white to deep scarlet so fast Harry knew it would have made Uncle Vernon proud.

"Erm…James?" said Harry timidly. "Are you okay…?"

"I'm fine," said James gruffly. "I've given up on girls."

"Er…what does that mean…exactly…?"

James shook his head. "She hates me. End of story. I've tried to be…less pompous, but I always seem to make something go wrong."

It made Harry want to cry, seeing his dad like this. 'Wow, this would make a good Soap Opera' thought Harry.

"It's just…" continued James, sobbing slightly in his shirt sleeve. "Whenever I try to do something right…she hates me for it! I…I…I don't understand what I'm doing wrong…"

To Harry's wonderment, the sound of a violin playing appeared out of nowhere.

"…Oh why…? Why…? Why does she hate me so…?"

Harry looked around curiously for the source of the sound.

"I'm just a git…a git…no wonder she hates me…"

Bemused, Harry stopped looking and listened hard for the violin, shifting his eyes back and forth dramatically. For some reason it seemed to be coming form under the table…

"Oh cruel, cruel fate!"

"Erm…" said Harry slowly. "I'll…be right back…"

James sniffed mournfully in reply.

Harry dived under the table, only to find Ron playing the violin next to James's legs.

"Ron…?" whispered Harry, raising his eyebrows. "My dad and I are supposed to be having a private conversation! What the in the name of Oprah are you doing under here? Where did you get a violin! How did you learn to play so well…?"

"Oh," said Ron awkwardly, ceasing his harmonious tune. "Er…I'll…just go now…"

Harry bit back a groan and slithered back to his seat. Glancing back at Lockhart and Lily, Harry saw that Lockhart was now on the ground with a very bad black eye. Lily was no where in sight.

"Um…" said Harry, trying very hard to repress his laughter. "Sorry about that…I…erm… lost my…aglet…"

Expecting a reply or at least a whimper, Harry looked around for James and found that he was nowhere to be seen.

'Ditched by my own father!' thought Harry, astounded. 'Can this day get any weirder?'

Searching around, once again, for his father, Harry's eyes wandered over to the main door of the Great Hall. Squinting his eyes, Harry saw a shock of messy black hair and a Gryffindor robe whip around the corner.

Harry stood up; about to follow James when he saw a paper laying on the seat that James had recently departed from.

'Hmm…what's this? Oh, it's the list that James had been hiding earlier. He must have dropped it…'

This is what it said:

'James Potter's List of Things He Hates:
By James Potter

1. Snivillus- I hate that scab-eating, greasy-faced git. Him and his Dark Arts. He thinks he's so scary, well he's not! Besides, hasn't he ever heard of shampoo?

2. Lily- I hate her! I can't stand her long, silky, red hair and beautiful green eyes….and her fiery attitude and sexy body and-I just HATE HER.

3. Jessica Simpson- ProActive so doesnot work.

4. Lockhart- I wish that pompous, selfish, stuck-up, stupid, arrogant, conceited snob would just drop dead! If he so much as looks at Lily again I'll…do…something…bad-not that I like Lily, I hate her…I think…

5. The Tooth Fairy- ok, so some broad sneaks into your room while you're sleeping and gives you a freaking knut for your treasured tooth that took you so long to pull out? What's up with that? I mean, the idea of some lady sneaking into your room is scary enough, but a knut? Actually, some lady sneaking into my room doesn't sound too bad…but not the Tooth Fairy! Besides, I've been mortally afraid of her since that floss incident...it pains me to think about it…

6. The Chudley Cannons- I mean, who doesn't hate them? They suck! Now the Montrose Magpies, they're bloody brilliant.

7. Hairless Cats- Yuck.

8. Country Music- Discourage Inbreeding: BAN THE COUNTRY MUSIC!

9. Asparagus- Nature's worst mistake.

10. Harry's red-headed friend- okay, so I don't hate him, I hardly know him. I just think he's kinda strange…'

Harry checked the back; there was nothing of importance. Just random doodles including several snitches with the words Lily, L+J, Lily Potter, and I love Lily written inside of them. There was also a small drawing involving Snape surrounded by hungry cannibals while he was tied to a railroad with an oncoming train approaching. Not to mention the flying monkeys holding sledge hammers above him.

Harry smiled mischievously. Maybe this would come in handy after all…

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A/N: aglet:/ Pronunciation Key (ag-lit) n 1. A metal tag or sheath at the end of a lace used for tying, as of a shoe lace.

Just so you know what an aglet is, I wasn't being suggestive. …Or WAS I?

Ha. Got you there. I'll just leave it to your imagination then.

So, like it? Hate it? Tell me so! And thanks to those of you who reviewed!