Disclaimer: I own nothing; Harry Potter and the elements of his universe all belong to J.K.Rowling. Firefly/Serenity and the elements of its universe all belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN – Return to Normalcy
"Commander Jackson, are you okay?" Director Stewart questioned as the crew descended from their ship.
"Umm… yeah, yeah I'm fine," Jackson said in confusion. "Just really, really hungry."
"Let the Medics check you out," Director Stewart ordered. "Nice work, Jackson."
"Thank you, sir?" Jackson replied uncertainly as he left the room and headed off towards the facilities medical wing, shaking off the odd surreal feelings.
"Beckford?" Stewart asked helping the cosmonaut down.
"Yes sir!" Beckford answered obediently.
"No tears?" Stewart warily inquired.
"Sir?"
Director Stewarts' attention whipped towards the emergency exit as alarms started blaring. "Mackenzie! What the hell are you doing?"
Mackenzie stood by the door holding it open. "Just wanted some fresh air, Director."
Stewart saw the slightly glazed over look in Mackenzie's eyes as he held the door open for a small procession of invisible people. Of course the Director believed they were imaginary, so he slowly asked, "Why don't you have the Doctor's look you over as well?"
"Probably a good idea, sir," Mackenzie answered continuing to hold the door.
"Think you might want to close the door so those alarms will stop?"
"Certainly Director," Mackenzie nodded. "Just a little more fresh air please."
Director Stewart watched Mackenzie's face relax completely as he stared off into space. "Close the door, Mackenzie."
Mackenzie pulled the door shut and hurried over to his boss. "Sorry, Director." Any further explanation was interrupted by his loudly rumbling stomach.
"Get down to the medical bay," Director Stewart ordered. He watched them all leave and couldn't help but to wonder. "Maybe it's space dementia."
Nearby, just outside the building, nine people, one goblin, and one phoenix were slowly making the way back towards Serenity.
"Man it feels good to be back," Jayne stated from underneath his invisibility cloak.
"I can't believe we just walked out the emergency exit," Simon commented.
Harry grinned, enjoying using his magic fully to make himself invisible. "Why make things more difficult than they are? It's what an emergency exit is for."
"I'm not quite sure that's what it's for," Antonio added.
"Lighten up Weatherby," Mal said happily. "You just need to relax your definition of an emergency a bit."
"I suppose," Antonio agreed. "It just feels wrong."
"Would losing your job and going to prison feel right?" Inara asked trying not to bump into all the other invisible people.
"No," Antonio softly concurred. "No it wouldn't."
"Stop grabbing me!" Inara snapped in the direction of Antonio's voice.
"I'm sorry! I can't see!" Antonio whispered harshly. "I didn't even think that was you actually."
"It wasn't," Harry snickered.
"Oh," Antonio and Inara both said in realization.
"Well then who…"
"Jayne," Harry answered.
"I need a hooker," Jayne's voice said from right next to Inara, startling both her and Antonio. Harry hid a grin as Antonio had stopped and was wiping his hands in disgust.
"I need a long bath," Kaylee stated.
"I need a good cuppa."
"I need to get back to my boat, so you all will shut up!"
"You might need a nap too," a mumbled suggestion came out from nowhere.
"River, now is not the time to try my patience."
"Sorry, Captain," she offered and quietly finished, "Just let me know when the time comes."
Mal said nothing but continued heading off towards where they'd left Serenity.
"Tell me again why we're supposed to walk towards that big tree?" Jayne asked.
"If you'd rather walk back to the ship," Zoe stated. "You go right on and do that."
Jayne apparently started to give that a try and he suddenly stopped, and began to think he'd forgotten something.
"Oww!" Antonio yelped having walked into the back of Jayne sending them both to the ground.
"You guys can probably take off the cloaks," Harry stated. "We're far enough away and loud enough. And Jayne, just walk to the tree."
"Are you sure that repelling thing wasn't created to torture normal people and amuse wizards?" Simon asked noticing the appearance of the others as they took their cloaks off, not to mention Jayne and Antonio on the ground.
"Didn't you find it amusing?" Inara asked the young doctor with a smile.
Simon fought to keep the grin off his face. "That's beside the point."
"Why don't you just pop ahead of us and take down the aversion charm?" Zoe asked, still unable to see the invisible Harry.
"But that wouldn't be very amusing at all," River pointed out.
"Fine," Harry conceded and apparated ahead. He found the aversion charm immensely easier to bring down with his proper wand, than constructing a long-term one strong enough had been when they first left Serenity here. Harry popped right back next to River, still invisible but with a sound loud enough to make the others jump. River merely raised an eyebrow in the direction of the sound. Harry explained, "You guys can think about Serenity again."
"Still there and in one piece?" Mal asked.
"Yup," Harry agreed. "And I think she missed you too."
"I should hope so," Mal retorted.
"What is it with men and their toys?" Inara mused.
"She's not a toy."
"I think they're compensating," Kaylee said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Simon snapped at his girlfriend.
"You ever notice how they always feel the need to name them?" River added. "And they're always female so that it's socially acceptable for them to love them."
"Serenity's a ship! It'd be weirder if I didn't name her."
"Or Babs," River added.
"You told her?" Simon whined to Kaylee, who just shrugged in response. "It's a device for blood analysis and biochemical structures. Just an acronym, it doesn't mean anything Freudian."
"And let's not forget Vera," Zoe added.
"You leave Vera out of this!" Jayne snapped as he hurried towards the ship suddenly missing his favorite girl.
"Hmm," River thoughtfully considered. "I would've expected the six weeks cramped together on a tiny ship to drive you all to the bughouse. The walk back to Serenity… not so much."
