Disclaimer: I own nothing; Harry Potter and the elements of his universe all belong to J.K.Rowling. Firefly/Serenity and the elements of its universe all belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE – Annoyances and Pet Peeves

"Alright, Mr. F.U.," Harry admitted sitting up from his bunk.

"Are you really going to continue calling me that?" the speaker nearest to Harry tiredly asked.

"Would you prefer Frank?" Harry asked curiously. "Because there are two distinctly different versions of you and you can't both be Mr. Universe."

"Does this mean you'll actually call my digital intelligence Mr. Universe?"

Harry grinned, "Sure thing, Mr. F.U."

"And then you'll call me Mr. F.U.?" the newly christened ship inquired.

"Yup," Harry agreed. "Though you know the F is for Frank not Firenze."

"Yes, I know," Frank the ship replied. He smarmily added, "And I think I can live with that."

"Live," Harry chuckled. "Funny guy. So why do you think there's something freaky? Any idea where to look?"

"Check the engine room," Frank instructed. "And it's weird. I'm not going to pretend to know everything about being a spaceship, but it makes me think of… indigestion."

Harry had his proper eleven-inch Holly with a Fawkes tail feather wand in hand and stopped walking to clarify, "You've got gas, Frank. That's perfectly normal."

"Oh ha-ha-hah. Just look!" the ship ordered in frustration. "I'm not going to engage the hyperdrive until you're sure it's safe."

Harry nodded silently, assuming he was in view of a camera and stuck his head into the engine room. The standard engine was humming loudly, as they flew further and further from Earth-That-Was before they'd have a clear line of empty space for stabilizing the new technology of the hyperdrive. Harry was looking around, wondering if some mutant house-elf heliopath might have snuck on board. Or worse, a baby phoenix got sucked into a fan somewhere. "Hello?" Harry asked loudly in the empty room. "Anyone there?"

Harry pretended to be sneaking up towards the engine and whipped his head down looking under lip the helmets were secured on. "If you were there, would you tell me?" Harry asked, having doubts there was anything around here. The hyperdrive engine was the closest thing to a sense of magic he could feel. "Dark Lord of Indigestion, I summon thee! Show yourself and be judged!"

"Oh shut it," Frank grumbled.

Harry shook his head. "Sorry, Frank, but I don't think there's anything here."

"Fine, whatever," Frank sighed as the hyperdrive engine began to spin. "I'm the crazy one."

Harry hurried out of the room before the experimental engine was given the opportunity to explode in his face. The ship began to tremble as the hyperdrive was warming up. "Don't wait until I get secured in place or anything," Harry complained as he struggled to keep his balance.

Harry made his way back towards the bunk where Fawkes was resting comfortably paying little attention to the deep rumbling and shudders running throughout the ship.

"Oooh," Frank cooed over the vibrations of the ship. "That feels good."

Harry was bracing himself in the small inset bed.

"Heads up, Harry!" Frank called quickly.

Harry heard a shrieking and reached out just in time to grab the young bouncing goblin as he was about to fly past.

"Whoa!" Digdug called, grabbing onto Harry's arm as Harry swung him into the bed.

"Careful there," Harry replied over the loud violent shaking.

"Thanks Harry," Digdug grinned, hanging on tightly to his master.

Simon's nauseous moan turned into a yelp of fear.

"Harry?" Frank called out again.

"Got him," Harry replied grabbing a hold of Simon's ankle as he somersaulted by. Harry held the doctor and goblin in place as the shuddering of the ship reached a crescendo. Just as suddenly as the first time, everything smoothed out and the ride steadied and settled into near silence.

"My apologies, folks," Frank's voice echoed from all speakers. "But we've stabilized and should be sailing smoothly from here on out."

"Maybe next time, you want to wait until we get secured in place?" Harry suggested to the cheeky ship. "Or at least I can put some pillows down."

Kaylee came hurrying towards them. "Simon! Digdug! Are you guys alright?"

"Oww," Simon groaned rubbing his head.

"Oh Digdug!" Kaylee apologized. "I'm so sorry! I thought I would be able to hold onto you. This is all my fault."

Digdug became uncomfortable seeing the human female looking at him with an emotion he'd never seen before.

"Don't worry," Simon grumbled noticing how little attention his girlfriend was paying to him. "I'm fine." He was pressing the knot on the back of his head that was beginning to swell.

Harry pointed his wand at the back of Simon's head and sent a silent healing charm, immediately easing the soreness and reducing the swelling.

"Thanks," Simon replied as his head was feeling noticeably better. He then remembered his tumble and added, "And thanks."

"No problem Doc," Harry grinned.

"You're not hurt are you?" Kaylee asked checking Digdug out, looking for bruises that wouldn't show up on his dark skin anyway.

Digdug was getting more and more nervous. "Master," he whispered. "Help!"

Harry chuckled. "Relax Kaylee, he's fine."

"Are you sure?" Kaylee worriedly asked.

Digdug just nodded inching further away from the young woman.

Harry put a hand on Kaylee's shoulder holding her back from rushing forward and hugging the frightened creature. "Goblins are made of tougher stuff than us humans. Unlike the unintentional gymnastics your boyfriend was doing."

"Oh he'll be fine," Kaylee smiled. "Won't you, hon?"

Simon grumbled affirmatively.

"See?" Kaylee grinned. "I'm just glad no one was hurt."

