Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Monty Python (It's only a flesh-wound!), Jerry Maguire (TOM CRUISE!), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Oh, where should I begin? Here I am, sitting at my desk, at 1:00 in the morning…and no, I'm not insane, thank you very much. My mom says I'm special.

But anyway, it's just that…this is the LAST FRICKIN' CHAPTER OF BACK IN TIME! And I'm really excited, but at the same time unbearably sad. And I'll have you know, that I even almost- I repeat, almost-considered discontinuing the story, since it's mostly just the creation of my very strange and twisted mind, and a load of complete nonsense. I was also overcome with a terrible bought of Writer's Block, which I explained about earlier in the last chapter.

But I digress.

Anyway, I realized that I couldn't just discontinue Back in Time because I just hate it when other authors do that, no offense to anyone or anything. But really, let's face it; there are a lot more bad fics in this world than good fics, my own no exception. And when you find a jewel, and then it just cuts off, and you look at the author's last update and see that it was like 1673837987 million years ago, it's just so frustrating! Personally, I usually like to finish a book or a fic, unless they're really really really bad, so please forgive my ranting. I just find it so infuriating, and I couldn't do that to anyone, and especially someone that actually bothered to read my fic of constant nonsense and maybe even enjoyed it. So I believe I did the best I could on this chapter. Well, okay, I have a few regrets, but it's too late in the game to fix them. But that's alright! This is only my second fic after all (my first one is so bad, I didn't bother to post it here, although I might rewrite it someday…), and I can afford some mistakes, right? Right.

Also: Yes, I am aware of the fact that Lucius Malfoy was not around for this time period. But IDGARA!

So, since I just poured out my heart and soul to you, the least you could do is leave a review.

Now onto the story!

oOoOoOo

As it turned out, Fate seemed to enjoy dealing Harry a lousy set of cards.

Harry nervously scanned the Great Hall as his father prepared for the Dance Off. He hadn't been able to tell Hermione what had occurred while he was in the garden, though when he saw her he knew that she could tell that something was wrong. Harry searched the Great Hall for Ron, but he couldn't find him anywhere.

Lily seethed angrily next to him. "I can't believe this, Harry! This wasn't supposed to happen!"

"Yeah," agreed Harry distractedly, scrutinizing the crowds. 'Where on Earth is Ron?'

"And now, I'm supposedly a trophy for Dance competition! Two men! Dancing! Whatever happened to the manly competitions? Oh, what is the world coming to…?"

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, woe is me…"

Suddenly, Harry spied a head of platinum blonde hair bobbing across the dance floor. "You're absolutely right, Lily," said Harry hastily. "And now I have to go."

"But wait!" cried Lily, grabbing Harry's arm. "I haven't finished complaining yet!"

"Don't worry!" said Harry, detaching himself from Lily vice-like grip. "I'll be right back."

He heard Lily sigh as he weaved his way through the masses of students, heading right towards the blonde.

"Ron!" called Harry, reaching out to pull Ron out from the dance floor. "Ron, I've got to tell-"

"Get your filthy hands off me, you commoner," drawled a very un-Ron-like voice.

Harry gasped, pulling his hands back as if he had been bitten. There, where Harry had thought Ron was standing, was a very blonde, very evil-looking, younger version of Lucius Malfoy.

"You must be that Hilfiger fellow everyone's talking about," sneered Lucius Malfoy, gray eyes glinting malevolently. "You're the half-mental bloke who has Potter for a cousin. My condolences."

"Malfoy?" gasped Harry, just barely registering the vile Death Eater from his past, or rather; his future, who now stood before him.

"Yes, that's my name, Hilfiger," smirked Malfoy. "And an incredibly famous name, too. Father says I'll be inheriting the Malfoy fortune any time now, so I suggest you get out of my way and stop breathing my air."

Harry almost laughed. Definitely a Malfoy.

He turned around, searching the crowd yet again for his once-redheaded friend.

"Potter!" shouted a voice behind him, and Harry spun around.

'Oh no…'

A sixteen year old version of an all-too-familiar Severus Snape lashed out a hand, snatching the front of Harry's suit and pulling Harry towards him.

Harry yelped as he found that he couldn't move his arms or feet. 'Snape must've bound me…'

"Now, Potter," hissed Snape menacingly. "I know you and your little friends did this-"

"Did what?" asked Harry, confused.

Snape let go of Harry's front, gesturing wildly behind him. "This, Potter! This!"

Harry peeked curiously over Snape's shoulder, extremely amused at the sight he saw.

