SINS OF THE FATHER
RATED R
FIRST PART OF THE 'HISTORY REPEATS' SERIES
SAM/DONNA ROMANCE
SPOILERS FOR 'SOMEONE'S GOING TO EMERGENCY, SOMEONE'S GOING TO JAIL'
Struggling to reconcile his best friend with the things that Donna said Josh had said about her—and, as Donna wasn't apt to lie, he had no reason not to believe that she was being anything but truthful—Sam longed for an impartial third party to help them get past the issue of Josh Lyman.
Then he realized that ninety percent of the people who knew who they were thought that Josh and Donna getting together was a foregone conclusion and his desire for a third party vanished because, really, he knew he would have enough problems without more people telling Donna that she belonged with Josh Lyman, not Sam Seaborn.
"When… when did he say that?" Sam asked lamely.
"When you were on the trip to Portland," Donna replied. Sam frowned. There had been a lot of trips to the west coast, including several trips to Portland, in the past few months. "With the education speech?" Donna tried. "I was trying to explain that I was going out, that I had a date, and he started ranting about my lack of self and self worth."
Frowning Sam tried to remember what had been happening at the time. He could recall being absolutely mortified that he froze up on the speck. He could remember Toby talking about Josh advising the President to pocket veto the Marriage Recognition Act. He had a dim recollection of CJ wearing a baseball cap and Danny Concannon giving her a hard time, though that last memory could have been from any day in the last few years. Sam could also remember Josh walking on egg shells around Donna for a few days before he gave up on that tactic and went back to his usual insane requests—Sam didn't understand why Josh asked Donna to do the things he did, but what boggled his mind was that, a lot of the time, Donna did whatever crazy thing Josh wanted her to do; but that concern was for another time, when whatever future he might have with Donna wasn't hanging in the balance.
The last thing that flashed through Sam's memory was Josh in the Oval Office only a scant four hours earlier, deteriorating emotionally, mentally, and physically, right before the eyes of the President and his senior advisors.
And suddenly it all made sense to Sam.
He just wished that it didn't.
FLASHBACK
After Nancy left, returning to the Situation Room to wait for updates and, probably, to start formulating retaliatory action plans, the only sound in the Oval Office was the steady ticking of the clock. Finally it was Toby who spoke first, breaking the silence with the Zeigler brand of logic and political sensibility that made him such a good politician and a great Communications Director. "There is nothing we can do for the Vice President from here. Even if we were in Tel Aviv there would be nothing that we could do for him."
Leo nodded. "The next few hours are going to be a balancing act for us and we can't split our focus," he agreed. "Lock this place down. No calls in or out."
"There's a media blackout in Tel Aviv for the duration of Hoynes' trip but we've got maybe two hours before someone there calls a friend who tells someone else who calls CNN and the next thing we know we're in the middle of a whole new thing," Sam said.
Josh sank down into one of the chairs, his head falling into his shaking hands. Bartlet sought out Leo and, after establishing eye contact with his Chief of Staff, the President mouthed 'Donna' and jerked his head at Josh who, they were all far too aware, was still struggling with the shooting and it's aftermath. Leo nodded and hurried to the outer office, asking Mrs Landingham to get Donna. To her credit Mrs Landingham didn't question Leo's request, though Leo was sure that the perceptive woman had noticed Josh's pain and his attempts to mask it.
Leo had barely made it back to his place beside the President when Donna rushed in, panic face firmly in place.
"Joshua," she whispered as she knelt by his side. "Josh, breathe for me, okay? Like we used to," she said, immediately falling into her role as Josh's caretaker and guardian angel. Her left hand moved up, tangling her fingers in the curls at the base of his skull, while her right hand rested over his heart.
"Breathe with me, Josh. Ready? Okay. Breathe in… two… three. Now out… two… three," Donna instructed calmly, smiling briefly when Josh did as he was told. She repeated her instructions twice more before praising him, murmuring, "Good, Josh. That's really good. Keep going."
Josh continued doing the slow, deep breathing exercises that one of his doctors—no one could really remember which one, possibly the respirologist, or maybe it was one of the psychologists that Donna had talked to before taking Josh home—had suggested, moving one hand from his face to clutch at Donna's right wrist, clinging to the stable, claming influence that she provided him. He knew what she was going to tell him to do next, and as foolish as it made him feel, he always felt better doing it when he was holding Donna in some way.
END FLASHBACK
Sighing, Donna pulled her legs up under her body on the couch. "I know Josh was going through some stuff, that he still is and probably will be for the rest of his life," she allowed. "But that doesn't change the fact that he said it. The fact that he said it, though, does cement the fact that he thought it."
"If it bothers you then you should talk to Josh about it," Sam said.
Donna shook her head. "Josh has enough going on without his assistant acting all shrill and whiny because he hurt her feelings."
