Hi, I'm back! This chapter was very hard to put together and was written over many days in the wee hours of the morning. I hope it doesn't suck.
Rockstar-101 - thanks for your tip on the hplexicon. Very helpful! BTW, though the first chapter begins at the end of Harry's 3rd year, chapter 2 goes back to 1989. hope it's not still confusing.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter - related. I just wish I did.
Chapter 4: Bits and Pieces
An unusually cool November came and went, with December creeping in behind it with a bitter chill in the air. The holidays were near, and the excitement in the air was palpable. Tasteful decorations appeared throughout the palace one cool December morning, much to the delight of the staff and students, and much to the chagrin of a particularly moody lycanthropic professor. An invitation to Christmas Eve dinner from his former headmaster had come days earlier by owl, sending him into a foul mood. For Remus, all the pomp and fanfare were reminders of holidays past, the people he had shared them with, and how many of them were gone.
The holidays reminded him particularly of Christmas with his parents, who both died before his twentieth birthday, and the beautifully decorated tree his mother would spend the eve perfecting, as he and his father sat by the hearth and sipped hot cocoa. He was reminded of the delicious feasts his mother would make, and the way they would sit around playing games, opening presents and spending the day together, laughing and talking about everything and nothing.
But now he was alone, and Christmas in his little cottage just wasn't the same without them. Still, he looked forward to the time away from Beauxbatons, as it meant time away from grading essays, planning lessons -- and Kali.
The thought that he wouldn't have to see her every day, every look reminding him of the past, was a relief, though he wasn't too keen to see Dumbledore. Ever since Professor McShane let it slip that Dumbledore had helped Kali get into Beauxbatons, Remus felt an anger awaken towards him once again. He was sure the oldwizard knew all about the girl and was keeping secrets from him, just as he had years before.
Remus had never really forgiven Dumbledore for his part in the tragedy that befell James and Lily, two of his best and closest friends.Dumbledore and other members of the Order of the Phoenix had suspected Remus of being Voldemort's spy and because of this, he was kept in the dark. If only they would have trusted him. Instead, they did what countless others had done before them -- and since -- they suspected the werewolf.
It was still a sore subject for Remus, and whenever he thought about it, he would find himself drifting off into bitter thoughts. In fact, lately Remus found himself drifting off at the most inappropriate times – during staff meetings, during his lessons, in the middle of conversations. It was as if he had lost the ability to function in any normal way. It was, unfortunately, also something others had noticed as well.
Cyrus McShane had been the first to point it out.
"What's gotten into you, boy?" he asked him quietly over dinner one night, on the night of the full moon.
Remus stared at him, trying to register what he meant, while trying to ignore the throbbing in his head.
"You've been more than a little, uh, distracted lately," he explained, a look of concern on his face.
Remus suddenly felt a tense knot in his stomach.
Has it been that obvious?
When Remus didn't answer, Cyrus went on.
"It's not the girl, is it?" he whispered a little too eagerly for Remus' liking. It immediately put him on edge.
"The girl?" he reiterated slyly, knowing exactly whom McShane was talking about.
"The del Fuego girl," he murmured. "Has she been giving you problems?"
"No, no," he scoffed, forcing a laugh.
"Just have a lot on my mind," he answered, trying not to look as haggard as he felt, only hours away from transformation.
McShane eyed him suspiciously for a moment then seemed to take him at his word. He leaned back and clapped Remus on the shoulder, causing him to wince.
"Woman troubles, eh," he remarked with an ugly grin.
Remus did not have the patience, nor the will, to keep this conversation going, but found he had no choice.
"You've got me," he said in what he hoped was a tone of defeat.
McShane chortled. "My boy, we've all been there." He gestured towards the other staff members around them at the dining table, as if inviting them to join in the conversation. Fortunately, they were immersed in a heated conversation over the newest member of the board of governors, so when no one remarked, he continued, unabated.
"So, what's the problem?"
"Well," started Remus, not sure what to say.
"A long – distance relationship?" the cagey man asked, saving him the trouble of thinking up a suitable yet vague response.
Even though his last real relationship had ended five years earlier, Remus decided it was best to go along with the lie. He nodded.
"Had me one o' those once," McShane said wistfully, a far away look in his eyes.
"What happened?" Remus asked, thankful the conversation wasn't focused on him for the moment.
"Left me for a door – to – door broom salesman."
"That's … terrible," was all Remus could think to say.
Cyrus seemed to snap back to the task at hand.
"No matter," he said soberly. "What are you going to do?"
He looked at Remus expectantly.
"Um." He fumbled for an answer, but the conversation was taking a toll on his already tired mind.
"You must have a plan, my boy!"
Before Remus had a chance to respond, he felt a light tap on the shoulder. He looked up to see the headmistress towering over him.
"May I 'ave a word, monsieur?" she asked genially.
"Of course."
Remus excused himself, abandoning his half – eaten meal gratefully, for he was desperate to get away from McShane and the noise of the dining hall. Though he knew the old man would corner him eventually, curious for more details, it would not be for a few days, as he would be holed up in his private quarters, recovering.