There was a rather large bottle of shampoo, colored a violent shade of pink, hovering just behind Snape. It seemed to float correspondingly to Snape's movements, always staying within two feet of him.

"It's been following me everywhere!" howled Snape furiously. "And I've tried everything; hexes, spells, charms, even potions! Everything!"

"Did you try using it?" smirked Harry, stifling a giggle.

"Just give me the countercurse, or I'll hex you into oblivion!"

"I didn't do it."

Snape's lips curled into a sneer. "I don't believe this Potter; not owning up to your own prank? How cowardly."

"But I didn't do it!" insisted Harry.

"He's right, Snivellus, he didn't do it. I did."

Snape whipped around, his greasy black hair whacking Harry's face in the process. "You! You did this?"

Sirius Black stepped swiftly between Harry and Snape, grinning proudly. Harry sighed with relief. "Very clever, Snivellus. Indeed, it was I."

"I should have known," growled Snape.

Sirius pointed his wand at Snape's chest, flicking it upward. Before Snape could react, his feet immediately uprooted from the ground, sending him flying through the air, feet-first. The shampoo bottle followed.

Sirius whispered a small incantation and Snape halted, hanging in the air as if an invisible rope had hoisted him up by the foot.

Several people nearby laughed as Snape thrashed wildly about, blood rushing to his face.

"Oh and by the way, Snivellus," said Sirius coolly. "This isn't James you're threatening, it's his cousin; Harry. Harry Hilfiger."

Snape stopped his squirming, glaring down at Harry with an expression of purest loathing.

Sirius unbound Harry, and Harry turned to Sirius, grateful for his help. "Thanks, Sirius."

"No problem, Harry," said Sirius, grinning wolfishly. He flicked his wand again, and Snape fell down to the floor in a heap. The shampoo bottle pursued him, hovering right behind his left ear.

"Hey, Sirius," said Harry as the two of them made their way off of the dance floor. "Where's Ro-er, Rhonda?"

"Oh…that…" Sirius bit his lip.

"Sirius? Where is she?"

"Harry, I have some bad news and some good news."

Harry closed his eyes, willing himself not to panic. "What's the bad news?"

"Well, Rhonda and I were going to have a bit of fun in the broom closet, when she gets all scared. Something about spiders…anyway, I thought she was just playing hard to get at first but then she starts freaking out. So I said—oh this gets them every time—well…usually— "Don't worry baby, I'LL protect you…." And for some reason she flips out and starts rambling on about how men are always keeping women down, how we think they need to be protected, how we always leave the toilet seat up and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then suddenly I'm surrounded by an angry mob of birds, and Rhonda's on top of a table preaching to everyone! It was a revolution! Or a really sick cult…"

Harry began to wonder about the side effects of Hermione's spell. "…What's the good news?"

"I just saved hundreds of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

Harry sighed. 'It could have been worse…'

"Oh, and stay away from the seafood. There's something in the oysters."

Harry ground his teeth together. 'Never mind that; it can't get any worse than this!'

"ATTENTION!" blared a voice that sounded as if it was talking in a microphone or a loudspeaker. "MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!"

Harry looked up, alarmed.

"PLEASE CLEAR THE DANCE FLOOR, I REPEAT: PLEASE CLEAR THE DANCE FLOOR! A DANCE COMPETITION IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE!"

"Excellent!" cried Sirius, snatching Harry's arm and dragging him off the dance floor. "Let's go find James and wish him good luck!"

"You-you know about this?" asked Harry incredulously.

"But of course. It was all over the school!"

Harry shook his head disbelievingly. It was amazing how news got around these days…or rather, those days.

The crowd of students rushed off the dance floor, moving in massive waves that pushed Harry and Sirius along as they frantically searched for James.

Suddenly, Sirius snatched Harry's arm, dragging him toward the refreshment table, yelling, "I see him!"

Harry looked over Sirius's shoulder as he pulled Harry along, but he didn't see James anywhere.

"Where is he?" asked Harry, squinting his eyes. "I don't see him."

"He's right over there," called Sirius, pointing in the general direction of the refreshment table.

Harry concentrated hard on the table, searching for his father. But the only people that were near the table were Peter Pettigrew, a small group of giggling girls, and some guy with a very large afro. 'Either I'm blind, or Sirius is delusional, because James isn't there…'

To Harry's surprise, Sirius ushered Harry toward the man with the afro and tapped him on the shoulder. The man turned around and Harry gasped.

It was his father, dressed in colorful bell-bottoms and a paisley top, complete with orange heels and a very large afro.

