Alex opened the drawer while maintaining eye contact with Liv. She looked down and an expression that Olivia didn't understand crossed her face.
"Al, what's wrong?" Olivia asked.
"Nothing. I mean, it's an empty drawer. What's so special about that?"
"Alex, how many relationships have you actually had?"
"Olivia Benson, you know very well, that I've not had many serious relationships at all. And none that were serious with women. I don't understand what that has to do with an empty drawer. Care to explain?"
Olivia laughed out loud and crossed the room to sit on the bed in front of Alex. "Al, an empty drawer in a lover's home is a big deal."
"An empty drawer is a big deal? I really don't understand. Usually when I come over, I bring an overnight bag. What do I need a drawer for?"
Shaking her head, she took Alex's hand and pulled her onto the bed beside her. "With a drawer here, you wouldn't have to always lug that overnight bag. You could put a suit in the closet. You can put a toothbrush on the sink. You can even put your favorite shampoo in my shower. It's what the drawer represents. Sure, right now, it's empty. But I want you to fill it. I want pieces of you around. If I can't come home to you every day, I at least want to know I can come home knowing that parts of you are here."
"Liv, the 'come home knowing that parts of you are here' is straight from that confession by Belliard last year. Remember the guy who killed his lover and kept parts of him in the freezer? Just don't say you want to keep parts of me around, okay? I know what you mean, but that just sounds creepy."
Frustrated, Olivia went to stand only to find her hand being held by Alex. She tried to walk away, but Alex held her firmly. "Let go," she demanded softly. "No," Alex replied. "Fine," Liv said as she pushed Alex back on the bed and lay half on top of her.
"Dammit. Why do you have to always make things more difficult than they need to be? I wonder what you'd be like if you weren't a damn ADA. Look, I love you. Despite what happened, or what might happen, I want to be with you. I don't think there's anything we can't handle—well, nothing short of one of us going into protective custody and never being able to see the other again—that I couldn't handle. Anything other than that, I can handle—we can handle. Proposing we live together seems too soon given the recent escapades we've been dealing with. But asking you to keep some of your things here was a big step for me, Al. You have a key to my place. NO ONE has ever had a key. Now, I'm giving you drawer space—an offer that most people seem to understand is a BIG deal. I'm willing to overlook your lack of experience in matters like these, but I need to know where we stand. Your answer is going to say a lot about our future—or lack of a future."
Alex shifted her weight to roll them over, placing herself on top of Olivia. "I hope you know how much I love you. I mean, really truly deeply love you. I can't forget what we've done to one another. I can't forgive myself or expect you to forgive me, either. I don't know where we go from here."
Olivia closed her eyes as flashes of all the happy moments she had shared with Alex played in her mind. The realization that they were attracted to each other--their tentative flirting in the office—the first time Liv caught Alex watching her from across the room—the first date—the first kiss—the first time they had sex—the first night they spent together—the first time they really made love—waking up to Alex's attempt at breakfast in bed—fighting over the sports section in the New York Times on Sunday morning—their first trip together to a bed and breakfast in Vermont. Not one single bad memory came back to Liv—even the recent ones that were threatening to end their relationship. She opened her eyes, now brimming with tears, and said, "I know I want to spend my life with you. There is no indecision on my part. All of the moments we've shared—good and bad—I want a million more of those. You---me—always—that's what I want. I have a very simple 'yes or no' question for you, Alex. Do you want to be with me?"
"Liv, it's not that simple," Alex stated as she pushed herself off of Olivia and the bed and put some distance between them.
"It's very simple. Right this moment, you make a decision. You're either with me or you're not. You stay or you leave. I live in a very black and white world, Alex. There's not room for shades of gray in my life. What's it going to be?"
"Liv, let's just give this some time, see where we're going. See if we can get back on track," Alex pleaded.
"I don't want 'ifs' or 'maybes', Alexandra Cabot. I want you—all of you. Do I have you?"
"If that's my only choice, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," was all she said as she walked out of the crumbling world of Olivia Benson.