Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm soooooo sorry for not updating sooner! It's just that I've been working on Divine Torment, and school has been dreadful. But, I managed it! Hope you like this chapter, took me forever to overcome an inconvenient and rather nasty bought of Writer's Block.

Oh, and a HUGE thanks to all who reviewed; I haven't forgotten you!

And also: a big thanks to Imprint Of A Departed Soul, who agreed to edit this and help me overcome Writer's Block. I'll thank you later, Darling, if you know what I mean. (winks)

oOoOoOo

"Hurry up Hermione!" whined Ron, crossing his arms. "You promised to help me get dressed!"

Hermione let out a derisive snort from behind the curtain. She had charmed one to hang across the room in order to give herself some privacy in their Room of Requirement while she dressed for Slughorn's dance. "I didn't say I'd help you get dressed Ronald, I said I'd help you look presentable. There's a big difference."

Ron pouted, but did not retort, and instead resorted to flopping himself onto his bed with an exasperated sigh.

Harry was too nervous to comment on Ron and Hermione's little spat. In fact, he was too nervous to say anything at all. 'I'm going on a date with my mother, I'm going on a date with my mother, I'm going on a date with my mother…'

Now that was one thing a young man did not want to convince himself capable of.

Harry wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his suit as he contemplated the all the possible things that could go wrong that night.

'I could kiss my mother…

I could become gay after kissing my mother…

Lockhart could kiss my mother…

I could become gay after seeing Lockhart kiss my mother…

The Time Turner could be eternally damaged and we might have to stay here forever…

I could cease to exist…

I could somehow become my own father…

Sirius could kiss Ron…

EUGH…'

Harry shook his head, attempting to clear the disturbing thoughts drifting around his jumble of a mind.

"I'm done!" called Hermione from behind the curtain.

Ron leapt up eagerly from the bed as Harry turned to inspect Hermione's ensemble.

Hermione reached out a hand from the curtain and pulled it aside…

Ron gaped. Harry was stunned. Hermione smiled.

"How do I look?"

That was a ridiculous question in Harry's opinion.

The dress Hermione was wearing clung to a figure that Harry had never really noticed was there, flowing out at the hips and stopping just below the knees. Thin straps dipped into a v-shaped neckline that revealed a very subtle, very subdued cleavage. The dress was a warm burgundy color; however, a shimmering gold fabric overlaid the original burgundy material. Matching jewelry and gold flip-flops finished off the look. She even managed to pull her tangled curls into a fancy bun, and wore a bit of make-up as well. Her outfit was simple, yet charming, and absolutely suited Hermione. Harry had already thought of Hermione as pretty, in a natural sort of way, but the effect of her ensemble was reasonably dramatic.

"…Harry? Ron? You didn't answer my question…" Hermione bit her lip nervously, waiting for the verdict.

"You look hot-er…amazing!" gasped Ron. Harry nodded in agreement.

Hermione smiled shyly. "Do you really think so?"

"Absolutely," confirmed Harry, grinning down at Hermione. "You look fantastic."

Hermione beamed. "Thanks." She turned to Ron now. "Ron, get your dress on and I'll help you with the rest."

Ron obeyed reluctantly, taking his respective dress in his arms and slipping behind the curtain.

As Ron dressed, Harry's feeling of happiness for Hermione slowly evaporated as the feeling of dread overcame him. He would be going on a date with his mother! And not only that, but he would be taking advantage of her, something Harry had never done before. The thought made him feel nauseous. 'Oh, why did I have to come up with that plan…?"

It seemed as though his anxiety showed on his face because Hermione put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You can do it Harry," she said seriously. "It really is our last chance this time. It's the only way for your parents to get together, and to get us back to the future. You can do it."

"No pressure, huh?" asked Harry glumly.

"You can do it," repeated Hermione firmly.

"Ahem," came Ron's irritated voice. Harry and Hermione looked up, and Harry saw Ron's head peeking out from behind the curtain, a murderous scowl on his face. "If you two don't mind, I'd like Hermione's assistance with…with this."

