Disclaimer: I own nothing; Harry Potter and the elements of his universe all belong to J.K.Rowling. Firefly/Serenity and the elements of its universe all belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER NINETEEN – Mel's Dinner

"Bugger!" Harry exclaimed startling the rest of the crew.

Mal frowned at the odd exclamation. "Excuse me?"

Harry ignored him and continued. "Are you saying the title of the book is A Biography of Harry Potter or just that it's a biography?"

"It's the title," Mr. Universe relayed.

"Bollocks!" Harry exclaimed. "Is it the one written by Anonymous?"

"There's more than one?" Jayne turned and asked Zoe.

"How'd you know that?" Mr. Universe exclaimed.

Harry sighed and wasn't quite sure how he felt about this. On one hand, while there were aspects of his past that he wished stayed there, it's not like the crew could look at him any weirder. And on other hand, he was looking forward to re-reading it, and imagining it being read to him. "I'm familiar with this particular biography."

Inara saw Harry thinking and asked, "There are multiple biographies written about you?"

Harry looked up at her and succinctly answered, "Yeah."

"All because you're some quidditch star?" Jayne asked. "But I thought that game you showed us was from the only World Cup you played in? And you never went professional?"

"Well," Harry added. "It wasn't just because I played quidditch. I was something of a… famous wizard."

"How famous?" Mal asked.

Harry sighed. "In my lifetime?" Harry scratched his chin in thought and settled on the only answer he could. "I am probably the most famous wizard."

"Is that a fact?" Simon asked curiously.

Harry shrugged. "I didn't know magic was real until I was eleven, but every witch and wizard in England knew my name before I was two."

"And you didn't feel like sharing this information before?" Simon continued.

"No," Harry admitted. "I didn't. I've never cared for fame, though there are some benefits to go with all the drawbacks. But faced with the possibility of seemingly being the only living wizard around this side of the verse, it was totally irrelevant."

"So if not quidditch, what are you famous for?" Kaylee asked. She saw Harry's hesitation and quickly added, "If you don't mind me asking."

Harry smiled to put Kaylee at ease. "I don't mind, but don't you think you'd rather wait for the book?"

"No," Mal said.

Harry saw Mal was waiting for an answer and explained, "Right, okay. Well like I told you there was a dark wizard killing people. On Halloween night, when I was a one-year old baby, with my family a known target of this fella, we were in hiding from him. He found us. He killed my dad. Then he killed my mom. Then he tried to kill me. The Killing Curse, an unforgivable spell which had never before failed, bounced off my forehead and right back into his face. Many people thought he was dead after that and I was the first ever Killing Curse survivor. A one-year-old baby that supposedly defeated the Dark Lord. They called me the Boy-Who-Lived and celebrated the end of his first reign of terror."

Harry shrugged unconcerned. "It's why I was then forced to live with my muggle aunt and uncle. To hide me from all the dark followers of this Dark Lord, while every magical place in Europe was toasting and cheering my name. I had the occasional odd nightmare about a flash of green light, but my aunt and uncle assured me that my parents were useless alcoholics who died in a car crash. It wasn't until I was eleven that I learned about magic, what really happened to my parents and worst of all that I was quite famous for things I was too young to even remember doing."

Harry stopped and sat there in silence, garnering odd looks from the rest of the crew, excepting River who was still in the cockpit piloting the ship.

"You people are weird," Simon admitted.

Harry nodded in agreement, "Yup. I think I said it before but my adolescence and school years were pretty surreal."

"Harry," Zoe explained. "Everything about you is pretty surreal."

"I'm going to check on River," Simon stated as he got up to walk away.

"Be nice to her," Harry warned.

Simon turned and frowned. "I think I know my sister a bit better than you."

Harry didn't feel like destroying that delusion right now and explained, "I just mean that she's working under her own mental shield now. And it could collapse at any time, especially in moments of stress and high emotion. Embarrassment can be a powerful emotion and it sounds like her hormones are doing enough work without your blunt attempts at scolding. It's just…" Harry paused and finished, "She's more fragile than she looks."

Simon appeared far less irritated and displayed a maturity that pleasantly surprised Harry. "Got it," he replied and left towards the bridge.

Harry turned to the others with a grin. "I think he's starting to hate me a little bit less."

"Can't hate you more," Kaylee agreed.

"Hello?" the curious voice of Durran Haymer greeted the incoming communication wave.

"Durran," Harry grinned. "Life treating you well, I hope?"

"Oh it's you," Durran rolled his eyes, dropping his façade of cultured elegance.

Harry gasped and clutched his chest. "It is me, isn't it?"

"Good to see you, Harry. Frank said you might be interested in that old biography?"

"Yeah," Harry reluctantly admitted. "I would like to get my hands on it."

"He seemed to think none of the others in that same collection sounded like your sort of thing," Durran stated carefully.

Harry nodded. "Frank knows what I'm looking for, but I wouldn't mind taking a glance at the others there. You know how it is, a lot of times I won't know it until I see it. Out of curiosity, have you read the biography?"

