Sorry for the delay...Had problems with my laptop. No excuse, of course, but it's not good when any electrical appliance begins to smell of burnt toast, is it? ;D

OOOO

Part 5

"You're looking much better," Sturgis commented, joining Harm on the front steps, after dinner, "And I see that AJ and Jimmy have been hard at work again, today…"

"Yeah," Harm noted the construction site in the front yard, with a smile. He proceeded to explain the whole project to Sturgis, who also marveled at AJ's sentiment.

"Kids sure are amazing," he smiled, adding, "and adaptable."

"Sometimes I wish I had been so adaptable, when I was a kid," Harm nodded, "I guess AJ's just a special kid."

"He's going to be okay, Harm. We all are…That doesn't mean that we'll ever forget Mac, or that she'll even stop being special to us, but at some point, this new kind of life becomes the norm and we continue, without forgetting the past. We will always remember her, celebrate her life in our own special way."

"I must admit," Harm shook his head, "even though I know you are right, I just don't see how that could happen, how I could do that. Mac was so involved in my plans for my future…I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to JAG, to a courtroom, even. It was like hell on earth the time she was gone pursuing a civilian career. The thought of never seeing her again just…hurts so much."

Sturgis gave his shoulder an understanding squeeze.

"I understand how you must feel that way…But I don't think that you should think about moving away from JAG at a time like this. You will need your friends to help support you. As much as you want to believe that we will just remind you, because Mac won't be amongst us anymore, we can help you through this. And being a naval lawyer and a former aviator is a part of who you are. And you'll eventually make a life for yourself outside of work. You'll have a family, perhaps even children to focus on, so your work will not be your whole life…"

Sturgis stopped, seeing that this was too painful for his friend, who had jammed his eyes shut, as if he were in very real, physical pain.

"But that's just it, Sturg…" Harm ground out, "Mac wasn't just a part of my career or even just my circle of friends. She was my best friend, my constant confidant and so much more. Do you know, when I got my new car, I asked Mac to come along to give me advice? And when I got my eyes fixed it wasn't my current girlfriend whom I thought about telling first; it was Mac. I always believed that out of everybody, even my friends, Mac was always the one who would always understand every crazy impulse I've had…"

Harm chuckled, softly, when Sturgis added a quiet, "and there have been many of them…"

"We had plans, Sturg…"

Sturgis' face fell in understanding, as Harm expanded.

"When little AJ was born, we made a five-year-plan to have a child together, if neither of us was in a relationship at that time. And our respective partners always came and went, but our relationship was forever. Even during that dark time in Paraguay and during my time with the CIA and when she was with Webb, I never truly stopped believing that we would go ahead with the deal. She found out soon before AJ's fifth birthday that she had a very low chance of conceiving, but it didn't change anything in my mind. I told her that it didn't matter to me how this having a child happened, as long as it did. Surrogacy, IVF, adoption…All I wanted was to be with her and the rest would have been the icing on the cake. How can I go on with my life now that she's not going to be a part of it? I really don't think I want a life without her in it…"

"Harm," Sturgis' voice held signs of the warning bells that were going off in his head, "You're not thinking…"

"No," Harm shook his head, "I could never do that to my friends or my Godchildren…Don't take this the wrong way, you're all special to me, but I don't think I'm going to be able to call everything that is left 'a life.' Not when Mac held such a big part of me. It all died with her and now there's this great big hole in my heart."

"You have to take it one day at a time, Harm," Sturgis comforted him, "I know how much you're hurting, but give it time. It's good that you're beginning to open up about what you're feeling. It shows that you're healing."

Harm didn't know about the term healing. He felt as if the hole in his heart had scabbed over, so that it was less apparent to those around him, but it didn't seem to be healing by any means.

OOOO

A ray of sunshine came into Harm's life with a return visit of Clayton Webb (funnily enough.) Everybody perked up when they saw Webb's car pull into the driveway, but knew not to get their hopes up. He was likely telling them that they would be here a good deal longer.

"It's your birthday, Rabb," the spook announced, in a rare, jovial tone, "Mattie regained consciousness, last night."

Everyone around the table broke into quiet celebration, as Webb continued,

"She's not able to move below the neck, but her doctors are hopeful that the swelling around her spine and the resulting paralysis will not be permanent. She's somewhere safe and will begin further treatment during the next couple of weeks, so you'd better start taking care of yourself. She's going to need you strong enough to help her and she's sure not going to like seeing the state you've got yourself into."

Harm felt the pain intensify as he remembered the last time he had seen Mattie, soon after Mac had left the hospital. She had driven all of that way to offer him support, but he'd been unable to take it, or even thank her for offering it. He'd thrown it back in her face. Now it was too late and he'd never share with her his happiness at watching each of the milestones that would mark progress in Mattie's recovery. Mac should have been here for all of this. They should be with Mattie, right now, encouraging her on, setting a good example so she'd grow up and pursue healthy relationships of her own. Mattie might even have been the child they had agreed to go halves on, at least of a fashion. Mattie could have been the one to give them grandbabies, when they were old and gray, with brittle bones and without a complete set of teeth between them…they should have had it together, even if it wasn't quite what they had originally planned.

"Thank God, oh thank God…" Harriet continued to murmur, as she gave Harm a hug, where he sat in shock and inner thought, at the table, "Mattie will be alright, Sir…She needs you and will be reliant on you…You know that Mac would want you to give your all, helping her to get better."

"Yes," Harm nodded, woodenly, "Yes, she would…."

OOOO

Cresswell didn't think that he'd ever felt so conflicted in his life. Here is was, a beautiful, early-summer day and all he could think about was how much he hated the obligations that came with his job. Yes, his staff and their families were all now safe, the threat had been neutralized, but what he had to reveal to them would likely rip their hearts wide-open again. Life was beautiful, but reeked of his deception, at the same time.

Pulling off the highway, he took the long country road that would lead him to the safe house where the last of his staff were housed. He knew that everyone had now been informed that their lives were no longer under threat, but there was one person whose life he was about to turn upside down, once again.

Cresswell ran his hand over his mouth, wondering if his lips and teeth would still be intact after all of this. As he pulled into the driveway, he could see a CIA-issue van, an agent loading suitcases into the back. They were further along than he had expected. He showed his ID to the agent standing at the door of the house then proceeded inside. Bud was just about to carry out a box from the kitchen, which he'd assisted Harriet in packing. It contained snacks and food for the road, as they would have to drive a long way to the nearest airport with a non-stop flight into Dulles.

"Sir!" Bud was glad to see their CO, "Thank you for everything you've done for us."

Cresswell waved off any further thanks. He didn't think he could take it, at the moment.

"All part of the job, Commander, Lieutenant…Have you seen Commander Rabb?"

"He's just finishing packing up, Sir," Harriet lifted the potted plant sitting on the windowsill. It was what AJ called, 'Auntie Mac's plant,' which Bud had retrieved from the yard this morning, soon after news had arrived.

Gordon wandered upstairs, mentally trying to prepare himself for what would greet him. It was worse than he thought. Even Harm's physical appearance didn't shock him as much as the slow, unmotivated way that Harm moved. It was as if all meaning had been sucked out of him.

"Are you ready to return home to your daughter, Commander?"

Harm quickly shook himself and stood at attention, mustering as much military spirit as his tired body could.

"Yes, Sir, very much so, Sir…"

"Good…I see that Webb was right about how you've been neglecting your health, these past months…But that's got to stop, you hear?"

"Yes, Sir."

"That girl will need you and she's going to need more than the bag of bones I see before me…"

OOOO