Disclaimer: I own nothing; Harry Potter and the elements of his universe all belong to J.K.Rowling. Firefly/Serenity and the elements of its universe all belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT – This is Normalcy?

"I am very disappointed in you," River said with a frown.

Zoe scrambled to cover herself. "That wasn't what it looked like at all."

"How could you?" River said just shaking her head.

Inara took a big breath and tried to look supportive. "I'll fetch some pills and ointments."

Zoe winced and could not get her bearing at all. Her head was pounding from a hangover, but it wasn't the worst she'd ever had. "I…" Zoe sighed and exhaled. "That couldn't have been what it looked like."

Kaylee shrugged and smiled. "Your hair looks pretty good all tousled like that."

Zoe's stare could have cut glass and Kaylee decided it was time to chase down Jayne. "Sorry," Kaylee said as she beat a hasty retreat.

Zoe looked up at a heartbroken River. River just shook her head staring at Zoe shamefully. "I feel like a piece of me has died." River clenched a fist near her heart. "A big piece."

Zoe snarled and narrowed her eyes at River. Zoe got the feeling there was something she was missing.

Harry walked by right at that moment. "Good morning, Zoe. Sleep well?"

In the blink of an eye, Zoe transformed from a horrified and disgusted female into a raging maelstrom of morning cramps. "YOU!" she screeched in a raspy deep voice.

"Me?" Harry tried to look innocent. "Whatever could you th—whoa boy!" Harry gave up playing it coy while he still could. Harry turned tail and ran heading for the cargo bay.

"HARRY!" Zoe was hurriedly pulling a robe on as she tore off down the hall chasing him. "Get back here! Harry!"

"No way!" Harry called out. "You need to calm down. Find your calm."

Every time Zoe would just about catch up to him, Harry would apparate ten feet further away.

Harry wasn't above teasing an angry dragon. "I had no idea you were so-"

"Harry!" Zoe demanded. "Stop popping around!"

"You find your calm!" Harry pouted as he apparated around the catwalks in the empty cargo bay.

Zoe stopped her flailing and lunging and settled herself. She clenched her teeth shut and hissed, "I'm calm."

"Are you really calm?" Harry popped down to the floor where Zoe was, but kept the stairs between them. "Or are you just saying that?"

Zoe took another deep breath. She looked right in Harry's eyes and just stared coldly at him.

"Well, alright," Harry said slowly walking out towards her. "Nice to see you've got a level he-"

KA-POP!

"Ahh!" Harry yelled ducking back behind the stairs. "You shot me!"

"I grazed you at best," Zoe insisted. "That doesn't count. Get back out here!"

"Are you gonna shoot me again?" Harry said from behind his cover, looking at the fresh bullet hole in his shirt, and rubbing the superficial burn the near miss had given him.

"Are you gonna deserve it?"

Harry stayed quiet for a moment. "That's it. I'm never coming out."

KA-POP-TWING!

"Ahh!" Harry yelped jumping up. "Okay. That's enough."

"Did the ricochet get you?" Zoe inquired hopefully.

Harry vanished her gun as he came out from behind the stairs. The meat of his upper thigh was leaking blood and soaking his pant leg. "Yeah, I'd say so."

"Good," Zoe took a deep breath and shut her eyes. Out of nowhere she began to dry heave and gag. "I need to scrub myself with sandpaper." Zoe turned and ran back to her bunk. She stopped momentarily and doubled back to grab a gallon of bleach. She called out warningly to Harry, "We're not done yet!"

"Yeah, yeah," Harry groaned. "And I'm still bleeding." Fortunately for Harry this was far from the first time he'd been shot. And ricochets were rarely as deep or dangerous as the usual sorts of bullets Harry had a habit of getting in the way of. With a twiddle of his finger, he summoned the small projectile out of the shallow hole and gasped as he forgot the step involving numbing his leg. A chillingly cold sensation sent his body into trembles. He quickly decided against cleaning or cauterizing the wound, and just jumped right into his field healing training. He shouted out "Reparo Homo," while aiming his wand at the dime sized bleeding hole in his upper thigh.

Harry gasped as the loss of blood and jolt of magic seemed too much. Without the adrenaline of danger and fighting, his body decided now was as good a time as any to shut down.

"Jayne? Hello?" Kaylee said peeking into the mercenary's bunk.

The man in question spun around pointing his large weapon at her.

"Hey!" Kaylee said backing away. "Point Vera the other way, please."

"Sorry," Jayne said meekly. "I was just talking to Vera. She's the jealous type."

"So…" Kaylee grinned. "What's new?"

Jayne took a deep breath and whistled. "I think Zoe is a little bit mad at me."

"HARRY! Get back here! Harry!" echoed the angry voice from the hallway.

Kaylee snickered. "She might be angrier at others right now."

"You ever have one of those nights where you literally screw your brains out so perfectly that you don't remember it at all?"

Kaylee sat back curiously. "If I did, I don't remember it at all."

"Exactly! We had one of those nights." Jayne leant back with a satisfied smile. He was lost in a daydream. "I bet it was amazing."

"Err, are you okay?" Kaylee asked him curiously. "You're acting all… smitten."

"I'm not smitten," Jayne asked. "Am I?"

"You look smitten to me."

"Hmmph," Jayne said scratching his head. "Harry was telling me being in love is the scariest thing in the world. And I ain't ever been half as terrified as I was when Zoe looked at me like she did."

Kaylee held back a guffaw. "I'm not so sure that's quite-"

"You think she's cooled down by now?"

KA-POP!

"Probably not just yet," Kaylee answered recognizing the sound of gunfire. "You think we should go check on them?"