Harry raised an eyebrow at Ron's coldness and Hermione gave Harry's shoulder a small squeeze before disappearing behind the curtain and attending to Ron.

Harry sat down on his bed as he waited, head in his hands. Hermione's confidence in him did seem to help his own self-assurance. 'I can do it…I can do it…I can…I can…'

Taking advantage of his mother would be easy, right?

'…Who am I kidding? I can't do it!'

Harry tried not to hyperventilate as the thoughts of self-doubt diluted his mind once more. But panic slowly began to overtake him and Harry clutched to his blanket fearfully, convinced that it could not get any worse that his current situation. He was wrong.

A high-pitched scream jerked Harry out of his panic attack and he leapt up from his bed and, pulling out his trusty wand, readied himself for any trouble that may burst in.

Well, in a manner of speaking.

A blur of blonde and pink barged through the curtain and, howling all the while, barreled right toward Harry.

Harry felt a sudden wave of deja vu as the blur crashed into him, sending poor Harry tumbling to the floor.

"Ron, no!" squealed Hermione, racing to Harry's side. "Are you okay Harry? Did he hurt you? Oh I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have shown him…are you alright? I swear I'll kill him…"

"I'm…fine…" grumbled Harry, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "I just wish he'd stop doing that…"

"I'm so sorry Harry," repeated Hermione, helping Harry up. "I showed Ron his reflection in the mirror…I didn't know he'd take it so badly…"

Harry glanced at the quivering mass that was Ron. He was now curled up into a tight ball, rocking back and forth.

Hermione sighed and strode over to Ron, forcing him to stand up. Ron obeyed after a few minutes of indistinguishable protest, muttering darkly.

Harry examined Ron's ensemble, unsure if he should laugh or run.

It was true, Ron looked nothing like himself. But in Harry's eyes, Ron looked nothing like a girl either. Ron was dressed in a very pink, very frilly dress that might have looked cute on any other blonde girl. The dress was abnormally tight on Ron, due to his masculine frame, and was a bit too short, revealing rather hairy legs from the mid-thigh down.

Ron's hair was once again platinum blonde, but this time it was done up in a fancy ponytail. But that did nothing to soften his appearance, as his face was also done up in a hideous amount of makeup, whose purpose Harry assumed was to hide Ron's masculine features.

Ron pulled back the curtain and faced the mirror again, whimpering pathetically. "I look like a…a drag queen!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Ronald," huffed Hermione. "You don't look that bad…"

"That bad?" squeaked Ron, staring wide-eyed at his reflection. "That bad?"

"There's something missing…" muttered Harry to himself. As he examined Ron's outfit, he couldn't help but feel there was something about it that was absent…

"What?" asked Hermione. "Missing something? What could possibly be mis…oh!"

She grabbed her wand and pointed it at Ron, almost hesitantly. "Torsono Femininco!"

Harry watched with a mixture of amusement and disgust as a rather full bosom suddenly materialized on Ron's chest, much to Ron's alarm.

"Yep," confirmed Harry. "That's what was missing."

"Ahhh!" shouted Ron, arms outstretched and face pointed down. "What did you do to me?"

"I feminized you," replied Hermione simply, slipping her wand into her purse.

Ron gazed down at his new developments, shock apparent on his features. "You mean I'm…I'm not a bloke?"

"Oh no," said Hermione airily. "You are male…well, at least, half of you is. You're neither boy nor girl; you're sort of…in between."

Ron looked up to glower at her fiercely.

"Oh, don't worry," added Hermione quickly at Ron's furious glare. "It's only temporary."

Harry snickered into his sleeve as Ron shot him a murderous scowl.

"Only temporary," reminded Harry impishly, waving a finger at Ron.

Ron's face flushed, and he clenched his fists tightly.

Harry, seeing this as very bad sign, did not comment further, but instead resorted to examining his fingernails idly as Hermione gathered the Time Turner, tucking it into her purse.