"You are neither shrill nor whiny, Donna, and you have a legitimate complaint here," Sam insisted.
"Maybe," Donna allowed. "But that's not the point of this conversation. I though we were trying to figure out if you and me would work at a higher romantic level, not analyse what Josh says and does."
Sam nodded, though he was determined to talk to Josh even if Donna wouldn't. Josh was his best friend, after all, and someone needed to let Josh know how deeply he affected those around him.
FLASHBACK
"Remember what Dr Kline said to do if the episode starts to take over?" Donna said gently, oblivious to the other six people in the room, all of whom were watching the pair. Donna had always kicked everyone out when she caught sight of an episode—though she didn't know what they were when they first started happening—and no one had seen them go through their ritual calming before.
"Happy… place…" Josh bit out, pained.
Smiling proudly—Josh didn't always remember what to do next—Donna nodded slightly. "That's right, Josh. Your happy place. Find it for me," she said, glad that Josh wasn't fighting the instruction. Usually he did based solely on the fact that he felt like an idiot when he tried to find a mental happy place. "Are you there yet?"
"A—almost," Josh managed.
"Okay. Keep going. Tell me when you're all the way there," Donna said tenderly.
Josh's head jerked up and down twice before he went back to concentrating. The room was silent for a minute until Josh's voice broke through the oppressive sound vacuum. "Talk," he half requested, half ordered.
"About what?" Donna asked.
"Anything," Josh said. He frowned, squeezing his eyes tightly before deciding. "Cats. Tell me about the cats."
"You want me to tell you about the cats?" Donna smiled.
"Haven't… seen them," Josh said slowly. "Not… allowed to drink… anymore," he added.
Nodding seriously, Donna started rambling about her roommate's cats. As Donna talked Bartlet, Leo, Toby, Sam, Charlie, and Mrs Landingham watched and listened, amazed at how they could actually see Josh visibly calming and relaxing.
END FLASHBACK
"I still worry… what Josh says and does affects you in a lot of ways," Sam said.
"Maybe," Donna nodded. "But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. We work together, we work long hours in close quarters, and, on top of that, Josh is my best friend, or, at least, one of my best friends. He affects me because of that, just like he affects you and Toby and CJ and Leo and everyone else."
Sam nodded. "I get that. But… sometimes it seems that he needs you more than I do. And… I worry that maybe you'll want to be with someone who needs you."
"I've done that, Sam. I've been the girl that a guy stays with because he needs to be taken care of. Not that I'm comparing Josh to Patrick, because they are really nothing alike, especially in practice, but… Patrick used me. He used me to pay for his schooling and he used me to help him study and he used me to cook and clean and lie quietly on my back and fake orgasms every night that he deigned to actually come home. He used me because I have blonde hair and long legs and a collection of little black dresses that came together to make him look good when he needed to act like a power-broker, and after he gave me an engagement ring I only gained in value because he could give off the illusion of maturity and ability to settle down to the people he was essentially auditioning for.
"I realize that Josh would never use me the way that Patrick did. Josh is, fundamentally, a good man. But he still uses me, every day. When he gets me to work until two or three in the morning several times a week, sometimes for no reason whatsoever. When he sabotages my attempts at getting a life outside the White House. When he… when he does the things that he does… he uses me. And I let him, because I love the work I'm doing and I like feeling like I'm making some kind of a difference in the world and I want to help Josh do his job the best way he can because god knows there's enough things and people conspiring to work against us. But Josh uses me, Sam, and that is why nothing will ever come of whatever might be between Josh and me."
FLASHBACKJosh had calmed down again and was fighting Donna as she tried to make him take the anti-anxiety pills that he was supposed to take after an episode to ensure that he didn't suffer a string of episodes like he had at Christmas.
"They make me different, Donna," Josh whined, his mind not processing that there were other people in the room, let alone that he was in the Oval Office.
"Josh, I'm putting my foot down. Either you take the pills or you go home and rest. The foot is down and there will be no arguments," Donna said, her tone of voice firm and only a shade calmer than when she originally outlined THE RULES to everyone.
"But—" Josh started.
"Joshua, the foot has spoken," Donna said, her voice as hard as granite. The President smiled and Leo beamed with pride. No one in the room wanted to think about what life would be like without Donna around to handle Josh.Scowling, Josh put his hand out for the pills. He took them with some water and then took the package of saltines that Donna was holding out, opening the package of crackers and eating both without further complaint.
"I know we weren't sure about her at first, Josh, but I can see why you fought back," the President said warmly. "Donna, don't ever leave."
Donna beamed. "I don't plan to, sir," she said, standing up and facing Bartlet. Her smiled faded quickly, though, as she remembered that there was something going on and that she still didn't know what it was. "If you don't mind my asking, sir, what was being discussed that caused this?" she asked, glancing over at Josh who was sitting silently with his eyes closed, waiting for the pills to kick in.
