A/N: Wow the response I got from the last chapter just...wow. Thank you all so much for all your reviews and if I had the time and patience I would name all of you to thank you. However, instead of doing that I figured I would get to work on this chapter. This chapter will hopeful explain a lot and show that I didn't just choose the title and to link the story with Linkin Park because I'm an obsessed fan. I like the band, but I am not obsessed; it just follows my story all too well.
Also, I am not a doctor. I took biology sophomore year and haven't dealt with it since. I do know about lack of oxygen, blood cells, etc so I think I got this all right and good. No it was not a mistake she was dead 13 minutes and yeah she should have brain loss, but hey this is the magic of an imagination and I think I have the reasons why explained. If it doesn't make sense please comment and I will help to you to understand or rewrite this chapter altogether.
One more note: I am graduating from high school this Friday. I have been very busy because of it but was able to belt out this chapter. On June 10th I am leaving to Carlisle's hometown (London). I will try my best to get the next chapter out before I leave but if not I may not be able to get the next chapter up until July. Never fear though, I will write on a laptop and as soon as I get back update. I am not leaving forever- how could I with such a great audience?
Thank you for listening to my rambling- hearts and kisses- Fran
Disclaimer: I do not own Edward even though I made him leave. I am sorry for that. I do not own Bella even though I'm putting her through this pain and agony. I am sorry for that. I do not own any of these characters even though I am manipulating them into dark angst dram. I am sorry for that- even though dark angst drama is the best kind of drama. Also Lyrics and titles go to Linkin Park.
5. CRAWLING
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
I can remember the last time I stood in this office clearly. I was amazed by the amount of books on the shelves, the one wall that was pure glass, and the wall containing the pictures of Dr. Cullens' life. I refuse to look at that wall now as I sit in the plush red chair in front of his desk. I don't want to think about his journey, his life, about the smiles Edward gave me as he told me the history of his father.
I've been awake for three days now. And by awake I mean awake. Ever since that last awakening, I haven't been able to sleep. I won't allow Jasper to help me sleep, but as I lay there still, eyes wide open, I wonder if he could even help me. My mind isn't running with pictures or worries, of course Edward's eyes haunt me, but they are not the reason I can't sleep. I just can't. Something inside of me thinks even if Edward was here I couldn't sleep. I slept too long, my body has to catch up to my waking hours so it seems.
No one has spoken to me in these three days either. I don't offer to talk to any of them either. Alice tried to comfort me, but how do you comfort someone who has lost everything? The cabin fever of having to stay inside this house or on the Cullens' property has yet to hit. When I cough, I cough blood.
Outside the window a light rain fell, but I kept my eyes down on the wood of Carlisle's desk as I drew funny shapes with my cold fingers. I was instructed to come meet with him, but he had yet to arrived. Yet there was a knock at the door and he entered carrying what looked like food on a white plate.
"Good evening Bella, I thought you might like to eat as we talked," he smiled down at me and I gulped. Food had not been my friend. Every time I tried to eat anything- pasta, soup, soda even- I couldn't keep it down, making the bathroom my second bedroom almost. I was in the tub all last night, my stomach churning for food but unable to keep anything down.
"I'm not sure that's such a good thing Dr. Cullen," I tried to hide my groan.
"Carlisle," he corrected me, setting the plate down in front of me. The white plate held a simple steak, nothing on it nor any garnish or side dish. I looked at Carlisle with wonder.
"But right now you are my doctor," I explained to him, biting my lip as I looked at the peculiar looking piece of meet. Nothing looked wrong with it. The juices forming on the plate underneath it were pink and bloody. I had a feeling it was cooked rare. Would it be rude to tell him I only liked my steak well done?
"No, right now I am more of..." he bit his lip, trailing off as he looked for the correct word. The word father came to my mind, but I refused to say it. I had tried my best the last few days to not think about Charlie. It had been rather easy though, the inability to sleep and the constant throwing up taking up most of my time.
"I will be your doctor later," he finally told me, "but right now I would like for you to eat. You see, I have a theory and I would like you to help me prove it by eating this steak." He produced a steak knife and fork from nowhere, handing it to me across the desk. I felt awkward cutting into the piece of beef, the red juices flowing from it. I gulped again, the smell of blood lingering on the barely cooked meal.
However, I took a bite. The steak was so raw that the middle was still cold. The texture and flavor almost sickened me, but as the juices ran down my throat and my teeth shred the raw meat I suddenly realized how hungry I really was. For this point back I had always hated raw meat, but now it seemed like it was the perfect food. Carlisle stayed quite, a small frown on his lips as he watched me devour the steak quickly.
I didn't like his frown. I had been getting it ever since I had awakened. Everyone looks at me like I'm about to break, but I suppose I should be used to that with this family of vampires. However, it's a different type of fragile. It's because they know I'm dying. I can feel it. And like me, they don't know why. Except Carlisle and that's why we were here, for him to explain everything. The crash, the coma, the sickness now. Everything.
"How do you feel Bella?" Carlisle asked concerned.
"Better," I answered, my entire body feeling a bit lighter, my cheeks a bit warmer even. It was obvious the food had done some good.
"Good," he gave a slight smile, but it was easy to read the underlying worry. I wanted to know, but then I didn't.
"Did I prove your theory?" I asked.
"Yes, I believe you did," he sighed and then started going through some papers. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I should leave, but I knew the conversation was not over. Before I could decide to leave, he spoke again. "You're a miracle Bella. After so many minutes without breathing, the brain stops working, brain cells begin to die. Without oxygen and your heart pumping blood throughout your body, you die. You did die. I saw it all. The heart monitor stopped and we did everything we could to save you. I considered giving it all up right there and biting you in front of all those doctors to save you, but your body was too gone. You died at five thirty-nine that afternoon."