"Right," she said as she finished. "We'd better go now; you have to meet your mother Harry."

Ron chortled at this, and Harry shot him a venomous glare.

"And you have to join Sirius, Ron," reminded Hermione.

It was Harry's turn to laugh, and Ron turned to growl in his general direction.

Hermione sighed and grabbed both their arms, dragging them to the door. "Come on, we have to go now or we'll be late!"

"Aww, calm down Hermione," whined Ron as Hermione pushed him through the door. "It's not like being late will ruin our plan or anything…"

"No," replied Hermione stiffly. "It probably won't. But it's best if we start off the night properly…speaking of which, you two have to meet your dates."

Both Harry and Ron groaned simultaneously.

"Go," urged Hermione, pushing them toward their respective directions. "And remember; behave yourselves!"

oOoOoOo

Harry loosened his collar as sweat began to drip down his face. His mother walked next to him, looking rather ravishing in her emerald green dress, which not only matched her eyes, but also matched Harry's.

She slipped her hand in his, and Harry looked down at their conjoined hands, eyes wide with fear.

"You look very handsome, Tom-Harry…" Lily purred in his ear.

"You look lovely too, Lily…" gasped Harry, forcing a smile on his face.

They passed by the garden, decorated with rose bushes and shimmering fountains, and Harry suddenly remembered their plan. However, this did not reassure him; it only made him feel sick to his stomach.

Harry checked his (solar-powered) watch. It was 8:07. Too early.

"So," said Harry hastily, pushing his glasses up his sweaty nose. "Should we check out the dance?"

"Sure," replied Lily. "I'd love to meet your friends again. We haven't exactly introduced ourselves properly."

"Yeah…"

As Harry recalled, Slughorn's dance was to be held in the Great Hall (since everyone in the school was invited this time, not only the Slug Club), and he led Lily in the right direction, craning his neck lest he saw Ron or Hermione along the way.

They reached the doors to the Great Hall, and Harry quickly opened the door for Lily.

The first thing that Harry noticed about the Great Hall when he entered was that it was dark. Really dark. Harry blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the change of light. He felt Lily next to him doing the same. Harry closed his eyes one last time before opening them, then peered at his surroundings.

Lily gasped.

Harry blinked.

'Are we in the right room?'

Harry squinted, examining his surroundings a bit more carefully. And sure enough, there was no doubt about it; they were in the Great Hall.

It was the same size and shape; only the place seemed as if it was decorated to look exactly like a muggle gym, hosting a very clichéd, 70s-styled High School dance.

As Harry ushered Lily through the room, he could see students dressed as muggles sitting on strangely-shaped furniture in the midst of colorful wallpaper and shag carpet. At the center of the Great Hall was a large dance floor with a huge disco ball hanging over it, casting dancing rays of light across the dimly-lit room. The Great Hall appeared nothing like its original self, in fact, the only thing confirming that the Great Hall was not a poorly-decorated High School gym was the Great Hall's ceiling, or lack thereof, revealing beautiful stars twinkling above them in the dark sky. Muggle disco music was playing loudly as people danced and talked, and Harry became aware of the festive and exciting atmosphere. A big refreshment table took up one of the walls on Harry's right, and he headed toward it, dragging Lily along with him.

"Why is it men always head toward the food?" muttered Lily grumpily as Harry frantically searched the room for Ron or Hermione.

"Er, I didn't eat lunch?" provided Harry.

Lily gave a small shake of the head, smiling all the while.

"Oy, Harry!" called a boisterous voice from behind them.

Harry turned around and saw Sirius Black heading towards him, followed by a slightly unhappy-looking Ron.

"Oh, hey, Sirius," greeted Harry. "Oh, and hello Ro-Rhonda. Having fun?"

"Plenty," smirked Sirius, snaking a hand around a reluctant Ron's waist.

"So I see," replied Harry, winking at Ron.

"Have you seen James around?" asked Sirius curiously, peeking over Harry's shoulder as if James would be hiding there. "I've been looking for him everywhere."

