A/N: So SAD

The Fourth Verse

You'd been there for a little over two years now when you realized what was your punishment. Your punishment for every sin you committed, when you could've fought it, even if it did mean your death. You could've done something to stop Kadaj, even if on that cliff side it would've been a futile effort, but still...you could've done something. It's on Marlene's birthday that you realize what's wrong with you. As you wake early in the morning to help Tifa prepare for the party, nothing's changed in you. Nothing changes when you attempt to wrap presents. Barret's taken Marlene off for the morning, and you and Denzel attempt to wrap her presents. Tifa finally comes and saves the two of you when you somehow manage to get the box taped to Denzel, and your right hand wrapped with wrapping paper. Not to mention the fact the pink, glitter bow somehow got lodged in your hair during all of this...no doubt the work of Denzel. Nothing changes when Tifa slaps the back of your hand when you try and sneak a bit of cake batter. Nothing changes when Denzel tackles you in the living room, trying to be the first one to the fresh baked cookies. Nothing changes when Cloud comes in, and you help him haul in the doll house Barret got for his daughter. Many people come; Yuffie, Cid and Shera, which, by the way, now have a healthy baby girl. Nanaki is there as well, and Reeve whose present is a stuffed Cait Sith doll. There are many children that scurry about everyone's feet. When Barret comes back with Marlene, she squeals with up most delight, and hugs her dad's neck all over again. She's eleven years old today. Tifa made her cake to look like a chocobo, and she squeals yet again, declaring the chocobo's name Cloud. Cloud blushes slightly, and then pats her on top of the head, wish her a happy birthday. She gets lots of presents. Many are toys, and a few are books; her father gives her a silver necklace with a little heart on it, and she vows she'll never take it off. You got her a pink fleece blanket, with Tifa's help of course. She buries her face in the fabric and exclaims at how soft it is, and thanks you with a hug. After presents, Tifa brings out the cake, lit with candles. You're standing in the back when they break out into a chorus of 'happy birthday'. The door creaks open, and you see whose late. You smirk as you see Vincent walk in who gives you a curt nod. Turning your attention back towards Marlene, it hits you.

She's two years older than when you first got here.

She's had two years of growth behind her, and she's gotten taller.

She's growing...and so is Denzel...they're getting older.

You glance back at Vincent, the harsh reality setting in as he comes to stand beside you. You remember how Tifa told you he doesn't age. He gives you a look, and you realize you're staring, and you swallow, turning back towards Marlene. You can't watch her for long though, your eyes roam over the rest of the crowd. Yuffie was about your age, or was suppose to be, and you could see how she's aged, even if slightly these past two years. You can even see aging in Cloud, Tifa, and Barret. You swallow again, the happy birthday song muddling together in your head, slowing down and turning into some sort of sick, twisted, mocking tune. Everyone's happy smiles have turned to maniacal grins, and Marlene is glaring at you with a knowing look. You swallow bile, shaking your head, you're sweating, cold palms...dry mouth...sick to the stomach...and they're all still singing, all still smiling because Marlene is getting older. You turn, reaching out to grab for something for support, your hand knocking over a chair. It clatters to the ground, making the group jump and the singing dies off quickly as they watch you. You stumble towards the stairs, trying to ignore them, clutching your stomach.

"Shale?" Tifa's voice shakes with worry.

You swallow, "I'm fine...just keep...keep singing..." you gasp for air, and your voice cracks.

Somehow you make it up the steps, and you know they didn't start singing again. In away, you're grateful for that. Using the wall for support, you stumble into the bathroom, shutting the door and fumble with the lock. You retch three times in the toilet, and lay there for a moment, dry heaving. There's a soft knock on the door.

"Shale?" Tifa's voice is small through the wood.

"I'm fine..." You croak, standing slowly.

It's only then you bring yourself to look into the mirror above the bathroom sink.

You've been here for over two years...

And...

...You haven't aged a day.

You don't exit the bathroom until half an hour later, when you're sure Tifa has left from beside the door. You can hear them downstairs, playful laughter from children, and light talking from adults. You ease the door open softly, making sure to open it just enough to slip out.

"Hmm."

The voice makes you jump, and you clutch the door, glancing over. It's Vincent. He stares at you, sort of in a knowing way. You stare back for a moment, before continuing to your room. He asks if you are alright. You reply yes. He studies you for a moment, you can feel his eyes on your back, and you know he hasn't moved a muscle.