"Hey Prongs," said Sirius cheerily, as if nothing was odd about James' attire. "Good luck with the Dance Off. I know you'll beat that weasel into the ground!"

"Yo, wassup G-unit?" exclaimed James enthusiastically. "How's it hangin' Home Slice?"

Harry gaped at his father stupidly as Sirius answered, unperturbed. "Pretty good. How are you? Are you nervous?"

James scoffed, his afro bobbing up and down as he moved his head. "Dream on, man, I'm not buggin'. I'm just chillaxin', like BAM, man, to the max, fo shizzle. I'll tell that Jive Turkey to kiss my wrist when I ream 'im, Dig it?"

Sirius gasped. "James Potter! Watch your language young man!"

Harry blinked. "Er…And what language would that be, exactly?"

"The hip lingo, man!" grinned James. "I'm just talk-izz-ing like every other cool cat round here, can you dig it?"

"Uh…James? Where'd you get those heels?"

"Mind your potatoes!" scowled James. "Don't be a bunny, my homie. Feel the Funk, do you copy?"

"But…I'm not a bunny…"

Sirius sighed. "He means 'be cool', Harry."

"Totally, man."

"Oh..."

James looked down at his watch. "We better book, dudes. Time for me to groove and get down!"

Sirius nodded. "You're right, Prongs. Let's go."

Sirius and Harry followed James to the middle of the dance floor, and Harry saw that Hermione, Lupin, and Ron were there waiting for them.

"Peace, homies!" called James. "How's it hangin'?"

Hermione, Lupin, and Ron exchanged confused glances.

"Don't diss me, dawgs. Now gimme some skin!" James raised a hand, apparently waiting for someone to give him a high five.

"James?" asked Lupin, his expression bewildered. "Is that you? Why are you talking like that?"

"I'm like, out to lunch man," sighed James. "Why can't ya'll dig the hip way of talk-izz-ing these days, people? Zetus-lapeduz! Come on, get with the times!"

Harry was about to respond when a deafening bang filled the room and the lights went off, making the room as black as ebony.

"What's going on, Harry?" squeaked Ron, seizing Harry's shoulders.

"I dunno…"

Suddenly, a beam of light shot down to the entrance, and Harry could see a golden-haired figure slide in through the doors.

The man got up, dusting himself off, and Harry realized with disgust that it was Gilderoy Lockhart.

'What is it with these people and dramatic entrances?' wondered Harry.

"Attention!" cried Lockhart, snapping his fingers. The lights suddenly went back on, and the dancing floor lit up, sending colorful glowing squares dancing across the ground. "Students, faculty members, ghosts, and food delivery men! May I have your attention! The Dance Off is about to begin!"

An upsurge of murmurs and whispers filled the room as Lockhart made his way toward Harry and his friends.

"Potter," stated Lockhart stiffly.

"Lockhart," growled James.

"Black," greeted Lockhart coolly.

"Lockhart," snarled Sirius.

Lockhart nodded to Harry. "Hilfiger."

Harry grimaced. "Lockhart."

"Weasley!" cried Ron jubilantly.

Lockhart arched his eyebrow at Ron before continuing. "…Anyway, we'd better get this over with. I've got a pedicure at 9:30, and I don't want to be late."

"Let's boogie!" agreed James.

Lockhart and James walked briskly to the middle of the dance floor, positioning themselves so that they were about ten feet apart from each other.

"Scared, Potter?" called Lockhart.

"You wish!" yelled James.

Harry watched intently as the disco music began. It seemed to be Lockhart's turn first, for James stepped back as Lockhart stepped up, head down and arms raised.

The song hit a high point and Lockhart launched into a series of complex dance steps, most of them originating from the 70s era from what Harry could see. Lockhart spun, jumped, leaped, and pirouetted across the dance floor, and as his dance wore on it seemed to get faster and more complicated, until all that could be seen of Lockhart was a dancing blur.

Lockhart finally halted, and a burst of applause erupted from the audience.

"Beat that, Potter…" panted Lockhart, placing his hands on his knees so as to support himself.

"I'll call you out, sucka!" exclaimed James, pushing Lockhart out of the way.

Lockhart blinked. "Pardon?"

James scowled. "You know, I'll beat down your freaky-deaky moves, ya hear?"

"You need help, Potter," said Lockhart slowly, shaking his head.

James sighed and rolled his eyes in the skyward direction. "Beam me up, Scottie. These goons are harshing my mellow."

Lockhart groaned. "Come on, Potter, get on with it!"
James shot him a glare. "Alright, alright. Geez."