Bartlet looked at Leo who nodded, taking the task of telling Donna about Hoynes. "Vice President Hoynes was shot," Leo said, not couching his words because he had never been one to patronize those around him.
Donna's tiny gasp of shock did little to comfort anyone in the room.
It took Donna a minute to restore her professional face, by when she did she put all her focus into it, as always. "What can I do?" she asked.
END FLASHBACK
Sam sat quietly for a minute before something flashed across his eyes. "He gave you an engagement ring?"
"Patrick did, yes," Donna nodded. "We were engaged, Sam. The ring is generally part of the package. Although, fidelity is usually part of the package, too, and Patrick wasn't exactly up on that concept, so I can see where the surprise comes in."
"Please tell me that you pawned it to pay your way to New Hampshire," Sam said.
Donna shook her head. "No, I just put it in my jewellery box," she said. Sam shot her a look that was half confusion and half pained, which led to Donna explaining her action. "He didn't buy it, Sam. He went to my mother and got my grandmother's engagement ring from her. I thought it was the absolute sweetest gesture when he gave it to me. My grandmother was an amazing woman, Sam. I idolized her. She was the one who encouraged me to follow my heart because, even if I ended up getting hurt, I would never have to look back on my life regretting the road not taken."
"She sounds like a wonderful role model," Sam said.
"She was," Donna beamed. "She was like the typical little old lady, all Earl Grey tea and knitting and snow-white curls and embarrassing childhood stories one minute, and the next she would be challenging people in the park to footraces and fighting with the people who wouldn't let a woman her age go skydiving and driving my grandpa's 1970 Cuda at 125 miles per hour through Madison because there was a traffic cop that she thought was hot."
"So that's why you drive like the lost Andretti," Sam teased, earning him a swift swat to the arm. "Sorry," he smiled. "Tell me more about your grandmother."
"I revered my grandmother; she was always there for me. When I graduated from high school she and I went to Ireland together, just the two of us. When most of my friends were partying and basking in the present, I was in Ireland with my grandmother visiting the place where she was born and the house that she grew up in and meeting the people she had grown up with and becoming familiar with my past, with history that would never make the books but was pivotal in making my grandmother who she was. The day that I moved into the dorms she took a nap and never work up," Donna said. "When Patrick gave me her ring I thought… I don't know what I thought. I guess I thought that he had listened to me somewhere along the way, that he knew how much she meant to me, how much having her ring would mean to me. The truth was, though, that he was just too cheap to buy me a ring himself."
FLASHBACK
"What are the staff levels like right now?" Leo asked.
"About eighty percent," Donna replied.
Leo nodded thoughtfully. "Alright. We need you to go get CJ back. Coffee, juice, bread… sober her up as best you can. We're going to need to announce tonight and… well…" Leo trailed off, unsure of how to word what he needed to say.
"Using the Deputy Press Secretary or Sam or Toby makes it less powerful than if CJ does it and that isn't the right message to send on this," Donna nodded, earning her another smile of pride from Leo. Donna looked over at Sam. "Can I borrow your car?" she asked sweetly.
"Why not take Josh's?" Sam frowned even as he dug his keys out of his pocket.
"I don't know how to drive stick," Donna explained. Sam nodded and tossed her his keys. "Thanks." She looked over at Josh, then back to Sam who nodded, letting her know that Josh would be taken care of until she got back. Relieved, Donna looked to the President who nodded and then Donna took off. Charlie and Mrs Landingham followed her out, going back to their desks to allow the Senior Staff prepare for what was coming next.
"When did she get so smart?" Bartlet asked.
"Good teacher," Josh mumbled, his voice hazy with exhaustion and the beginnings of his medicated stupor.
END FLASHBACK
"Doesn't it bother you that I don't have a degree?" Donna asked.
Sam frowned. Even for Donna that was out of the blue. "No. Why would you think that it would?"
"Because Lisa has a Masters and Mallory is a teacher and Ainsley and Laurie are both lawyers," Donna said.
"Why do they matter?" he asked.
"Because they are the women you go for. You go for the smart, witty, educated, privileged, impressively credentialed, combative women."
Pulling Donna into his arms, Sam held on tight, curling his body around hers on the narrow couch. "First of all I don't rate background when I find myself attracted to a woman. Second, you are smart, you are witty, and just because you didn't come away from college with a degree doesn't mean that you are not educated or credentialed. You work thirty feet from the Oval Office, Donna, and for several months you were de facto Deputy Chief of Staff, which, though I'll deny it if Josh were to ever find out I said this, is not an easy job. And as for the combative thing… I'm not entirely sure what that's about, though you're right. The women I have gone for in the past have been combative, to varying degrees. They kept me on my toes, that's for sure. But you do that, too, in much more pleasant ways."