Durran shook his head, "It was weird. The cover was in English, but the book wasn't in any language I could recognize."

Harry exhaled a silent sigh of relief.

"But the picture on the cover is hilarious," Durran chuckled. "This old guy was caught completely off-guard and looks horrified that his picture was taken. Quite humorous."

"Bugger," Harry mumbled. "We're about a week away from you-"

"And you're calling me?" Durran asked looking at his feed skeptically.

Harry grinned cheekily. "I'm Harry, remember? I don't let things like the limits of proper communication or the legalities of signal hopping bother me."

"You sure you don't want to patent that technology?" Durran asked impressed.

"Not particularly," Harry shrugged. "It'd probably make a few people rich, but then they'd find ways to prevent it if more people used this particular method. Anyways, Durran, you know at a minimum I want this book. What's it going to cost me? You got a job in mind or a price you're looking for?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry," Durran smiled. "You know with all your curious talents, favors from you are worth so much more than money."

Harry gulped. "Oh dear."

Durran snickered. "I need you to utilize your guile and charm."

"You're complimenting me? That can't be good. You're asking too much already."

"Yes, well, you remember your friend that you told me about?"

Harry nodded, waiting for a bit more explanation than that.

"Monty, his name was?"

"Yeah," Harry slowly answered.

"And your new Captain, Mal?"

"Oh no."

"I just want them to come to dinner."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Mel is doing much better and I think if we put her in a position to face up to the person she was, she'll finally be able to move on and become the wife she wants to be."

"You're insane."

"From you," Durran commented. "That means absolutely nothing."

"You want a dinner party."

"Yes," Durran exclaimed. "Casual dress is fine. If you or any others are to be in attendance, you are all welcome. Just let me know how many to plan on."

"Oh I'm not gonna miss this."

"I'm sure Mel will be delighted to see you," Durran said with a wry smile knowing full well his wife's opinion of Harry.

"Someone's gotta referee," Harry grinned. "Have you told her yet?"

"You haven't even agreed to help me with this, Harry."

"Alright," Harry said. "Don't tell her. I'm going to need surprising her as a selling point to get Monty and the Captain to agree."

Durran thinned his lips. "I don't like deceiving my wife."

"Durran," Harry said condescendingly. "Mel and deception go together like peanut butter and sex. You can't separate them. You just gotta adjust to enjoying them together."

Durran sighed, unfamiliar with many of Harry's odd sayings. "I won't lie to her. If she asks me directly I will tell her the truth."

"Alright," Harry said. "I'll see if I can swing this. When are you thinking?"

"Next Saturday too soon?"

Harry paused and seemed to be pondering for an inordinately long time. The screen over Durran's face suddenly shifted into text that read, 'Today is Thursday, idiot.' Harry grinned at Frank's silent help. "Saturday should be fine. If it's not I'll let you know a better day for us. I'll call and tell you who all is coming, but I suspect since all eight crew members here are familiar with Mel, we'll all be interested in attending. So expect nine of us for now. Ten if Monty brings backup."

Durran frowned and Harry hastily corrected himself. "Did I say backup? I meant a date. Ten if Monty brings a date."

"Excellent Harry, excellent," Durran grinned ignoring Harry's painfully intentional gaffe. "I've got a good feeling about this."

Harry laughed and laughed, ruining Durran's good feeling. "I'll talk to you later Durran," Harry snickered out.

"Goodbye," Durran said rolling his eyes closing off the communication.

"River?" Simon gently asked as he walked onto the bridge. "Mei mei, are you okay?"

River looked over at her brother and then back forward again. "I don't suppose Harry toyed with your brain and wiped away any of your recent memories."

"No," Simon assured her. "At least I hope not." Simon paused and began to wonder.

"Craptacular."

"It's not that bad," Simon smiled and sat in the co-pilot's chair. "But I would like to know why you didn't come to me with this."

River looked over at her brother. "Alright, Simon. How's this: you know how I've become completely dependent and reliant on the help from the cute new guy? The one who spends a large amount of his time in my head and knows me more intimately than anyone ever before has? Well in assisting me on the road to normalcy, I've been noticing more typical emotional reactions. As a result of this progressive movement with him inside me, I find all this close, extremely personal contact has left me hot, bothered, and lusting for his naked sweaty-"

"I get it! I get it!" Simon franticly interrupted her. "The brother side of me would not have reacted well to that. But I am trained to be an impartial physician and I could perhaps help you understand and deal with this. We could examine the medical and scientific effects. I know the mental areas and… magic are beyond my rational comprehension, but puberty is not a new concept to me. I even went through it myself." Simon unnecessarily added, "Once."

River shook her head. "It's not that big a deal. It's just a phase. It'll pass. I was hoping it would have passed before anyone noticed, but…"

"Yeah," Simon agreed half-heartedly. "We all noticed."

"What?" River exclaimed, her mouth hanging open in shock.

Simon rolled his eyes. "You're not quite as subtle as you used to be, mei mei."

River's jaw snapped shut with a click.