"Naw," Jayne said waving Kaylee off. "That was just a warning shot. Nothing to worry about."

"I don't know," Kaylee said doubtfully.

"She's just trying to scare him," Jayne explained

KA-POP-TWING!

"With two warning shots," Jayne amended.

"Jayne!" Kaylee said getting up to help.

"There's nothing wrong with warning before a warning shot," Jayne explained. "Sometimes you gotta give 'em a warning shot for a good and proper warning shot, ya know?"

"Why don't you wanna go check on them?"

"Not really sure," Jayne said scratching his chin. "Maybe it's my maternal instincts."

Kaylee looked at Jayne oddly. "Yeah," she simply agreed and opened the door. She peered out the hall and saw a dangerous looking Zoe approaching carrying cleaning supplies. "You okay, Zoe?"

Zoe just snapped a look at Kaylee in answer to her question.

"Right," Kaylee agreed. "Anything I can do to help?"

Zoe deflated a bit and shook her head. "I just need a shower right now."

Kaylee grinned and nodded, while Jayne stuck his head out from behind her. "You want some company?"

Zoe clenched her eyes shut and silently wished she still had her gun. "Jayne, do me a favor."

Jayne flashed her a lecherous grin and thought back to all the crazy sex he couldn't remember. "I hear 'Jayne do me' and the rest is just blurry."

Zoe glared up at Jayne.

"Right, sorry toots," Jayne replied seeing the displeasure on Zoe's face. "Whaddya need?"

Zoe swallowed the bile in the back of her throat and ordered, "Jayne, please. Just go get a hooker. Now. If I have to, I'll reimburse you. Just go now."

Jayne's eyes lit up hungrily and a smile split across his face. "Of course!" He ran up to Zoe and hugged her, ignoring the bottle of bleach she used to try to stop him. "You're the bestest girlfriend ever! I'ma git a whore!"

Zoe and Kaylee could only watch Jayne skipping away in happiness.

Zoe shuddered uncontrollably for just a second and hurried back to her bunk, intent on scrubbing at least a couple of layers of skin off.

"Get up, you big baby," Zoe said kicking Harry in the blood stained pant leg.

"Bloody hell," Harry groaned waking up to a sharp pain in his upper thigh. As he slowly came to, Harry felt the right side of his head pounding and sore. Not to mention he could only hear out of his left ear. "What the…" Harry reached up and felt the hand pressed up to his head on the numb side of his face. "River!"

"Yes Harry?" River said happily, wiggling the tip of her pinkie she managed to stick in his ear.

"Why did you… I mean…" Harry blustered and settled on. "Get your finger outta my ear!"

River turned her wrist slightly and yanked sharply, dislodging her finger with a slurping pop sound.

"Ahhh!" Harry shrieked at the sound and painful sensitivity. "What is wrong with you people?"

"Just reminiscing about the glory days," River said thinking back. "Good times, good times."

"This is your fault!" Zoe yelled at Harry. "You and that stupid wizard drink."

"Are you okay?" Harry asked tapping the side of his head, feeling the blood rushing in and out of the right side of his head. "I mean you look… raw."

"I just shed two layers with a pumice stone," Zoe snapped. "And I still feel dirty."

Harry sniffed the finger that rubbed some of the condensation in his ear and turned to River. "Did you use shortening?"

"It wouldn't fit," River explained. "So I got a stick of butter."

Harry licked his finger and immediately regretted it. "That tastes worse than feet."

"Well, it's probably mainly your waxy build-up," River argued wondering what compelled Harry to sample the substance in his ear.

"Hello?" Zoe jumped in. "I shot you and I want to shoot you again!"

"You want me to find you a gun?" River offered. "Or would a harpoon do?"

"River," Harry warned. "Be nice. Or no play time for you. Now tell me, Zoe. What seems to be the problem? Butterflies in your belfry?"

"Harry," Zoe sighed, knowing violence didn't make her feel much better, nor did it answer her questions. "What the hell happened last night? What was in that whiskey?"

"Ogden's Finest Firewhiskey?" Harry pondered and admitted. "Honestly I don't know. But Digdug might. He knows goblin whiskey pretty well, so maybe firewhiskey is similar."

"What did happen after I passed out?" River asked looking at Zoe and Harry. "I remember a drinking game, I remember thinking 'gos se, Harry won,' and then… it's kinda black." River paused and saw the anguish on Zoe's face. "Although considering this morning, maybe I saw something I didn't want to see and have hidden it in the inner recesses of my mind."

Zoe fell back to sit down in resignation. "Husband's gonna hate for me eternity."

"I think Wash'd understand," River said with a determined nod. "It's been over two years since you felt the comforting touch of a man. You were drunk and with trusted friends. Wash's voice might get all high-pitched and indignant, but he'd understand."

"Jayne?" Zoe said reminding River of the main detail she'd overlooked. "This is Jayne we're talking about. You think he'd understand this?"

Harry snickered. "I may not have gotten to know Wash, but personally, I think he'd find it hilarious."

"Harry!" Zoe snapped. "This is your fault, you know."

"Some things just happen," Harry said with his eyes twinkling merrily. "You were laying into Mal about how stupid he was forcing his own inability to admit his feelings for Inara, by demonstrating how easily crew members can get involved."

"That's why I slept with Jayne?" Zoe jerked up, trying to remember the night before.

"Are you looking for a rational answer to that question?" River clarified.

"Zoe, listen," Harry pleaded. "I didn't know the firewhiskey would get you all quite that inebriated. It's probably because it's so old and it's supposed to get stronger with age. But it's still just alcohol. It may remove some of your reservations, but it doesn't control you, cause hallucinations, or make you do anything that some part of you doesn't wish to do."