Simon was still mumbling indignantly believing someone had been hurt.

"Harry!" Frank called out frantically. "The freakiness is back!"

"Oh brother," Harry grumbled. "Hey Doc, you mind going back to the engine room and humoring this bucket of bolts we're riding?"

"Fine," Simon agreed. "Not like anyone will miss me around here."

Kaylee gave her retreating boyfriend's back an odd look, before triple-checking that Digdug was alright.

Simon wasn't sure why he was feeling jealous of the odd, unfriendly magical creature. He opened the door to the engine room and looked around. The hyperdrive engine was all lit up, with light shining through the seals on its protective casing. He looked around the room, saw nothing out of the ordinary, and turned back towards the door just in time to get smacked in the face.

"Lao tyen yeh!" Simon yelled as he took off from the engine room. Harry came running as soon as Simon yelled and hurried into the room just as Simon ran from it. Harry was whipping his head around looking for signs of anything, seeing nothing at all. He saw the hyperdrive was glowing normally and didn't sense anything new in there.

Harry walked back to the beds where Simon was just standing there freaked out.

"I've been slimed!" Simon screamed in horror. "What the hell was that?"

"I couldn't find anything," Harry admitted while inspecting the thin globs of goop on Simon's face. "What did you see?"

"It was a ghost!" Simon gasped. "An ugly one with an orange tie! It slapped me!"

"Ghosts are colorless and incorporeal," Harry explained. "It couldn't have been a gho…" Harry closed his eyes as realization dawned on him. "Oh no."

Harry saw Fawkes was looking amused as he turned to go back to the engine room. "Don't worry," Harry called over his shoulder as he left Kaylee and Simon. "Well… not too much anyways."

Harry opened the door to the small empty room and saw the glowing, happily purring hyperdrive engine. It pained him to say it, but he ordered loudly, "PEEVES!"

An ugly little head with haunted, dark eyes stuck itself out from inside the hyperdrive casing. It looked at Harry fearfully and spoke in an extremely warbled voice. "Reez?"

Of all the things that could survive on Earth-That-Was and would tagalong uninvited on the experimental ship, this was one of the least welcome for Harry. "Oh Peeves."

"Reez?" the poltergeist asked in his odd high-pitched voice as he floated up from the hyperdrive, revealing his usually outlandish outfit was torn and frayed at the edges. Peeves was looking at Harry in confusion.

"Reez?" Harry repeated looking at the poltergeist who had clearly seen better days. "What's reez?"

"Reez?" Peeves repeated sadly.

Harry sighed and looked at the somewhat pathetic magical entity. "You forgot how to speak, didn't you?"

"Rargle ruggle?" Peeves replied curiously.

"Great," Harry said. "This is just great."

"Roo?" Peeves mumbled.

Harry smiled sadly at Peeves. He pointed towards himself, "Do you remember me? Potter?"

"Roddy?" Peeves asked.

"Yes, Roddy," Harry agreed. "Potty, potty, Potter, you rotter. That's me."

"Roddy!" Peeves said happily. "Reez!"

Harry chuckled, knowing things had been going abnormally well for too long. "Do you understand me?"

"Roddy?" Peeves answered.

Harry shook his head. "What are you doing here, Peeves?" he asked, not expecting any answer.

"Reez miss huggy!" Peeves said frowning. He floated down and rested his cheek on the hyperdrive casing wrapping his arms around it. "Huggy!"

"Huggy," Harry repeated. "Perfect. Peeves, can I trust you not too do anything that's going to make me want to exorcise you from the ship?"

"Reez miss huggy!" Peeves repeated.

"Be good, Peeves," Harry said shaking his finger at the clearly insane poltergeist. "I'll be back."

"Reez!" Peeves cheered and added sadly, "Roddy."

"Right," Harry agreed leaving the poltergeist alone with his 'huggy.'

"I told you it was freaky," Frank answered as Harry slowly walked out of the engine room. "I told you."

Harry walked past the empty beds and saw the others were all crammed up near the front of the ship. Kaylee was still wiping off Simon's face and hair.

"What was that thing?" Simon asked as soon as he saw Harry.

"And did you kill it?" Jayne asked with a grin.

"That was Peeves," Harry explained. "He's a poltergeist."

"He's in Hogwarts, A History," Antonio recalled.

"Actually, he's in the engine room," Frank explained.

"Another tagalong?" Mal asked with a frown. "This one going to endanger us?"

Harry shook his head. "Peeves isn't malicious, he's just annoying. And right now, he's not even himself."

"Any more stowaways we should be worrying about?" Mal retorted clearly not very pleased with the situation.

"Nope," Harry sighed. "Pretty sure the planet killed just about everything else."

"Except this Peeves," Mal pointed out.

Harry shrugged. "A poltergeist isn't really alive. They're most like ghosts, except ghosts were once wizards who died and whose souls didn't move on. Poltergeists didn't used to be anyone. They can turn invisible, they're not really corporeal, but unlike ghosts they can touch and move things at will." Harry tried and failed to keep the smile off his face as he added, "Or slap you if they feel so inclined."

"You can keep this thing on a leash?" Mal asked. "He ain't gonna be tearing up our ride home, right?"

"He'll be fine," Harry admitted. "He seems quite taken with the hyperdrive engine. He was hugging it last I saw."