Digdug was staying under his invisibility cloak with the phoenix happily perched on his head. He tugged on Harry's sleeve while all the others hurried into the ship after Mal unlocked her. "Harry?"
"You okay?"
"This open space… and air it's amazing," Digdug stated taking a deep breath while Fawkes chirped happily. "But I worry."
"What's the matter?" Harry said looking around, not sensing any danger.
"Well…" Digdug paused uncertainly. "You act like you're all friends, but now free from the confines of the Frank-ship, you seem even angrier and more hostile with each other."
"Oh," Harry chuckled. "That's one of the quirks of humans. The more comfortable we are with each other, the less polite we have to be."
Digdug looked up knowing his reluctant Master could see him. "That seems… counter-intuitive."
"See?" Harry agreed. "You're understanding humans better and better already." Harry walked away and into the ship, giving the young goblin a moment to himself.
"No," Digdug said to the bird on his head. "I don't think I am understanding them any better."
Harry sealed the door after Digdug boarded and called into the intercom. "Take us to Londinium, River. Mr. Universe says we're clear. Just stay low until we're a few miles away, before heading up outta atmo."
"Things going smoothly for Frank?" Harry asked his communicator.
"Yes," Mr. Universe's voice replied. "Don't worry so much. He'll be making his escape tonight or maybe tomorrow."
"We're depending on Peeves. I'd be worried if we weren't worried."
"That doesn't even make sense."
"I know!" Harry retorted. "Peeves was nuts before he went crazy!"
"I wasn't talking about Peeves. I meant you couldn't be worried if you weren't worried. Because if you were worried then you wouldn't not be worried."
Harry sighed. "I know."
"What?" Mr. Universe asked, now confused.
"You think Frank's really got a desire for independence?" Harry asked. "Or he's just hoping he does because that's the way we all originally planned?"
"Well, considering he is sort of me," Mr. Universe answered. "I think he probably does. Being a digital intelligence is all I know, but if I got turned into a ship, I think I'd wanna be my own ship."
"What?" Harry asked, now confused.
"Relax," Mr. Universe said. "If things get dodgy, you'll hear about it right away, and you've got that vanishing cabinet all set. You and Mal and everyone else can be onboard Frank in seconds. He'll be fine."
"I guess," Harry said. "The cosmonauts all check out okay?"
"Yup," Mr. Universe explained. "Trust me. Even if the Alliance was told the truth, they wouldn't believe it."
"True," Harry chuckled as he walked into the dining area and found Mal, Simon, and Antonio all sitting around with beers.
"What's so funny?" Mal asked, noticing Harry walk in.
"I was checking with Mr. U on how clean our getaway was and how Frank's doing," Harry explained.
"And that's funny?" Simon asked.
Harry shook his head. "He told me to stop worrying and even if we told them what we did, they wouldn't believe it."
"I'm still having trouble believing it," Antonio said sipping on his drink.
"You know you're gonna miss us," Mal said grinning at Antonio.
Antonio sighed. "You guys are dangerous and I like paperwork too much. I'm actually looking forward to getting back to the office."
"The pleasures of a nine to five," Simon said wistfully. "Oh how I miss thee."
"Speaking of pleasures," Harry jumped in.
"And that's not the scariest segue you could make," Simon mumbled.
"Antonio," Harry grinned. "I'm afraid your second surgery ruptured something or another. And Dr. Tammy has drained fluid twice on you."
"Great," Antonio said. "Nothing like knowing my co-workers have been praying for my crotch."
"From the sounds of it," Mal added. "It could probably use the help."
Antonio sighed knowing he'd walked into that one.
"You know, it's funny," Simon said scratching his chin. "Six weeks and not once did Kaylee or I… umm…"
"Get the itch?" Antonio said with a grin.
Simon frowned but nodded.
"Oh Doc," Mal grumbled. "I really don't need to hear that."
"Yeah, I didn't exactly mean to say it," Simon admitted. "But it's weird, isn't it? You think maybe… we're getting tired of each other?"
Harry weakly smiled. "Uhh… let's not jump to conclusions just yet."
"What did you do?" Antonio grumbled.
"You!" Simon snapped. "What- what did you do?"
"Did any of us really want to deal with a horny Jayne on that tiny a ship?"
"Harry," Mal said warningly not wanting that mental image.
"I may have… for the good of all of us…"
"Harry," Simon said angrily.
"Oh please," Harry said with a roll of his eyes. "Would you rather have been sexually frustrated? Or put on a show for the rest of us?"
"I think we could have handled ourselves without your heebie-jeebie control," Simon insisted.
"The spell's gone and you're getting all testy now," Harry grumbled. "Go screw your girlfriend and get a smile on your face."
"Harry!" Mal said.
Harry shrugged. "I stand by my decision."
"And it was the right one," Mal snapped. "But you don't need to be putting more mental images in my head."
The intercom buzzed loudly and River's voice could be heard. "We're inside atmo and will be hovering over Antonio's apartment in less than a minute."
"Well, Mal," Antonio said standing up. "It's been an experience I'll never forget."
"Antonio," Mal said, standing up to shake his hand. "I can honestly say you're the nicest government stooge I've ever met."
"Thanks," Antonio smiled taking pride in the compliment. "Simon, if I ever become fugitive from the law and need a doctor to fix me, you'll be the first person I think of."
"We'll be in touch," Simon said. "Intelligent conversation doesn't exactly fly on this ship. And it'll be nice to have a rational mind who knows how horrible Harry is."
Harry turned to Mal. "You'd be surprised how often disliking me brings people closer together."
"No," Mal grinned. "I really wouldn't."
"Come on, Antonio," Harry said. "You got a hold on your bag?"
Antonio nodded, preparing himself for the sensation of apparition again.
"River?" Harry called out loudly.
"We're in place. I'll wait for you… maybe."