"Harry," Zoe hissed dangerously.

"Hang on," Harry said. "I'm just saying nothing all that bad could have happened. Could it be maybe you just never realized you were attracted to Jayne and you're taking out your anger towards yourself on me instead?"

"What?" Zoe snapped.

"What?" River echoed.

Harry shrugged. "I just don't want you to be angry here. I mean things happen, life goes on. You can forgive me, right Zoe?"

Zoe just stared at Harry incredulously.

Harry looked at her hopefully. "Please?"

"You did shoot him," River added.

Zoe stared in silence. "Fine," she huffed. "I'm willing to admit that it may not be entirely your fault."

"Great!" Harry cheered. "And seriously, completely, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I'm quite sure Wash would not think any less of you. He's probably watching over you, laughing his arse off."

Zoe sighed as her anger faltered when faced with Harry's infectious grin.

"Anyways," Harry added as he got up and prepared himself. Harry took a deep breath and began rapid-fire speaking as fast as he could. "Nothing happened between you and Jayne. I just stripped you both down after you passed out and stuck you in your bed. I'll see you later." And with a pop, Harry apparated away to safety.

River saw Zoe had clearly understood Harry's quickly spat out rambling confession. "He's kinda sexy when he's scared like a nancy boy," River commented to the silently steaming Zoe.

"Oh thank god," Zoe said clutching her heart. "Nothing happened. Nothing happened."

"Of course nothing happened," River said looking at Zoe. "There are some things you will do when drunk that you wouldn't otherwise. And then there are things that not even the dark evil magic can accomplish."

"That wretched old man," Zoe said moving past her relief and right back into wanting to shoot Harry.

"He's right though," River added.

Zoe turned to look questioning at River.

"Wash would find it hilarious. He always liked seeing you angry at people not him."

Zoe decided she needed to get another gun and see if Harry perhaps forgot to lock his bunk door.

"Listen Zoe," Mal said sticking his head into the cargo area. "I knew you were for inter-crew relationships, but I had-"

"Where's that harpoon, River?" Zoe said sticking her hand out, waiting to be armed.

Mal's eyes bugged out and he decided he'd already had enough ribbing of his first mate for now. "I'm gonna go check on… that… companion-y girl."

Zoe watched the Captain run away scared and started to smile. There was fun to be had here.

The last two months of supposed normalcy were really taking their toll on the Captain. Mal still wasn't so sure about the memory Harry had presented involving a not entirely unappreciated kiss and his new pet name of 'sweetie.' Inara seemed to be ignoring him more than usual, but Mal was slightly thankful for that. Zoe had been relentless about reminding him how unwise trying to discourage romantic entanglements was.

Not to mention, Mal really didn't want to think about the number of times he caught Harry and River slipping out from small enclosed rooms, extremely sweaty and usually hungry. Those two had managed to deflect all questions and notice from Simon, until Kaylee couldn't take it anymore and flat out told him.

Mal was not prepared for Simon to be completely aware of the situation and unconcerned. Especially when Simon pointed out, he'd watched a couple of times. Apparently, having a doctor on hand was somewhat useful to River and Harry's clandestine interactions. That was when Mal decided he didn't care at all about his crew's dating habits. He just didn't want to hear about it.

Mal had also made the mistake of bringing up the subject of Wash in one of his more personal discussions with Zoe. He was nearly shot at, but it did come with the benefit of discovering that she had not in fact bumped any uglies with Jayne. After viewing another memory with Harry, he discovered his own compliance in the charade. He really wished that he hadn't watched the memory all the way through, revealing that he'd been the one to undress Jayne.

Inara had taken Digdug in her shuttle a couple times to check out nearby planets. None of them showed any signs of being welcoming homes for goblins, or containing any significant semblance of magic. The little goblin had become far more comfortable around the crew, a little bit too comfortable in Mal's opinion. Apparently, if you belch in front of a goblin, the friendly response is to belch back. Jayne and Digdug could carry on conversations for hours speaking nothing but belch, usually ending with Jayne accidentally regurgitating a little bit.

Harry was almost the most disconcerting of the bunch. He had not been pressuring the Captain. He'd not even brought up the possibility of taking their vacation of normalcy towards Alpha and Jersey. No, Harry was just being mischievous and the most normal and laid-back of the bunch. It was really making Mal nervous.

Frank and Peeves had dropped by. They'd managed to break out in the night after having loaded up on all the supplies they could. Frank figured, if used sparingly, he had enough hyperdrive fuel to keep him flying for a year before he'd need to find a way to steal more. Frank had already gone to visit Antonio and let Peeves scare the crap out of him when he was reading a newspaper in the bathroom. Mr. Universe, acting on Frank's behalf, had to agree to destroy the video of the incident in question. Frank was more than happy to point out they never specified just when he would get around to destroying the video.

Harry setup a portrait onto both of the second pair of vanishing cabinets. One on the cabinet hidden in the storage space on Frank and one on its matching pair stationed in the dining room of Serenity. The one on Serenity held the portrait of Dilys Derwent that used to hang in the Headmaster's office. She was a pleasant woman and she might know a thing or two about healing, a field Mal figured to be useful. Her cabinet, linked to the one on Frank, was positioned right next to the portrait of Luna and the cabinet linked back to the one in Harry's vault and the Earth-That-Was. The two portraits had a few interesting conversations, but oftentimes Luna was trying to teach Dilys a new language. Luna was still in the process of making up the language, a fact Dilys suspected but had no proof of.