Another disco song began to play, and Harry bit his fingernails worriedly as James walked to the center, afro bobbing all the while.

After a few seconds of nodding his head, James dove into the Electric Slide, and then proceeded to boogie across the floor like a deranged ballerina.

Harry glanced around the Great Hall nervously, examining the faces of the audience. The students were watching with interest, and they seemed to enjoy James' dance much better than Lockhart's.

Lockhart watched with increasing infuriation as the audience clapped and cat-called, enthralled with James' simple, yet entertaining dance moves.

James launched in the Hustle, much to the delight of the crowd, and Harry could feel a smile form on his face as he began to enjoy himself.

Once James had finished, the audience went wild; Ron, Hermione, Lupin, Sirius, and Harry cheering as loud as they could.

Harry and his friends ran over to James, still screaming along with the crowd.

"James, you were brilliant!" exclaimed Lupin, his voice hoarse from shouting so much.

"Yeah!" cried Sirius. "You were bloody wicked!"

"There's no way that prat beat you, James," agreed Harry. "You were awesome. And quite frankly, I'm even more impressed that you managed to do all that in heels!"
Ron and Hermione nodded their agreement.

"Thanks, homies," beamed James.

Lockhart walked over to them, a murderous scowl on his usually beaming face. "This isn't over yet, Potter!"

"ATTENTION!" blared a magnified voice. "JAMES POTTER HAS WON THE DANCE OFF, I REPEAT, JAMES POTTER HAS WON! THE DANCE OFF IS NOW OVER!"

"You were saying?" asked James smugly.

"I'll get you yet, Potter!" hissed Lockhart. "Next time, you're going down! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Lockhart turned around, conjuring up a floating carpet with his wand.

"What are you doing?" asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm leaving," sniffed Lockhart.

"But…couldn't you just use the door?" said Harry curiously.

"No, it's not right for my…for my…"

"Idiom?" offered Hermione.

"Yes!" cried Lockhart triumphantly. "That's it…my idiom. It's not right for my idiom. I must leave more…more…"

"Dramatically?" suggested Ron.

"Yes! Dramatically."

Lockhart waved merrily at the crowd before clambering onto the magic carpet and zooming toward the nearest window (nearly colliding into the Disco Ball).

Harry sighed, relieved that Lockhart finally left. Now they could get down to business, but only after…

"Potter?" asked a tentative voice from behind them.

Harry turned around, and to his immense surprise saw Lily standing awkwardly beside them. 'How convenient!'

Lily cleared her throat, fingering her bracelet. "I just…just want to…to congratulate you on a job well done. And…well, that's all. I guess…I guess I'll see you around..."

She turned to go, but James held her back by the arm. "Yo, foxy Mama. I just wanted to say that you are the grooviest chick I know, and that you rock my world."

She looked back at him, an expression of vague surprise on her face.

James exhaled a shaky breath before continuing. "Alright, I'm not letting you get rid of me this time. Lily…I always seem to mess things up around you…whenever I'm around you I show off like a pompous prat, just to get your attention. I can't help it either…it was just that I was desperate for you to notice me, I'd do anything. But you were on my mind too much. I couldn't get you out of my head, and it scared me. It got to a point where I just couldn't stand it anymore; I had to be with you. I asked you out, and you rejected me. I nearly died that day, do you know that? You've rejected me thousands of times before, but this time you really meant it. You couldn't stand me. I couldn't stand to be away from you, and you couldn't stand me. I just gave up after that. I just couldn't handle the rejection."

Lily stared at James, unblinking, her eyes never leaving his face.

"But you know," continued James, giving Lily a small smile. "It didn't work. I still couldn't stop thinking about you…I love you, Lily. You complete me."

Harry almost scoffed at this, but seeing as this was the only thing James had said that actually made sense for the past ten minutes, he held his tongue and waited apprehensively for Lily's reaction.

Lily shook her head slowly, and Harry could see that she was crying, much to his dismay.

"Shut up," said Lily, her voice thick with emotion. "…You had me at 'Yo, foxy Mama.'"

James's eyes widened in disbelief and Lily pulled James toward her, capturing him in a tender kiss.

James snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss.

Harry watched happily as his parents snogged each other senseless, wiping a tear from his eye. He turned to his friends and saw that Ron and Lupin were bawling on each other's shoulders, and that Hermione looked as if she was trying very hard not to cry. Sirius, however, was cat-calling as if his life depended on it.

Once James and Lily pulled up for air, Harry heard his mother murmur, "Do me a solid though, would you James?"

James nodded, gazing at her dreamily.

"Promise me you'll stop talking like an idiot."