Harry placed a hand on Antonio's shoulder and popped them both, right back into Antonio's apartment.
"Huh," Antonio said dropping his bags to the ground.
"What?" Harry said looking around, seeing nothing out of the ordinary.
Antonio shrugged. "I half-figured there would be a strike-force waiting here for me."
Harry turned his head sharply towards Antonio's bedroom. "Actually there's an Operative hiding in your bedroom."
"How did you know, Mr. Potter?" a voice came from the other room.
Antonio gasped and moved behind Harry, who was just snickering and shaking his head.
"Yup, Weatherby," Harry grinned, remembering telling Antonio about the Weasleys he knew. "You are another Percy."
"The annoying young Percy? Or the good one you supported politically?" Antonio asked hopefully.
"Take it easy, Antonio," Harry smirked refusing to answer, knowing it would bother the young man. "Give me a shout when your bosses figure out what you've done."
"No!" Antonio turned to Harry and insisted. "Don't even joke about-"
Harry apparated away with a mischievous wave.
"-that!" Antonio finished, feeling more and more nervous. He hurriedly dug his invisibility cloak out from his bag, and grabbed his remote, ready to swing it at someone's head at a moment's notice. He quietly snuck into his bedroom, fearing the Operative Harry had stranded him with.
Antonio turned on the lights and was looking around frantically.
"Boo!" Mr. Universe called out from the nearby speaker.
Antonio's shriek made the digital intelligence's day.
"Alright!" Harry announced as he apparated back onto the ship hovering above the apartment building. "Who's up for a big, fat honking dose of rest and relaxation?"
"I think I'm gonna start with rest," Jayne grinned. "And then, mood permitting, pay the extra for relaxation to join in."
"When did you learn to be so subtle?" Harry asked Jayne with a grin.
Jayne winked and explained. "Peeves taught me."
"Persephone?" River called out over the intercom.
"Persephone," Mal answered.
Harry sat down and exhaled as he sagged into his seat. "I think you got the right idea on wanting some normalcy here, Captain."
"See?" Mal smiled victoriously. "That's all we need. Just take a little break. Outrun our troubles for a little while."
"Bold man," Harry grinned. "You do realize that since you just said that, we've probably got a fifty-fifty chance of being hailed by an Alliance Cruiser in the next few seconds."
Mal gulped, knowing his luck wasn't usually something he liked to test.
Harry smiled at the Captain's nervousness. "Where is everybody?"
"Inara and Zoe are up on the bridge with River," Mal explained. "Digdug and that fireturkey were both sleeping in your room. And Kaylee and the Doc… put up a Do Not Disturb sign."
"Why'd they do that?" Jayne asked curiously.
Harry glanced at Mal and saw he really didn't want to think about that question. Harry began, "Umm… Jayne…"
"Harry," Mal begged. "Please."
Harry obliged and leaned over towards Jayne. He whispered in Jayne's ear quiet enough that Mal couldn't hear him.
But Mal had to hold in a snort when Jayne's eyes bugged out and he sat up at attention.
"I'll be in my bunk," Jayne said determinedly as he left the room.
Mal suddenly felt uncomfortable. He smiled at the familiar feeling of home. "I think I'm gonna get some shut-eye too."
"For your benefit, Captain," Harry said as he stood up. "I'm not even going to say it. You want me to wake you when we get to Persephone?"
Mal gave it a thought and shook his head. "No, I don't think I want you to. We're in no hurry."
Harry's face fell as his plans involving a bucket of water crumbled. "Alright. Night, Captain."
"Night Harry."
Harry went down to check on Digdug and Fawkes. He saw they were both sleeping, despite the noises coming from Kaylee and Simon's bunk. He decided to be a gentleman and cast a silencing charm around the room with Do Not Disturb on the door.
"Dammit Harry!" Jayne's voice called out.
Harry had time to wince, when Mal's upper body poked up from his bunk stairs. "Harry, you're going to put that thing you just did to them on my bunk."
"Yeah," Harry said, casting a silencing charm. "I'm going to do it on all the bunks I think."
Harry cast it on Mal's bunk and said, "Night Captain."
Mal grinned to see Harry's mouth move but hear no sound.
Harry walked over to Jayne's bunk and stated loudly. "I'm going to silence your bunk in two seconds, Jayne. That means scream if you want to," Harry explained just as he cast the silencing charm, not even giving Jayne a chance to respond.
Harry walked up on the bridge to find Inara and Zoe smiling and an extremely red-faced River. Harry strolled up right behind her, and put both elbows on the back of her chair and held his brightly smiling face in his hands. "So… what are we talking about?"
"Oddly enough," Inara said with an amused grin. "Drilling."
"Proper dental care is very important," Harry agreed.
Zoe thought it was sweet that Harry wasn't rising to the bait and taking part in the latest session of embarrassing River.
Inara looked perfectly innocent as she explained, "River's a little nervous about where things have been, before she puts them in her mouth."
Harry had to bite his tongue, thoroughly impressed that Inara could say that with such a straight face.
River's whimper nearly broke the tension as Zoe choked down a snort.
River whipped her head around and said, "Hey Harry, what's that behind your head?"
Harry stood up and turned around. River never even turned away from Harry as she punched out with her right hand, smacking right into Inara's kneecap.
Inara was the one to whimper this time as Harry turned back at the sound with an amused smile. Harry grinned at Inara's obvious discomfort. "Everything okay?"
Inara's eyes were watering but she forced herself to nod.
Harry kept himself from laughing at her predicament but his eyes were twinkling merrily.
"I think maybe…" Inara began her voice weak. She cleared her throat and tried again in a more normal voice. "I think maybe I should lie down for a little while. Zoe?"