"Nope," said Harry quickly. "Haven't seen him. Have no clue where he is."

"Oh, bollocks," scowled Sirius. "I hope the pansy isn't sulking…ever since you asked Evans out, his wand has been up his-"

"Ahem," interrupted Lily, her hands crossed and her foot tapping.

"Oh, hello Lily! How are you darling?" asked Sirius innocently, directing his attention at Harry's mother.

"Fine, Sirius," said Lily shortly, wrinkling her nose. "You aren't up to anything are you? Because if you are…"

"Oh, don't worry," reassured Sirius. "I'm not up to anything, but things are certainly up, if you know what I mean…"

He gave Ron a little wink, much to Harry's horror. Ron's face slowly turned a sickly green color and he looked as though he might toss his lunch.

"Anyway," cut in Harry quickly. "Have you seen Hermione and Lupin around?"

"Oh yeah, see that guy with the afro and the heels over there? They're sitting in a couple of beanbags behind him, talking. What a pair of nerds."

"Right, thanks," said Harry, giving Ron and Sirius a smile. "Shall we Lily?"

"Oh yes," smiled Lily. "I'd love to meet your friend."

"Great. Well, we'll just be going now…"

Ron sent Harry a horrified glance that clearly said, "NO! Don't leave me!"

"Of course," said Sirius, waving his hand. "You two lovebirds move along, Rhonda and I have some business to take care of in the nearest broom closet…"

Ron whimpered.

"Have fun," smirked Harry, following Lily toward the man wearing heels and an afro.

Once they reached the man they halted, peeking around him.

Sure enough, there was Hermione and Lupin, both laughing at something and looking as if they were rather enjoying themselves.

"Hey, Hermione, Remus!" called Harry, approaching them.

"Oh, hello Harry," smiled Hermione.

"Alright Harry?" questioned Lupin.

"Yeah," replied Harry. "Oh, and Hermione; I don't believe you've really met Lily?"

He sent Hermione a meaningful glance, and she seemed to understand.

Hermione stood up from her seat and walked toward Lily, offering her hand. "How do you do? I'm Hermione…uhm, Granger."

"I'm Lily Evans," said Lily, taking Hermione's hand and shaking it.

Lupin and Lily exchanged polite greetings once they had finished, and Harry and Lily sat down with Hermione and Lupin.

"So, Hermione," began Lily, flicking her long red hair out of her face. "What's your favorite subject?"

Harry smirked.

"Ooh, that's a hard question," said Hermione, furrowing her eyebrows slightly. "Well, I do enjoy all of them really, but I have to say I find Arithmancy simply fascinating."

"Really?" asked Lily incredulously. "Most people hate it! But it's my favorite subject!"

"Really?"

"Yes! I know it's difficult, but that's the beauty of it; it challenges me."

"Exactly!"

Harry and Lupin exchanged looks as Hermione and Lily dove into an enthusiastic conversation about Arithmancy.

"So Harry," whispered Lupin. "Are you really alright?"

"…Yeah. I'm fine."

Lupin raised an eyebrow.

"No really! I'm fine! Really!"

Lupin raised his other eyebrow.

Harry sighed. "Okay. So I do have some issues with this…"

"As would I."

"Yeah…but I can do it…I think."

"Good," smiled Lupin, thumping Harry on the back. "Because it's almost time."

Harry gaped at him. "Already?"

Lupin nodded. "If you don't believe me, take a look at your watch."

Harry looked down at his wrist. It was now 8:48.

"Great Scott!" cried Harry, jumping from his seat.

Lily looked up at him, worry etched across her face. "Is something wrong Tom-Harry?"

"Er, no," said Harry quickly. "I mean, yes. Yes, there is something wrong!"

"What is it?"

"I…uh…"

Hermione watched at them apprehensively.

"…Uh…"

"Yes?"

"It's kinda stuffy in here, don't you think?" asked Harry anxiously, pulling on his tie.