He followed the large woman to the front hall of the palace. She informed him that she would not be accompanying him to the dungeons to place the wards on the doors as she usually did. The resident healer, Madamemoiselle Colbert, would perform the task instead. Remus agreed, though he had no choice. The healer had only been told of his condition last month, when he injured himself more badly than usual, and needed a blood – replenishing potion. From the look on her face when she saw his injuries, he knew she wasn't at all comfortable with the situation.
Madame Maxime also informed him that another student had requested a tutor for English studies.
He left the headmistress moments later with an appointment for a tutoring session in two days time, and headed back to his room to wait until it was time to go down to the dungeons. Had he been in a better state, he would have thought to ask the student's name, for the surprise that greeted him two nights later in the library was most unexpected and could not have come at a worse time.
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Kali sat in a small room off the library, waiting for Professor Lupin. It had been a week since her last English Literature class, and, though she usually saw him in the halls and during meals, she hadn't seen him anywhere in the palace for the last few days. She felt anxious as she waited, not wanting to admit the reason why.
She rarely felt nerves around anyone, teachers included, but it was different with Professor Lupin.
As she looked around the room, which was barren save for a table, two chairs, a lantern and a set of powder – blue curtains on the tiny window, she felt her anxiety grow.
It had started because of the way he looked at her, with equal amounts of awe and disdain, but as the months dragged on, Kali noticed how her teacher tried to avoid her. She was used to a certain amount of notoriety (what, with a mother like Dahlia and a grandmother like Celestia, a bad reputation was inevitable) but his reaction to her didn't seem to fit. It was as if she had got on the bad end of a spell, and had come out grotesque and disfigured, and though he couldn't bear to look, he found it hard to turn away. It was unnerving, and it led her to do the one thing she rarely did – confide in her mates.
Kali complained about Professor Lupin one day, towards the end of November, as she lounged in the common room of her dorm, to her best – and only – mates, Olivier and Sebastien.
"Perhaps he fancies you," was Sebastien's response.
"Why are you bothered?" was Olivier's.
Kali had wanted to explain how her new teacher's behaviour made her feel. She wanted to convey the intensity of his stares and the way she felt like he was trying to see into her soul; she wanted them to just understand, but she knew theycouldn't and she would end up feeling like an idiot if she told them what she felt.
There were times she cursed not having any female friends. Sebastien, being naïve and a little clueless, was no help, even though he was in the same class, and Olivier, who was shrewd and perceptive, was of little help either, as he was a sixth year, shared none of her classes, and couldn't understand why she hated the attention.
"Men stare at you all 'ze time," he said to her in his thick accent, "it's never bothered you before."
He was right. Looking like her mother, who was as widely known for her beauty as her reputation, getting gawked at by strangers was nothing new. It had happened so often in recent years (ever since her body started to curve in all the right places), she barely noticed at times. She figured most people saw Dahlia when they looked at her (or Celestia, which was even worse) but when this man looked at her, it was as if he was seeing something, or rather, someone, else. The problem was, she didn't want him to.
As a child growing up in the del Fuego home (a two – story in the middle of a muggle neighbourhood in London), she was taught to keep a myriad of secrets.
One of those secrets was about her father.
She knew his name was Sirius Black, the eldest son of a pureblood family with a long and sordid history in Britain. He had also attended Hogwarts but was younger than her mother, and was considered, by Celestia, too immature to be a father.
It was a secret she loathed to keep as a child, knowing he was out there, living his life, unaware of her existence, while she and her mother were forced to live under her grandmother's thumb. But her mother was able to get away, disappearing for long stretches of time, starting when Kali was about three years old. She would leave unexpectedly and return the same way, showing up in the middle of the night, kissing Kali on the forehead, leaving her a gift and being gone the next day. For Kali, this was what a parent did.
They left.
While Dahlia flitted in and out of her life, Celestia was her constant. She taught her the darkest of magic, as well as the light, and exposed her to dark wizards and creatures widely feared. She taught her how to use and control magic in ways she knew most others couldn't.
And she taught her how to lie.
Only when Kali was six, and her mother came back to find the war much too close to home, did she take her away from Celestia's influence. With the help of a kindly old wizard, Kali and her mother were going to have a normal life.
Or so the young girl thought.
In truth, the dream she had at the age of six, the dream of a child starved for attention from a parent too often and too long absent, was more of a nightmare. Her mother slowly spiraled into madness, and by the time the war was over, she had succumbed to the darkness that plagued her mind.
Kali knew many things, understood some, and questioned very little. That is, until she found herself an orphan of sorts, at the age of seven. With her mother gone mad and her father branded a murderer, she began to question everything she'd been taught and she came to the conclusion some four years later, as she stood by her mother's grave, that her everything she'd been taught was wrong. It was in that moment that she vowed to never let Celestia control her again. It was also why, in part, when Olivier came up with his "brilliant' plan (which Sebastien thought was rather foolhardy) Kali, knowing it would be the last thing Celestia would want, agreed.