Simon chuckled. "This isn't a bad thing either. Considering how much better you've been doing, acting a little more human is a small price to pay."

"You think Harry noticed?" River asked apprehensively.

"Before… I'm not sure." Simon shrugged. "But now I think it's pretty unavoidable."

"Sigh," River said unaware she was merely saying the word and not sighing.

Simon held back a smile and forced himself to think of the rest of the crew's opinion of Harry. "I can't believe you're making me do this, but I don't think it's going to matter to Harry."

River turned to Simon and asked, "If Zoe declared her unquenchable lust for you, would you be able to interact with her the same way?"

"Zoe?" Simon asked curiously, unable to even imagine the situation. "Well… no, I mean… I've never…" Simon gave up and shook his head. "The point I'm saying is that Harry's older than dirt. Literally, come to think of it, considering these planets hadn't even been terraformed when he was born."

River hadn't quite thought of it that way, but it was true.

"And he's lived a long life of fame, if we are to believe him," Simon continued though it pained him to say some of these things out loud. "I'm sure he's had to deal with adoring fan girls in the past."

"I'm not some adoring fan girl!" River insisted.

"No, no," Simon said leaning back, fearing River's wrath. "But the reasoning and emotions driving them are the same… affliction you seem to be suffering from."

River looked over at her brother and suddenly realized he was right. This was not a comforting thought.

"If you'd like," Simon offered. "I could test to see how much your estrogen levels are fluctuating, as well as any other abnormally present hormones. I've probably got some drugs to help counter any imbalance."

River grumbled. "Lovely. I get horny and turn to my older brother for drugs."

Simon winced at the painful reminder but tried to cheer River up. "For what it's worth, that's a pretty normal response for a young woman."

"At least I can be cruel and not have to explain myself," River said looking on the bright side.

"That's the spirit," Simon agreed. "And definitely make Harry the target for those feelings. It might help fix some of those other broken feelings you're having."

River was pouting at the unfairness of everything.

"Let me draw some blood and run it through an analyzer. It'll give us an idea of where your development is hormonally and perhaps what to expect."

River finished setting up the autopilot and proximity sensors. She got up and followed Simon back to the infirmary. She rolled up her sleeve and was presenting her arm for Simon to draw blood from. "Somehow I think a cure for puberty is too much to hope for."

"Now that is an idea that would make me rich," Simon replied with a smile. "Not to mention the personal hero of every parent in the verse too." Simon found the vein easily and took a couple of milliliters. He started up his favorite new medical toy, a comprehensively exhaustive blood analyzer. "This is going to take a few minutes to run, but I've got a couple questions about your moods to ask."

"Oh joy," River sarcastically feigned enthusiasm.

"Right," Simon said ignoring her seemingly shorter than normal fuse. "Okay. How would you describe your attitude at present?" Simon saw River was going to be unhelpfully crude and immediately added, "Honesty, not sarcasm, please."

River huffed and settled on, "Irritable, touchy. Testy, you might say."

"Stop smiling," Simon ordered, lifting a warning finger at her but not looking up from his work. He was jotting notes down. "So you're easily annoyed. A significant amount of time around Harry would do that to most well-adjusted of us."

River found herself conflicted on whether to agree with that or to defend Harry. She settled on begrudgingly humoring Simon.

"Would you say you're… irritated more often than not?"

River shook her head. "No, only when a situation warranting it arises. Of which there have been several in the past day."

Simon certainly couldn't argue with that. "And you've been feeling more sexual lately? More feminine perhaps?"

"Feeling sexual?" River clarified, puckering her lips out in thought. "Are you inquiring if I've been having more urges or desires than usual?"

Simon was looking a bit off-color but nodded. "That's one way to answer, sure."

"Well," River admitted. "To be honest before meeting Harry I'm not sure I ever felt sexual at all."

Simon winced. "Because of the…"

"Yes," River admitted. "Because of the torrent of emotions, sounds, visuals, thoughts, and everything else that's been numbing my entire system and senses of perception."

"Did you really never feel any sort of desire or urge before?" Simon hesitantly asked.

River shook her head negatively and amended, "Feel them before? Of course, countless times. But I wasn't the one having the response or desire. It was someone else's feelings I was picking up on."

"Oh," Simon agreed and looked down to jot in his notes. "Does that mean…"

"Yes," River rolled her eyes. "You and Kaylee both."

"I'm sorry, mei mei," Simon whispered setting down his pen.

"Simon, you don't have to apologize," River replied, slightly irritated that it needed to be said again. "I owe you my life. Everyone knows that. We all know everything you've sacrificed to help me and that is a guilt I carry with great pride. No one could ever hope for a better brother than you."

Simon smiled at his sister having talked about this many times before, but still relishing in the knowledge that he was appreciated.

"And yes," River added. "Harry's helping me in ways no one else could, not even you. But in case you missed the memo, my burning loins are making it very clear that I don't see Harry as a brother. So stop worrying he'll ever replace you."