Lily gazed up at him doubtfully. "Sort of…"

"Wanna go outside?" blurted Harry.

"Uh…"

"Great! Let's go!" exclaimed Harry, dragging her toward the door. Harry thought he heard Ron—Rhonda screaming something about broom closets being full of spiders, which might have been highly amusing if Harry wasn't just a bit preoccupied at the moment.

Once they were out Harry let go of Lily's arm, letting her jog by his side.

"Harry? Harry! Wait up! What's the hurry?"

"No hurry!" squeaked Harry, stomach churning as he slowed down to a brisk walk. "What hurry? I'm not hurrying, there's no hurry!"

"If you say so…" mumbled Lily, casting Harry a strange look.

They walked for a while in silence, and Harry glanced out the hallway window, noticing that they were nearing the Hogwarts Gardens.

"Do you mind if we go outside…for a while?" asked Harry fearfully, gesturing a shaky hand toward the gardens.

"That's a great idea," said Lily, beaming up at him. "I'd love to go outside."

Harry nodded distractedly and linked his arm with hers, guiding them out an exit and to a nearby bench amidst the greenery and the fountains.

They sat down, and Harry hastily looked around, making sure they were alone.

Lily frowned slightly. "Harry, you seem so nervous, is something wrong??

"N-no," laughed Harry nervously, his voice cracking. "No. Of course not."

"I don't believe you," sniffed Lily haughtily. "Something's wrong. Why are you so nervous?"

Harry gave a weary sigh. "Lily, have you ever…uh…been in a situation where…you know you had to act a certain way, but when you got there, you didn't know if you could go through with it?"

"Oh, you mean how you're supposed to act on a first date?" asked Lily, casting him a shy smile.

"Ah…well, sort of."

"I think I know exactly what you mean."

"You do?" questioned Harry, incredulous.

Lily shot him a sly smile. "You know what I do in those situations?"

"What?" asked Harry apprehensively, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"I don't worry."

Harry was about to respond, but before he could speak, Lily leaned forward and swiftly placed her lips on his, shocking him.

Harry couldn't breathe. He was kissing his mother and he couldn't breathe.

Lily opened her mouth and dragged her tongue across Harry's lips, begging for entrance. Harry, who was suffocating from lack of air, opened his mouth.

As it turned out, that was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Lily gained entrance, her tongue exploring Harry's mouth eagerly, and Harry almost blacked out then and there.

And then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped.

Lily paused, withdrawing her face from Harry's.

Harry could feel his heart thumping wildly against his chest, and he cautiously opened his eyes, not aware that he had been closing them so tightly. He didn't move from shock, but he could tell that he was lying down on the bench, hands clutching the sides of it. He couldn't remember getting in that position…

"Harry?"

Harry leapt up from his position as if he had been burned, jerking around to face Lily with wide eyes.

"Harry, are you alright?"

Harry took a deep breath and sat down next to her, disappointment clouding his thoughts. He couldn't do it. He couldn't take advantage of Lily. They would be here, in the past, forever…

Lily frowned. "This is all wrong…I don't know what it is but when I kiss you, it's like kissing…my cousin."

Harry looked up, disbelieving.

"I guess that doesn't make any sense, does it?" asked Lily sadly.

Harry shook his head. "It makes perfect sense…"

She sighed dejectedly, placing her head in her hands. "Now what?"

"Now," said a voice behind them. "I think it's best if you come with me Lily."

Lily gasped and Harry spun around. It was Gilderoy Lockhart, and he looked mad.

"You," seethed Lockhart, pointing his wand at Harry's chest. "You stole Lily from me…"

Harry groaned. His plan had failed, he had almost been molested by his mother, and now some deranged lunatic was pointing a wand at him. Harry was not in a good mood.

"He didn't steal me from you!" exclaimed Lily, swiftly placing herself between Harry and Lockhart's wand. "You never had me!"

Harry nodded vigorously. What Lily said was a little cliché, but hey, it worked. "What she said!"

