Howdy, folks! We're now approaching the climax (dirty) of the story…only two chapters to go. I thought I'd finish on a nice even twenty. Thanks for the wonderful rieviews, as always. Now, without further ado, let's get back to the story. This may be the zaniest chapter yet…
Luke and Lorelai were the last to arrive in the dining room. The tables were pushed together in a long line stretching the width of the room. Over half of the space was taken up by food. Sookie had created a Southern-style feast consisting of: fried chicken and grits, biscuits and gravy, sweet potato pie, turnip, bread pudding, black-eyed peas, collard greens and casseroles of every variety, (it helps to say it in a Southern accent.) It was a dinner made for eclectic tastes, and it smelled divine.
As Sookie placed the last heaping dish on the table, the crowd could restrain themselves no longer. They dove into the food at a fanatical pace. Portion control was overrated.
Kirk was the first to sit, shoving in behemoth mouthfuls of chow as he relaxed into his chair. Lulu sat next to him, a worried look on her face. "Kirk, slow down," she pleaded. "You're going to make yourself sick."
"Nuh-uh," he barely managed to squeeze out of his jam-packed pie hole. It was like dealing with a two-year-old.
Babette, Morey, Gypsy and Jackson took their seats opposite Kirk and Lulu. Next, Patty settled at the head of the table. Taylor huffed. If only he hadn't grabbed that third drumstick. He somberly sat to the right of Lulu. Luke, Lorelai and Sookie joined the table moments later. Sookie sat next to Jackson. Luke and Lorelai were forced to snug up to Kirk. Once everyone was settled, the consumption commenced.
"Um, should we say grace?" Jackson wondered aloud.
Gypsy sounded uninterested, "What? Are you Catholic or something?"
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub…Let's eat!" Lorelai replied merrily. God would be proud.
"Amen," Gypsy returned. The others followed suit.
There were a few minutes of food-related silence. Kirk's plate was scraped clean. Leave it him for conversation. "So, were you guys having sex earlier?" he probed Luke and Lorelai.
Both parties in question unceremoniously dropped their forks.
Babette chuckled, "Didn't your mother ever tell ya about the birds and the bees, Kirk?"
"I've had sex," Kirk assured. Lulu nodded for verification.
Gypsy groaned, "There goes my appetite."
Kirk pressed on, "Lorelai looks different. Like Lulu does after we…"
"She's glowing," Patty interrupted, winking at Lorelai.
Sookie giggled, Babette cackled.
Lorelai shook her head in utter embarrassment. Luke started staring at his plate a long time ago.
"What in heavens name is going on here?" Taylor shouted in consternation. Many things had happened during his 'alone time' in room two.
Patty beamed with delight. She had forgotten that Taylor was ignorant as to the proceedings in room seven. "Well, Luke and Lorelai were locked upstairs," she began.
"Morey, you are officially banned from D-Day!" Taylor boomed.
Babette jumped in, "It wasn't him, ya big ox!"
The Selectman scoffed, "A likely story. Once a traitor, always a traitor."
"Will you let me finish?" Patty implored. "Anyway, as I was saying…Luke and Lorelai were locked in room seven. And during that time they, shall we say, 'discovered' parts of each other's anatomy that were previously off limits." How poetic.
Luke and Lorelai were stunned into silence. It was like watching a live documentary. The Luke and Lorelai story, tonight on Stars Hollow TV.
"I've had enough of your highfalutin mumbo jumbo, Patty. Get to the point!" Taylor needed it to spelled out for him.
Gypsy made things easier for him, "They had sex."
Taylor was quiet a moment. "Sex?" He wasn't sure he'd heard correct.
"Sex," Morey affirmed.
"Sex?" Taylor repeated. The word was practically inexistent in his vocabulary. He needed some time to process.
"S.E.X.!" Gypsy literally spelled it out for the man.
"You're telling me, that Luke and Lorelai had sex, today, in this building, under my supervision?" Taylor had a rebellion on his hands.
"And Luke wears boxers." Gypsy gratuitously added.
Luke cringed, "Someone, please…drop an anvil on my head." Lorelai squeezed his hand for comfort.
Kirk focused on Gypsy, "How do you know what Luke wears?" He was infinitely curious…and jealous.
"Because he gave us a floorshow while you were passed out like an idiot," Gypsy snidely remarked.
"Why did I pass out?" Kirk could now add amnesia to his list of idiosyncrasies.
"Because you're crazy," Gypsy had all the answers tonight.
"What?" Kirk feigned innocence.
The mechanic broke out her internal thesaurus, "Wacko, nuts, cuckoo."
"Multifaceted abnormal," Morey cleverly added.
"Insane in the membrane," Lorelai sang. She liked games. Hell, any distraction would do.
Sookie giddily joined in the entertainment. "Bizarre!" she squealed.
"Brainsick!" Babette jabbed.
"Half-baked!" Jackson hollered.
"Ooh, good one, honey," Sookie commended her hubby.
"Screwball!" Gypsy was at it again.
Taylor was horrified at this disorder before him. "ENOUGH!" he roared. "There will be no more name-calling or fighting of the physical or verbal nature. Is that understood?"
"What other kind of fight is there?" Lorelai considered.
Kirk immediately rose from the table, grabbing a spoonful of sweet potato pie from Luke's plate, "FOOD FIGHT!" he exclaimed. He leaned the spoon back and prepared for release.
Jackson contemplated, "But a food fight is still physical in nature." Suddenly his ear was decorated with sweet potato pie filling.
Sookie led the giggling brigade.
Jackson spoke gravely, "You're dead, Kirk." He piled his spoon high with bread pudding. "Bombs away," he announced, firing the food straight at Kirk.
It hit him square between the eyes.
As Kirk was recovering, Lulu's spoon found a nice bit of turnip to cling to. She aimed for Jackson, but instead hit Sookie in the chin. The chef giggled some more.
Lorelai grinned slyly, "I'll take care of her for ya, Sook." She picked up a wad of biscuits and gravy, leaned over Kirk and flattened it against Lulu's face. It was a nice look.
"People! People!" Taylor was desperate to return order to the table. He felt casserole trickling down his cheek. This was war.
Spoons were discarded and hands were utilized instead. Cuisine was being catapulted right, left and center. What hullabaloo it was.
One drop of gravy on Taylor's vest was all it took for the madness to cease. "My vest! My vest!" he growled. "Who did this?" he demanded.
Everyone quickly took their seats, looks of panic plastered to their faces. Gypsy coughed.
"Aha, Gypsy!" Taylor accused. "I should have known!"
She sighed, "Crap." She needed to think fast. "It wasn't me, it was Kirk!"
"Liar!" Kirk screamed.
Taylor threatened Gypsy, "Don't you dare try to pull a fast one on me. I can smell a deviant from a mile away."
Gypsy's tongue was poised for retaliation, "The only thing you need to smell is your rotten taste in clothing."
Kirk screamed in anticipation of Taylor's response.
"That's it, Gypsy! You are officially banned from D-Day!" The Selectman heatedly declared.
"Not this again," Patty grumbled in frustration.
Sookie was determined to put a stop to all the bickering, "So, who's ready for dessert?"
A hush fell over the room. Sugar, icing and syrupy-coated sweets would be perfect for round two. Well done, Sookie.
TBC…Only one chapter to go!