Mal had talked to Kwan and found nothing useful. If he ever wanted to get into the assassination business, there was work, but no jobs Mal's conscience was ready for. He tried talking to every contact he had. Capshaw, Horowitz, Holden boys, Slick Willie, Monty, Big Willie, Fanty and Mingo, Willie, and now he was contemplating Badger. He'd even tried Duncan, but apparently Zoe beat him to that punch. She'd told Duncan not to give them any jobs until they helped Harry with a personal thing.

Mal was thinking normalcy was working against him. It was like a constant anxiety just waiting to complicate his life, and trying to be normal was beginning to feel like running. He couldn't rule out that this wasn't some of Harry's voodoo, but given Mal's history with luck he had to give Harry the benefit of the doubt.

That didn't mean he wasn't going to give Harry hard time.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the cradle-robber himself."

"Excuse me?" Harry yipped, uncertain he heard right.

"Mmm," Mal considered it. "Okay, I will."

"What?"

"Excuse you," Mal explained. "Just this once. So don't ever let it happen again."

"Let what happen?"

"I think age is catching up with you, Harry," Mal commented with a grin before getting to the point of his little conversation. "Now I was thinking, you know."

"That's worrisome," Harry cheekily interrupted.

Mal ignored Harry and continued. "And I couldn't help but notice that River's done all of the flying since we got back."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "She's doing really well and she likes flying. It makes her feel useful."

"See, the more I think about it," Mal pondered, looking mischievous. "You said it yourself, her shields may even be stronger than yours. Which means I got a real good pilot in stable condition. Don't see the need for two pilots."

"Oh really?" Harry played along. "So you think you don't need me anymore?"

Mal raised a curious eyebrow, slightly disappointed at Harry's lack of concern.

"Not even to keep me around to backup your mechanic?"

Mal jerked up. "What did you do to Kaylee?"

"Oh no," Harry said shaking his hands. "I had nothing to do with this one."

"This what?" Mal asked curiously.

Harry stopped, opened his mouth, and then shut it. He stood there waiting, completely ignoring Mal's confused stare. Finally after about ten seconds, Harry shook his head. "Sorry, I thought Kaylee was going to speak up just now."

"WU DE MA! I'M LATE!" Kaylee's voice boomed throughout the ship.

"No," Harry commented with a grin, enjoying Mal's curiosity. "I think she was right on time."

"She's late for what?" Mal asked uncertainly.

"Actually," Harry grinned. "I think Simon's the one answering that question right about now."

"Huh?" Mal asked.

Harry raised a finger. "Just wait for it."

It took another ten seconds before Kaylee's voice was back again.

"WU DE MA! I'M PREGNANT!"

"Gos se!" Mal groaned.

"See?" Harry grinned. "You might need another occasional mechanic-slash-healer around, even if your good and stable pilot does all the flying."

"Gos se!" Mal repeated.

Harry shook his head. "This would never have happened if I had been unnecessarily putting everyone in danger. I'm just saying."

"Gos se."

"She okay, Doc?" Harry asked as a very dazed looking Simon entered the dining room.

"She's fine," Simon answered without really looking at anyone. "Sleeping."

"And are you okay?" Harry asked.

"I'm fine," Simon said still yet to even notice anyone.

"Sleeping?" Jayne asked, continuing Simon's line of thought.

Simon shook his head. "How did this happen?"

"I could draw you a picture," Jayne offered.

"Stop," Zoe insisted pointing at Jayne.

"Zoe'd be in it," Jayne added, ignoring the order.

"Harry?" Zoe asked looking towards the wizard helpfully.

Harry nodded and waved his hand towards Jayne. "Silencio," Harry cast loud and clear.

Jayne shut his mouth for a moment before mumbling, "Thanks Harry."

"Jayne," Harry said tiredly ignoring the looks from the others. "The fake silencing charm doesn't work so well when you thank me."

"Sorry," Jayne admitted.

"We've always been careful," Simon argued, still lost in the clouds.

"Doc," Harry said waving his hand in front of Simon's face. "You there, buddy?"

"I'm fine," Simon answered finally looking Harry in the eye. He looked away still not quite all there.

"You guys did it," Jayne snickered at Simon, imagining the event now that there was verifiable evidence.

"Jayne," Zoe warned.

"And now you're gonna be a dad," Jayne punctuated with a slap on the table. "Hey, if it's a boy, you should call him Jayne."

"He's already gonna be Simon's kid," Zoe grinned, enjoying the stupor the Doc was in. "Let's not completely condemn him just yet."

"Hey!" Simon snapped out of it, realizing they were ganging up on him.

"Welcome back, Dad," Harry grinned. "So when's the bastard due?"

Zoe jumped in recognizing the smirk on Harry's face and added, "Or are you gonna make an honest woman of our fair Kaylee?"

"I… I…" Simon swallowed loudly and sat back.

"You're fine?" Jayne suggested.

"I'm gonna check on Kaylee," Simon said avoiding the question.

"Don't call her that," Harry frowned. "Call her what she is, the mother of your child."

Zoe, Harry, and Jayne were all snickering as Simon hurried away.

"Where's Mal?" Zoe asked.

Harry smiled. "I think this may be too much normalcy for him. He didn't feel like congratulating the happy couple."

"Alright," Mal said entering the dining room. "You win. Let's go do Harry's thing. This isn't working."

"Captain?" Harry asked.

"You're right," Mal agreed. "If we were off on your wild goose chase, this wouldn't have happened. I think there's a limit on how much normal is healthy and we're about one unplanned pregnancy past our limit."

"Are you sure?"