"That I can do," grinned James, sweeping Lily into another kiss.

Sirius groaned. "Dear Merlin, get a room for Pete's sake!"

Harry felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face an anxious-looking Hermione.

"Hermione? Is there something wrong?"

Hermione nodded vigorously. "Harry, we have to leave now."

Ron furrowed his eyebrows. "But why? The party was just getting good!"

"You don't understand," said Hermione, shaking her head. "I was just examining the Time Turner, and there's an expiration date at the bottom!"

Harry frowned. "An expiration date? You mean the Time Turner only works for a short while?"

"Yes," said Hermione hastily. "That's why it was in a cereal box, it doesn't last very long!"

"But wouldn't that do a lot of damage if a kid got a hold of it and went back in time?" asked Harry curiously.

Hermione shrugged. "I guess. Don't ask me; I didn't write the story."

"Story?" questioned Ron.

"Never mind that now, we've got to leave; the expiration date is tonight! See?"

Hermione shoved the Time Turner under Harry's nose, and he took it, turning it over until he caught sight of small script that read:

Made in Japan

Ex Date: TONIGHT

"See?" said Hermione. "I told you it was tonight. We've got to go."

"Aww," whined Ron. "Can't we stay a little longer?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"NO, RONALD."

Ron sighed resignedly. "Fine. Let's go."

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "But let's say goodbye first."

The Trio walked back to the Marauders and Lily, Harry in the lead.

James and Lily smiled as he approached.

"Hey guys," said Harry, throat tightening slightly. "Well, tonight's been real great. My friends and I had an awesome time. But it looks like we'll be heading back to…back to…"

"British Columbia," whispered Ron smugly.

"Right…British Columbia."

Sirius frowned. "You guys are leaving?"

"Yeah," said Hermione. "Rhonda's leaving too. She's coming with us to see the sights and all that."

Ron nodded.

"And I'll just walk them out," said Lupin hastily.

Sirius sighed. "I'll miss you guys. Especially you two." Sirius winked suggestively at Ron and Hermione.

Hermione wrinkled her nose and turned to say her goodbyes to James and Lily. Ron turned a delicate shade of green, quickly edging away from the winking Sirius.

Harry turned to Sirius, surprising himself by enveloping Sirius in a large hug. "Goodbye, Sirius." Harry sniffed, knowing that he would never again see his godfather alive and healthy, standing before him.

Harry released Sirius, whose eyes were wide and curious. "See you later, Harry."

"You will," promised Harry, facing his parent's now.

"Goodbye, James, Lily. I'll really miss you guys, you've been great."

James shook his hand, returning his farewell and Lily gave a Harry a hug.

After that was done, Harry stepped back, watching his parents gaze lovingly at each other. "You know, I have a feeling about you two."

"I have a feeling too," said Lily, smiling at James.

James blushed.

"Listen, I gotta go, but I wanted to tell you that it's been…educational."

"Harry, will we ever see you again?" asked Lily.

Harry grinned. "I guarantee it."

"Well, Harry," said James. "I want to thank you for all your good advise; I'll never forget it."

"Right, James. Well, good luck you guys."

Ron and Hermione waved as Harry and Lupin made their way toward the exit, Harry fighting back tears. Now was not the time to get emotional; it was time to go.

oOoOoOo

Once again, the Trio found themselves standing in the Room of Requirement, this time with Lupin in tow.

"What an interesting choice of décor…" mumbled Lupin, squinting his eyes at the brightly-colored walls.

Ron smiled smugly.

Hermione lifted her wand to Lupin's forehead, hand shaking slightly. "Are you sure you want to do this, Remus?"

Lupin nodded gravely. "It has to be done. My memory must be erased. But I just want you three to know that I might forget you in my mind, but you'll forever be in my heart."

The Trio nodded miserably.

"Well, Goodbye, Harry," said Lupin sadly, shaking Harry's hand. "It's been fun."

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "I'll be seeing you later."

Hermione murmured the Memory Charm, and Lupin's face went suddenly blank. She waved her wand in a circular motion, and Lupin slowly closed his eyes, collapsing on the floor.

"What did you do?" asked Ron incredulously.

"I put him to sleep and implanted fake memories of the past week," replied Hermione, smiling dryly.

Harry nodded. "Good. Now, Ron, help me move him…"

Ron instantly went to Harry's side, and the two of them heaved Lupin off the floor, gently depositing him outside the Room of Requirement.

Hermione pulled out the two (solar-powered) watches and the Time Turner, and Harry watched her curiously as she preformed several complex-looking spells, transferring energy from the watches, to the Time Turner.