"You can get rid of him, though, can't you?" Frank asked, not terribly fond of the idea of the inhabitant.

"Well," Harry winced. "Yeah, I can if I have to, but that's only if it's absolutely needed. You're all welcome to go say hi to Peeves, but he wasn't exactly friendly or Mensa material before. And he's been alone so long he's forgotten how to speak."

"I want to see it!" Jayne called out jumping from his seat.

"And I want some sleep," Harry grumbled moving to the side letting Jayne past. "You guys okay with this?"

"Does it matter?" Mal said with a sigh.

Harry had a feeling Mal and him were going to need to have a long talk at some point soon or the next three weeks were going to be really long ones. Harry turned to go back to a bunk. "G'night."

Inara waited until she figured Harry was back to his bunk before she turned to Mal. She was clearly not approving of his attitude, but merely added, "You know a little sleep might do us all a lot of good."

"Hello?" Jayne asked. "Mr. Peeves?"

"Reez?" Peeves said jerking his head out the side of the hyperdrive engine casing.

"Tzao gao!" Jayne gasped. "You're an ugly one, ain'tcha?"

"Reez!" Peeves nodded happily.

Jayne looked over his shoulder and leaned into the engine room. He was a bit apprehensive of the freakish little ghost thing. He whispered, "I just wanted to say, nice work on slapping Simon. It's sumpin we all wanna do every once in a while."

Peeves just cackled and shook his head floating all the way out and up closer to Jayne.

"Whoa now!" Jayne yelped backing up.

"Roh row!" Peeves tried to repeat happily. "Reez!"

"You ain't so bad, are you?" Jayne relaxed and reached out towards the poltergeist.

Peeves saw Jayne reaching for him and just as he was about to be touched he turned himself invisible and flew right back into the safety of the hyperdrive.

Jayne felt the slightest bit of cold on his fingertips just as he was touching the poltergeist. When it disappeared suddenly, Jayne's eyes widened. "Oops," Jayne said aloud to the empty room. "We'll just not mention this to anyone. Mmm-kay, Frank?"

Frank said nothing but had been watching the interaction. Just as Jayne began to whistle innocently and turn to the leave the engine room, the speaker nearest to Jayne harshly whispered, "Killer!"

Jayne thought it was time to get an alibi at the front of the ship. He passed Harry and saw he was sleeping already. When he got up to the front, he looked at the others and saw River watching the controls with a bored expression. "Hey River," Jayne greeted. "If you wanted to go check out that poltergeist thing, I don't mind taking my shift driving."

"You saw him?" she asked curiously wondering what Jayne was up to.

Jayne nodded. "Yup, funny looking fellow. I think he stole one of your brother's ties."

"Okay," Simon interrupted. "Now that's just uncalled for." He was leaning against the wall, paying little attention to Kaylee as she was describing various fruits to Digdug.

"Frank's flying the ship. You don't have to actually do anything," River stated as she stood up. "But I would like to meet Peeves."

"Cool," Jayne agreed readily. "Dibs on your chair."

River narrowed her eyes at Jayne and wormed her way past him as he jumped right into the pilot's chair. She slowly walked back towards the engine room, noticing Harry had rolled over and was facing the wall. She stuck her head in the engine room and looked around. She walked through the small room and felt the cool casing of the hyperdrive engine. After a few uneventful minutes she turned around and left.

As she walked past Harry she was quietly mumbling, "What was Jayne so nervous about?"

"He thinks he killed Peeves," Harry answered in a normal tone of voice without even turning around. Had he not spoken, River would have assumed he was asleep.

"But then why-"

"He's going to try and blame it on you now," Harry added as he exhaled and continued to halfway nap.

"Really?" River mused out loud. "We'll just have to do something about that."

She went back towards the engine room. "Oh Peeves?" She asked quietly. "Peeves?" She repeated when she got no answer. "Would you like to help me play a joke?"

"Reez?"

Zoe and Inara were trying to have a quiet word with Mal. Surprisingly backing Mal up, was Antonio.

"All I'm saying," Mal harshly argued, "is that we're smack in the middle of someone else's headache here. I sympathize with Harry, I really do. But none of us know the first thing about his world. We're probably slowing him down more than we're helping him."

"And so your solution is to just leave him hanging without any help at all?" Inara retorted. "Cut our ties and wish him the best?"

Antonio shook his head. "I found meeting the goblins fascinating. The idea that they were capable of surviving on the planet for centuries when nothing else could indicates just how resourceful and clever they are. But what help can any of us be? He has to spend as much time explaining things as he does trying to accomplish anything. And still we have trouble believing or comprehending the world of magic."

"Exactly," Mal agreed. "I got a boat I ain't ever been away from for this long. We got jobs to do, a business to run. When Harry needs us, when there are circumstances where we can actually help, if he asks, we'll be there as soon as we can. But searching out a new home for a race he suddenly owns? Vassals he's responsible for? Trying to find other wizards like him? That's a full-time job on its own. Our work ain't exactly going to take us to the places he needs to go."

"So because you think he's more trouble than he's worth," Zoe clarified. "You're ready to just send him packing?"

"What good is flying my boat gonna do him?" Mal argued. "He's made miracles happen for River. And that's exactly why maybe it's time he did start searching on his own. No offense Antonio, but picking up Alliance employees don't exactly gel with our usual enterprises or clientele."