Donna took a deep breath. "Sometimes… sometimes I feel like I'm being naïve, that I'm going to wake up one morning and find out that working in the White House has all been a dream, that the past few years have just been an elaborate cosmic joke."
"One hell of an elaborate joke," Sam muttered. Donna giggled softly. "No, seriously," Sam continued, enjoying the sound of Donna's laughter and the way her body felt against his as she let out the tiny sound that he immediately associated with peace and joy. "Think about the massive conspiracy… nation-wide… global… maybe even a universal conspiracy aimed at you. Everyone from the leaders of every country in the world to the ferrets—because apparently there are ferrets that people have the right and the privilege to visit—in Big Sky National Park have come together to play a joke on a girl from Madison, Wisconsin."
"Okay, when you say it that way it sounds like I have some kind of god complex the size of Josh's ego," Donna admitted. "But regardless of that, I still feel that someone is going to come along one day and pull the rug out from under me and I'll be back in Madison working four jobs while Patrick sleeps his way through the women in Madison and all the neighbouring counties."
Sam pressed his lips to her temple for a long moment before speaking again.
"When I first met you all I saw was this girl who was wearing Josh's ID around her neck and who was alternately take-charge and meek as a mouse. I saw you turn Josh's disaster area of an office into a finely oiled machine and your influence was spreading to the rest of the office when one day you just weren't there anymore. I remember thinking that it was going to be hell working with Josh again because, as much as I love him, we have never been able to work together before and it wasn't until you appeared that I could really stand to be around him in an office setting. I underestimated how bad it was going to be, by the way, and we were all about two days away from changing the campaign route to swing through Madison to kidnap you back when you came back on your own. Only you weren't shy anymore; you stood up to Toby and Leo and Mandy when you had to, you adapted Mrs Landingham's systems and made the entire campaign run smoother, and you kept Josh sane and organized which is, in and of itself, a feat worthy of sainthood. When we won, though, you retreated again, which I still don't understand. Why did you pull away from everyone after the election?"
"Because Josh sent me with the people who were going around closing down the campaign headquarters and everyone knew that the people who were doing that were being let go once they were done. I'm not good at goodbyes—that's why I didn't tell anyone when I left the first time. It's easier to make a clean break, and I thought that if I stopped being friendly with you and CJ and Josh and Toby and everyone it wouldn't hurt as much when I was back in Madison spritzing people with Chanel No 5," Donna explained. "Josh didn't ask me to come with him until January fourth, and he didn't even really ask me, he just asked if I had a dress and all my 'girly things' for the Inaugural Balls. Even when he asked me that I didn't think he was offering me a job. I thought… I don't know… I worked on the campaign and he was being a nice guy by inviting me to one of the balls. But then he started calling me to bounce ideas around and, after almost a week, I asked him what was going on. He told me that he needed someone to act as a sounding board for ideas of domestic legislation and he'd tried working with other people because I was still travelling around and, while he wasn't going to argue with Leo on where I should be, he still needed me to do my job as his assistant. I don't think he ever realized that he never actually hired me. At all. I mean, I walked in one day and started working for him, and when I came back after my temporary insanity he said there was a pile of stuff on the desk and then after the election he just kept giving me things to do."
"That sounds like Josh," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "To be fair, though, there were a lot of conversations about who would be staying on after the Transition and we all assumed that you would be coming with us to the White House. There was never any question. You were going to be Josh's better, saner, organized, personable half. Anything else would be like the President not bringing Mrs Landingham or… I don't know… Abbey." Playing back what he had just said, Sam frowned. "That probably wasn't a great parallel to make while we're trying to decide… what we're trying to decide," he said after a few moments of contemplation.
Donna shrugged before turning over in Sam's arms. "I think that parallel was perfect for what we're trying to decide. Ever since I joined the campaign I've been Josh's assistant, his Mrs Landingham, to go with your simile, but I've also been his work-wife. All the trials and tribulations of marriage without the good things like companionship and stability and sex." She thought about that for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah, it's the perfect parallel, Sam. Josh thinks of me like an extension of his office, and while I know that in a lot of ways I am, that's not what I want my life to be. I want… the good things. And it took my a while, but I've finally figured out that I want to share the other parts of my life, the non-work parts, with someone who isn't Joshua Lyman." She smiled bitterly. "Took me long enough, huh?"
"I would have married Lisa because I wanted the stability and companionship of a marriage. Making eyes at your boss for a while is tame, compared to that," Sam offered. They both knew that it was more than that, that Donna hadn't just been 'making eyes' at Josh, and that she hadn't just wanted the stability and companionship of a marriage or whatever, but neither one wanted to put voice to that knowledge. Some things, they both knew, were best left unsaid.
In the next chapter the flashbacks will end. I know they are a bit annoying but I wanted a change from writing in quasi-real time.
Manic Penguin