Simon's smile faltered and he mumbled as he wrote, "Patient's mood frequently drifts into a dark place." He heard a warning growl and was grateful for the distraction when his analyzer let out a loud ding, indicating it had finished. Simon printed out the detailed reports and gave them a quick once-over. He saw River looking at him hopefully and moved towards the shelf where he kept some reference books.

"What?" River asked worriedly at Simon's delay. "What is it?"

Simon was focusing on his work and just answered, "I want to be sure first but…" He paused and kept reading. He glanced at the reports and then flipped forward a couple pages in the medical volume. He sagged as the tension left his body. "It is official, River."

"Oh no."

"You've got completely normal levels for a female in her early twenties," Simon explained unsure if this made him feel better or worse.

"Gorramit to high hell," River snapped. "I told Inara to stop doing that! And now look what she's done."

"Physiologically, you're past puberty. Your estrogen is right on the mark, your progesterone is right on the mark, and your testosterone is slightly elevated but well within standard deviations."

"Does that mean what I think it means?"

Simon nodded and grinned. "There's no good scientific reason you should be attracted to Harry."

River frowned as her brother's face seemed to split into a smile at that declaration. "Really? So choosing between the Captain, Jayne, Harry, and my brother as the four readily available males, you see no logic in an attraction to Harry?"

Simon shrugged. "It's possible that I'm biased, but no. I can see no logical reason anyone could be attracted to Harry. Ever."

River was ignoring her brother and had closed her eyes, hoping to avoid the coming headache.

"You may want to talk to Inara," Simon suggested. "She's probably more familiar with the sensual side of womanhood than my limited clinical experience."

River snickered. "Limited and clinical, eh?"

"Hey now," Simon jokingly defended himself.

"Sorry," River said, though she didn't particularly sound it. She mockingly added, "Thank you Simon, for conclusively providing me evidence of something I really didn't want to know."

"But don't you see," Simon argued. "Now that you know, you can stop thinking of Harry that way."

"There you guys are," Kaylee cheerfully greeted as she spotted the two people in question. "Harry talked to Durran and needs all of us together." She saw their faces at her statement and asked, "Is everything alright?"

River nodded. "Simon's trying to explain to me how I can stop yearning for Harry's magic wand."

Simon feared the number of horrid puns and crass innuendo he was in store for.

"Why would you want to do that?" Kaylee asked curiously. "He's awful dreamy."

"Kaylee!" Simon exclaimed having his theory about attraction to Harry shattered so quickly.

"Oh right," Kaylee realized and ran over to kiss him soundly. "Of course sweetie, you know I could never find anyone attractive as long as you are alive, right?"

"Right," Simon agreed uncertainly.

Harry was finishing up his video conversation with the burly, unhappy man.

"I said I'll do it, Harry. I know I owe you."

"I'd consider any and all debts settled and even owe you one for this, Monty," Harry explained. "I really appreciate it."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Monty reluctantly agreed. "Next Saturday you said?"

"Yup. On Bellerophon," Harry answered. "You want us to swing by and pick you up, or you just want to meet us there?"

"I'll meet you there," Monty said. "Just wave me the details when you got them. Am I going to have to dress up for this?" Monty whined painfully.

Harry shook his head. "How many will be accompanying you?"

"Just me," Monty waved at Harry. "I like my friends too much to make them go through something like this."

Harry nodded and was thinking deviously. "In that case, you mind if I swing you a date? It'll make a better impression and could be a lot of fun."

"Alright," Monty shrugged and agreed. "You know my stance on uggies and fat chicks."

Harry chuckled and snickered out the oft-repeated phrase, "With the lights off just make sure it's not Mom."

"That'll get a man through a war," Monty smiled. "I guess you can teach a new dog some old tricks. Adios Harry."

Harry tapped the communicator and hurried to the dining table where he expected the rest of the crew to be waiting for him.

"Sorry about that," Harry apologized seeing everyone, including a defeated and resigned looking River, was waiting on him. "Needed to talk to a friend first."

"So what's up?" Mal asked. "Durran's asking price too high?"

Harry grinned knowing Mal would probably say yes to that question. "I don't think it is, but to be honest, I'm in two minds about whether I even want the book."

"We're getting it," Zoe insisted firmly.

"That's the way I thought you'd feel," Harry answered. "So you can all pressure Mal into agreeing to Durran's asking price."

"We're not paying through the nose for this Harry," Mal answered. "If it's too high, we'll just steal it."

Harry smiled brightly. "Well, we are lucky enough that the price is not any money. It's merely your presence at a small, casual dinner party."

Mal looked at the others for a moment and saw the smile on Harry's face. He finally caught on. "Oh hell no! We're gonna steal it!"

"What?" Jayne asked. "Is he gonna arrange for feds to pinch us or something?"

"No! No! No!" Mal insisted in response to Harry's silent pouts.

"No feds, Jayne," Harry answered. "And in fact we're all invited. I had to call in a big favor but Monty's coming too."

"Monty?" Jayne asked as everyone else's eyes widened. "What's he got to do with…oh. Ohhh. Saffron?"