"Just do it, Harry," Mal sighed grabbing a beer from the fridge.

"I'll plot a course," Harry agreed heading up to the bridge. "We'll be on our way as soon as Inara and Digdug get back."

It took an hour before Inara and Digdug returned. "What's the rush?" Inara said as they walked into the dining room. "Why the urgent wave?"

Harry grinned as River nodded and headed to the bridge to take off. "Guess who's pregnant?"

"Oh gos se, Harry," Inara said shaking her head. "You didn't."

"No," Harry warbled back. "I most certainly did not."

Inara gasped and turned to Zoe. "Please don't kill it!"

"Nothing happened!" Zoe snapped at the implication.

"A whole lot of nothing," Jayne agreed with a knowing lewd nod.

"Oh… oh. Ohhhh!" Inara caught on. "How're they taking it?"

"A bit surprised at the moment," Harry answered. "Mal's probably taking it the hardest."

Inara grumbled. "That stubborn, idiotic-"

"Sweetie?" Jayne suggested.

"Yeah, him," Harry agreed. "He's ready to go wizard-hunting. We're taking off for Jersey right now."

"Finally," Digdug said with a sigh. "I thought he'd never break."

"Digdug?" Harry said looking at the goblin warily.

"What?" Digdug shrugged. "I'm looking out for Potter interests."

"I don't wanna know," Harry decided and went to go check on River.

"The goblin's been working us?" Simon asked in confusion.

"Digdug's not been working us," Kaylee argued. "He's just been trying to subtly… influence the Captain. He's not some criminal mastermind. This is survival of his species."

"Kaylee!" Inara greeted seeing the bubbly young woman out from her room. "Are you sure you should be up and around?"

"I'm fine, Inara," Kaylee assured her. "I'm only three weeks along. I got a few months of business as usual before you need to worry about me."

"I thought you were looking a little chubby," Jayne commented. "Least now you got an excuse."

Jayne saw his addition to the conversation was not particularly welcome. He shrugged and turned to the Companion. "Hey Inara, I got an idea and I want to run it by you."

"Oh dear," Inara answered.

"You know how you call your clients Johns?" Jayne explained. "I was thinking John's had a good run, but it's time for a change. Nothing too drastic to confuse the stupider, you know," Jayne broke out his quote fingers, "professionals."

Inara sighed, a little disappointed to realize this wasn't even offensive to her anymore.

Jayne looked quite proud of his cleverness. "So whaddya say we start calling them… Jaynes."

"As in Jane Doe?" Kaylee said. "Because I think the illegal brothels on the rim already do that."

"That's for girls though," Jayne said. "I'm talking simplicity, a good unisex name. They can all be Jaynes, boys and girls."

"Can we call them men and women," Simon jumped in. "For my sake, please."

"It's not gonna happen, Jayne," Inara said, getting the feeling Harry put him up to this.

"Now I know that's your initial impulse," Jayne said. "And I respect that."

"You do?" Kaylee asked skeptically.

"Sorta, yeah," Jayne agreed less than decisively. "But I figure they're whores, you know? So what's it gonna take, Inara? How much you think it's gonna cost me to get your bosses to officially adopt the new word Jaynes?"

Inara pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming. "How much would you guess this is Harry's fault?"

"One hundred percent," Simon answered without pause.

"Hey!" Jayne argued. "This is my idea! I just overheard him talking to his fireturkey about it. He didn't even know I was listening."

"Told you," Simon said with a nod at Inara.

"Jayne," Inara began and paused before continuing, "You can't afford a change like that. They're just too expensive."

Jayne wasn't going to be so easily deterred. "Come on, just give me a number."

"One hundred bajillion," Inara said with a roll of her eyes.

"Gos se," Jayne cursed. "Harry said it'd be too much."

"We're gonna arrive at Jersey tomorrow morning," Mal said entering the room. "Kaylee, you and the Doc wanna hang back? Keep the baby away from the excitement?"

"No!" Kaylee argued. "I wanna go wizard-hunting too."

"That's fine," Mal said. "But you'll be going without me then. I'm staying with Serenity. No way I'm leaving her unguarded on Alpha."

Kaylee frowned but nodded. "We can take turns. I'll bring ya some lunch and you can go hunting out in the afternoon."

Mal shrugged. "I don't mind guarding the homestand."

"Hey Harry," Jayne said sticking his head onto the bridge. "Harry?" Jayne saw no one on the bridge, just a large trunk on the ground. "Who's driving this thing?"

"I am," Harry said climbing his way up and out of the trunk. "What's up Jayne?"

"You were… in your trunk?"

"Well, I wasn't alone," Harry clarified, as he magically summoned a water bottle and began to cool down.

Jayne peered over Harry's shoulder at the trunk. "In that little thing?"

"It's bigger than it looks," Harry said.

"Huh," Jayne commented but was interrupted by River crawling out of the trunk as well.

"Cripes Harry," River climbed out and was gingerly testing her left hip. "I think you broke my hi-"

"Ahem," Harry cleared his throat loudly, interrupting her. River looked up suddenly and realized they weren't alone on the bridge. She quickly tried to cover, "My hi- hymen." Sometimes River thought a little too quickly for her own good.

Harry and Jayne just stared at her equally impressed at what she'd managed to say.

"Is that so?" Jayne said, not really sure what a hymen was, but could tell it was making River blush.

"Why don't you let me heal that," Harry said, holding back his laughter.

"That's not… really…" River stumbled through her words. "Necessary."

Harry put his hand over the tender area River had been pressing and incanted, "Reparo Homo." He just left his wand strapped to his forearm and let his hand put pressure to see if she had broken her hip.