"Yeah," Zoe agreed and walked over to help Inara make it back to her bunk.
Inara knew Harry was well aware of what had just happened, but her dignity wouldn't let her admit defeat. She struggled her way to her feet and tried to make it look like she wasn't putting most of her weight on Zoe's shoulder. She whimpered slightly with every step, much to Harry's amusement.
When she was nearly to the door, Harry spoke up, "Oh Inara?"
She whimpered but turned around to face him.
"Could you make some tea? I'm dying for a proper cuppa."
Inara just nodded clearly in pain, and Harry began to wonder if River had broken her kneecap.
"I want to talk to River for a bit, but I shouldn't be too long."
Inara grimaced and just nodded as she turned and inched her way out the door. Once she was out of view, she dropped all pretense and slumped her body against Zoe's letting the other woman support her.
As they listened to the two women, one of them dragging her foot, Harry sat down in the co-pilot's chair. "You really popped her there. I don't think you broke anything, but you might've dislocated it."
"Oops," River said not sounding particularly sorry.
Harry chuckled and looked out into the black as they were flying with the autopilot on. "You doing okay?"
River sighed and felt the flush leaving her face, relaxing around Harry. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Is their teasing getting that bad?" Harry asked honestly.
River knew Harry wasn't oblivious and shook her head. She turned towards Harry. "It's not like-"
"Legilimens!" Harry called out forcefully, feeling the spell buckle coming out of his proper wand. Harry felt his mental probe tunneling through a thick dark surface, before he was summarily ejected and he rocked backwards in the co-pilot's chair.
"Oww!" River complained, rubbing her temple and closing her eyes. "Was that really necessary?"
"Son of a bowtruckle!" Harry exclaimed in surprise. "That I never woulda guessed."
"What?" River defended. "That I'd be able block you?"
"River," Harry said rubbing the back of his own head. "I just used my own proper wand on a fully magic-fueled Legilimency spell. I caught you off-guard and shortly after an emotionally exhausting situation. Without magic, I wouldn't have ever expected you to be able to resist that spell. To be honest," Harry admitted. "I think your shields are stronger than mine now."
"Really?" River asked excitedly.
Harry nodded. "I don't have anyone around to test mine, but I doubt I could keep out my own spell."
River smiled, pleased to think that magic wasn't everything.
"Sorry for the unpleasantness," Harry explained. "But it was a good time to test. You were saying something about the teasing?"
River sighed, not particularly wanting to admit just why it was bothering her so much. "They're only teasing me because my hormones make me a target. It'll pass. And it's kind of a fun rite of passage, getting teased by my friends."
"Oh?" Harry asked with a devious grin. "So no interest in turning the teasing around on them?"
"No! I mean yes!" River jumped at the chance. "A very strong interest in it!"
"Well," Harry playfully explained. "They're trying to push us together. They've even gotten Luna in on it."
"I know," River said as she furrowed her brow. "I think Luna might be the boss of them. She was telling me where I could find some of her hair, but… what's polyjuice?"
Harry groaned. "I'm almost glad there aren't that many potion supplies left."
"What's magical about this juice?"
"It's a potion," Harry said. "It turns your body physically into someone else's for an hour."
"Oh…" River said in realization. "So I'd turn into Luna for an hour?"
"It used to be pretty popular with the upscale brothels."
"I should think so," River agreed, picturing the possibilities.
"Yeah, well," Harry shrugged. "I'd imagine we may not see the ingredients needed for that potion ever again."
"Are you okay with that?" River asked, turning to look at Harry curiously.
"Mmm," Harry considered. "I'm not willing to accept it just yet."
"Good."
"Good?" Harry inquired.
"Good," River agreed. "So what was that about turning the teasing around?"
"Ah yes," Harry grinned. "Well, since they seem to want us together so badly, why don't we give them exactly what they want?"
River swallowed silently, wondering if Harry was teasing her now too. "And just how do you plan to do that?"
"They want us to disappear together for a few hours, and come back, exhausted, sweaty, and famished. I say we give them just that. And if they happen to draw inaccurate conclusions about what we've been doing, then they may not want to tease about it so much. Be careful what you wish for and all that."
"Exhausted, sweaty, and famished?" River asked, understanding what Harry had in mind.
Harry nodded. "I've got a magical trunk that we can climb into. There's a large empty room for dueling. We can do some sparring, a nice sweaty, physical activity."
"Oh," River liked the sound of this. "And of course, no one would expect you to come out without heavy bruising."
Harry swallowed a snort, enjoying River's enthusiasm. "I'm going to have to heal you after every time, aren't I?"
River shook her head. "Naw, I'm too quick for you."
"So," Harry shrugged. "I cheat."
River looked towards the empty sky ahead of them and saw they were over four hours out from Persephone. "You wanna go right now?"
Harry pulled out a magical trunk from his pocket and expanded it on the floor of the bridge. Harry shut the door, and pushed the trunk up next to it. Harry triggered the seventh compartment and opened the lid for River. "Got some energy to burn?"
River nodded and hurried down the ladder into the magical trunk. "I've been feeling frisky ever since we got off Frank."
"I'll be sure to mention that as well," Harry said to himself, wondering how that line might get interpreted.
Inara, Zoe, and Kaylee were all sitting around Inara's cabin. Inara had an ice pack on her discolored and bruised knee while they waited on Harry to come and drink his now cold tea. Harry said he shouldn't take too long, but it had been almost two hours since they'd left him alone with River.
Kaylee had arrived only a few minutes ago and so she broached the topic they'd been avoiding. "So… do you think it's a good sign or a bad sign that Harry hasn't shown up yet?"
"I'm thinking a good sign," Inara answered.
"For River or Harry?" Zoe asked.