"He's got the resources," Antonio nodded. "If anything we're probably holding him back."

"And what?" Zoe argued. "We should just start doing hops between Jiangyin and Persephone? See if Badger's got a line on some dolls?"

"Look," Mal argued. "Wanting things to be a little quieter and a little more normal shouldn't make me the bad guy here. I mean spontaneously combusting birds? A race of tiny goblin people? A poltergeist? And who knows what might turn up next. So far we've only run into things that haven't been out to kill us, but you know it's just a matter of time before some giant snake or Dark Lord starts hunting Harry next."

"Yes," Inara hissed. "And if those things ever showed up, then being near Harry is going to be the safest place in the verse."

"No," Antonio argued. "Being on the other side of the verse from Harry is probably the safest place."

"Oh what would you know," Inara snapped. "You're practically an Alliance desk jockey yourself."

Antonio shrugged and nodded. "True. And while I suspect my opinions on my job and superiors have changed drastically in the last month, I still did choose this life. Action, adventure, and wild goose chases are not my typical Saturday night."

"You know I'd be backing Harry up if he needed me," Mal argued. "But the fact is that he don't. He can magically pop outside of a crashing ship and catch the rutting thing, setting it on the ground. What good are all of us other than as potential liabilities?"

"I know I'm his friend," Zoe said emphatically. "And in case you're blind, that's what he needs most. We all know he had been holding out hope that the planet was okay. That he'd find wizards there or at least answers. Instead he had to sort through the rubble and figure out what he could before we all had to leave suddenly."

Mal sighed. "Look, I ain't saying we're ditching him, we're not kicking him out, and I'd call him a friend too. I just think we could all use a dose of normalcy for a while, and if that's not on Harry's agenda, we should at least be open to the possibility that parting ways will be in everyone's best interests."

"If you're expecting us to pick sides," Inara pointed out. "Then maybe you should take a look at just which of our friends need our help the most. The one looking for answers and a lost civilization or the one looking for normalcy away from his other so-called friends."

Mal sighed and grunted. "Yeah… I know."

They all looked up as River was walking like a zombie up towards the bridge dragging her left leg. Her arms were out in front of her and her eyes were open, fluttering back and forth. She tilted her head to the side as she spoke in a deep raspy voice. "I… am… the… spirit… of… Peeves."

"Oh boy," Jayne gulped looking at the others.

River took another step towards Jayne. "You… killed… me."

"No!" Jayne gasped. "It wasn't me! I swear! I didn't do-"

"You… you… muh… muss… must…" River was really playing up the zombie struggling to talk angle.

"What?" Jayne asked in fear. "What is it? I must wha-"

Peeves suddenly burst forward out from River's stomach, making himself visible and letting out several warbled cries of "Rargle rugga raggie rargle!"

Jayne, as River had planned, yelped in fear and jumped back just as all the others began screaming too. Peeves flew right up to Jayne and pushed him backwards out of the chair.

Jayne began to crawl on the floor as fast as he could, leaving the front of the ship, screaming the whole way.

The others were clutching their hearts while River gave Peeves a high-five. "Thanks for helping me get my chair back."

"Reez!" Peeves called out. "Rizza!" He let out a few more warbled yells and flew off chasing the still crawling scared Jayne.

River saw everyone staring at her fearfully and maintained her tiny smile. "Oh that was Peeves. Sorry I didn't properly introduce you, but he's not big on formalities."

Jayne's further shrieking indicated Peeves had caught up with him again. Peeves was warbling loud unintelligible sounds while Jayne was warbling right back at him.

"I bet that woke up Harry," Kaylee pointed out with a wince.

River shook her head. "He put up a silencing charm when I zombie walked past him. Though I'm not sure if he's even been asleep yet."

A wide-eyed Jayne stuck his head back up to the front of the tiny ship. "That was mean," he said to River between panting breaths. "But Peeves is awesome!"

Harry closed the door to the engine room behind him and announced, "Peeves?"

The poltergeist in question stuck his head up curiously.

"You seem to have forgotten how to communicate having been away from people for so long," Harry explained while Peeves narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. "I thought you might like to eavesdrop on a conversation just so that you can hear more words and pronunciations again."

Peeves was looking at Harry dubiously.

Harry shrugged, "Or you can ignore me and go back to your huggy, I don't care."

Peeves was eyeing Harry carefully and just slowly floated back inside the hyperdrive.

Harry had a feeling the sad little menace was going to eavesdrop. Peeves just didn't want to act like he needed help. Harry reached into his sleeve and withdrew the portrait he'd retrieved from his vault. He sat it down against the wall and enlarged it.

When Luna had celebrated her eightieth birthday, the happily married couple commissioned their own personal wizarding portraits. Upon their typical compromise of Harry not caring significantly and Luna wishing for something out of the ordinary, they chose an unusual method of portraiture. Considering who they both were and the unknown circumstances of their future deaths, the pictures were made to reflect an attitude of the subjects' choosing that the artist then magically captured without control over the age. They simply picked an emotion of sorts and the magic would define how they appeared. Luna chose to go with feelings of shock and awe.

As such there were two portraits, one featuring a fifteen year old Luna Lovegood in all her odd glory. It was not lost on Harry that Luna was the same age she had been when they first became friends, something Luna had never really made an effort to have before that age. And to Harry's unfortunate luck, his portrait featured a horribly underfed, tiny as could be eleven year old boy who looked a lot closer to eight or nine. Luna thought it was adorable.