River didn't need to hear Jayne's evil giggling to know how it must have looked with Harry's hand sending magic into her pelvis. She tried to ignore it, but that stupid healing spell always felt dangerously good.

Harry staggered as he usually overdid the spell.

"Thank you Harry," River said, maintaining her poise.

"Do it again, Harry," Jayne cheered. "Break that hymen, just so you can heal it again."

"What?" Simon gasped walking in on the tail end of the conversation. "What did you just say?"

"Err… nothing," Jayne replied. "Harry, I was just wondering if when we get to Jersey, we could swing by a post office?"

"Sure," Harry agreed.

"Thanks, Harry," Jayne turned to go back to his bunk. He explained proudly, "I gotta tell Mom about my girlfriend."

Simon, River, and Harry all watched the slightly delusional man disappear from the bridge.

Jayne sat back in his bunk and tore a page out from the back of the Book of Jayne. He got out his trusty pencil and sat back to write Courtney Cobb a letter.

Hey Mom. It's me. Jayne. Not a lot has changed since I last wrote you. Oh. Well, I guess Harry did lead us on a pilgrimage back to Earth-That-Was. That was a trip. But don't tell anyone. The planet was pretty much what you'd expect. Just a giant orange ball hotter than a fresh frisked fox in a forest fire. Though a few miles under the surface we found an entire race of weird people who are like honorary descendents of Harry. They call him Master, even though it makes Harry uncomfortable.

Zoe got herself a taste of the Jaynes and won't leave me alone. A bit clingy for a girlfriend. I may have to dump her. No… aww crud. Ignore the bird poop on this letter Mom. Harry's pet has a somewhat twisted sense of humor. Silly immortal.

Oh well, I'm going to sleep now. Gonna try and find out how alone Harry may be in this universe tomorrow. He's a bit of an odd one. He even brought a ship to life. Like it's now a living thinking thing. A rutting ship. Weirdo.

Love,
Jayne

P.S. – Kaylee's pregnant. Simon might even be the father. Who knows.

"So this is Jersey?" Simon commented idly. He saw all the signs of civilization: large buildings, very little plant growth, unless you counted the fungi all over places, trash littered through the streets and sidewalks. "It's… well, I guess it is as bad as I feared."

"Don't let the look fool you," Jayne commented, double checking he had his guns. "This place got big brother as bad as everywhere in the core."

"Just cause the Feds may not come streaming in right away, don't mean they're not coming," Zoe added looking both ways as they exited Serenity.

"So where to?" River asked.

"Digdug? Fawkes? You guys gonna be okay?" Harry checked.

Digdug nodded slightly, making sure to not jostle the phoenix perched on his head hidden underneath the invisibility cloak with him.

"Either of you got a preference which way we go?"

Both magical creatures shook their heads.

"River?"

"How bout that way?"

"Sure," Harry agreed and started walking in the direction River pointed. "Any reason you chose this way?"

River shrugged. "I felt like walking towards the sun."

"So what are we looking for exactly?" Inara asked the group.

"A post office and wizards," Jayne answered.

Harry chuckled and elaborated, "Signs of odd things, men wearing dresses that wouldn't even fool Jayne, out of the ordinary places or reactions, confused people-"

"Dragons," Jayne offered.

"Yes, dragons would be something worth noting," Harry agreed.

"I think we get the picture," Inara said.

"I was figuring we could walk for an hour or two and if nothing is found, then try out some of the public transportation," Harry suggested, looking around as they walked through the dirty streets and interconnected back alleys.

"Public transportation?" Kaylee squeaked.

"Have we done something to wrong you?" Inara wondered.

Harry turned back to them and felt like the Headmaster scolding students. "Public transportation allows me to meditate as we move around the area quicker. In the past the magical alleys or portals have been near muggle transportation, train stations, bus stops, airports."

"Yeah but that's where disease lives too," Kaylee added.

"Well don't drink the blood then," Harry replied. "You guys are welcome to split off and do some shopping, if you'd rather, but I need to check out a lot of area, including near public transportation spots."

"Nah," Kaylee said shaking her head. "I'd rather stick together, but don't let me stop anyone else."

They all agreed to stick together for now. Walking up and down the random streets, they found a post office and Jayne paid for his letter to get sent to New Pitt. Bottled water was popular as the sun got pretty hot. After Jayne kept asking about every homeless person they passed, Harry instructed them to be a little stricter in what caught their interest. It only took an hour of walking around before popular opinion agreed wizard-hunting was not as fun as it sounded.

Digdug's invisible snickering at their sighs and groans of boredom amused Harry and River both. Around 10:30 in the morning, they arrived at an underground subway station. Kaylee seemed to be doing fine, but Simon preemptively broke out the baby card and they shifted their search towards mass transportation.

Locating the emptiest subway car they could, the group of Harry, River, Simon, Kaylee, Jayne, Zoe, Inara, Digdug, and Fawkes took over a couple of rows for themselves. Digdug sat on the floor, rather then give the impression there was an empty seat. Harry took two seats near the window as he sat cross-legged in a lotus position. The others all relaxed glad to be off their feet for a break and keeping an eye out in all directions.

Harry focused inwardly on his magic and felt nothing at all out of the ordinary or indicative of anything hopeful about this area or planet. He centered himself and relaxed into a state of consciousness where his senses could identify magic coming from any direction. It was a complicated and useful technique for dueling, but in a practically magicless twenty-sixth century, it worked especially well for locating the nearest signs of magic.

Kaylee watched Harry's eyelids fluttering as he seemed to zone off. She turned to River, "You hear from Peeves or Frank in a while?"

