"Are you trying to lose interest?"

"Not anymore, it's a lost cause."

Mac's lips briefly curved in a smile. Then it was gone as quickly as it had come. "Harm, what do you see when you look at me?"

"Someone I can't go through life without."

Her eyes widened. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes."

"Even after everything…?"

"I'm not willing to just throw away 8 years of friendship because you are reacting to a traumatic experience. It's just your turn to get a little crazy, that's all."

"Does that mean you'll watch my six?"

"Yeah I will." He smiled gently at her. "We all lose our way sometimes Mac. I've been through this before, I know the signs."

"That's why you were so quick to forgive."

"Partly."

"Partly?"

"I've been trying to be a more understanding person lately. Mattie has helped me a lot with that."

"I'll have to thank her for that."

Harm gave a small laugh. "Please don't." He pulled his leg down and leaned toward her. "What do you see when you look at yourself, Mac?"

"A stranger."

Harm nodded, understanding all too well what she was going through. "In court you said you wanted me to understand what you had gone through with Sadik Fahd. Do you want to tell me about it now?"

Mac nodded. "I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start."

Harm stood and headed in to the kitchen. "Take your time, I'll be back in a minute."

Exactly a minute later he set a steaming cup of hot cocoa in front of her. It had been her thinking drink of choice since he had known her. Mac smiled. No one knew her like Harm.

"Thanks." She said, lifting the mug and sipping the froth from the top, he had even remembered the cinnamon. She lowered the mug from her lips and took a deep breath. "These last 8 months all I've been able to think about was what might happen if I ever saw Sadik Fahd again. What I would do to him for the pain he's caused the people I care about. What I would say to him…" She paused and lifted the mug again and simply inhaled the scent of spicy chocolate. "When the time came, he didn't put up the fight that I expected. Instead he just made me talk to him. He dug into my head, and found every weakness I've got." She took a sip, and then set the mug down on the table. "He took away the relief that should have come from killing him. Like any decent person would have felt, for taking out a man who had killed and tortured so many innocent people. But I didn't feel that way, I was angry with him for not suffering worse than he did. I beat him with everything I had, and in the end I shot him right between the eyes, and it still wasn't enough. I still wanted to keep on fighting him." She met his eyes; he was leaning toward her listening intently. "Does that make me a terrible person?"

Harm shook his head. "No. It makes you human. I'm not sure that I would have reacted any differently in that situation."

"I don't know about that." Mac pursed her lips together and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "From the very beginning he has been affecting my life. Reducing me to someone weak, and impulsive; angry all the time."

"You've done a pretty good job of reining that in."

"You really think so?"

Harm gave her a small smirk. "For the most part. Listen Mac, Sadik Fahd was a horrible horrible man, it makes sense that everything he put you through would affect you that way. It's natural. It doesn't make you weak, or bad, or even wrong. It just makes you human."

"So you understand why I said what I did about Mattie and Sergei? I was still angry, still looking to have the confrontational fight that I never got to have with him. I didn't mean it Harm."

Harm nodded. "Yeah I understand. But I think you did mean it."

Mac's head snapped up. "What…?"

Harm moved to the edge of his seat. "You were too upset to be telling me anything but the truth. You didn't take a second to measure words, you were just telling me what you really think. Especially about me fighting to suck people into my group, only to abandon them later."

"Harm, I never meant to hurt you by saying that…"

"But it's still the way you feel isn't it? I fought to keep you close to me, but when it came down to giving you what you needed, I left you in the lurch."

Mac's eyes widened in surprise. "You do get it, don't you."

"I'm just barely beginning to."

TBC...