"Probably not Simon," Kaylee said with a hidden grin. "But why can't it be a good sign for both River and Harry?"
Zoe frowned slightly and explained, "Don't get me wrong. I know Harry would never hurt her, and River's way behind schedule in the dating department, but don't you think the age difference is… a bit much?"
Inara shook her head. "Not the age difference. Half the time Harry acts younger than her. But the experience difference, maybe. I mean Harry's lived a long full life, was married for over a century, and still loves his wife more than anything."
"Exactly," Zoe agreed. "The experience difference."
"Ladies," Kaylee grinned and argued. "We're not talking about getting Harry remarried or even making babies, no matter what the goblins might say. Just, you know… they make a cute couple."
"Can you honestly see anything between them being casual?" Zoe asked.
Kaylee shrugged. "Not really, but we know it's something that'd be good for them both. Heck, even Luna's pushing for them."
"She just wants to see Harry happy, though," Inara pointed out. "And I wonder how much she's all there anyways."
"Harry's frequently reminded me that that portrait is not his wife," Zoe interjected. "It is a portrait of her, but it's not her."
"Close enough," Kaylee argued. "It looks like her, talks like her, and has some of her attitude. And most importantly, she reminds me of River."
Inara grinned. "They both remind me of Harry."
Zoe arched an eyebrow. "You think that's coincidence?"
Inara shook her head. "I mean think about it. Luna and River both were greatly influenced by Harry at the emotional pit of hell called puberty. Harry was one of Luna's only close friends growing up, and now that Harry's helping to awaken River from the mental nightmare that her life has been, he's pretty much become the most stable thing in her life."
"Don't tell Simon that," Kaylee whistled. "Though it has been nice having more Kaylee-time with him."
Inara and Zoe shared a small jealous look, but restrained their catty instincts.
"Considering the way Harry wasn't pressing River," Zoe stated. "You think maybe we shouldn't keep reminding River that she needs…"
"To double-thump her power thrusters?" Kaylee finished for her.
Inara snickered and shook her head. "Oh dear. I think those two will either figure it out on their own or not, no matter what we do. And on their timetable as well."
Zoe looked at Inara in amazement. "So you're saying we should stop?"
"Tsai boo shr!" Inara snapped. "It's too much for fun us!"
Kaylee nodded wisely. "If River turns out at all like Luna, then we probably only have a small window of opportunity to really embarrass her and make her blush."
"Exactly!" Inara agreed heartily.
Zoe chuckled. "That girl, or portrait, is shameless."
"I think that might be what I like best about her," Inara said.
"Yeah, it was up there on my list of favorite things too," Harry said popping his head into Inara's cabin.
"Harry!" Kaylee eeped, not expecting a voice to sneak up behind them. "What did… you…" She trailed off in shock as Harry was wearing a simple white t-shirt completely caked in sweat that stuck to his amazingly well-toned body. Wizard power or not, no one past the century mark should have the muscles of a twenty-year old.
Harry was biting his tongue at the three shocked looks he was receiving. The full-body glamour was obviously a successful addition. His eyes were twinkling as he lifted up the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his forehead. When he looked back all three were staring at his magically enhanced abdomen. "What did I what?"
"What did you hear?" Kaylee answered immediately before stumbling to correct herself. "I mean… what did… what'd you mean when you said it was one of your favorite things?"
Zoe snapped to look at Kaylee, gave her a look of annoyance, and mouthed a sarcastic 'Smooth.' Inara on the other hand, hadn't looked away from Harry yet.
Harry began to think this was too easy, but felt a small measure of comfort in that risking the vengeful ire of three gossipy women wasn't so bad as long as River was on his side. He acted completely innocent and answered, "As I was walking up I heard Zoe call my wife's portrait shameless. It was a wonderful quality found in my wife as well."
"Oh," Kaylee said turning briefly towards the others. "So that's… all you heard?"
Harry liked a lot of things about Kaylee but subtlety was not one of her strong points. "I'm afraid so. Should I have gotten here sooner? What'd I miss?"
"Nothing," Inara said conversationally. "But your tea has gotten cold."
Harry flashed her a cheeky grin. "I think I can heat it up pretty quickly. It may not taste quite as fresh but it's still loads better than the codswallop they sell in Blue Sun superstores."
"No no," Inara jumped at the opportunity and got up pouring the kettle away. "I'll make you some fresh. After our little journey, I think you've earned your proper cup. And this way we can chat while it heats up." She hurried and put fresh water on.
"Oh I get it," Harry nodded. "This is your not-so-veiled attempt to sucker me into your sewing circle of gossip. Alright, I'm game, as long as I can get my tea."
"Sit," Kaylee commanded scooting over.
Harry obediently followed his orders and fell down into the oversized pillow that was passing for a chair. Harry fell backwards onto the thing relaxing, and rubbing his perspiration and stink into the fluffy monstrosity. "So who did what to whose sister?"
"Excuse me?" Zoe said her face betraying none of her thoughts.
Harry narrowed his eyes playfully and sat up. "I've seen soap operas. Whenever you girls get alone, you all make up love triangles and drama anywhere you can find it. Someone's long lost twin stole someone else's husband, who turned out to not have even given his real name, because he was doctor treating his own lesbian daughter who thought she was just seeing a regular psychiatrist."
"Damn," Inara admitted. "That does sound interesting."
Harry grinned. "So… what were we talking about before I got here?"
"Girl stuff," Inara agreed waving him off. "So what took you so long?"
"Oh?" Harry said looking at his watch. "Was it that long? Man, time flies when you're having fun, don't it?"
"Having fun?" Zoe jumped in. "And just what were you doing?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Harry playfully avoided the question. "River and I so rarely get moments to ourselves we just had to jump at the chance."