River nodded, "I went and visited them yesterday. They were cruising deep into sector two."

"Two?" Simon repeated.

"Yup," River stopped. "I guess that makes me one of the furthest cosmonauts ever in that direction of the verse."

"What're they doing over there?" Jayne asked.

River shrugged. "Exploring the universe. Probably a lot more of it than any human's ever seen."

"That sounds exciting," Kaylee grinned.

Inara shrugged. "So does wizard-hunting."

"True," Kaylee agreed she looked over towards the wall and blinked. "Where'd Harry go?"

The others suddenly realized he wasn't there.

"He'll be back," Digdug's voice answered from under the cloak on the floor. Right on cue, Harry's body was back in place, seated in the exact same lotus position. "See."

"Harry?" River asked when she saw the others looking at her. "Is that normal?"

"We just passed a cat," Harry said without opening his eyes or moving any differently. "But it was probably about a quarter kneazle."

"Is that a good sign?" Zoe inquired.

"Not really," Harry replied. "Muggles have always had pet kneazles thinking they were just odd cats."

They all sat silently as the subway stopped and people poured in and out of their car. Once they started moving again, Harry asked, "Anyone paying attention?"

Digdug answered, "Nope you're clear."

Once again, Harry disappeared, only to reappear seconds later, dropping a necklace on the ground. "Hang on to that."

Digdug's hand snuck out from under the cloak and pulled the necklace in.

"Are we stealing?" Jayne's eyes perked up.

"It's magical," Digdug answered.

"Oh," Jayne frowned. "What's it do?"

"Dunno," Digdug replied.

"Maybe it strangles people," Jayne mused. "Or turns into a dragon."

Harry's face was smiling, but he was still deep in meditation. He answered, "It gives you hickeys without your notice."

"Cool," Jayne cheered. "Can I have it?"

"You're not really the jewelry giving type, Jayne," Inara commented.

Harry cracked an eye open and looked at Jayne. "You're gonna wear it, aren't you?"

"Not around my neck," Jayne insisted.

"You know I think maybe splitting up is a good idea," Simon interrupted. "Kaylee?"

"Yeah, why don't we grab an early lunch somewhere, and let the Captain come out this afternoon," Kaylee agreed.

"I think I'll join you," Inara agreed. "Zoe?"

Zoe shook her head. "I wanna keep my eye on things around here."

"Alright, we're gonna get off at the next stop then," Simon said standing up. "You guys want to meet us back here in an hour or two?"

"Main street station," Zoe agreed. "Why don't we meet you out front of here at one, okay?"

"One o'clock," Simon agreed as the car slowed to a stop. Harry was in his trance and made no sounds or movements. "We'll let you know what we find."

Jayne watched the three others leave and the doors close. He saw their car was pretty empty and turned back to see Harry off in his la-la land while River and Zoe were looking at him. "So… is this officially a double date?"

"Jayne," Zoe sighed. "I'm armed."

"Is that a yes?" River asked.

"Yes," the once-again forgotten invisible goblin answered. "I'd say it's a double date."

"You know I can concentrate better the quieter it is," Harry commented.

"Well then maybe you should stop talking," River helpfully pointed out.

Harry opened his eyes to glare. "Great. Thanks River. I appreciate the distraction. With my luck I just completely missed the massive entrance to Diagon Alley because you wanted to be a smart aleck."

"You know it's more likely," River argued. "That with your luck, you missed it by going on a little diatribe just now that was longer than your previous distraction. Also and again, your fault."

Harry felt Fawkes presence calming him before snapping a glare towards the bird, when it started going a bit too far. "Give up on the nestling, you overgrown turkey."

Harry relented under Fawkes amused response and relaxed back into his magical center.

"What's a nestling?" Jayne asked.

"It's like a dumpling," River explained. "But with less guano, more nest."

Zoe smiled at the description, especially seeing how quickly Jayne accepted it as truth.

The group of four people on the unofficial double date and the invisible goblin and phoenix fidgeted for the next hour without anything particularly successful of note. They decided to ride the subway until the end of the line and let Fawkes take them back to meet Simon, Kaylee, and Inara. When they got out where the subway system required them to, they examined the area of yet another slum, without any further signs of magic. They had just a few minutes left, so Harry turned himself invisible, while the other three humans and Digdug covered themselves in their invisibility cloaks. Harry grabbed onto Fawkes and the group was transported safely out of sight. They stashed their cloaks in pockets and looked around for indications of where they were.

Half a block up was the entrance to the subway station where Simon, Kaylee, and Inara were all waiting on a bench.

"Any luck?" Jayne asked as they approached the others.

"Yes!" Kaylee squealed. "There's this great Italian restaurant just five blocks up that way. It was delicious!"

"Any luck with wizards?" Zoe clarified.

"Oh," Kaylee blushed having been a bit too excited about her lunch. "No. Nothing like that."

"I've got my second wind," Inara admitted. "I'm up for some more walking around aimlessly."

"I'm good too," Simon agreed.

Kaylee frowned. "We should go back to Serenity and see if the Captain wants to get some fresh air."

"We could call him," Harry pointed out and pulled out his communicator.

"Connecting now," Mr. Universe answered immediately.

"Mal?" Harry spoke into it. "Captain? Are you there?"

"Harry!" Mal's voice replied. "How goes your search?"

"Pretty fruitless so far," Harry said. "Nothing more than on any other central planet."

"Sorry to hear that," Mal answered.

"Yeah, anyways," Harry continued. "Kaylee's wondering if you wanted a reprieve. They're all ready to keep the good search on, but she's worried you may want the fresh air."