Shortly after she'd passed, the portrait's first trigger released and the fifteen year old Luna became aware she was a wizarding portrait and as alive as portraits get. She was linked to only one other picture that she could travel to and from. It had been in their home when Harry went to sleep. The two portraits were similar in that they both depicted a couch, a back wall, and a window showing a sunny day. Harry put the one with the green couch into his vault, while the one with the purple couch was left hanging in the den at their private home. Harry was quite sure the mid-sized house had been destroyed. A Fidelius charm was the only significant protection they ever bothered with and that would have done nothing to guard the home from the elements.

This was why Harry was both surprised and distressed to enlarge the portrait he'd been hanging onto, only to discover that Luna was playing dress-up with her eleven year old unmoving Harry doll on the green couch.

"Luna!" Harry gasped as she was making his pale baby face look like a clown with all the lipstick on his cheeks.

"Oh hi honey," Luna smiled up at Harry from the portrait. "Did you want me to put you away?"

Harry thought the unanimated aspects of portraits were a bit creepy, particularly the fact that his eyes were wide open. "What am I doing here? I thought I would have burned up in the other painting."

"You would have but I saved you," Luna explained and then frowned. "Or maybe I was just playing with you at the right time."

Harry sighed. "Where was I before? You certainly didn't have me out earlier."

"Oh," Luna nodded. "That was for Ripruck. It made him uncomfortable, so I just keep you behind the couch most of the time. Daddy always taught me to put away my toys. Even husbands."

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "Merlin, I've missed you."

"I can imagine," Luna answered. "But it hasn't been that long for you, has it?"

Harry leaned back against the hyperdrive casing taking up the center of the engine room. "For me, it's just been twelve years since…"

"Twelve years?" Luna repeated tapping her chin. "Are you seeing anyone?"

Harry sighed and shook his head. "We were married for 115 years. I think I'm allowed to not move on if I don't want to."

Luna whistled loudly. "That's a long time. So what made you finally kill me?"

Harry rolled his eyes, having had this discussion before. "I didn't kill you. You'd been sick for a while and died comfortably in your sleep."

"Well that's good," Luna grinned. "Although it looks like it's upsetting you. Is there something happier you'd like to talk about? Perhaps you're curious how the humdingers have survived?"

Harry closed his eyes and tried to picture his wife rather than look at the painting. "How did the humdingers survive?"

"Humdingers have litters of hundreds every time they breed. Two or three of the young usually survive and the rest become the food they all live off of until it's time for another litter," Luna explained. "It's like that cow who secretly ran the farm and slaughterhouse. Good businessman, great farmer, but horrible cow."

"You remembered that, did you?" Harry asked with a smile, keeping his eyes closed preferring just the sound of her voice.

"Of course I did," Luna retorted. "The darkest moments in cow history are hard images to shake." Luna let out an involuntarily shudder at how ruthless humdingers and the occasional mad cow could be.

"So what were you doing hanging on the wall of the goblin conference room?" Harry asked as he clasped his hands together and rested them on his lap.

"Giving them an opinion on things," Luna said. "They started asking me lots of questions, but I'm not sure they appreciated my help. It sort of had slowed down to only the big issues."

Harry cracked open an eye and looked at her. "They used you? For advice and opinions?"

"Loony, I know," she said with a roll of her eyes. "But I am the most recent Potter and the closest thing to a proxy opinion for all the remaining living Potter interests."

"Does that mean you suggested the highest ranking goblin should wear your first year robes?" Harry asked accusingly.

Luna was putting her Harry doll away and she plopped down on the green couch lying back against the armrest. "That sounds like something I'd do."

"Yes, it does," Harry admitted with a smile.

"Harry," Luna asked mimicking Harry's movements. She tilted her head towards him and cracked one eye open. "Why did you go away for so long?"

Harry opened his eyes all the way to look at the portrait. "We've discussed this before. You won't remember."

Luna turned her head all the way to look right at him. "I'm not asking for my benefit."

Once more it hit Harry, exactly why he was so frustrated by wizarding portraits. Their existence and limitations would never approach replacing the mere warmth of any substitute real person. But sometimes they were so much more insightful than people blinded by their own emotions. And when you least expect it, it will suddenly feel like Luna is right there all over again. He exhaled loudly and thought about her question. He knew she was right, but he still considered the idea before accepting that he did in fact want to talk about this. Harry stuck his tongue out at the portrait and blew a raspberry. He closed his eyes once more. "I did it for you and for me."

"I was dead," Luna stated. "Maybe it was for your peace of mind about me, but I'm still dead."

Harry grumbled good-naturedly, "Fine, I did it for me."

"Good for you," Luna grinned. "But why?"

"Truthfully?"

Luna nodded. "I'll let you know when I want you to lie."

Harry snickered at the portrait's completely honest response. "I was bored. I missed you plenty, but when you'd been around I was never bored."

"Go on," Luna urged Harry to continue.

"For a little while, I pretended to be other people to avoid crowds," Harry admitted. "Even entered a dueling tournament under an assumed name."

"Did you win?"

Harry shook his head. "I forfeited after my second match. I probably would've won, but the power disparity felt like cheating. And if I kept going, I probably would've been outed or at least attracted more attention than I wanted."