"May I...ask you a question?" You say.

There is no reply, so you ask anyways.

Swallowing, you say, "What's it like...not aging?"

"Why?"

"Just, never mind." You say, starting to enter your room.

"They accept me, they'll accept you."

"No...no they won't." You reply, knowing very well why.

You shut the door behind you, thinking about it. Oh sure, they'd accept Vincent, Vincent had never done anything wrong on their accounts. No, if you told them you didn't age, you'd have to say why. And if you told them why, then they'd hate you. They'd kick you out anyways. You sit on your bed, brooding about this for such a long time. You curse Yazoo, and you curse Kadaj, and Sephiroth. But Kadaj the most...he got to go to the promise land. You know that much. He got to die. You won't. You think about slitting your wrists, but decide against it. Now that you're the person you are, you won't do that. This is your punishment and you'll accept it, take it for what it is, and never give up. You can't give up, you have people you love.

But there is something you have to do...no matter how much you don't want to.

After a while you join the group again downstairs, and catch the ending of Marlene's birthday celebration. You play games with Marlene and her friends, and Tifa watches you closely. You try to act as normal as possible, and you don't know how you're doing. Vincent also watches you. He seems to know everything, so he probably knows what you're planning to do. You meet his eyes once, in the hustle, and he just stares. He shows no emotion, or any acknowledgment that you have met his eyes. You look away, unnerved by him. After all of Marlene's friend's leave, that's when they break out the alcohol. It's been a while since they've gotten together like this. They look for any excuse at all to have these gatherings, unfortunately they have lives they can't abandon as much as they'd like to. You watch them from a corner with Denzel and Marlene as they drink themselves silly. Barret laughs a lot when he's drunk, and he's even louder than normal. So every time he starts laughing, Marlene wants to run over there, but you see they're getting sleepy. You scoop Marlene up in one arm, and Denzel up in the other, making them abandon their half colored drawings of all the drunk people in the bar. You put them to bed, you don't even have to read a story to get them to fall asleep. It's been a tiring day. You stand at the foot of their beds watching them for a moment before your mouth opens.

So breathe my child, it's all okay.

Don't cry anymore my love today.

I'm here for now, this moment I say.

I'm here for good, in your heart I'll stay.

It makes you feel a little better that you sign the letters with this much of the lullaby. You'll be in their hearts forever, if they'll have you. You know they'll be in your heart forever. You place Denzel and Marlene's on the pillow beside of them. You tell them you'll come back when you remember the rest of it...although you don't know if that's true or not. You walk downstairs about two hours later, after preparing in your room. The room has been cleaned of your existence. There wasn't much to do. You hadn't collected much over the years, and lived with bare minimum. Still, you leave the room the way you first came to it, compressing your life into two small bags.

Everyone has passed out along the way of drunken stupor, even Vincent. You walk over to the bar, popping the cork of one of the bottles. You never drank before. You figure you're really over twenty one by now, even if you still have the body of a seventeen year-old. You sit down at the bar, pouring the drink into a chunky glass before sipping on it. You thought maybe you'd have some type of reaction to the drink, but it does nothing for you. That doesn't stop you, however from drinking most of the bottle. You've drank half of it when Tifa wakes. She stands shakily walking towards you, and sits beside you at the bar. She grabs one of the glasses strewn across the bar and slides it across to you. Without a word, you fill her glass. She takes a big gulp of the liquor, and then glances over at you.

"I've never seen you drink before."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"Hmm." she replies. "What was wrong with you earlier?"

"Me." You reply.

"What do you mean?"

"Tifa...I'm sorry." You say, bowing your head.

"For what? You've only been good to us, for us." she says.

Normally she would've been shouting this at you, but the drink seems to have a dulling affect on her passion for life.

"No, I haven't."

"What...did you steal from us in the night or something? That's okay! We forgive you." She states, sipping the drink again.

"No, I didn't do that."

"Then what?"

"I can't tell you..."

"That's not a good answer." Tifa replies, glaring at you.

"It's the truth..."

She doesn't say anything to this, and merely sits staring at her drink.

"Is it...wrong for me to wish? Or hope?" She asks.

"What do you wish and hope for?"