"I do!" Mal jumped at the chance. "This is killing me. I tried reading a book and it wasn't until the third chapter that I realized it was a wizarding romance novel."

Harry snickered. "And then what'd you do?"

"Well," Mal paused and added under his breath. "Don't tell this to the others but I'm on chapter twelve now. You magic folk are way too hung up on wand size."

Harry was shushing all the others, huddled around his communicator listening to the Captain.

"So are you gonna tell Kaylee that she's up for boat-watch?" Harry asked. "And I'll come get you?"

"No no," Mal pleaded. "You do it. Make something up. Just tell her that she's been on her feet enough, she needs to think about the baby."

Harry couldn't hold in his snicker. He warned the Captain, "You know she can hear you talking."

"Hi Captain," Kaylee greeted leaning in towards Harry's communicator.

"Oh," Mal admitted, hurrying to think of an excuse. "Well in that case, I think I'm gonna hang up now. Because I'm actually the digital intelligence Mr. Universe trying to make it sound like I'm the brilliant, attractive Captain Reynolds. And if I hang up now, it'll really look like I'm Mal." There was a pause before he added, "Right. Umm… goodbye."

Harry was looking at the others, clicking off his communicator. "That was pretty good."

"That was the Captain, right?" Kaylee asked.

"I don't know," Harry argued. "What do you think?"

Kaylee shrugged. "I just wanna know if I'm supposed to go back to Serenity."

"Yes," Simon answered. "It sounds like he's losing it."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Inara argued. "If it's Every Werewitch Has a Silver Lining then that's a pretty good book."

Harry turned to Digdug. "What have you been giving them?"

"Hogwarts library isn't all spell books," Digdug explained. "There's some steamy fiction."

Harry knew that was true. He remembered confronting Hermione about studying too much early in their seventh year. That led to a very red-faced conversation when he cast a finite on her Advanced Arithmancy book and discovered The Red Robe Diaries Volume Thirty-Seven. An indignant squawk led into a detention with Madame Pince where he was forced to reorganize the library section in question. Harry grew up a lot that year. And he killed Voldemort.

"Right," Harry said snapping out of a daydream. "Simon? You going to keep the mother of your child entertained?"

"Yes, we're both going," Simon answered still uncomfortable every time Harry reminded him.

Harry led the pair back into a secluded corner out of view and apparated them right back to Serenity. Harry grabbed hold of the Captain and apparated back into the secluded alley. He was gone less than a minute before returning to the benches with Jayne, Zoe, Inara, River, Digdug, and Fawkes.

"Afternoon ladies and Inara," Mal greeted. "How're we all doing?"

"Some of us are hungry," Jayne commented. "How bout it, Mal?"

"I could go for a bite," the Captain answered. "Anywhere good around here?"

"There's a decent Italian restaurant a few blocks away," Inara retorted. "I haven't been there in… at least minutes now."

"Lead the way," Harry agreed to the other's approval.

The group began the five block walk towards the restaurant and Mal was finding out how their morning had gone. "So is this what I have to look forward to? A lot of time-consuming pointless walking without anything useful accomplished?"

"That gonna be a problem?" Harry asked with a grin.

"Nope," Mal said with a smile. "Looking forward to it actually."

"I take that as a good omen," Inara grinned.

"Harry! Harry!" Digdug begged, grabbing onto Harry's sleeve. The others all stopped at the frantic call.

"What?" Harry asked. "What is it?"

"Fawkes!" Digdug answered.

"Where is Fawkes?" Harry said looking up and spinning around.

"Uhh… Harry?" Inara said. She'd stopped in front of the restaurant but was pointing towards the large statue across the street.

The impressive monument featured several American soldiers struggling to raise one of the old American flags. Each soldier was a good thirty feet tall, and the flag pole was probably twice that. Unconcerned about being spotted, Fawkes was happily perched on the top of the flagpole.

"Fawkes!" Harry restrained a yell. "What're you doing?"

Suddenly catching on to the phoenix's intentions, Harry's eyes widened in realization of the highly magical statue. "Whoa… there is a more than healthy amount of magic on that statue."

The group crossed the street to inspect it closer.

"It's an old one from the Earth-That-Was," Jayne commented glancing at the plaque in front of the statue. "You saying wizards made this?"

"Is it a portal?" River asked looking at the large bronze monstrosity. "Or an entrance to an alley?"

Harry shook his head, inching closer and closer to the statue. "No," Harry was focusing his eyes. "It's not the statue. It's as if the statue is coated in a layer of magic. Lots of little hotspots in crevices. It's not a portal or entrance. I'm not sure what it is."

"You think it's important?" Mal asked, thinking the statue was nice enough but not terribly noteworthy.

Harry was shaking his head, trying to examine the magic. "I know this spell. It's very familiar."

"You need a multiple choice?" River asked.

"No," Harry replied, looking at the flashes of magic all over the surface. "I don't think I've ever seen this spell before, but I know I know it."

The others were knocking on the thick bronze, ignoring the small barrier they weren't supposed to cross. They'd begun to attract a small crowd, wondering why people were climbing on the statue when Harry gasped and took a step back. "Oh heavens," Harry felt the blood rushing from his face as he finally recognized the magic. "This spell! This is my spell! That's why I'd never seen it before. This is my spell!"

"Your spell?" Inara asked curiously. "You own one?"

"No," Harry said shaking his head, as his face split into a wide grin. "This is the spell I created, the one that put me to sleep."

"Hang on," Jayne said. "Are you saying…"

"Yes, right here," Harry assured them all overflowing with excitement. "There are wizards, dozens of them."