I just sat there taking it all in. I was dead. I died. I couldn't remember anything from it though. There was dark and there was light, there were voices and sirens at one point, but besides that I could remember nothing. Carlisle watched my reaction, a small pause before continuing in a soft, delicate voice. He was too young and too pure looking to be talking about death.
"I was the only one in the room when you took your first breath. I was cleaning you up, making your body... presentable... for your parents when they arrived, when you gasped for air and your heart slowly started beating again. It was five fifty-two. I considered biting you again that very moment, but I knew your body would not be able to handle the venom just yet. As I stood there, watching your chest rise and fall with each new breath I did something stupid. At the time I thought it was the right thing, the perfect thing, but I apparently I was wrong.
"I took you from the hospital, wrapped you up in a blanket and ran you all the way here. I figured I would watch you for the next few days as you recovered and when you woke up, when you were strong enough, I would turn you. I thought all the puzzle pieces were perfectly in place. Your parents believed you were dead, the entire town did, and I doubted you could live very long if not turned. In some ways I was only thinking of myself, or my children you could say. I was thinking how perfect it was for you and Edward, that the circumstances were perfect for you to be turned and him not to feel guilty. You would be in love forever then," his eyes were glossed over as if he could cry, but I knew it was impossible for him to cry. I, however, was doing my best to try and not cry.
I couldn't help thinking of what had happened. Of how he was so right, that I could have been turned and my life with Edward forever. I saw exactly how Carlisle saw. I could have loved Edward without worry. We could have all moved from Forks together and started new. The Cullen's would have moved because the memories were too much for Edward when really I could be starting fresh, starting life as a vampire.
"However, when I got you here, Edward was... gone. None of us could figure where he went, searching all the places we knew him to visit. Alice trying to see the future, but we found nothing. My thoughts of still turning you became limited because part of me wanted Edward to be the one to turn you," Carlisle bit his lip as if this information was hurting me. I took a shuddering breath; it was hurting me more than he could imagine.
"Each day passed as you laid there in a coma and we were no closer to finding Edward. That's when I decided that I would let you wake and you could make the decision if you wished to be turned," he told me. My eyes grew the size of saucers. He was asking if I wanted to be changed? Yes, yes, always yes. Yet what he said sunk in as well. I had no Edward and maybe no chance of ever getting him back. Could I live forever without him? Maybe I would find him one day, but would he still want me?
"However, things have changed once again, creating a new problem," he told me. I stared at him. Changed? Changed how? "As I was watching you, making sure you healed properly, I noticed that you were healing all to quickly some days and other days you were worsening. For the longest time I could not figure out what was wrong until I linked that the days you looked best- face shaped, lips perfect, hair shiny- were the days you were internally worse. It was Rosalie that made the connection that on those days you look beautiful yet are in more pain than normal that you look like you're turning."
I was in shock. I was turning already? But no, I knew I was more than human. I had to breath, I had to eat, and I could feel my heart beating inside of me. However, other things started making me see differently. I couldn't sleep anymore, barely keep food down, and then if I looked even further I had been keeping better balance lately, high SAT scores, faster. I still felt human, but now I could tell I was changed in little ways I just blamed on maturing.
"It's called Hybrid Theory. A hybrid is something made up of two opposing elements. In you case it would be human and vampire. When James bit you, Edward attempted to extract all of the venom and we all believed he had for you were no longer in pain. I believe Edward may have missed a small trace of the venom or maybe gave you some of his own somehow and ever since you have been slowly changing into a vampire. I accept as true that it's behind the reasoning of your resistance to dying as well as you inability to keep down most food."
His words weren't forming real sentences. I was already changing? I could remember Edward commenting how I always felt warm and how my skin some days felt on fire, but I thought that had been from the hot sun.
"Carlisle, if I am already changing, then what's the problem?" I asked scared to hear the real answer. Somewhere inside of me I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from him, maybe even hear a different answer. Maybe, hopefully, I was wrong.
"You can't be a hybrid Bella, the two just don't mix," he sighed with sad eyes. I could feel angry tears welling up in my eyes and my cheeks turn hot. I was right. It was killing me. "The venom attacks your blood stream, think of it almost as a virus that attaches onto your blood cells causing them to die. Your anti-bodies then start attacking the venom causing the venom to weaken its potency. Without a full strength dose you will never be completely changed, but you will be eternally sick, in the motions of turning. Eventually, the process will become so physically exhausting and painful... you'll die."
Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. Everything I ever wanted was coming true and yet it was like someone was yanking it away from me as if it was on a string. I was turning and yet I would never be completely turned. I would die before I was a vampire. A deep sob rose in my chest and before I knew it Carlisle was by my side, cradling me in his arms.
"Can-can you add more venom?" I sobbed against his marble like chest. I couldn't help it and cried harder, everything hitting me. To the outside world I was dead. I was without Charlie and Rene, Mike or Jessica. I was without Edward. My body was collapsing on itself and all I could do was sit back and let it happen.
"I don't know Bella. Your body is still weak for a complete turning, but I don't know if it will ever be. We could try, but it could kill you too," he sighed, pushing my hair out of my face. I thought about the word father again, how much Carlisle was to his almost children, and yet all I wanted to do was be with my own father, to be with Charlie. "It's up to you to decide if it's worth the risk."
I sat there crying in his arms and the though passed through my mind. Did I try living as a human, maybe somehow integrate myself back into normal life and live as long as I could, dealing with this sickness as someone with cancer would, living life to the fullest or did I ask to be turned, die or maybe live forever as a vampire, never to have a true life?
Both had the possibility of dying though one was a fifty/fifty chance of dying or living forever. I wasn't sure I wanted to live forever though. Both lives looked empty of love, family, life, and most importantly, Edward.