Luna nodded understandingly.

"I traveled some, took a few people with me," Harry admitted. "But it all felt… different. I talked with Simon a fair amount."

"Simon?"

Harry nodded. "Liz's oldest. Do you remember Liz?"

Luna scrunched up her face in thought, "Vaguely."

"She was our goddaughter," Harry reminded. "You always said she was like Ginny, even though none of the other Weasleys could see it. Simon was the last real friend I talked to regularly. He helped me a lot when you died. He understood why I felt so useless though he kept arguing that it was my fault."

"You and your purpose," Luna said shaking her head.

"Yeah," Harry sighed. "Me and my purpose. When I was with you, or even Ron and Hermione, it didn't matter. But otherwise, I felt like I was most useful and doing the most good whenever darker elements would corrupt people and there was a need for people to do stand up to them."

"And so going away for a while was going to make you feel less useless?" Luna inquired.

Harry shook his head. "Naw, I didn't feel anything while I was asleep. I was in a stasis. But I figured I could do some good the next time a Dark Lord rose to power, or there was a clear evil to combat. The last couple decades were just tiresome shades of grey and annoying political maneuvering. I disagreed with a lot of things, but my opinion wasn't any more right or wrong than anyone else's. A Voldemort though, now that's a clear and simple evil. Genocide, murder, attacking innocents, that's one thing. But two conflicting opinions where they're all just as wrong as they are right? Unraveling that'd make anyone feel useless."

Luna shrugged. "If you say so."

"Anyways," Harry continued. "The idea was to just kinda take a time-out. So that when I could be useful they'd awaken me, and I could do some good."

Luna looked up towards the window in her painting. "Are you sure you weren't just hoping to die doing something useful? I mean there were no Dark Lords around to sacrifice yourself with a mutual takedown. And maybe you just weren't patient enough to wait for the next?"

Harry furrowed his brow unsure why he wasn't immediately denying that possibility.

"Never mind," Luna said with a small smile. "But your plan didn't quite work the way you'd hoped, right?"

Harry began wondering if maybe his subconscious did have a death wish, or perhaps used to have one before, back when he first went to sleep. He shook his head realizing Luna had asked another question. "I'm sorry. What?"

"I was saying that's not how it happened though, is it?"

Harry sighed. "I still don't even know what happened," he admitted sadly. "I was prepared to wake up in dark and difficult times. A time where I could analyze the situation and get a pretty clear idea who the good guys were and help them. But this? This is nothing like I expected, and in so many ways, it's so much worse."

"Describe it to me," Luna gently ordered.

"I expected to be gone for a few decades, you know?" Harry explained. "I mean, these Dark Lord risings are practically cyclical. There will always be those craving power more than their humanity, and there will always be leaders among those. But instead I wake up almost four centuries later. I find out the planet I knew has been abandoned, and I'm on the complete other side of the universe with none of my stuff. And now, two years later, I still haven't found a single magical person. It took me a couple months to locate a wand even. Not any specific one, just an actual magic wand. I went to sleep because I felt lucky that I'd been blessed with more power than the average wizard. And now I wake up and it's all meaningless. I could have ten times the reserves I do or be a squib and I wouldn't be any closer to figuring out what happened."

"Do you think the witches and wizards went somewhere you've not found?"

Harry sighed. "I hope they did. But my doubts are beginning to overtake my hopes lately. You remember Antonio?"

Luna nodded.

"He's Antonio Weatherby," Harry snickered. "And he's the hereditary leader of the Weasley family. Scientifically, he's a wizard. But magically, nothing. Less than a squib."

"How do you know he's the Head of the family?" Luna said with a frown.

Harry shrugged. "It was my spell. I transfigured myself into a hereditary ring and bound it to the Weasley bloodline. Put my consciousness into a stasis. He wouldn't have had the ring to wake me, if he weren't the most direct descendent of the Weasley line."

"Maybe someone altered the ring," Luna argued. "Would you even know?"

Harry sighed and shook his head. "I'm not brazen enough to say it's impossible, but it'd take a pretty impressive bit of magic to do it without me noticing. And that's just it, if there were some evil conspiracy, you'd think by now, two years later, they might have made an effort to kill me? Or silence me? I mean why bother waking me up and leave me to own my devices, when they know I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to figure this out."

"True," Luna nodded. "They'd probably lie to you or leave you breadcrumbs towards a known dead-end. Unless they needed something from you that required you wandering around looking for clues for a few years. You shouldn't discount the possibility."

"I'd never rule it completely out," Harry assured her. He scratched his head. "But yeah, that's the main reason I don't think I'm being manipulated here. It's not as if the answers are being hidden from me. They're out there, probably right in front of me and I just don't want to see them. I'm too stubborn to give up on hope."

"Why do you have doubts overcoming your hope? Just because the Weasleys may have all become squibs you think everyone has?"

"Not just that," Harry replied. "The planet got toasted, and most of the wizards came over on spaceships. But this was a sixty year ride. Who knows what might have happened on that ride. I've located enough wizarding relics that I'm pretty sure some of the magical people had to have arrived. And after what the goblins said, I can't help but wonder if maybe leaving Earth meant we were leaving our magic behind."

"Hmm," Luna answered with a nod. "Maybe Peeves knows."

"What?" Harry asked looking up.

"Rut?" Peeves said from his hovering position on right above Harry.