Harry nodded, enjoying the frustration on Mal's face.

"I thought she was in prison!" Mal asked. "What's she even doing out?"

Harry shrugged. "Don't ask me to explain him. Durran's a bit mental, but he got them to release her into his custody. She's confined to his place, through inhibitor bracelets and periodic check-ins, but… yeah."

"The woman who's tried to kill us and steal Serenity?" Inara asked worriedly.

"To be fair," Jayne added. "We did leave her in a dumpster in the middle of the desert."

"She's gotta be up to something," Kaylee asked. "She's always got an agenda."

Harry shook his head. "Durran seems to think this will help her move on, forcing her to address the woman she was… or some such rubbish."

"I don't buy it," Simon said shaking his head. "Mrs. Reynolds is too much trouble."

"Don't call her that," Mal snapped.

"She doesn't know about the dinner party, does she?" River stated more than asked, earning a nod from Harry.

Harry grinned. "There's a decent chance that we'll just get to surprise her with our presence. Doesn't that at least sound like some fun?"

Zoe admitted, "Yeah and it'll be nice to see Monty."

"I don't like this," Mal frowned.

Harry clapped his hands. "It's fine by me, but then no biography."

"We can still steal it," Mal whined.

"It's a dinner party, Captain," Kaylee pleaded. "We know what we're getting into, and we've got numbers on her."

"You think Monty would risk his beard around her lightly?" Jayne added.

"Famous last words," Mal tiredly relented and agreed. "We know what we're getting into. Kaylee, have you met Harry?"

Harry grinned at Mal's acceptance. "I wouldn't put us in any danger, Captain." Harry paused and added, "You know, not intentionally or anything." He gave it another thought and amended, "Well not too bad at least." Harry was enjoying the looks he was receiving and just shrugged, "Nothing I can't heal anyways." A moment of pause, "Mostly," and Harry dropped his voice to a whisper, "I hope."

The two ships rendezvoused just outside of the atmosphere near Bellerophon. Monty followed Serenity as she led him down towards the hangar on Durran Haymer's large floating island of an estate.

The eight crew members of Serenity were on the ground and moving just as the other two guests were exiting their ship.

"Monty!" Mal greeted and shook his old friend's hand. "I think I could use a familiar face tonight rather than the rats and scallywags that came with me."

"Oh I suspect we'll get a familiar face," Monty agreed. "And then some. Did Harry manage to blackmail and guilt you into this one as well?"

"More like he mutinously turned my entire crew against me," Mal admitted.

Harry was just whistling innocently looking up towards the twilight sky.

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," Monty snickered. "Hey Harry, you don't go half-assed when you arrange for an escort, do you?"

"Harry playing matchmaker with you," Mal asked with a grin, "on a night like tonight?"

"Not exactly matchmaker," Harry shrugged. "No problems with you two, right?"

"She'd forgotten a shawl that she went back to get," Monty smiled and waggled his eyebrows. "Though how you tricked her into this I'd be most interested to hear."

"And just who is this mystery lady?" Mal asked curiously.

"Madame Jocelyn!" Inara exclaimed at the sight of the woman with the deep auburn hair and strongly controlled sense of elegance.

"Inara Serra," the stern refined beauty said as she descended the steps from Monty's ship. "It has been a very long time since I have seen you. You appear to be doing quite well for yourself."

"Thank you, Madame. Not since the Academy have our paths crossed, I believe," Inara admitted with a small nod of her head.

Harry saw the looks of confusion on several of his fellow crew member's faces. "Madame Jocelyn," Harry said attracting her attention. "Allow me to introduce the crew of Serenity. This is Jayne, Zoe, River, Simon, Kaylee, and Captain Malcolm Reynolds. I trust you know Inara and have already met Monty." Harry turned towards the others and did an extravagant wave of his hand, "This is Madame Jocelyn Scarborough of House Rosmerta."

"It's a pleasure to meet all of you," Jocelyn said inclining her head in greeting. "Even if it is at the cost of seeing Harry again."

Inara's face dropped in shock hearing her former instructor crack a joke.

"Jojo!" Harry gasped in mock despair. "You wound me."

Jocelyn's smile fell quickly from her face and she closed her eyes tiredly. "Why do you insist on calling me that ridiculous moniker?"

"Because secretly you like it, though you'll never admit it openly?" Harry guessed.

Jocelyn rolled her eyes and looked at the others, "Does Harry have a habit of blessing all of you with nicknames you'd rather never hear?"

Everyone else was shaking their heads and admitting variations of 'no' with the exception of the muffled yell of "Yes!" from Harry's pocket.

"Shush!" Harry scolded patting down his coat pocket. "I'll turn you off if I have to."

"Hmmph," Mr. Universe's voice replied from Harry's pocket before going silent.

"How lovely," Jocelyn agreed. "I'm in the same company as Harry's trench coat."

Harry just smiled and looked towards Jocelyn's unofficial date for the evening. "I hope Monty has been a perfect gentleman thus far."

"When am I anything but?" Monty replied with a touch of humor.