She smirks, "I wished so long for him, and now I have him." Neither of you need to voice who she's talking about. "I wish...we can be a real family. I mean, we are in away...but...an official family. I love him...and I think he loves me."

"He does."

She smiles, grins goofily. "Maybe someday." she says as she sips her drink.

"What do you hope for?" she asks.

You swallow, might as well reply truthfully. She'll probably forget this in the morning anyways.

"I try not to."

"Doesn't stop ya though, does it?"

"That I can be forgiven. That...maybe my punishment will be lifted someday...but mostly, that I could change the past...even though I know I can't."

"Yeah...I wish I could change the past too. Find a way so that more people would've lived through Meteor and the events surrounding it...yeah...that'd be nice."

"It would." You reply.

"You know...if it's not wrong for me to hope and wish...why is it wrong for you to?"

She's laying her head down on the bar, you know she's getting sleepy again.

"You'd probably be more comfortable with him." You state, pointing to Cloud.

He's strewn himself across the big armchair in the corner. His head is propped up in the corner, one leg thrown over the arm of the chair. She giggles, her eyelids drooping.

"Goodbye, Tifa."

"Where am I going?"

"Nowhere..."

"But that means..." She's trying to put it together in her drunken state.

"Don't worry Tifa...it's just a dream anyways."

This makes her smile as she falls into a drunk sleep. You lean over and kiss the top of her head, thinking of her forever as your mother. You lift her into your arms before carrying her over to Cloud's chair. You set her on the edge beside of him, and even in his sleep he knows her, you can tell. He feels the warmth against his side, and he reaches out unconsciously, finding her hip, and he smiles. It's a true smile, and the biggest smile you think you've ever saw on the man. He looks so happy, like he hasn't carried the fate of the world on his shoulders before. Like he hasn't ever harmed a single thing. As he folds her into his arms on the couch, you see her smile increase as well. You slip the letters into the space folded between them. You place a hand on Cloud's shoulder, and whisper into his ear, "Buy a ring, already." He replies in a slurred voice, "I already have..." Typical, you think to yourself.

"Then give it to her."

He yawns in his sleep, "Tomorrow."

"Promise."

"I promise."

"No matter what happens, you will?"

"Yes."

"Then, goodbye."

"Bye."

You grab your bags from beside the bar, casting your eyes across one more time at the home you've come to know so well, the family that had adopted you. From Barret sprawled on the floor, to Nanaki pillowing Vincent's head, to Reeve, asleep on top of the coffee table, to Yuffie, mushed on one in end of the couch, and Cid and Shera on the other. And finally, to Cloud and Tifa, curled in each others arms on the chair, large smiles still present on their faces, and in love even in a drunken sleep.

You turn slowly, exiting without looking back. If you look back now, you'll never leave. You take your motorcycle. You ride it out to the cliffs, and it's only their that you look back at the city you left. Your eyes cast over it slowly, and you shut them quickly. Tipping your head back, you gaze up at the stars, and swallow. You keep telling yourself, you will not cry. You can throw up, and faint, heck, you can even die. But you will not cry.

Your only regret is not seeing Tifa and Cloud getting married, because you know they will.

You try to tell yourself that they don't get upset over your leaving.

It's many, many years later, though, that when you find Vincent again, he tells you Tifa cried for two days...he said her tears started the moment she woke up...that she just knew...and they were terrible sobs after she read the letter. He said the children cried, and that everyone was subdued. He swears he thinks he even saw a frown from Cloud...although if he cried, he doesn't know. That would've been saved for the time when he was comforting Tifa in their bed.

He's kind enough to tell you that they did get married three weeks later, and to give you a wedding picture.

However, at this moment, you know none of this. So you continue on...trying to figure out where you'll go...and trying to justify why you left.

Breathe my child, it's all okay.

Don't cry anymore, my love today.

Love is life, and life is love,

fly away my beautiful dove.

In your dreams, sleep peacefully

tomorrow will be better, just believe

So breathe my child, it's all okay

Don't cry anymore my love today

I'm here for now, this moment I say

I'm here for good, in your heart I'll stay.

A/N: this chapter was soooo sad! thanks so much to everyone who is reviewing...means alot with this story...cause it's centering around 'Loz'...now known as Shale...who isn't exactly everyone's favorite character.