"Well," said Hermione cheerily, once she had finished. "We'd better get dressed and leave."

Harry and Ron nodded, and each of the Trio took turns dressing into their regular Hogwarts uniforms behind the curtain Hermione had conjured.

Harry glanced at his two friends; Hermione looked exactly as she had on the day they went back in time, but Ron still had long blonde hair, and a rather full chest.

"Um, Hermione…" said Harry, pointing to Ron.

"Oh, right." Hermione turned to Ron, pointing her wand at his head and muttering a few words. Ron's long hair rapidly shrunk and darkened into a fiery red color.

Hermione lowered her wand to Ron's chest, but Ron quickly covered them with his arms.

"Ron, what are you doing?"

Ron shook his head. "I'm keeping them."

Harry laughed. "You're not serious, are you?"

"I am too!" cried Ron, hugging himself. "I've grown rather fond of Jennifer and Sophie."

"You named them?" exclaimed Hermione, eyes wide.

"Ron," started Harry, attempting to talk some sense into his very strange friend. "You can't just walk around with those!"

"Why not?" asked Ron indignantly.

"Because…well…"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's just not right, Ronald. I'm afraid they'll have to go."

Ron sighed. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But…but can I have a few seconds…" Ron sniffed. "…to…to say goodbye?"

Hermione nodded.

Ron's lip trembled as he looked down at his breasts. "Jennifer…Sophie…you've been the best friends a girl could have…"

Harry arched an eyebrow, feeling genuinely concerned for his friend's mental and emotional health.

"…I'll miss you…don't you ever forget me…"

Ron turned to Hermione, saying tearfully, "Do it."

He closed his eyes tightly as Hermione lifted her wand to Ron's chest again, softly murmuring the countercurse.

Ron sobbed into his shirt sleeve as his chest shrunk back to its normal, flat self.

Harry cleared his throat, feeling rather awkward. "Er…right. Now that that's done, let's get out of here."

Hermione nodded, pulling the chain over them and turning the Time Turner the appropriate number of times.

And without further interruption, a blur of colors and light swirled around them, and Harry felt himself spin around wildly until he was too dizzy and nauseous to think…

And then, just as suddenly, Harry felt his body collide with hard, rock-solid ground beneath them.

oOoOoOo

Harry groaned. His head was throbbing…

He heard Hermione and Ron moan beside him, and he felt a sudden wave of déjà vu as he sat up, rubbing his forehead. "Is everyone alright?"

Hermione struggled to get to her feet, since her legs were wobbling so much. "I think so…"

Ron grunted, sitting up. "Yeah."

Harry picked himself up, walking toward the door. "Come on; let's see if it worked!"

Hermione helped Ron to his feet and they followed Harry out the door.

Harry glanced around distractedly as he searched for something that he would recognize from his own time. But, to his disappointment, everything looked exactly the same as it had before they had left and while they were back in time.

"I can't tell where-when, I mean, we are…" mumbled Hermione, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Maybe we should go up the Gryffindor tower," suggested Ron.

"Good idea," agreed Harry, and he headed toward the tower, Ron and Hermione trailing behind him.

Once they had arrived at the Fat Lady's portrait, Harry was about to tell her the password, when a voice stopped him.

"Hey, Harry!" It was Neville Longbottom, and Harry had never been happier to see him in his life.

"Neville!" cried the Trio simultaneously, tackling him to the ground.

"Argh!" hollered Neville as Ron and Harry hugged him violently and Hermione kissed him repeatedly on the cheek.

Eventually, the Trio untangled themselves from poor Neville, standing aside to give him room to pant.

Neville stood up, swaying slightly. "Uh…what was that for?"

"Oh, Neville!" exclaimed Hermione happily, hugging him tightly. "You'll never believe what happened to us! We were here, then we were there, but now we're here again! Oh, and it worked! It worked!"

Neville raised his eyebrows, an expression of utter confusion on his face. "…You know what? I don't think I'll ask…"

Harry gave him a wide grin. "So, what did you want to see me about?"

Neville bent over, picking up several large hockey sticks from the ground that Harry hadn't noticed before. "Oh, well I was gonna tell you guys that the weekly game of school-wide Rugby had just begun. Wanna play?"

"Rugby?" repeated Harry blankly. "But…Rugby isn't played with hockey sticks…"

Neville looked at Harry as though he had grown two heads. "Not played with sticks? I dunno where you guys went, Harry, but wherever it was, it sure did a number on your brain."