"Err… what?" Kaylee asked, unable to come up with a subtle way to phrase her inquiry.
"What're you doing down here, anyway?" Harry asked Kaylee suddenly.
Kaylee huffed. "I'll have you know, I have as much right as-"
"I meant," Harry jumped in, seeing she got the wrong idea. "Last I heard I was needed to put a silencing charm around a certain bunk with a Do Not Disturb sign on it. I figured we wouldn't hear from either you or the Doc for a while."
"Oh," Kaylee blushed momentarily. "Yes well… sometimes I like to make him wait."
Harry winced and saw Inara and Zoe were smirking at him. "I wasn't exactly hoping for details."
Kaylee shrugged. "Inara taught me how to tie knots he'll never get out of, so I guess you could say I'm not really in a hurry."
Harry tried his best not to laugh and encourage those sorts of bad puns, but couldn't contain his amusement. The cheerfulness and honesty exhibited by Kaylee was as genuine as anything, but that wasn't to say her innocence wasn't without limits.
"Don't laugh at that Harry," Zoe said shaking her head. "She's got much worse."
"Hey," Kaylee pouted, having been quite proud of herself.
"I'm sorry," Harry said looking away. "But once you get the mental image of a Tam naked, you can't ever shake it."
"Maybe you're not shaking it hard enough," Inara said, unable to control herself.
Harry turned to her and laughed out loud. "Good god woman. You may be able to push River's buttons, but I don't embarrass quite so easily. By all means though, you're welcome to try."
"Speaking of River's buttons," Zoe decided to make a concerted effort. "You mind telling me why you're so sweaty?"
Inara had pulled the steaming kettle off and was pouring Harry a healthy cup.
"I'm sorry to say that I do mind," Harry replied accepting his tea. "Too many things could be misinterpreted, and besides, if it comes out, it'll prolly have to stop."
Kaylee's eyes perked up and looked towards the others to make sure she just heard Harry correctly. The slightly widened eyes but calculating looks on Inara and Zoe's faces indicated Kaylee most likely did.
Harry nodded towards Kaylee. "Your boyfriend really takes that overprotective brother role seriously."
Kaylee smiled softly. "He's just concerned about her. He doesn't want to see her get hurt."
"Yes, well," Harry admitted with small smile. "With a little practice, the muscles in the right spots get stronger and then even the hurt feels really good." Harry stood up turning away from the three mischievous young women. "Thanks for the tea, Inara, but I think I need to lie down."
"No… okay," Inara said apparently unsure how to respond to Harry.
Harry lifted an arm briefly, stretching out his sticky shirt once more and sniffed. "Maybe a shower first. Man, that River's a spitfire and a half. I was riding on pure fumes and magic at the end there. Night ladies."
Kaylee opened her mouth and turned towards Inara and Zoe as soon as Harry was out of sight. She snapped it shut when they didn't appear like they were going to say anything. She opened it again and began, "I know I don't always pick up on things, even when they're pretty obvious. But did Harry just…"
"Yeah," Inara said warily. "I mean… I think he did."
Zoe turned towards Inara and clicked her mouth shut as well. "That couldn't have… I mean he wouldn't…" She gave up trying to put her thoughts and fears into words.
"Okay," Kaylee admitted. "We cannot let Simon hear about this. But when he does, I didn't know." Kaylee accentuated towards herself resolutely.
"I don't think…" Zoe replied. "I mean… let's not get too far ahead of ourselves."
"Hey Inara!" River whispered harshly as she leant on the doorframe. "Oh sorry. I didn't realize anyone else was in here. Am I interrupting?"
"Nothing important," Inara said putting on her pleasant face. "What can I do for you?" Inara saw a moment of hesitation on River's face and glanced at the other two. "Or did you want to speak to me, privately?"
River waved her off right away. "I'm too sore to care right now," River bit back a laugh at the looks of surprise on their faces. "I didn't want Harry to know, so I told him he could go on back to his bunk, but man, he really pounded on me."
"Wuh de tyen, ah!" Kaylee gasped.
"Oh no," River interrupted her. "Nothing like that. It was completely mutual. But I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what he did to me."
"And," Zoe paused and cleared her throat. "And just what did he do to you?"
"Keep this to yourselves, but lao tyen yeh, he popped me but good." River turned to ask Inara, "Look, do you have some of that muscle-numbing cream? Because frankly, I can't even walk straight right now."
Kaylee gulped and jumped up. "I think I should go check on Simon." Kaylee saw the strain in the way River waddled fully into Inara's shuttle, clearing a path for Kaylee. Kaylee's voice was high-pitched and nervous as she scurried away. "I hope you feel better."
"Oh don't worry about me," River explained as Kaylee walked away. "Harry got me a lot more times than I got him, but I'm getting better. He'll be the one on his back a lot more, once I get some more practice."
"Good night," Kaylee squeaked as she hurried out of sight.
River shrugged and turned to Inara. "The cream?"
"Oh right," Inara agreed snapping into motion. She dug out a small jar of an orangey-white balm. "I've got lots more, so feel free to use the rest of the jar."
"Thanks," River said ignoring Zoe's stunned face. River reached over onto a couch and picked up a very floofy looking pillow. "You mind if I borrow this?"
Inara shook her head.
"I'll bring it back later," River explained as she turned away. "But right now even sitting hurts."
River waddled her sore body away, leaving two women reeling in fear of what they'd just incited.
"Morning Captain," Harry greeted as he walked into the dining room.
Mal looked over at Harry. "It's past two in the afternoon. Not sure you can get away with calling it morning."
"Close enough," Harry argued. "I take we're parked near the usual marketplace?"
Mal nodded.
"Where is everybody?"
