Harm regarded her for a long moment. "He really affected you that much?
Mac nodded. "I don't know how he did it. But somehow he ended up controlling everything I did." She met his eyes. "Everything I said."
Harm sat back in his seat. "How did he do that?"
"He made me feel small; out of control. Like my thoughts weren't even my own. At one point when he was torturing Clay I even knelt down in front of him and begged him to stop. I was at his mercy."
She paused and took another drink of her cocoa, deciphering exactly how to express the rest of her thoughts. "When you finally got us out of there, I wanted control of my life back. I felt so absolutely helpless. I can't begin to tell you what a relief it was to see you there. To know you were there to take me back to my life, where I called the shots, and things were done on my terms. I wanted to take care of Clay and get him back into the shape he was before Sadik Fahd had ever laid his hands on us. I wanted to make sure that Gunny was safe and out of Sadik's reach. Most of all I wanted to make things work with you. But none of that happened, because I wanted to control everything around me, and I couldn't. I couldn't control your jealousy, even though I told you more than once that there was nothing between Clay and me. I couldn't control the direction of the conversation we were having in that hotel room, because you once again tabled the discussion. I couldn't control Clay's feelings for me, even though I wanted so much to have things just go back to where they were and not complicate things further."
She looked him in the eye. "Sadik Fahd took away my ability to think things through. All I wanted was for things to go my way, and when they didn't, I gave up. I gave up on us because we both wanted to be in control, and I couldn't live like that. Not then, not when I felt so completely helpless. I needed to have the upper hand. So I put an end to our…whatever we had, and I threw myself into a relationship that I could control. I focused on getting Clay back on his feet. By the time I accomplished that goal, he and I were dating, and my control over that relationship vanished. He was given back his field status and all of the promises he made to me in Paraguay went right out the window. I was now at the mercy of his work schedule. And once again I had no say in the way my life was going. I can't live like that either."
Harm leaned forward and touched her arm. "It's been months since he was put back on field duty, if you were so unhappy with him, why didn't you come to me sooner?"
Mac sighed. "How could I do that, after everything that's happened? I've hurt you enough Harm. You deserve to be happy, and not saddled with my demons."
"Mac…"
"No, listen. Clay told me that you're being unavailable has given me something to hide behind, and he's right about that. I have put all the blame on you for there not being an "us", when really it's my fault. When you make your position clear, I find a way to back away, and then I blame it on you for being emotionally distant from me."
Harm gave her a contemplative look. "Why do you do that Mac?"
Mac took a deep breath; it was the moment of truth. "Because you mean more to me, than anyone or anything ever has in my life. When you really put yourself out there and show me that I mean something to you, it scares me. I can't hurt you Harm. You've been hurt enough. My life has always been so screwed up when it comes to relationships, I can't guarantee that I won't break your heart. No matter how hard I try, it always seems to happen. I don't want to do that to you. No matter how much I love you, I can't subject you to…to me."
Harm leaned forward and stared at the floor for long minutes. Letting everything that she said sink in. Mac sat back and waited, taking tiny sips of cocoa from her mug. He didn't raise his head when he finally spoke. "So you broke my heart, because you were afraid of breaking my heart?"
"Well, I wouldn't say I 'broke your heart'…"
Harm raised his head and looked at her. "I would."
Mac's lips part. "Oh."
TBC…