SORRY! I have had a lot going on and no time to write.

Chapter 4: Journey to the Past

I sighed and took another look at the books. Zora's was making everybit as much money that quarter as I had hoped. Minus one head chef, the staff was exceptional. Glowing articles in all the right print and a few celebrity sitings had brought in the customers. The bussiness was doing well, but that was part of what worried me.

Why wasn't I happy? I couldn't exactly say why. For as long as I could remember, I had been throwing myself entirely into what I worked for. There was a sort of calm and contentment that came with it. It was enough to keep me going when nothing else could. Moments like the day Sirius and I were officially over, or when Harry went away to college were only bearable because I could push myself on. But this wasn't anything like that. I was happily settled, and--despite a few minor cracks--my life was going very well. Yet, I felt drained and a bit hollow.

Draco hadn't been right when he confronted me the night before, but nor was he exactly wrong.I just didn't know how to tell him that despite everything, I wasn't happy. How do you tell someone who has given you so much love that you aren't happy? I knew he'd only think that he was the problem, which I was almost certain he wasn't.

So many strange thoughts invaded my head everynight in our bed. I had my usual million-and-one worries to contend with, but also this feeling that everything was crashing down around me. I hated that I couldn't escape. It reminded me of a time in my life that I didn't care to revisit. I wasn't a stranger to this kind of feeling. That in itself was enought to send me skimming through my roledex in my office. I found the name of a therapist that I had visited years ago, and decided to give him a call. After leaving a message, I dug back into the paper work. It was hours later when decided that it was time to go home.

I found Draco curled into a ball on the couch with the remote still clutched in his hand. He looked almost angelic like that with his tussled blond hair and fair complexion. Gently touching his cheek, I sighed. He really did deserve more than I could give him.

"Wake up," I said softly him.

"Hmmmm...Remy? What took you so long?"

"I had work to do at Zora's," I told him.

He looked like a cat as he arched his back. "I was hoping I'd get to see you earlier."

I nodded. "I know, and I'm sorry. What do you say to a vacation? Maybe sometime in the fall," I suggested.

Draco eyed me curiously, and began playing with my hair. "Remy, I wish you'd just tell me what's the matter."

"I don't know what to tell you, Draco."

The hurt in his eyes was cutting me like a knife. "Would you tell me if I were Sirius?"

"Draco, that's not fair."

"Answer me!"

I took a deep breath and told him the truth. "If you were Sirius, you wouldn't have to ask."

He didn't say anything as he got up and left me there. I admit that I deserved it. Maybe I should have lied, but it wasn't something I wanted in our relationship. There was no way I could ever make Draco understand what "we" had been. Sirius saved my life. He was my lover and my best friend for twenty-three years. How could I make Draco see that? Draco was so young, so naive. That's why I loved him so much. Despite a rather sharp tongue, Draco really was about as pure as you could get. He had this way about him. I doubted that he could understand what I had inside of me.

That night, I slept on the couch. The door was closed when I went up after him, and I didn't want to fight anymore. I just didn't have the energy for it.

In the morning, Draco sipped his coffee in silence. I did my best to ignore him, but I failed miserably. We'd had rows before, but nothing like this. I couldn't stand seeing him there looking so dejected. "Are you ever going to forgive me?" I asked.

His cup slammed when he set it down. "You really don't get it, do you? I am your lover. You need to tell me things, if you don't then what is the bloody point?"

"I love you, but I just don't know if I can..." I searched for the word. Trust wasn't what I was looking for. "I don't know if I am ready to have you know about that part of me."

"Maybe we shouldn't do this," Draco said. From the look on his face, there was no questioning what he meant by that.

"I want to be with you," I insisted.

"Remy, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me!"

I closed the gap between us, and pulled him to my chest. Tears began to form in my eyes no matter how hard I tried to push them away. "I do trust you! I just don't know if I can trust myself anymore."

"Let me be there for you," he pleaded.

"It's more complicated than that,Draco."

"Tell me about it. I swear I can listen."

I nodded.Draco wasn't scheduled for work that day, and I called in someone to cover my own shift. I'm sure everyone at Zora's thought I was dying that day. In the entire time I'd owned Zora's I had never missed a single day of work.

We spent the day sitting on the back porch. I prefferred staring at the water in the pool to looking at him. "I was molested as a child. I'm not really sure when it began, but I was about five or so I'd say," I swallowed hard. "We were living in France at the time with my mother's family. There was an old man--or at least he seemed old at the time, though I doubt he was much older at the time than I am now. Anyway, he lived a few houses down, and I remember how kind he was to me. My father had just died a few months before, and I liked the way he treated me. He would always have something or other to give me. A candy bar, a toy car, a balloon, it was always something. It got to the point where I would run to meet him everytime I saw him pull in his drive." I suddenly felt my throat tighten.

Draco was simply listening in silence, holding my hand. He never pushed at me to go on, and that's why I knew I had to.

"One day," I began pushing away the images in my head, "things were different. I remember pushing the door open, and calling his name. He had been waiting for me. I can remember him grabbing me, but everything after that is blurry. He told me it was our secret. I never told anyone, and it kept happening. Finally, we went back to England. For years, I forced myself to forget him, and what had happened. But then I went to Hogwarts. I met Sirius there, and right off I started having thoughts about him. I hated myself for it. In my mind, I was the most vile thing on the Earth. When I was sixteen, I just couldn't take it anymore. I waited until the dorm was empty, and went into the bathroom. I had a razor blade with me, and before I knew it was cutting at my arm. Sirius and James found me there. By that time, I had lost enough blood that I really wasn't with it. I spent nearly a month in a mental hospital. When I came back, Sirius was always there. Always telling me it wasn't my fault...that he loved me the way I was. He became my world. After school,we started a real life together, but I still wasn't happy. I saw a string of therapists...tried more antidepressants than I can name. Finally, when I had Sirius and Harry and Zora's, I convinced myself that I really was happy. But things didn't last. I knew he was cheating on me. By the time he left, I didn't feel a thing." Not knowing what more to say, I shurgged. "You know the rest."

Draco's cheeks were wet. He reached out and brushed away the tears from my own face. "I love you, Remy. I wish that I could take it all away. I wish I could make you happy."

"I love you, too, and you do make me happy, Draco. I just...I don't know anymore. I called a therapist yesterday."

"Perhaps you should schedule two meetings."

I was sure I'd misheard him. "Excuse me?"

"I want to make this work, Remy. Maybe if we do it together..."

My heart swelled. "God, I love you."

He gave me an impish smile. "I know it. There aren't many men in the world like me."

I laughed. "And I am very glad to have you," I agreed kissing him. Maybe this was what I had been waiting for.