"Kaylee was dragging the Doc out somewhere," Mal explained. "Think she may have been trying to keep him away from his sister. Jayne skipped off to… be Jayne. Inara got all sensitive and stormed off. Zoe went with her."
"Inara got all sensitive?"
"Now's not the time, Harry."
"Was the word whoring involved?"
"Harry," Mal warned.
"I guess things are back to normal. Never mind," Harry shook his head in frustration. "How about River?"
"I'm not sure," Mal said. "She was talking to Digdug before he went off. He said he'd cleared it with you and the fireturkey was with him."
Harry nodded, feeling a little lonely that Frank wanted to get away from him and then Digdug wanted to go exploring on his own.
"She might've gone into one of your portal cabinet thingies," Mal surmised. "Not really sure."
"I should probably go check on her," Harry admitted. "There's no portrait to open the cabinet if she went to visit Frank and Peeves."
"Alright," Mal agreed. "Hey, you mind staying here when I run out for a meeting?"
"Don't need backup?" Harry clarified.
Mal shook his head. "Naw, but I don't want to leave Serenity alone. It'll just be an hour or two. You can take the next couple days completely to yourself."
"When do you need me?" Harry asked.
"Meeting's at 3:30, so a little over an hour from now."
"Not a problem, Captain," Harry said as he turned to leave. "That should give me plenty of time to spank River for going through a vanishing cabinet without backup."
"You might want to be careful spanking that one."
"Figure of speech, Captain," Harry said with a bright smile. "I'll be sure to be back in an hour, in case I head out for a quickie."
"Thanks Harry," Mal said going back to the catalog he'd been flipping through, idly wondering why he never noticed Harry's British slang always sounded so dirty.
The hour flew by without incident. Mal was relishing in the long break without interruption from the simple peace and quiet. He looked up and saw Harry oddly enough, coming from the bridge. Harry's body was covered in sweat and he'd taken his shirt off. It was wrapped around his neck and currently serving as a towel for Harry.
Mal grimaced and glared at one of his pilots. "Harry, it's kind of an unspoken rule that you should keep a shirt on in the public areas. At least the guys have to. Around me."
"Sorry Captain," Harry exhaled wiping his forehead again. "Got more of a workout than I was expecting. I definitely need another shower, but I'm not going anywhere, so you're good for your meeting."
"Thanks Harry," Mal answered getting up, able to smell Harry just from this distance. "And please?"
"I got it," Harry said turning to head back towards his bunk. "Shirt. Won't happen again."
Mal decided it was probably time to meet up with Kwan. He was halfway towards the door when he bumped right into an invisible person.
The cloak fell off her slightly, revealing an underdressed and extremely sweaty River Tam. She pulled the cloak around her, making sure she was covered and scampered away. "Sorry, Captain. Don't tell my brother."
Mal just saw her floating head disappear around the corner. "Oh… wu de ma."
Digdug had returned and was chatting up a storm by goblin measure. He talked uninterrupted for almost a minute. Harry laughed at the young goblin's enthusiasm. No sign at all of anything useful or magical, but one of the most exciting days ever for Digdug. Harry gave him permission to go tell his dad about his findings. Harry also asked the goblin to come back with a bottle or two of firewhiskey.
Inara and Zoe returned, and Harry heard all about the pig-headed asinine Captain. Harry finally got Inara to settle down after he apologized on behalf of all men for existing.
Kaylee and Simon returned just long enough to change into nice clothes as they were going out to some fancy place for dinner. Kaylee was bubbling so much that Simon left his dignity at the door and knew everything about tonight was going to be up to her.
Jayne came back wearing an over-sized pair of sunglasses thick as goggles.
Harry wasn't quite sure what to say, when Jayne asked, "Whaddya think?"
Harry was saved by River when she answered as she walked in the room. "I think they make your feet look small."
"What?" Jayne said looking up at her through his darkened bulky glasses. He looked down at his own feet. "Really?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah, just a little bit though. I mean your feet are still… a good size."
"Huh," Jayne said taking off his sunglasses. "The lady selling them said they made me look like a star. Guess you just can't trust a toothless gypsy selling in bulk on box tops anymore,"
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Those types have gotten a bit of a bad rap lately."
"Harry," Mal called out, finally returning from his meeting. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure Captain," Harry said and followed the man up to the bridge. "What've I done now?"
"You know my feelings on relationships among crew," Mal said looking Harry in the eye.
Harry nodded. "I do, but I think it's a mistake to let that stop you from being honest with Inara."
Mal glared at Harry. "I wasn't talking about me."
"You wanna break-up Kaylee and Simon?" Harry said exasperatedly. "That's cold, Captain. That's real cold."
"I wasn't talking about them either."
Harry furrowed his brow. "Is Jayne coming on to you?"
"You and River!" Mal snapped. "I'm talking about you and River."
"Me and River what?" Harry continued completely innocently.
"Look," Mal said not particularly wanting to have this discussion. "I don't wanna know how whatever happened, happened. I just don't want it to happen again. Relationships among crew is just asking for trouble."
"Don't you think you've got a kinda spotty record for enforcing that particular suggestion?"
"Harry…"
"Relax Captain," Harry assured him. "I don't wanna know how you came to whatever understanding you seem to have come to. But you don't need to worry about anything between me and River."
"I'm glad to hear that."
"What we do," Harry explained. "It's purely physical. That's all."
"Harry…" Mal said wincing.
"Sorry," Harry said despite not sounding like he meant it. "I think you're making something out of nothing here Captain. You're as bad as the gossiping girls."
"You got plans tonight?" Mal asked after deciding not to discuss this any further today.
Harry shrugged. "I thought I might grab some take-out, and then see who all felt like drinking some of the best whiskey known to wizardkind."
"Wizard whiskey?" Mal asked curiously.