Jocelyn rolled her eyes. "Considering your request Harry, I was just happy Monty had pants on."

They were about to heads towards the house, when the host of the evening appeared. "Welcome, welcome friends and guests," Durran smiled. "I am Durran Haymer and I do appreciate you coming. Oh goodness, two Companions. I will admit to not expecting such beauty and grace to respond to… Harry's invitation."

"Hi Durran," Harry greeted. "This is Inara, current resident of the fine vessel I've been calling my home lately and Madame Jocelyn of House Rosmerta."

Durran bowed formally to Jocelyn and kissed the back of her hand as custom dictated. "It is an honor, Madame."

"You have a beautiful home, Mr. Haymer," Jocelyn greeted. "Perhaps we may get a tour?"

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Durran agreed with a smile. He turned towards the slight frowns on the two Captains' faces. "I don't believe we've had the opportunity to be formally introduced. As you know I am Durran." He extended a hand towards Mal.

Mal was more than a little worried about what this night might entail, but he wasn't going to go out of his way to be rude. "Captain Malcolm Reynolds, call me Mal, please."

"It's nice to meet you on more friendly terms," Durran replied, trying to alleviate some of Mal's worries and fears. "And you must be Monty?"

"That's what they call me," Monty agreed shaking the man's hand.

Durran rushed his way through the rest of the introductions and began to lead them on a tour of the grounds. "You'll have to excuse my wife," Durran exclaimed. "She wanted to clean herself up a bit. I should warn you, she does not know the identity of our guests tonight, so I hope you can all be respectful when she discovers my ulterior motive for this evening."

"And just what is your motive for this evening?" Mal asked paying little attention to the gardens Durran was pointing out.

Durran paused in his walking and admitted, "Mel has been seeing a number of psychiatrists and on occasion genuinely acts as if she has only ever been an honest wife. I believe she is attempting to falsely give the impression that she suffers from multiple personality disorder. I know of the wrongs she has done to both of you gentlemen, and if your presence will help her open up and be more honest, I think it would do her and perhaps others a lot of good."

"Gentlemen," Monty repeated with a nudge of Mal. "That's us."

Durran added, "At some point, I would like her to apologize to you both as well, but I think hoping for that this evening would be too much."

Trying to avoid the elephant in the room, Durran continued the tour droning on about the grounds and recovered statues from the Earth-That-Was.

"Honey? Are you out here?" Mel's voice carried happily from down the path. She came out in a summer dress with flowers on it. "Sweetie? Are these our…" Mel's mouth dropped and just looked at Zoe, Jayne, Kaylee, Simon, and River smiling brightly. Jayne was waggling his eyebrows and not exactly maintaining eye contact.

Inara was looking angry and territorial with a wicked smile.

Mal's eyes were twinkling in amusement. "Yes Saffron?"

"Or is it Bridget?" Monty pondered lovingly stroking his beard.

Mel's fright turned into outright disgust at the sight of Harry who was just waving franticly with a smile. She completely missed sight of the woman behind Harry until she moved into view and sighed loudly.

Madame Jocelyn seemed almost sad to be saying, "Hello Melinda."

Mel's eyes widened and couldn't stop from squeaking, "Aunt Jo?"

"Excuse me?" Durran asked in shock.

"It's been a while," Madame Jocelyn admitted with an emotionless face.

"Huh," Mal said looking and seeing Monty was as surprised as he was.

Inara's eyes flashed and she insisted, "I knew she had to have had training."

"Actually," Jocelyn corrected. "I haven't seen Melinda since she was thirteen."

"I wasn't aware you had any surviving family," Durran admitted looking at his wife in surprise.

Mel was just deeply breathing refusing to look anywhere other than Madame Jocelyn.

Jocelyn turned away to smile at Inara. "You were partially correct though, in that both my sister Melinda's mother, and myself had been teaching Melinda obedience, patience, and deception. She just disappeared on us before she would have joined the Academy."

"Really?" Durran said turning to his wife with a smile.

Mel was staying silent, hating being caged to this island.

"Did you not try to track your niece down?" Durran asked Madame Jocelyn.

Madame Jocelyn shook her head. "Considering she shot her father, they chose to neither chase after her nor turn her in. After all, they had to think about the wellbeing of their other two daughters."

"Sisters, eh?" Jayne asked with a smile. "Perhaps with fewer psychotic tendencies?"

"Shot her own dad," Mal repeated and turned to Durran. "Might want the psychiatrists to spend a session or two on that one."

Durran felt his wrist vibrating and turned off his watch's silent alarm noticing the time. He suggested, "Why don't we adjourn to the dining room? Alejandro's prepared a veritable feast. I hope you all brought your appetites." Durran stated and turned to lead the group inside.

"And I hope you came armed," Monty whispered towards Mal as he walked next to him.

The group settled in and their first course was served. Durran once again broached the conversation he was most curious about, "Madame Jocelyn?"

She took her eyes off her niece to give Durran an inquiring smile.

"I was under the impression that Mel was an only child? Of Karl and Brenda Reeves?"