Hermione stared at Neville, eyes wide. "You mean to say that there's a weekly game of school-wide Rugby? Weekly? As in every week?"

Neville nodded. "Yeah. It's been a Hogwarts tradition since before my parents went here. So, are you guys gonna play, or not?"

Harry shook his head, incredulous, as Ron beamed excitedly.

"Come on, guys!" exclaimed Ron, barely containing his enthusiasm. "Let's play!"

Neville smiled, handing each of them a hockey stick. "Let's go then, don't want to be late!"

'Well,' mused Harry, holding the hockey stick in his hand. 'I suppose this isn't such a bad change, it might be fun. In fact…'

Harry suddenly grinned wickedly, thinking of a certain blonde Slytherin he'd like to whack with a hockey stick a couple times.

THE E-

"WAIT!" cried Draco Malfoy, leaping onto the imaginary stage (for lack of a better word), his arms flailing.

Harry Potter walked briskly onto the…er…stage…, arms crossed. "…What the hell do you think you're doing, Malfoy?"

"None of your damn business, Potter," replied Malfoy smoothly, brushing non-existent dust off his robes.

Harry scowled. "I believe it is my damn business, Malfoy, as this is my story!"

"Your story?" scoffed Malfoy. "You wish, Potter."

"It is my story!" insisted Harry heatedly. "And besides, you're holding up the ending, so get your ferret face off the stage!"

"Ferret face? We're resorting to calling each other names now? How very childish."

"You're ruining my story!" barked Harry. "Get off!"

"Must it always be about you, Potty?"

Harry growled. "First of all; no, it's not always about me, second of all; look who's talking, and third of all; GET YOUR ARSE OFF MY STAGE!"

"Touchy aren't we?" smirked Malfoy. "Look, if it'll get you to shut up, I'll tell you why I'm here. I need to speak with the author."

"The author?" repeated Harry bemusedly. "Why?"

"None of your business, Potter," drawled Malfoy lazily. "Now where is she?"

"How should I know?"

"I dunno; use your Scar Sense or something."

"Scar Sense? I do not have a Scar Sense!" exclaimed Harry indignantly.

"Oh shut up already!" cried a voice from the left side of the stage. "I don't think China heard you yet if that's what you're going for!"

Malfoy and Harry simultaneously turned to stare into the black abyss that seemed to be the left stage.

"Who's there?" demanded Harry, pulling out his wand.

As if on cue, the author appeared, walking towards them whilst covering her ears. "Now, there's no need for that, it's only me. Really, have you two considered Anger Management classes?"

"Oh good you're here," sighed Malfoy, violently pushing Harry out of his way as he strutted toward the author. "I need to speak with you."

"Why?"

"Why?" repeatedly Malfoy disbelievingly. "You didn't put me in the story! Whatever happened to my role?"

The author cocked an eyebrow. "Role? I don't remember ever planning to put you in my story."

"Your story?" sneered Malfoy. "This should be my story! In fact, I should be the main character! What with my dashing good looks and charming personality. Unlike some people." Here he stared pointedly at Harry.

Harry scowled. The author snorted.

Malfoy turned back to the author, frowning slightly. "What are you snorting at? This is your fault anyway! You didn't even put me in the story! I didn't even get a cameo!"

"You weren't needed for the plot," smirked the author.

Malfoy snarled.

"However, you were mentioned a couple times," she added thoughtfully.

"In which you were insinuating that I was shagging Scarhead and Weasel!" shouted Malfoy angrily, face flushed.

The author suddenly started snickering, completely unabashed. Harry glared at the author.

Panting slightly, Malfoy managed to compose himself. "Not that I would be desperate enough to associate myself to such filth, I think I'd rather stuff my-WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT WOMAN?"

The author's laughs subsided, due to the fact that she had stuffed her fist in her mouth in order to stifle her giggles.

"Don't you think we should end the story already?" asked Harry exasperatingly.

"Not until I find out why I wasn't in it!" spat Malfoy venomously.

"Zetus-lapidus, Malfoy," said the author, rolling her eyes. "Get a grip already! So you weren't in the story, big deal!"

"Yes it is," hissed Malfoy, hands on hips. "The readers should not miss the opportunity to read about someone as rich, handsome, heroic, handsome, charming, and devilishly handsome as me!"

Harry gagged behind Malfoy's back.

"You forgot vain," added the author, cocking an eyebrow. "Narcissistic much?"

"The readers will be deprived!" whined Malfoy.

The author massaged her forehead. "Okay, I think I've had enough."

"Impossible! No one can get enough of me!"