Harry Potter knew he had a way with words.

"Come, Lily." Lockhart went on as if he hadn't heard what they said.

"No!" cried Lily. "I'm sorry Gilderoy, but I never loved you, and I never will."

Harry almost groaned again. This was starting to sound just like a Soap Opera.

Lockhart ran a hand through his thick, golden waves. "I know you want me Lily."

"I'm sorry Gilderoy. I don't."

"Oh for the love of Pete!" cried Harry melodramatically, throwing his hands in the air. "Lockhart, don't you get it? She doesn't fancy you, so bugger off!"

Lockhart pulled Lily towards him.

"No!" yelled Lily, trying to pry her way out of Lockhart's arms. "Stop it! Let me go, let me go!"

"She does," hissed Lockhart.

"De-ni-al," sang Harry.

"Why you little-"

But before Lockhart could finish, a deafening sound of crashing stone filled the air, and Harry whipped for the source of the noise.

James Potter was sprinting towards them, cursing several fountains as he ran. 'Talk about dramatic entrances...'

"Hey you!" cried James, aiming his wand in the general direction of the group. "Get your damn hands off-oh…am I interrupting something here…?"

"James!" exclaimed Harry. "Lockhart just came and…well…"

"I think you've got the wrong garden, Potter," growled Lockhart, pointing his wand at James.

James stared at him blankly. "What do you mean? There's only one garden here. Well, unless you mean Hagrid's, but-"

"Potter! Stop dilly-dallying and get us out of this mess!" snapped Lily.

Harry sighed, deciding to take advantage of this incredibly melodramatic distraction. He reached very slowly into his pocket for his wand, and as he fumbled for it, he felt his breath quicken. Lockhart seemed to be watching Harry from the corner of his eye. And, surely enough, just as Harry gripped his wand, it tore itself from his grasp and landed in the waiting hand of Lockhart.

Then, pushing Lily to Harry, Lockhart faced James again. "Now, now Potter. Being the sensible gentleman that I am, I'm not one for violence. So I have a little proposition for you."

James scowled. "I'm listening."

Lockhart thrust his nose upward, a Malfoy-like smirk playing on his lips. "I, Gilderoy Lockhart, challenge you, Potter, to a Dance Off."

Distant thunder rumbled and Harry could see lightening flare in the sky. But despite his eerie surroundings and the strangely dramatized weather, Harry almost laughed. A Dance Off? That was it? That was all Lockhart could come up with?

"That's it?" asked Lily skeptically, voicing Harry's thoughts. "A Dance Off? That's all?"
"Yes," replied Lockhart simply. "It's safe and sophisticated. Of course we'll do it. Unless you're too scared, Potter…"

"Yeah right!" scoffed James. "You're on! We'll do your girly little dance thing. Whoever wins gets the girl."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed Lily indignantly. "I'm no trophy!"

"Of course not, dear!" assured Lockhart. "It's for pride purposes only."

"But whoever wins gets to snog you silly," added James. "And that'd be me."

"In your dreams, Potter," sneered Lily and Lockhart simultaneously.

Harry rushed to James' side, anxiety knotting his stomach. "Are you sure this is a good idea James? It could be a trap."

"Oh don't be such a spoil-sport, Harry," said James, wearing a satisfied grin. "This'll be a piece of cake."

"Can you dance, James?" asked Harry skeptically.

James scoffed. "Of course I can!" Then he murmured in a lower voice, "Mum made me take dance lessons, something about balancing my inner self."

Harry bit his lip nervously. Something about Lockhart's suggestion didn't feel right…

"Right then," sniffed Lockhart. "If you two are quite finished, let's do this."

"Bring it on, Pretty Boy!" smirked James.

Harry sighed, wondering vaguely what Fate had in store for him next. Tonight was definitely not going as planned.

oOoOoOo

A/N: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!!

Just kidding.

Anyway, don't worry; the next chapter will be a lot funnier. I have it all written out.

So, review, review, review!