"Reeves?" Jocelyn repeated. "I've never heard that name before. Melinda Scarborough Danielson though has two younger sisters."

"Mel?" Durran turned to, hoping for an explanation. "Are you just going to pout silently all night and not be any sort of host?"

Mel seemed content to do just that as she silently stirred her soup with a spoon.

"I think our lucky lady here took advantage of an unfortunate similarly named girl's death," Harry helpfully added.

"Yeah, it's unfortunate she killed her," Jayne mumbled louder than intended.

Mel harrumphed in indignation.

"Is this true?" Durran asked his wife.

"Durran sweetie," Mel plastered a fake smile across her face. "I've never killed anyone."

"You shot your dad," Monty reminded.

"But I didn't kill him," Mel argued.

"She was young," Jayne shrugged. "I bet her aim is a lot better now."

"No," Jocelyn added watching Mel's reaction. "She didn't miss. And she doesn't have any more siblings for that reason."

Harry, Simon, Monty, and Mal all cringed and found themselves wincing quietly. Jayne on the other hand blurted out, "Wuh de tyen, ah! That gos se ain't right!" He had both hands clenched under the table.

"It was an accident," Mel said with an evil smile.

"Just like Melinda Reeves, right?" Monty added.

"And let's not forget Heinrich, the security programmer," Mal reminded earning a raised eyebrow from Durran.

"I'm impressed you remembered, Mal," Durran regarded. "That was over two and a half years ago."

"It's hard to forget the women that strip you naked and leave you in the desert to die," Mal grinned at the frustration and anger on Mel's face.

"At least I didn't lock you in a dumpster," Mel growled out.

Inara smiled happily. "Good times, good times."

"How's the salad dressing?" Mel asked innocently as Inara was taking a bite. "I made it myself."

Inara stopped immediately and slowly swallowed the bite in her mouth.

"Relax Inara," Jocelyn chided. "She didn't even know who her guests were when she made the dressing."

Mel frowned and snapped, "Maybe I was saving the antidote for the next course."

"That is enough," Durran interrupted. "You will not threaten the lives of our guests."

It pained Mel to say so, but she agreed, "I'm sorry, honey."

"And I would appreciate it," Durran turned to the others, "if you would cease continuously making up crimes to accuse my wife of."

"In fairness," Jayne offered. "She did already drug them once."

Durran turned back towards his wife in tired acceptance. "You drugged them?"

"No, not them," Mel defended. "Just Mal."

Inara seemed to pale and look towards the others in fear.

Mal glanced over at Mel and remarked, "I seem to remember Inara falling victim the same way I did."

"No I didn't," Mel insisted. "And I had to throw myself at you to even get the kiss. Are you sure you're not gay?"

Monty looked at Mal oddly. "You were married to her and still didn't take the honeymoon punishment you'd earned? That… that makes a man wonder, Mal."

"No, I'm not," Mal frustratedly assured Monty and turned to Inara. "Am I not remembering this correctly?"

Inara's face was burning as she hid behind her hands. "Harry," she whispered. "Stun me!"

"No!" Harry whispered back.

"I said stun me!"

"Inara?" Mal asked.

"Oh," Mel cackled in glee. "Oh this is too good."

"What am I missing?"

Harry snickered, "I'm not sure there are enough courses remaining to cover that one."

"Captain Reynolds," Jocelyn offered. "Let's move on to another topic of conversation, if you don't mind."

Inara looked over at Madame Jocelyn as her own personal savior.

Jocelyn winked deviously at her, before leaning over towards Mal. "I'll tell you everything later."

Inara groaned and dropped her face back into her hands.

"It appears the estimable Companion," Mel relished in revealing, "took advantage of an unconscious man. Well, almost a man though that it is suspect."

"She didn't trick you?" Mal asked Inara not quite comprehending what he'd missed.

"I said I would explain later," Madame Jocelyn ordered making it clear she wanted him to drop the subject.

"But… I mean…" Mal whined.

Jocelyn hurried over and whispered into Mal's ear.

Mal's eyes widened comically and stared at Inara. "You lying little floozy!"

"Alright! That's it!" Jocelyn snapped and grabbed hold of Mal's ear. She dragged him out the dining room viciously tugging his ear, ignoring his screams of pain and indignation.

"Well that was amusing," Zoe grinned and nudged Inara.

"It is fun to see Madame Jocelyn in action," Harry chirped in making Inara smile.

Zoe gave Inara a moment and added, "Not to mention finding out you stole a kiss when no one was looking." Zoe took a bite and smiled. "And got busted."

"Tzao gao," Inara groaned.

"Harry," River leaned over and whispered. "I think you should go."

"Err… what?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," River admitted. "But it's like I'm reading someone even though I know I'm not. And it's telling me you should go."

"Right now?"

River shrugged. "You'll know what I mean… I guess."

Harry looked at River skeptically, "Thanks, I suppose. Excuse me, Durran." Harry said getting up. "I need to use the little boys' room."

"You know where it is," Durran waved Harry on, finishing off the last of his dinner.