Harry saw the poltergeist frown at being caught and smiled. "You okay, Peeves?"

"Rim rumble rubble rargle," Peeves grumbled.

Harry nodded. "You miss your huggy?"

"Rawt huggy! Reez miss hauggy!" the poltergeist snapped.

"Excuse me," Harry admitted, standing up. "Hauggy."

Peeves stuck his tongue out and managed to blow a raspberry that sent slimy spittle onto Harry's face. He flew up and away, disappearing into the hyperdrive casing again.

"Peeves wasn't exactly sane before," Harry said looking over at the glowing hyperdrive. "But I do wonder how much in his head is still working."

Luna quirked her lips and stated, "You do know he's saying that he misses Hogwarts, right? Not huggy."

Harry blinked. "Yes," he lied. "I knew that."

Luna smiled happily. "Of course you did."

"Hey," Harry said, reaching into his sleeve. "You want to do me a favor?"

"Sure," the teenage Luna agreed and quickly began to undress.

"Whoa!" Harry yelped. "That's not what I meant."

Luna stuck her head back through her jumper that hadn't been entirely removed. "What did you mean?"

Harry sat down a small wooden box and expanded the vanishing cabinet back up to its full size. "You want to work the door on our spiffy magical portal to Earth-That-Was?"

"I used to dream of being a bouncer when I grew up," Luna dreamily commented. She turned to Harry and nodded fiercely. "What do I have to do?"

Harry attached the portrait to the front of the door. "I don't suppose you know how to open a door from your frame?"

Luna shook her head. "Just go with what works. Set it to swing open automatically with a password trigger, and as long as I know the trigger word, I can open it at will."

Harry sighed. "I knew that too."

"Yes," Luna agreed. "You did."

"Any preference on the password?" Harry asked as he recalled the necessary spells. "

Luna was tapping her chin. "How about Umgubular Slashkilter? Or do you think that might come up too often in the normal course of conversation?"

Harry smiled, "I think we'll be pretty safe with that one. Are you going to be able to remember Umgubular Slashkilter?"

Luna frowned at Harry. "Of course."

"Perfect then," Harry agreed and cast the spell. "Give it a try."

"Umgubular Slashkilter," Luna said as the portrait and vanishing cabinet door swung open. "I think it works."

Harry had walked to the engine room door and summoned his ham cube pouch. He informed Luna, "To close, you just need to say the password backwards."

Without even a pause Luna quickly said, "The password backwards."

The door swung shut and Luna was smiling happily at Harry.

"You're too clever sometimes," Harry grinned at her. "But in case anyone's coming through, they'll probably be knocking on the other side. You can also call people and inform them if something came through the other side. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to tell."

"You gonna to try it out just now?" Luna asked.

Harry nodded. "I think I'll set up a portrait on the matching one for the goblins, and I wanted to ask Ripruck for some cloaks."

"Umgubular Slashkilter," Luna agreed and swung open for Harry. He walked right in and she shut the door behind him.

Harry sat there waiting to feeling some pulling, some tugging, some crazy magical feeling of traveling over an impossibly vast distance. Nothing happened at all though. He was just stuck there in darkness. Deciding something wasn't working he knocked on the door. "Luna! Let me outta here!"

It appeared she was going to be difficult. Harry began to bang on the door, shaking the cabinet. Harry was knocking harder and yelling as loud as he could, "Umgubular Slashkilter! Umgubular Slashkilter!"

Just as Harry was leaning against the door putting his weight into his banging, it swung open and Harry tumbled right down onto Ripruck.

A tangle of tiny goblin limbs and numerous apologies from Harry later, he suddenly realized he'd just discovered the greatest form of magical transportation ever.

"That was amazing," Harry admitted in shock. "I didn't think I'd gone anywhere. Moving from one cabinet to the next is so smooth you don't even notice."

"Anything I can do for you, Harry?" Ripruck asked curiously. "Is Digdug doing okay?"

"Oh… sorry," Harry admitted. "Yeah, Digdug's fine. He and Kaylee have been getting along surprisingly well. And I wanted to talk to you about a couple things."

"Certainly," Ripruck agreed. "How can I be of service?"

"First," Harry handed him the pouch. "I thought you all might be able to make better use of this."

"What is it?" Ripruck accepted the pouch and looked in. "Is that flesh?"

"Ham cubes," Harry answered. "A never-ending pouch of ham cubes."

"No goblin has eaten meat in centuries," Ripruck said. "It will be interesting to have the option again."

Harry shrugged. "Food is food. And ham goes with cheese pretty well."

"Thank you, Harry," Ripruck replied. "And what can I do for you?"

Talking to Ripruck always made Harry feel like the goblin was trying to get rid of him. Harry idly realized that was true of nearly every goblin he'd met. "Well I was thinking maybe I could put a portrait on the door to the vanishing cabinet, that way if someone knocks from the inside, the door can open and you don't have to waste time monitoring it or checking on it."

"Excellent idea," Ripruck agreed. "There are many portraits of your ancestors around, not to mention all of the Hogwarts paintings."

Harry nodded. "I was thinking perhaps Albus Dumbledore's Headmaster portrait might be up for the job."

"It may take a little time to locate him, but that should be no problem."

"The main reason I came though was that I was hoping to get ten of my invisibility cloaks," Harry added.

"Ten?" Ripruck clarified.