"Firewhiskey," Harry replied. "And considering the newest stuff has to be aged three or four centuries, I think it should be nice and ripe."
"This sauce taste a bit better than that goblin stuff?"
Harry nodded. "Much better. Though the taste always seems almost secondary to the flames."
The firewhiskey was a huge hit. The takeout was not so much. Digdug came back with not a bottle or two, but an entire case of Ogden's Finest. Digdug didn't like the taste of the wizarding whiskey and headed off towards bed pretty early. River seemed to be up the challenge of matching Harry shot for shot, and shooting the flames almost as well. It didn't take long before her lack of wizard metabolism caught up with her and she passed out with a smile.
That left Jayne, Zoe, Inara, Mal, and Harry drunkenly sitting around the dinner table, discussing the advantages of inter-crew relationships.
Inara slurred her words, "What Zzzoe and…"
"Wash," Zoe helpfully supplied.
"Wash!" Inara agreed and thanked Zoe. "Yes what Wash and Zzzoe had wasss beautiful."
"Thank you," Zoe agreed with an exaggerated nod. "I'm really starting to love missing that fool."
Mal turned a curious eye to his first mate, who if sober, would never be talking so openly.
"Don't get me wrong," Zoe explained not slurring half as much as Inara. "I'll always wish he was still around." She hiccupped and continued. "But now, when I miss him, it doesn't make me sad, because that missing him is part of still loving him."
"So you don't think you'll ever love someone else again?" Jayne inquired, acting pretty much the same dead drunk as he did sober.
"I don't know," Zoe admitted shaking her head. "But I won't ever stop loving Wash."
Jayne nodded, actually understanding that. "Yeah, I could care less what business you all do in your bunks. And even I'd admit Zoe was more fun when Wash was around."
Zoe sniffled. "I'm really starting to love missing that fool."
"You said that already," Mal jumped in wondering if they would all keep repeating themselves.
"What Zzzoe and Wash had was beautiful," Inara said shaking her finger to make her point seem more important. "We're just a little transport business. We ain't soldiers in a war. If I want to sleep with my Captain, we don't need your tyrannous rules getting in the way."
"But it's complicated for you," Zoe jumped in. "You got those other rules."
"Right," Inara said, oblivious to the smile on Mal's face. "Complicated rules."
"Well," Jayne shrugged. "I could care less what business you all do in your bunks."
"Harry?" Mal said looking towards the snickering wizard. "Are you doing this?"
Harry shook his head. "I think the firewhiskey is affecting their short term memory."
"In that case," Inara slurred. "I'm going to bed before I forget."
"Forget what?" Harry asked innocently.
"Don't you do your voodoo on me," Inara said with a shake of her head. "Where was I going?"
"Go to bed, Inara," Harry instructed her. "But kiss your husband good night first."
Inara leaned down and smacked a wet one on an extremely pale Captain. Mal was pulling away from her, but couldn't move fast enough for the drunken Companion.
"Good night, sweetie," Inara slurred as she left the room.
Harry couldn't take it and was about to burst out laughing when Mal glared at him harshly. "Not a word, Harry."
Harry motioned across his mouth and promised, "My lips are sealed." He twittered a moment, adding, "Sweetie."
Mal grumbled and felt a bit dizzy from the firewhiskey.
"You know," Zoe began suddenly. "I'm…"
"Really starting to love missing that fool?" Harry offered.
"Yes!" Zoe exclaimed loudly. "That's exactly what I was thinking."
"I could care less what you and Wash did in your bunk," Jayne agreed. "What were we talking about?"
"Mal's blush when Inara snogged him," Harry answered.
"Harry!" Mal complained. "That… that… that's some strong whiskey."
"I got an idea Captain," Harry said with an evil grin.
"Can I be on your side when you look that evil?" Mal said with a shiver.
"I was thinking we could try and open their eyes to the dangers of an inter-crew relationship."
Mal looked over at Zoe and Jayne as their heads rolled around in circles. He looked back at Harry. "You are really mean."
Harry just smiled innocently. "And you're perilously close to passing out yourself."
"I'm in," Mal agreed immediately.
Zoe woke up slowly, feeling a mild pounding in her head. Her body was sore and aching, but she felt a warm naked arm wrapped around her. "Morning, husband," she greeted as if this morning were like any other from three years ago.
A loud cough thick with mucus answered her before an oddly familiar voice replied, "Morning, whore."
Zoe's eyes snapped open and she sat up revealing she was not wearing much. She pulled her sheet against her body and looked down at the man in her bed. There, lying next to her, wearing some ridiculous sunglasses and some dubious looking underwear was the one and only Jayne Cobb.
Jayne shivered as a cold chill filled the room. "Why you taking all my covers?" he complained without opening his eyes.
"Jayne," Zoe whispered dangerously. "You have three seconds to get the hell out of here before I shoot you."
Jayne's eyes snapped open as he looked out from underneath his sunglasses. "Zoe?"
"Oh gos se," Jayne yelped when he saw Zoe's shoulders heaving in restrained rage with every loud breath. "Gos se, gos se."
"Look Zoe," Jayne said hopping up, shocked to see he was still wearing his socks. "I don't know what happened here, but I am sorry for whatever it was."
"Get out now," Zoe hissed through her clenched teeth.
Jayne began to whimper and he began scrambling to pick up his clothes.
"Don't you rutting cry on me!"
Jayne whimpered again as he shrieked and ran from her bunk.
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" came Jayne's calls from the hallway as Zoe struggled to control her breathing. She made the fatal mistake of telling herself that this situation could not possibly get any worse. She looked up at her now open bunk door and saw the abhorrent looks on the faces of River, Kaylee, and Inara.
Kaylee's look of fear and horror turned into a small, cheerful smile. "Hi Zoe."