River just watched Harry go and leaned over towards Kaylee whispering, "I think I just gave Harry warning of a future event."

"Really?" Kaylee asked in excitement.

"Yeah," River answered. "But he thought I was sending him to the bathroom."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I can tell that's not what I meant."

"Hmm," Kaylee considered. "Could be a fun thing to toy with him about though."

River sat up considering all the mysterious visions she could manufacture. "Good point."

Madame Jocelyn came back into the dining area leading a very ashamed looking Mal. Jocelyn looked over at the Captain and waited.

Mal lifted his head up and looked at Inara. "Inara, I apologize. I was rude. And I was wrong. Durran, I'm sorry for making a scene interrupting our lovely dinner." Mal paused and turned towards Madame Jocelyn. "And Jojo, I'm sorry you're such a controlling bitch." Mal hurriedly sat back down, refusing to look at the senior Companion.

Madame Jocelyn was frowning harshly before her face twisted into a mischievous smile. "I can see why you like this one, Inara."

Inara groaned once more, wondering how she became the target of everyone's laughter and not the vindictive evil woman who'd taken advantage of nearly everyone else in the room.

Jocelyn saw the others were nearly finished with their meals and politely took a few more bites before pushing her plate away. "You may find this interesting," Jocelyn explained cracking a small smile Mel's way. "But Melinda had some friends growing up. None that she kept in touch with, as far as I know. Though Saffron was one of her best friends. I believe her tenth birthday party also included her friends Yolanda, Bridget, Evangeline, Skye, and Pansy."

"Evangeline, Skye, and Pansy," Durran repeated before turning to his wife. "Should I alert the feds?"

Mel pouted. "I never used Pansy." She paused and corrected, "Yet."

Harry returned from the restroom looking a little bewildered.

Mal took the opportunity of the brief silence and said, "I want to thank you for a lovely dinner, Durran. But we should probably be calling it an evening pretty soon here."

Durran nodded at Mal and agreed. "I understand Mal. Let me just borrow Harry for a brief moment of business before we say our goodbyes."

Mal nodded and turned to Inara. "Am I going to need to lock my bunk at night?"

Harry saw Inara drop her head again, this time banging it harder than she'd planned on the table. He winced as he got up and followed Durran into his den.

Durran closed the door behind him. "I must thank you Harry. I had no idea Mel had any family left. I am quite grateful for all that I've learned and all that has been accomplished this evening. Your book I put in my safe, but you can check that cart to see if there are any others that catch your eye."

Harry bent down and was examining all the decaying, dusty tomes. He glanced over the titles and saw nothing jumping out at him. He then closed his eyes and focused on the shelf in front of him. With an exhale, Harry announced, "Nope. Don't need any of these. But thanks Durran."

"No problem," Durran said presenting Harry with the copy of A Biography of Harry Potter. He looked down at it and back up at Harry. "Hey, this man's eyes look just like yours."

"Why Durran," Harry grinned and tried to deflect the conversation. "I had no idea you'd noticed." Harry blinked his eyes rapidly, giving the impression he was fluttering his eyelashes. When Durran rolled his eyes, Harry cracked open the book reverently and saw a single word that made his breath catch. He brushed his fingers over it, losing himself momentarily in a memory.

"Right," Durran said gaining Harry's attention. "Anyways, I thought you might like to know." Durran paused and leaned forward to whisper. "If all goes well, I may be coming into a lot more artifacts from Earth-That-Was soon."

"Really?" Harry asked intrigued. "How's that?"

Durran grinned proudly. "I've already arranged and setup licensing rights to the first primary excavation project."

"Excavation," Harry asked. "Excavating where?"

"Why on Earth-That-Was, of course," Durran smiled victoriously.

Harry's eyes widened and he snapped his head towards Durran. "Explain."

"This is all secret. You didn't hear it from me," Durran began.

"Yes, yes. Go on," Harry urged.

"You know that hyperdrive system I've been assisting on?" Durran reminded. "Well, it works. We've done some limited testing in small controlled areas. In just over a week, they're going to take their maiden voyage and first long range test of the engine."

"Yeah," Harry asked eagerly, highly intrigued about the sound of this.

"They're flying to Earth-That-Was and back again," Durran explained. "Not only is this the first real field test, but it's also the first manned mission back to the original planet."

"Is that so?" Harry asked innocently, all the while plans were formulating in his head.

"We've always had long range sensors and stayed aware of the current conditions on the planet. They are way beyond uninhabitable. And before the hyperdrive, a round trip to the planet is still roughly a forty year mission. For a planet that's a scorching, lifeless wasteland of high pressure, it's never really been seriously considered. With the hyperdrive now it's six weeks."

"Six weeks? To get to Earth-That-Was?" Harry asked impressed. "That's all?"

Durran shook his head and smiled. "It's three weeks Harry. Six for the round trip. If it all goes well, within a year who knows what my teams may have discovered."

"That is… fantastic news, Durran," Harry admitted with a smile and a scheming twinkle in his eye. "Fantastic news indeed."