Harry nodded. "I know I had a couple dozen before and I wanted to give them as gifts in thanks to my friends. And I definitely want Digdug to keep one with him at all times. I don't think muggles are ready to meet a goblin just yet."

"Of course," Ripruck agreed. "I believe you have thirty-one of them. I will have those located as well."

"No rush," Harry assured him. "We've still got a long flight home but if you wanted to send those through, or even drop in on us in the next day or two, it would be appreciated."

Ripruck agreed immediately and Harry bid him thanks and goodbye, stepping right back into the vanishing cabinet. As soon as the door shut again, Harry waited a moment to see if he could feel or hear anything. He gently knocked on the door. He heard a muffled call of Umgubular Slashkilter and stepped right out.

"It worked?" Luna clarified as the door swung shut.

Harry nodded. "Piece of pie. These cabinets are bloody brilliant."

The next day Harry was startled to look over his shoulder and see Peeves calmly tapping Harry, trying to get his attention. "Alright there, Peeves?"

"Missus," Peeves said waving his arm indicating Harry should follow.

Harry followed him back asking, "You miss Hogwarts?"

Peeves grumbled and zoomed over the heads of Kaylee and Digdug blocking Harry's path. When Harry entered the engine room and saw Luna playing with his eleven year old portrait's ears, he suddenly realized. "Oh, you mean the Mrs."

"Reeve say Missus!"

"Sorry," Harry apologized to the curiously emotional poltergeist. He turned towards the portrait, "Lumpy Bumpkins?"

"Umgubular Slashkilter," she replied and swung open revealing a note on top of an invisible pile.

Harry picked up the invisibility cloaks, and glanced at the note. It read, "We've located the portrait but do not know the spells for attaching it." Harry was reminded that as helpful as most goblins might be, they didn't exactly want to play nice and make friends. They may be curt and get right to the point, but they were always efficient.

Harry stepped into the vanishing cabinet and pulled the door shut. He knocked gently, hoping Ripruck would have been waiting for him. As expected the elder goblin was and opened the door immediately.

"No problems with the cloaks?" Ripruck asked.

Harry shook his head. "Not at all, I figured I'd stick up the portrait, so none of you have to waste time manning the door."

Ripruck just waved towards the portrait leaning against the wall.

"Hello Harry," Albus grinned happily. "You're looking quite young."

Harry rolled his eyes. "It's a glamour, Albus. And I thought you might like getting to do something again."

"Ripruck was kind enough to explain the plan to me," Albus smiled.

Harry lifted the large portrait to the door and began to attach it. He was going to cast the trigger spells, when he turned to Albus and Ripruck. "Either of you have a preference on a password?"

Ripruck just grunted a negative response and Albus's portrait eyes were twinkling. "You know I like to use sweets as passwords."

"Right," Harry recalled the number of times he had been stuck there guessing random candy names wanting to get into the Headmaster's office. He turned to Ripruck, "Perhaps there's a goblin sweet or dessert you'd like to use in compromise?"

Ripruck considered for a moment before saying, "Well, there is blvkdarrakvabk."

"Gesundheit," Albus replied.

Harry turned towards the cheeky old headmaster. "I believe that was Gobbledegook, Albus."

"Perhaps there's an English translation that I could pronounce easier?" Albus asked of Ripruck.

Ripruck thought about it and answered, "It's a goblin root that's very sweet, but in English I suppose it means 'chewy dirt.'"

"Chewy dirt!" Albus exclaimed. "Excellent!"

Harry realized how little he knew about his vassals and decided he may need to read up a bit more on them. "Alright, chewy dirt it is. And the password to close the cabinet…?" Harry saw the hopeful smile on Albus' face and jumped in, "And it can't be Lemon Drop!"

Albus frowned harshly and engaged Harry in a six minute conversation on the nuances of altered meanings when plurals are used. Ripruck impatiently cleared his throat loud enough to attract the former Headmasters' bickering. Harry gave in to Albus' requests and set up the passwords to be 'chewy dirt' and the pluralized form of the banned word, 'Lemon Drops.'

"I did some research for you, Harry," Ripruck added just as Harry was about to leave.

"Oh?" Harry stopped in surprise, not expecting this. "What was that?"

"I looked into some of the journals of my ancestors," Ripruck explained. "Inquiring just what the wizards who propositioned them had said."

Harry wasn't sure why he kept getting so uncomfortable around goblins, but nodded, silently pleading for Ripruck to not mean what it sounded like he meant.

"The offer for them was," Ripruck explained ignoring Harry's apprehension, "to build a Gringotts branch in the planned magical alley side of the capital city of Londinium. I thought that alteration of the name was quite peculiar but I assume the muggles have their reasons."

"Londinium?" Harry repeated.

Ripruck nodded. "I do not know if they were going to reuse the name Diagon Alley, but they indicated they were planning to make a magical side even larger than it was here. They discussed the possibility of further branches as more planets were terraformed and civilized, but Londinium was the first planned metropolis."

"It still is," Harry repeated. "Londinium and Sihnon are the two most populous planets. They're neighbors to each other right in the heart of the core."

"Well perhaps your journey will take you there," Ripruck agreed, subtly dismissing Harry.

"Thank you for telling me this, Ripruck," Harry nodded numbly and went back to the vanishing cabinet. "It certainly has given me something to think about."