For all the secrets she held within, for all the lies she was forced to tell, she was keenly aware that this man, the one she waited for now, knew something more. She was convinced he held the pieces to her life she didn't have, and she was determined to get them, though at the same time, she feared what he might know.
She pondered this as the door to the tiny room opened and Professor Lupin entered slowly, looking much the worse for wear. Kali, startled out of her thoughts, gasped a little when she saw him, and then tried to cover it up with a cough. She tried not to stare as he shuffled to his seat like an old man and sat down with a tiny groan. She was sure she saw a look of surprise fleet across his worn looking face, but it was gone instantly.
"I wasn't aware you were in need of a tutor," he said, his voice horse.
"My grandmother insisted," she responded offhandedly, rolling her eyes for emphasis.
He looked at her shrewdly, the flickering light from the lantern illuminating the premature wrinkles on his gaunt face.
"Does she know you receive top marks in all your classes?" he asked.
Whydoes he know that?
She shrugged.
"Well, then," he said, shuffling sheets of blank parchment in front of him distractedly, "why don't you tell me what you want?"
"Excuse me?" she asked, caught off guard.
"What do you hope to gain with extra lessons?"
"Oh," she said, mentally slapping herself.
After a moment of thought she answered honestly.
"I'd really like to study some more muggle literature."
"I see," he said, though he didn't look at her.
"Have you read much of it?"
"Some," she answered, then, feeling reckless, added, "my grandmother always discouraged it."
Upon hearing those words, he finally looked up at her, eyes curious.
"Why's that?"
"If it's not written about, or by, purebloods, it's not worth reading," she answered, reciting Celestia's philosophy.
"That's a shame."
"Why's that?"
"That sort of literature tends to be poorly written."
When she looked at him quizzically, he added, "run – on sentences."
She smiled a little, fighting the urge to roll her eyes, at his feeble attempt at a joke.
"A pity smile," he said chuckling. "I must look worse than I feel."
She quietly agreed that he looked pretty terrible.
"Perhaps we should begin another day," she commented, wondering what exactly was wrong with him.
"Well at least let me give you a list of books to begin with," he said as he scribbled on a piece of parchment.
Kali noticed the effort it took for him to write.
Pushing the paper towards her, he said, "You can order these from Le Freres Toulouse in Marseilles, though it may take a while for some of these titles."
She looked at the list, recognizing quite a few.
"If you're going to Britain for holidays, you can always get them at Flourish & Botts, they have quite an extensive section on the classics."
"I'll be stuck in Paris," she answered, letting her resentment show.
"Most people would quite enjoy being 'stuck in Paris' for the holidays, as you put it," he said, giving her a pained smile.
"Most people don't have to deal with Celestia when they get there," she said bitterly.
He seemed to decide it was better to ignore her last comment.
"Have you read anything on the list?" he asked instead.
"My mother had a copy of this one," she said, pointing to the second book on the list.
He smiled, seemingly impressed.
"Would you like to start with that one, then?"
She nodded, looking directly at him for the first time.
It was her turn to stare, and she did so unabashedly. He looked like he had been at death's door, and perhaps still stood on the threshold. She felt a pang of sympathy as she took in his sickly, gaunt appearance. He indulged her for a moment then got up to leave.
"I think it's best we start in the New Year," he said, trying to mask his pained expression as he moved towards the door.
"Of course," she agreed, confused by her sudden shift of emotions towards him. He seemed different with her as well.
Maybe he's dying.
"Have a Happy Christmas," he called out as he left.
She rolled her eyes, as she was sure he wouldn't see her.
"I'll try."
As Remus made his way slowly back to his private quarters, taking the long way round so as to avoid running into any staff, he silently congratulated himself. For the first time since meeting that girl, he was able to keep his wits about him. Though surprised, he didn't let her resemblance to the man he thought he knew well (once upon a time) get to him.
Tonight she seemed different, as if a wall had come down – at least partially. The way she spoke of her family -- if one person could be considered thus -- while flippant and honest on the surface (something she did quite well), gave him a glimpse of something more. There was something behind her words that had nothing to do with teenaged angst or rebellion. It reminded him of the way Sirius behaved that first year hemet him, when he was still coming to terms with family issues. He too would make vague comments about his parents, his cousins, letting the bitterness seep through, while still trying to hide from the truth. He worked it out, or seemed to, in the end, by cutting himself off from all the Blacks. Remus wondered if Kali wanted to do the same with Celestia; wondered if she really could.
He stopped his train of thought as he entered his room and seated himself in the armchair by the fire.
It always went back to Sirius when he saw her; always went back to the past.
He realized, as sleep settled on his tired frame, that he needed answers. It was the only way he could come to terms with the past. It was the only way he could get on with his life.
Yes, I know, it's become a bit angsty, but it was inevitable.
Coming Soon -Chapter 5: Questions& Answers - Remus finally confronts Dumbledore!
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