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this all the time," muttered the author sympathetically to Harry. "My condolences."

Harry nodded somberly.

"Right," began the author, frowning at Malfoy. "I've had enough of you and your whining. You will stop this instant, or I will be forced to do something rash."

Malfoy scoffed, crossing his arms. "What could you possibly do to me?"

"More than you can imagine…" smirked the author, a slightly manic look in her eyes.

"You can't do anything to me; I'm rich. Plus, I can sic my father on you."

The author rubbed her chin. "Hmm…I think I'm in the mood to write some Slash…how does Draco/Dumbledore sound?"

Malfoy gasped. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, but I would."

Malfoy's eyes narrowed. He appeared to be contemplating his options.

The author examined her fingernails.

"Fine," snarled Malfoy. "If you won't put me in your story by choice, how about a bribe?"

"I'm listening."

"Okay, so if you put me in your story, I'll…I'll let you kiss my shoes!"

The author wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Not a chance, Malfoy."

"Do you want me to beg?" offered Malfoy desperately.

"Go ahead," the author waved a hand. "See if it works."

Malfoy growled, his blonde hair starting to come out of its slicked-back state. "Just put me in the bloody fanfiction you wench!"

"How does a threesome sound?" asked the author mildly.

Malfoy's eyes widened. "NO! no! I didn't mean it!"

"I'm thinking…Draco/Percy/McGonagall…"

"NO! Please! Anything but that!!!"

"Okay, Draco/Harry then?"

Harry blanched. "Don't bring me into this! I wasn't the one who interrupted the ending!"

"Me and Potter?" scoffed Malfoy. "You wish, Potter."

"I didn't say it, Malfoy!"

"Oh come on Potter," drawled Malfoy, winking suggestively. "You know you have desires for me…I'm irresistible I know…"

"No way in hell, Malfoy."

"Come and get it, Potter…"

"Malfoy! Stop that! You're disgusting, you know that right?"

"Disgustingly…sexy."

"...Eugh, Malfoy! Oh Merlin…don't lick your lips like that…quit it!"

"What?" asked Malfoy innocently. "You don't like it when I do…this?" Malfoy closed his eyes, chin jutted upward slightly. Opening his mouth he revealed his tongue and dragged it across his lips, slowly and deliberately.

"I'm going to have nightmares for a year…" muttered Harry, eyes wide.

"Not nightmares Potter. Fantasies!"

Harry turned to the author, his expression murderous. "Make him stop."

"All you had to do was ask," grinned the author wickedly.

Suddenly, an oddly familiar Tooth Fairy dress appeared on Malfoy's person. Malfoy gasped, staring down at the frilly dress in horror.

"Nice dress, Malfoy," smirked Harry. "Looks good on you. Brings out your eyes."

"Stuff it, Potter."

"Now, shut up and leave, Malfoy, so we can finally end this thing before I do something worse," commanded the author, pointing to the right stage.

"What? No, I will not be bossed around by some lunatic muggle!"

The author leaned forward, eyes flashing dangerously. "I would oblige if I were you. Or do you want me to write some Slash…?"

"Shutting up."

"Too bad, Malfoy," sighed the author. "You make a great ponce…now, Harry, what do you say we end this thing before our reader's die of boredom? Or of Chlamydia, whichever comes first."

Harry sighed. "Finally!"

The author grinned and pointed to the curtains, which closed on cue. Unfortunately, a certain blonde Slytherin got caught by an oncoming curtain and toppled off the stage into a nearby (and rather conveniently-placed) pile of manure ("What the h-GGGGGGGAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!").

Oh the Irony.

THE END!!! (It really is this time, I'm afraid.)

oOoOoOo

A/N: Hahaha, sorry; I just had to add that last part in.

Draco: (glares furiously)

Author: (winks) You have to admit though; that last bit was funny.

Draco: I strongly disagree with that sentiment. (scowls)

Author: You would, wouldn't you? Pathetic brat.

Draco: Sadistic maniac!

Well, can't argue with that one. Anyway…where was I? Oh, yes: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU-(deep breath)-THANK YOU, THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO REVIEWED OR WILL REVIEW IN THE FUTURE AND I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

Ahem…oh yes. I must thank my dear friend, Imprint Of A Departed Soul, for editing this for me! Have I thanked you properly yet, Darling? No? Well then, that can be easily remedied…(winks).

Oh, I'll miss you whoever you are! Come back soon! Or, if you prefer not to read the same chapter over and over again, you can check out some of my other stories! Don't you fret (or run away and hide in fear…); I will have more fics coming.

Muhahaha.

Until then!